Lemma Soft Forums

My latest game Crime Investigation is released.

It is my first game with a Music room.

You play as a famous detective. A girl named Clara has been murdered. Can you find out who killed her and why?

Story and Programming- Robinson
Artists- Anonymous
Music- Kevin Macleod

Download here: http://uploading.com/files/5253a5m3/Cri ... win32.zip/

I made some mistakes in the first version, so download the second version.
Download here. http://uploading.com/files/3155ma9m/Cri ... win32.zip/
I do not think there is anything wrong with this version.

Believe it or not- I made this game in five days.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

The game did not appear to have any viruses. Comment on game-play follows.

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All of my VNs are at http://wolflore.net Some recent works on lemmasoft:
Vera Blanc and the Purloined patient http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20801
Something Strange (modern fantasy/romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=17127
Arnie and the Hitchhiker (vampire romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=15382
Poorly done hand drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.

Jade is a sweeper. So, she was wearing a kimono.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

Okay, feedback.

Firstly, it is good that you finished a game. Not many really accomplish this.

However. There are many things that could have been done better. There needs to be a point to the creation, otherwise it is pretty futile to create it in the first place. What were you trying to accomplish with this story?

Anyway, some points for you to think upon:

Writing: Your writing is pretty bad and I think you could make significant improvements on it. It just has no... life. One of the cardinal rules of writing is to show, not tell. All you do is tell. 'I did this...' and 'I did that...'. That is poor writing. Use your adjectives and actually put some personality into the writing. Another major fault is that you repeat things. One example is:
'That is where I am heading now. I am heading to the offices of the Daily International'. This is terrible sentence construction. All you needed was the second sentence. The first one is totally redundant. I don't know if you are a native English speaker or not so it is difficult to judge. Either way, I suggest you start reading a lot and find yourself a good English native speaker to proofread your work. No better way to learn then to dive in and try.

Story: I felt myself wondering what the point was. Fair enough if you were testing out programming functions and you were learning new skills. However, the fact you completed this in five days has left me with the impression that you should have taken your time and actually given it a point. There wasn't much to the story at all, it was easy to solve and there was no real mystery to it. I think you should sit down and actually create a story that people will want to read. Put some effort into it, try to be unique and above all, try to be a story teller.

Plot:

Programming: Wasn't too bad, though it is not my expertise. The only thing that bugged me was the way the text box flashed up and down. It would be better if it stayed up during dialogue so it wasn't so distracting.

Art: Ah, now this is my expertise. I understand that you didn't create the art so I will not bleat on about it. However, the re-colouring jobs were a bit dodgy especially I also agree that the Speaking of free sprites, you can get sets that have different emotions. They would help a lot with the visual aspect of the story telling. I'm sure you could afford the time to do them properly. I also wonder at your typeface choice. The typeface has a Elizabethan feel, not very appropriate for a crime story set in modern times.

So, congratulations for getting a game done. I hope that you will continue to test your limitations and achieve even greater things.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

I will not thank you for whatever you said.
But how can you say that my writing was bad?
I don't think there are any grammar mistakes, or spelling mistakes.
I agree that the story is too simple (because I made the game in 5 days without anyone's help.)
You cannot say my writing is bad because I am experienced in writing. I write for newspapers.

And there is nothing wrong with the text box. Something must be wrong with your computer.

Let's see you complete a game with a good main menu, a music room, and correct music in less than 5 days.
And, I am very busy most of the time. But, somehow I finished this game in five days.
And this is how you thank me?

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

Cool it dude, it is called critique. I am telling you what you can do better. How can you improve if no-one tells you what is wrong with it in the first place? I, as a game player, am in a perfect position to tell you so. If you don't want critique, get out of the forums. This is what they are here for.

Your writing is drier than dry wall. I don't care if it hasn't got any grammar or spelling mistakes. Anyone can achieve that and it doesn't qualify it as good writing. See this topic for more info on what people like to consider to be 'good' writing: viewtopic.php?f=4&t=10101 From my point of view, your writing had no emotion and so wasn't very enjoyable to read. I pointed out a couple sections that were poor writing. You working for a newspaper may actually have a lot to do with this since newspapers are not often used for story telling, except possibly the editorial section. Most newspapers tend to be a bit dry and factual, which is great for news, not so good for a story.

And yes, there was a flaw with the text boxes. They popped up and down. It was annoying.

Let's see you create a full sprite set by hand. You can't, right? Just because I can't do it, doesn't mean I can't tell you what is wrong with it. You don't have to be a chef to know when food tastes bad.

I have no reason to thank you. I told you what you needed to work on to make your game better. You should treat it as a learning experience, not get offended about it. I won't be playing any of your games again if this is how you react to feedback.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

The problem is there is no reward for finishing a game within 5 days.

You are not creating a game under a current programming competition and you are releasing a game for free to play and thus it is subject to praise but also critics.

Players have the right to have opinions about your game and you have the right to listen for them or not.

But players will not praise you because you finished a game in 5 fays, and don't care about your life situation. Sure, you accomplished a goal with a time limit restriction, but you cannot shield yourself with this argument to counter a bad writing critic.

Woah there! No need to be like that, Auro-Cyanide was only providing some critique to help you improve, she is not trying to bash you or anything, loads of people here at the forums do that whenever a new game is released.

And anyway, you can't expect everyone to love your game and not find faults in it.

I will not say anything else anymore because I haven't played nor downloaded the game yet.

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"A fool who doesn't think is more foolish than a fool who foolishly thinks." - Franziska Von Karma
My avatar is chibi Alex in disguise, not chibi Zander. >_>

I was angry because he said my writing was bad.
He can say that my story was bad, but not my writing.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

I'm a she. And I gave you direct examples of why your writing was bad. It is not exactly something you can deny. Anyone can tell you repeating information is bad writing form. As is telling and not showing. These are very basic rules that most writers learn early on. The world isn't going to end if you don't fix it, but I can bet not many people will be able to get into your story if you don't.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

I am not here to fight with you.
And, I don't understand what are you saying about the world ending.
Please, leave me alone.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

*sigh* Whatever, your loss. I will go play and critique someone's game who will actually improve with it. Sorry for giving you something you didn't want.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

All you gave me a was a headache.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

I also gave your game a shot, just to see what the entire fuss was all about. You said you created it in five days, and frankly, that's what it looks like.

Your writing, as AuroCyanide said, is lifeless and dry. Your plot really doesn't have much to speak for it, either. For gripping whodunits, check out the achievements of your namesake, Phoenix Wright. That's how you write crime plots.

From what I've read so far, it looks as though you don't care that much for constructive criticism; however, I'm going to give you some anyway: If you want people to care for your characters, give them some personality. Give them something recognizable in their behavior, a catch phrase they often use, or some nervous habit, so that they stand out from others. In dialogue, make your characters react to what others tell them ( "What? No way!" - "Ah, I thought so!" ) so that it's clear they're somewhat affected by what they hear and see.

Oh, and by the way...

Letters to the editor, or what? From your style, I'd say you're pretty much a beginner, or you're not a native English speaker and have trouble writing well in a foreign language. Also, your argument doesn't hold water - there's one guy who writes for the feature pages of my local newspaper whom I'd really like to kill for how he mangles language and for how bad he is with metaphors. This guy apparently still gets to write for a newspaper on a weekly base, so I guess the level of skill among journalists isn't what it used to be.

Kudos to you for finishing a VN in such a short time and without any help from others. Keep writing and you will get better in time. But shame on you for using artwork other than stock photographic images and not giving credit to the artists or at least the source where you found it. That's just not right in a non-commercial community.

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Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Writer for Pet Project II: Heavy Petting
More about me in my blog

Sorry but if you KILL someone who is writing in a newspaper, you have to go to jail. Ha ha ha ha.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.