I've run through it a couple of times and I'm fairly sure there are no bugs (missing or incorrect lines in the script etc.). Just... anyone who does actually download it, again, please be aware:
- The story, at the moment, is basically the same every time; you're just picking the response you want to give/the approach you want to take. This adds to one of four counters which determine the version of the ending you get. They just add +1 every time, so you can probably break the game that way!
- The responses, at the moment, are always in order, more or less. Pick the bottom response every time, you'll get the best ending. Pick the top, the worst (and a couple of times the bad endings).
- You're basically going to be clicking a few thousand times, staring at the same few dumb static pictures and listening to the same recordings of half-assed tribal drumming driving you nuts. (Just trying to keep anyone's expectations suitably low!)
- I haven't turned off developer tools or anything else. If you want to cheat or pick it apart or whatever, go nuts. I can't stop you.
- All I did was the writing. The art and music, to the best of my knowledge, are all public domain/CC. (Pictures are credited, music is not at the moment.)
If you're good with all that, download away. Tell me if you liked it: tell me if it bored you rigid, offended you, or anything in between. I can take it! But hopefully if you're brave enough to give it a shot, you'll get something out of it.
Hey, I finally downloaded it and had a chance to work my way through the beginning.
As I said earlier, I really like the setting and concept, and I think those are strong points.
If you're looking to make edits, the main issue I notice (and you may already plan on addressing this) is that in its present state, the story feels less like a visual novel and more like... a novel novel. I'm not talking about the lack of art (which is fine for a demo)--I mean the writing itself feels more like prose than dialogue. Most noticeable is the way Bikay keeps saying "he/she said" after every line of dialogue by a different character. That's the type of thing that makes perfect sense in a 1st-person novel but looks a little unnatural when the dialogue is already tagged with character names--imagine the narrator of a movie adding "he said" after all the dialogue! Reading a text-heavy visual novel is actually in a lot of ways more similar to reading the script of a play than a novel.
Oh, and did you know you can adjust the default text speed? The default is 100%, but most games generally change the default to be somewhere in the middle since that's a speed most video game players are familiar with.
As I said, cool ideas with the plot and everything. This goes not just for the African setting but for the approach to fantasy, which is different than the standard formula (in a good way). You mentioned you were worried about accidentally being offensive, but I didn't personally notice anything like that.
Those are my thoughts, anyway. Hope at least some of it was helpful and best of luck as you move toward completion!
YossarianIII wrote:Most noticeable is the way Bikay keeps saying "he/she said" after every line of dialogue by a different character. That's the type of thing that makes perfect sense in a 1st-person novel but looks a little unnatural when the dialogue is already tagged with character names--imagine the narrator of a movie adding "he said" after all the dialogue! Reading a text-heavy visual novel is actually in a lot of ways more similar to reading the script of a play than a novel.
I think this is intentional. Bikay is recounting past experiences, after all. Perhaps it would read better without the Ren'Py dialogue tags.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain