Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][short]
- Rosstin
- Veteran
- Posts: 368
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:43 pm
- Completed: Rex Rocket, Kitty Love, King's Ascent
- Projects: Road Redemption, Queen At Arms
- Organization: Aqualuft Games
- Contact:
Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][short]
Meagan and I are considering producing a short visual novel based on "Carmilla", an 1870s vampire novel that predates Dracula.
I've actually already whipped up an essentially complete version of the game text. There's not really any art yet. I'm hoping to get feedback on the script.
This will be a short game, less than 10,000 words.
Our premise is simple: The story of "Carmilla", but taking place entirely in a single night. Carmilla and the protagonist are the only two characters, and the game takes place entirely in the protagonist's bedroom. Also, less sexism, more agency for the protagonist, no nonconsensual sex.
Last edited by Rosstin on Sun Mar 15, 2015 11:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.
- Ulalaria
- Regular
- Posts: 150
- Joined: Thu May 29, 2014 11:45 pm
- Completed: Faust: Scene II, Queen At Arms, Rosewater
- Projects: The Owl-Woman Oracle
- Tumblr: meagantrott
- Contact:
Re: Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][sho
(space reserved for future updates)
- Mad Harlequin
- Eileen-Class Veteran
- Posts: 1068
- Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:55 am
- Projects: Emma: A Lady's Maid (editor)
- IRC Nick: MadHarlequin
- Location: Gotham City
- Contact:
Re: Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][sho
I had a look at this earlier in the week, but I let my thoughts sit for a while before posting. I remember reading Carmilla a long time ago and enjoying it---bearing in mind that the time period made it what it is---so boiling down the concept, with the racism, sexism, and non-consensual sex removed, appealed to me.
If you decide to move forward, I would work on the quality of the prose. I recognize that the alpha posted here is a very early draft, but there are some issues beyond minor mechanical errors that I'd like to address.
There are several redundancies throughout the text, including these:
The ubiquity of phrases and images like these makes the narrative weak, and there's not much else in the way of description that might redeem it somewhat.
Perhaps more importantly, it makes Carmilla really boring. I read so much about her body heat, and the lack of it, that it became meaningless. Besides that, she's not actually described much at all beyond being a beautiful, dark-eyed, and fanged young woman who grins "mischeviously" very often. I didn't see her clearly enough in my mind to consider her memorable, and that occurred well before I got to the sex scene.
I'm not sure I'd advise limiting the script to fewer than ten thousand words if the writing is going to be this bland. I do truly like this idea, though, and I think it could shine if given more care.
If you decide to move forward, I would work on the quality of the prose. I recognize that the alpha posted here is a very early draft, but there are some issues beyond minor mechanical errors that I'd like to address.
There are several redundancies throughout the text, including these:
"You gently wash the wound with a wet washcloth. It really doesn't look so bad once you've cleared the blood away.
Here's another, excerpted from Carmilla's tale of the oupire:"The blood from her wound bleeds freely, soaking your carpet and your nightgown."
One more:"As her fingers ran over my body, I experienced a queer sensation, almost like the feeling of cold water running over my body."
A few clicks later, "Carmilla's skin fades to a deep, dull grey, like the flesh of a statue or a corpse."She stands still as a statue, with no hint of respiration. Then, she snarls.
The ubiquity of phrases and images like these makes the narrative weak, and there's not much else in the way of description that might redeem it somewhat.
Perhaps more importantly, it makes Carmilla really boring. I read so much about her body heat, and the lack of it, that it became meaningless. Besides that, she's not actually described much at all beyond being a beautiful, dark-eyed, and fanged young woman who grins "mischeviously" very often. I didn't see her clearly enough in my mind to consider her memorable, and that occurred well before I got to the sex scene.
Now, I'm unsure if there's a separate thread for adults-only project ideas, so I don't know if the sex scene was kept spare on purpose, but it was all fizzle and no sizzle.As she strokes you expertly, a rising thrill passes through your body.
What does being stroked "expertly" mean? What, specifically, thrills her? As it stands, this is just a passage full of nondescript sexual pleasures.As she strokes you expertly, a rising thrill passes through your body. A feeling like cold water rushing over you. There is a gentle pricking at your throat, and a feeling of ecstasy spreads through you [ ...] You experience a feeling of thrilling, gentle lassitude as your limbs weaken . . . You are nearing your breaking point. [...] You shudder, your whole body rising in a thrill of pleasure. Waves of pleasure cascade over you, cold and then hot.
I'm not sure I'd advise limiting the script to fewer than ten thousand words if the writing is going to be this bland. I do truly like this idea, though, and I think it could shine if given more care.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain
— Mark Twain
- Rosstin
- Veteran
- Posts: 368
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2011 5:43 pm
- Completed: Rex Rocket, Kitty Love, King's Ascent
- Projects: Road Redemption, Queen At Arms
- Organization: Aqualuft Games
- Contact:
Re: Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][sho
Hey, thanks for the feedback! That's good criticism. The redundancy you mentioned is sort of intentional in this draft, as I'm trying to pull out some parts of the original work that were repeated a lot: the body heat thing, her different states of transformation.
Yeah, I really banged this out very quickly over like ~6 hours or so. My main goal was to get most of the pathing out of the way, so I didn't focus much on the quality of the writing.
The original work really has no characterization of either Laura or Carmilla in it, so one of the things me and Meagan are working on is trying to come up with personalities and characterization for Laura and Carmilla. One of my writer buddies took a pass through it, and she mentioned that the most interesting part to her was when Laura shows Carmilla her collection of stuff. So I have to brainstorm how I can get more things like that into the game, and take Laura and Carmilla beyond "bored rich girl" and "sexy vampire." Also, Meagan hates that Carmilla has a "woe is me" moment, so I want to reframe Carmilla as more of a Lestat-type who glories in her existence.
(In that vein, I was actually surprised at how easy it was to write a killer and really not be bothered that much about it. We agonized a bit over what kind of monster Carmilla would be, but in the end I guess we're all pretty numb to the idea of having social interaction with a murderer.)
Queen At Arms is pretty busy right now, but I've been doing some brainstorming and when I have a free chunk of time I'm gonna take another pass thru this.
Yeah, I really banged this out very quickly over like ~6 hours or so. My main goal was to get most of the pathing out of the way, so I didn't focus much on the quality of the writing.
The original work really has no characterization of either Laura or Carmilla in it, so one of the things me and Meagan are working on is trying to come up with personalities and characterization for Laura and Carmilla. One of my writer buddies took a pass through it, and she mentioned that the most interesting part to her was when Laura shows Carmilla her collection of stuff. So I have to brainstorm how I can get more things like that into the game, and take Laura and Carmilla beyond "bored rich girl" and "sexy vampire." Also, Meagan hates that Carmilla has a "woe is me" moment, so I want to reframe Carmilla as more of a Lestat-type who glories in her existence.
(In that vein, I was actually surprised at how easy it was to write a killer and really not be bothered that much about it. We agonized a bit over what kind of monster Carmilla would be, but in the end I guess we're all pretty numb to the idea of having social interaction with a murderer.)
Queen At Arms is pretty busy right now, but I've been doing some brainstorming and when I have a free chunk of time I'm gonna take another pass thru this.
- Mad Harlequin
- Eileen-Class Veteran
- Posts: 1068
- Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:55 am
- Projects: Emma: A Lady's Maid (editor)
- IRC Nick: MadHarlequin
- Location: Gotham City
- Contact:
Re: Carmilla [GxG][demo][sex][violence][horror][vampire][sho
You're welcome.Rosstin wrote:Hey, thanks for the feedback! That's good criticism. The redundancy you mentioned is sort of intentional in this draft, as I'm trying to pull out some parts of the original work that were repeated a lot: the body heat thing, her different states of transformation.
Redundancy can work if you're emphasizing specific details, but that trick has to be used very sparingly, lest you dilute its power.
I'm inclined to agree with your friend. Actually, doing away with the choices, or at least the ones not related to Laura's final decision, might serve the concept better. You'd probably end up with more words than you originally intended, but you'd have time to develop Laura's relationship with Carmilla more. Instead of debating whether to open her window, Laura could already have let Carmilla inside. Perhaps Carmilla pays nightly visits, and the two of them sit and talk. (You mentioned Anne Rice's Lestat, but it might also be worthwhile to take cues from Interview with a Vampire, as the bulk of the novel is Louis's life story, as told by him to his human interviewer.)The original work really has no characterization of either Laura or Carmilla in it, so one of the things me and Meagan are working on is trying to come up with personalities and characterization for Laura and Carmilla. One of my writer buddies took a pass through it, and she mentioned that the most interesting part to her was when Laura shows Carmilla her collection of stuff. So I have to brainstorm how I can get more things like that into the game, and take Laura and Carmilla beyond "bored rich girl" and "sexy vampire." Also, Meagan hates that Carmilla has a "woe is me" moment, so I want to reframe Carmilla as more of a Lestat-type who glories in her existence.
I also encourage you to look at Emily Short's Galatea, which is a piece of interactive fiction about a conversation with a living statue.
I don't know if that's true, but there are certainly many people who find murderers a fascinating subject of study.(In that vein, I was actually surprised at how easy it was to write a killer and really not be bothered that much about it. We agonized a bit over what kind of monster Carmilla would be, but in the end I guess we're all pretty numb to the idea of having social interaction with a murderer.)
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain
— Mark Twain
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users