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 Post subject: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 2:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
My latest game Crime Investigation is released.

It is my first game with a Music room.

You play as a famous detective. A girl named Clara has been murdered. Can you find out who killed her and why?

Story and Programming- Robinson
Artists- Anonymous
Music- Kevin Macleod

Warning: uploading.com may download unwanted programs to your computer.

Download here: http://uploading.com/files/5253a5m3/Cri ... win32.zip/

I made some mistakes in the first version, so download the second version.
Download here. http://uploading.com/files/3155ma9m/Cri ... win32.zip/
I do not think there is anything wrong with this version.

Believe it or not- I made this game in five days.

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Last edited by Wright1000 on Sun Dec 18, 2011 9:08 am, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:39 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:25 pm
Posts: 909
The game did not appear to have any viruses. Comment on game-play follows.
You might have selected a different model for Jade. I can't think of any reason why she would be wearing a kimono. The music fit the scenes. I didn't see any grammar errors. It's not bad for a short game. I've used the stolen gun cliche in my hentai VN Detective Story.

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All of my VNs are at http://wolflore.net Some recent works on lemmasoft:
Vera Blanc and the Purloined patient http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=20801
Something Strange (modern fantasy/romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=17127
Arnie and the Hitchhiker (vampire romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=15382
Poorly done hand drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 4:45 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Jade is a sweeper. So, she was wearing a kimono.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 8:46 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:02 am
Posts: 2753
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Completed: Ristorante Amore, The Elevator, Witch/Knight, Nachtigal, Taarradhin
Projects: Athena, Break Chance Memento
Organization: Cyanide Tea
Okay, feedback.

Firstly, it is good that you finished a game. Not many really accomplish this.

However. There are many things that could have been done better. There needs to be a point to the creation, otherwise it is pretty futile to create it in the first place. What were you trying to accomplish with this story?

Anyway, some points for you to think upon:

Writing: Your writing is pretty bad and I think you could make significant improvements on it. It just has no... life. One of the cardinal rules of writing is to show, not tell. All you do is tell. 'I did this...' and 'I did that...'. That is poor writing. Use your adjectives and actually put some personality into the writing. Another major fault is that you repeat things. One example is:
'That is where I am heading now. I am heading to the offices of the Daily International'. This is terrible sentence construction. All you needed was the second sentence. The first one is totally redundant. I don't know if you are a native English speaker or not so it is difficult to judge. Either way, I suggest you start reading a lot and find yourself a good English native speaker to proofread your work. No better way to learn then to dive in and try.

Story: I felt myself wondering what the point was. Fair enough if you were testing out programming functions and you were learning new skills. However, the fact you completed this in five days has left me with the impression that you should have taken your time and actually given it a point. There wasn't much to the story at all, it was easy to solve and there was no real mystery to it. I think you should sit down and actually create a story that people will want to read. Put some effort into it, try to be unique and above all, try to be a story teller.

Plot:
Plot hole. How would Greg know Cindy had a gun? How did he steal it? Why did *can't remember his name* patiently wait around for the cops when he came to kill Cindy? Why was no-one else on the crime scene? How did Greg kill Clara without anyone knowing? Also, there was no foreshadowing. At all. Just popped out of no where. So Greg killed Clara's parents because they were terrorist and so she framed him. Where did that come from? How did he kill them, when did he kill them, why did he kill them, why was Clara motivated to get him fired of all things? None of this was explained and I would figure it was pretty important since it got Clara killed.


Programming: Wasn't too bad, though it is not my expertise. The only thing that bugged me was the way the text box flashed up and down. It would be better if it stayed up during dialogue so it wasn't so distracting.

Art: Ah, now this is my expertise. I understand that you didn't create the art so I will not bleat on about it. However, the re-colouring jobs were a bit dodgy especially
Clara's death scene. The hair colour is all over the place, the patch of blood in the crook of her arm is still grey and the bullet hole has no colour.
I also agree that the
kimino is very out of place. They are not in Japan, judging from their names. Why is she in a kimino? I think there are more appropriate free sprites out there.
Speaking of free sprites, you can get sets that have different emotions. They would help a lot with the visual aspect of the story telling. I'm sure you could afford the time to do them properly. I also wonder at your typeface choice. The typeface has a Elizabethan feel, not very appropriate for a crime story set in modern times.

So, congratulations for getting a game done. I hope that you will continue to test your limitations and achieve even greater things.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumbler Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 4:18 am 
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Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
I will not thank you for whatever you said.
But how can you say that my writing was bad?
I don't think there are any grammar mistakes, or spelling mistakes.
I agree that the story is too simple (because I made the game in 5 days without anyone's help.)
You cannot say my writing is bad because I am experienced in writing. I write for newspapers.

And there is nothing wrong with the text box. Something must be wrong with your computer.

Let's see you complete a game with a good main menu, a music room, and correct music in less than 5 days.
And, I am very busy most of the time. But, somehow I finished this game in five days.
And this is how you thank me?

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 5:30 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:02 am
Posts: 2753
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Completed: Ristorante Amore, The Elevator, Witch/Knight, Nachtigal, Taarradhin
Projects: Athena, Break Chance Memento
Organization: Cyanide Tea
Cool it dude, it is called critique. I am telling you what you can do better. How can you improve if no-one tells you what is wrong with it in the first place? I, as a game player, am in a perfect position to tell you so. If you don't want critique, get out of the forums. This is what they are here for.

Your writing is drier than dry wall. I don't care if it hasn't got any grammar or spelling mistakes. Anyone can achieve that and it doesn't qualify it as good writing. See this topic for more info on what people like to consider to be 'good' writing: viewtopic.php?f=4&t=10101 From my point of view, your writing had no emotion and so wasn't very enjoyable to read. I pointed out a couple sections that were poor writing. You working for a newspaper may actually have a lot to do with this since newspapers are not often used for story telling, except possibly the editorial section. Most newspapers tend to be a bit dry and factual, which is great for news, not so good for a story.

And yes, there was a flaw with the text boxes. They popped up and down. It was annoying.

Let's see you create a full sprite set by hand. You can't, right? Just because I can't do it, doesn't mean I can't tell you what is wrong with it. You don't have to be a chef to know when food tastes bad.

I have no reason to thank you. I told you what you needed to work on to make your game better. You should treat it as a learning experience, not get offended about it. I won't be playing any of your games again if this is how you react to feedback.

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I did a really terrible job of being on hiatus...
The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumbler Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 5:54 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 4:51 pm
Posts: 541
The problem is there is no reward for finishing a game within 5 days.

You are not creating a game under a current programming competition and you are releasing a game for free to play and thus it is subject to praise but also critics.

Players have the right to have opinions about your game and you have the right to listen for them or not.

But players will not praise you because you finished a game in 5 fays, and don't care about your life situation. Sure, you accomplished a goal with a time limit restriction, but you cannot shield yourself with this argument to counter a bad writing critic.


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 6:13 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:22 pm
Posts: 962
Location: Philippines
Completed: Caught in Between: A childhood prologue
Projects: MDLS, Alice Hunt(Temporarily on-hold), The Guardian's Spell and one other unannounced thing.
Woah there! No need to be like that, Auro-Cyanide was only providing some critique to help you improve, she is not trying to bash you or anything, loads of people here at the forums do that whenever a new game is released.

And anyway, you can't expect everyone to love your game and not find faults in it.

I will not say anything else anymore because I haven't played nor downloaded the game yet.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:04 am 
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Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
I was angry because he said my writing was bad.
He can say that my story was bad, but not my writing.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:16 am 
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Posts: 2753
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Completed: Ristorante Amore, The Elevator, Witch/Knight, Nachtigal, Taarradhin
Projects: Athena, Break Chance Memento
Organization: Cyanide Tea
I'm a she. And I gave you direct examples of why your writing was bad. It is not exactly something you can deny. Anyone can tell you repeating information is bad writing form. As is telling and not showing. These are very basic rules that most writers learn early on. The world isn't going to end if you don't fix it, but I can bet not many people will be able to get into your story if you don't.

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The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumbler Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:39 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
I am not here to fight with you.
And, I don't understand what are you saying about the world ending.
Please, leave me alone.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:48 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 9:02 am
Posts: 2753
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Completed: Ristorante Amore, The Elevator, Witch/Knight, Nachtigal, Taarradhin
Projects: Athena, Break Chance Memento
Organization: Cyanide Tea
*sigh* Whatever, your loss. I will go play and critique someone's game who will actually improve with it. Sorry for giving you something you didn't want.

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I did a really terrible job of being on hiatus...
The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumbler Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore


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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:51 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
All you gave me a was a headache.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:06 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Posts: 2551
Location: Germany
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
I also gave your game a shot, just to see what the entire fuss was all about. You said you created it in five days, and frankly, that's what it looks like.

Your writing, as AuroCyanide said, is lifeless and dry. Your plot really doesn't have much to speak for it, either. For gripping whodunits, check out the achievements of your namesake, Phoenix Wright. That's how you write crime plots.

From what I've read so far, it looks as though you don't care that much for constructive criticism; however, I'm going to give you some anyway: If you want people to care for your characters, give them some personality. Give them something recognizable in their behavior, a catch phrase they often use, or some nervous habit, so that they stand out from others. In dialogue, make your characters react to what others tell them ( "What? No way!" - "Ah, I thought so!" ) so that it's clear they're somewhat affected by what they hear and see.

Oh, and by the way...
Wright1000 wrote:
You cannot say my writing is bad because I am experienced in writing. I write for newspapers.

Letters to the editor, or what? From your style, I'd say you're pretty much a beginner, or you're not a native English speaker and have trouble writing well in a foreign language. Also, your argument doesn't hold water - there's one guy who writes for the feature pages of my local newspaper whom I'd really like to kill for how he mangles language and for how bad he is with metaphors. This guy apparently still gets to write for a newspaper on a weekly base, so I guess the level of skill among journalists isn't what it used to be.

Kudos to you for finishing a VN in such a short time and without any help from others. Keep writing and you will get better in time. But shame on you for using artwork other than stock photographic images and not giving credit to the artists or at least the source where you found it. That's just not right in a non-commercial community.

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Creator of The Loyal Kinsman

Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming

Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year

Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift

More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira



Last edited by Taleweaver on Thu Apr 28, 2011 7:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Crime Investigation
PostPosted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 5:05 am 
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Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Sorry but if you KILL someone who is writing in a newspaper, you have to go to jail. Ha ha ha ha.

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