Living Through Disaster
This entry opens on a very strong note. The fact that each line appears immediately and completely after each click gives us a sense of bluntness, and there's a sense of forward/downward momentum until we get to the heaviest, shortest line placed strategically at the bottom of the page: "(terminal)". Bam! The premise, central conflict, and hook of the story, right there in that single word. It's incredibly efficient, and I do think that this is probably the strongest opening out of all the entries. The fact that all of this is white words on a black background adds to the sense of foreboding.
Then we get a flash to whiteness with the first words we hear from our protagonist, Genevieve. "That is me." It immediately establishes her personality as somebody who is straightforward, to-the-point, and doesn't shy from reality. "That is
all of who I am." Establishes bitterness and anger; we get that she thinks that other people perceive her as being nothing more than her terminal illness, all in seven simple words. The repetition helps to convey her frustration.
"My life was the most unexceptional there was." This has nothing to do with anything, but it really reminds me of Naegi, the supposedly bland self-insert protagonist of
Dangan Ronpa, who made an almost identical speech at the beginning of that VN.
(I did not get the mathematician's joke thing, by the way. Can somebody explain?)
The first page of monologuing wasn't anything special, but it held my attention more than other entries because the voice felt stronger, for some reason. It went into details and specifics, unlike certain other monologues we've seen this contest. The mention of her name, how it's pronounced, isn't just a throwaway detail - it leads into an interesting detail about her parents wanting her to be special, and her not being special. That little hint at interpersonal conflict gave the background information about her name some emotional weight and significance.
The repetition of the word "unexceptional" throughout the monologue was effective, not obnoxious like
The Day I Died's notorious "I'm going to die". In
The Day I Died, that repetition was used to sledgehammer an emotion through our skulls - a sign that the author doesn't really believe in his/her ability to actually evoke that emotion through the strength of characterization/plot/writing quality, and had to resort to such an annoyingly artificial, unsubtle, clumsy, heavy-handed device to get the emotion through. And it really doesn't work. The repetition of "unexceptional" works here though, because every time it's paired with a different detail, and used in sentences with different structure. It's conveys quite effectively, without even explicitly saying it (until the next page, that is), that the protagonist doesn't like being unexceptional - that in fact, this particular flaw of hers really bothers her. It's not the most subtle approach ever, but it's supremely elegant compared to some of the other entries we've seen.
More internal monologue. The top half is mostly consists of generalities, but I can see that it's necessary to establish context for her thoughts. If it had just stopped with "the world wouldn't care", then there wouldn't be much to distinguish it from other similar angsty monologues in this contest. But the author follows it up with a line from the priest that is so full of rich detail and specific imagery, it succeeds in conveying - showing - Gene's emotions and thoughts on the subject, and does it with a light, almost fanciful touch. It establishes Gene's voice and personality strongly, showcasing her sarcasm and the fact that she copes with her condition through humor - a very human thing to do. In general, this internal monologue achieves an easy balance between "showing" and "telling" - contrary to what the popular saying implies, sometimes telling is necessary as well for efficient storytelling. The art of writing depends on your ability to balance the two, to know when to "show" and when it might be better to "tell".
We have detailed imagery of how Gene imagines her last days to be. This description allows us to connect with her, visualize her impending death and the way she feels about it. The metaphor of her heart literally "boring" the rest of her body to death is a brilliant exploitation of the "unexceptional" concept that was explored in previous pages. We have, once again, a completely "unexceptional" person, but the way her "normalness" is portrayed is incredibly vivid and engaging. It's funny how the supposedly "boring" protagonist is actually one of the most interesting characters in the contest, even more interesting than serial killers and psychopaths and crazy people with TV-land mental illnesses. We're only a few screens in, and I'm already impressed at the strength of the characterization. It's probably the best interpretation of the "unexceptional protagonist" component of the prompt, where the "unexceptionalness" of the protagonist is exploited to its fullest to create interesting characterization instead of being treated as a barrier to it. She's interesting BECAUSE she's unexceptional, not despite that.
She just feels so real to me, and the things she thinks about are incredibly relatable. Who wants to be forgotten after they die? She's knows that it's silly to think this way. She knows she's boring, and we can all tell how she feels about it without her explicitly saying "I'm boring and it feels horrible that I'm so boring". There are hints of self-pity, enough to make her relatable and feel human, but it's touched on so lightly that it never gets annoying, unlike certain other entries. The detail about her referring to herself as her patient number not being crazy enough has a beautifully complex effect. It serves multiple functions: (1) reinforcing her feelings of anger, frustration, and helplessness at being treated as nothing more than just her illness, (2) reinforcing her feelings of hopelessness and inferiority at being so incredibly normal and boring, and (3) has that light, humorous touch to it that reinforces her sarcastic personality. If only all the entries were this efficient.
I don't have much to say about the monologing in the rest of the prologue and the start of the first chapter. The author keeps up the good work of writing thoughts/descriptions with details that are actually interesting and move the plot forward, in addition to rounding out and developing the emotional state of the protagonist.
These two sentences make Gene come across as an honest, authentic narrator who gives us two different possible interpretations of her actions, but admits that she doesn't know herself. It also gives the impression that she was so stunned by the shooting star that she didn't have time for that kind of introspection.
Then the shooting star thing happens, Gene finds the spirit girl, blah blah blah. Gene reacts by thinking that maybe she's hallucinating because of her medical condition (by the way, is the name supposed to be capitalized like that? I get the impression it's not, but I can't be sure...), which I like much more than protagonists who know that they're in a supernatural story and just except the existence of the spirit unconditionally.
I really liked the line "I missed you". It's a rather cheeky line. It sets up certain expectations - the reader will tend to jump to the "It's been a long time since we last met, I missed you" interpretation, and Gene's reaction reinforces that - but then the spirit reveals that she was actively trying to hit Gene. It subverts the expectations created by that "I missed you" line (and is, perhaps, a tongue-in-cheek critique of other contest entries or magical girlfriend stories in general that expect the quirky supernatural girl to immediately form a emotional bond with the protagonist), and while not laugh-out-loud funny, certainly adds to the light, humorous tone of the piece - quite refreshing given that the story is about a woman who is about to die.
The cute, sarcastic banter between the spirit and Gene that follows is effortlessly engaging and really made me like Gene as a character. I would have to quote the entire conversation to show the parts that I liked the best, but one of the highlights is definitely:
Note that that last lines also have the additional function of adding detail to the spirit's background.
Chapter 2 opens with yet more sarcastic commentary on the "unexceptional, boring" nature of Gene's work.
It seems a little strange that she says that out loud. That line seems more suited to an interior monologue.
And then her computer explodes! When she comes to, Gene has this gem of a line:
Bwahaha!
Noooo don't explain the joke!
The coworkers feel very real, human, and vivid in this little exchange, even though they're bit players and don't even have sprites.
The wedding ring thing is a nice detail to develops Gene's personality further - she's conventional, wants to get married, but is insecure about her appearance. All with a single reference to a wedding ring on scarred fingers.
Also pictured: further exploration of the idea that your survival instincts will always kick in when you're in danger, no matter how irrational it may seem. Feels like this VN handled that concept better than
Sacrifice did, probably because Gene feels more human and doesn't come off as an absolute prick. Sacrifice had higher stakes (from an objective viewpoint), but the stakes feel more dire in this VN because Gene's well-characterized and we actually like her. The stakes here are the death of a character we enjoy, as opposed to the many deaths of faceless and/or poorly-characterized cardboard cutouts in
Sacrifice. It feels much more personal here.
Gahaha~~~ I loved this! (I like Gene's funny/sarcastic remarks in general, really, but if I keep quoting every single line that I like this review is never going to be done.)
More lovely sarcasm/ridiculous coworkers/jabs at Asian manufacturers follow.
And then Gene concludes she's insane for hallucinating up a spirit of disaster! This is amazing. I think this is the only entry where (there is the possibility that) the spirit is real, but the protagonist actually concludes that she's crazy for seeing the spirit! THANK YOU FOR THE REALISM, ANON-AUTHOR-SAN! (The whole thing as treated as ambiguous, in any case, which I really appreciate.)
The practical, no-nonsense way she deals with this realization is seriously refreshing and funny, but almost sad at the same time.
And here we go into Chapter 3. The whole date thing is funny. Gene has an explicit motive - make this the most horrible date possible, which clashes with the apparent goal of the date to make this a successful date. Interpersonal conflict go! The reader has more information than the date has, which means we can snicker and enjoy the awkwardness that ensues. Schadenfreude always works since humans are horrible people who like watching other people suffer
Pictured: The reason why Gene is one of the best characters in this contest.
And then the date turned out to be an atrocious person regardless of what Gene was trying to do anyway. Hilarious! (For us, anyway
).
There's nothing more coherent I can say to this than "Bwahaha Gene-baby you're awesome I love you".
The banter about Gene's dead cat and the three fish he ate was funny because it was unexpected, but sort of sad and lonely at the same time because it implies she has no friends or family with her... very nice layering of emotions going on there...
And then it turns out not to be sad after all because her family is all still alive and kicking. *chortle*
And then Gene's emotions turns out to be complicated anyway because she's going to be the first one in her family to die and she feels that it's incredibly unfair.
And finally the climax of the story comes right in Chapter 4. I love the rising structure of this story. It has the exposition (protagonist is dealing with terminal illness = instant hook) inciting incident (meet with spirit who's trying to kill you - more hooking) accident at workplace (an exciting incident, but still somewhat impersonal), date gone horribly wrong (more personal and more emotions are involved), and finally the climax with burglars invading Gene's house and putting a gun in her face (incredibly tense and frightening - this time it's her house, a nominally safe place, that's being invaded, and the threat of getting your brains blasted out is always a good way to raise the stakes).
And then of course Gene completely and utterly snaps, which is hilarious because the burglars run away and she's still swearing and cursing when the police arrives. The concept is great, but the execution... is somehow not as exciting as it could be? I think the ellipses at the beginning and end of each swear slows down the place a little... I usually don't recommend liberal application of foul words and exclamation marks, but I think it's necessary in this part to convey the feeling of the curses just crashing out of her mouth like a raging river of piss.
The "But I was alive" repetition is close to the "I'm going to die" repetition in
The Day I Died, but again, it feels natural and spontaneous instead of irritating because it's used judiciously and not repeated wholesale - we get variations of it instead. And it conveys the intended emotional effect perfectly.
Pictured: The reason why this VN is not currently in my top three (it's fourth, just so you know). The "Hey, so this is the moral of the story!" thing at the end is just atrocious. It completely took me out of the story and made me see Gene as just a storytelling vehicle instead of a living, breathing human being. Ironic, when she's talking about being alive.
Typo in the epilogue: "lived a full
livelife"
The epilogue actually doesn't bother me that much. The last line is quite touching. It's just the monologue of realization that Gene spews at the spirit that really bugs me.
If someone makes the right arguments, though, I might be persuaded into putting this in third place...
