I had a look at this earlier in the week, but I let my thoughts sit for a while before posting. I remember reading
Carmilla a long time ago and enjoying it---bearing in mind that the time period made it what it is---so boiling down the concept, with the racism, sexism, and non-consensual sex removed, appealed to me.
If you decide to move forward, I would work on the quality of the prose. I recognize that the alpha posted here is a very early draft, but there are some issues beyond minor mechanical errors that I'd like to address.
There are several redundancies throughout the text, including these:
"You gently wash the wound with a wet washcloth. It really doesn't look so bad once you've cleared the blood away.
"The blood from her wound bleeds freely, soaking your carpet and your nightgown."
Here's another, excerpted from Carmilla's tale of the oupire:
"As her fingers ran over my body, I experienced a queer sensation, almost like the feeling of cold water running over my body."
One more:
She stands still as a statue, with no hint of respiration. Then, she snarls.
A few clicks later, "Carmilla's skin fades to a deep, dull grey, like the flesh of a statue or a corpse."
The ubiquity of phrases and images like these makes the narrative weak, and there's not much else in the way of description that might redeem it somewhat.
Perhaps more importantly, it makes Carmilla really boring. I read so much about her body heat, and the lack of it, that it became meaningless. Besides that, she's not actually described much at all beyond being a beautiful, dark-eyed, and fanged young woman who grins "mischeviously" very often. I didn't see her clearly enough in my mind to consider her memorable, and that occurred well before I got to the sex scene.
As she strokes you expertly, a rising thrill passes through your body.
Now, I'm unsure if there's a separate thread for adults-only project ideas, so I don't know if the sex scene was kept spare on purpose, but it was all fizzle and no sizzle.
As she strokes you expertly, a rising thrill passes through your body. A feeling like cold water rushing over you. There is a gentle pricking at your throat, and a feeling of ecstasy spreads through you [ ...] You experience a feeling of thrilling, gentle lassitude as your limbs weaken . . . You are nearing your breaking point. [...] You shudder, your whole body rising in a thrill of pleasure. Waves of pleasure cascade over you, cold and then hot.
What does being stroked "expertly" mean? What, specifically, thrills her? As it stands, this is just a passage full of nondescript sexual pleasures.
I'm not sure I'd advise limiting the script to fewer than ten thousand words if the writing is going to be this bland. I do truly like this idea, though, and I think it could shine if given more care.
