[WIP] - The Phenomenon

[Jonarific]

(I edited the post, this one should be a little clearer)

Greetings forum dwellers, I would like to present my project: The Phenomenon

I finally decided to form a team to create a visual novel version of a story I started writing about a year ago. Back then I had just finished reading my first VNs, Tsukihime, Fate/stay Night, Yume Miru Kusuri, Sharin no Kuni, Saya no Uta... My favorite Visual Novels are super natural-based ones with romance, like Tsukihime, Fate, Saya. I don't really care for shallow dating-sim type games.

I edited the story I originally wrote, and now I think I've got something pretty good. Originally it started out as project for school, and the locations are based in areas of my home town. (Albuquerque) As such, the backgrounds will mostly be photos I've taken. (Unless our artist is willing to do backgrounds.)

I decided to call the story "The Phenomenon" since "The Phenomenon" that happens is the main idea of the story, but suggestions for a better name are welcome.

Our story begins with the protagonist, J. It's a typical day for him, as usual, he takes him time to school and is already late. J bumps into Athena behind the school, a-top an old scoreboard where Athena is ditching her first period class. The two talk outside of the classroom for once, but by accident, Athena knocks J off the scoreboard. As J is plummeting to the ground (head first) towards his doom, Athena uses magic to catch him mid-air.

This is how the two meet, and eventually end up forming a relationship together. Athena uses her magic on J to heal a chronic injury he's had for years, but keeps the use of her magic a secret other wise, and is really uncomfortable when J asks about magic. J eventually stops asking, thinking it's not his place.

The story skips ahead to the 2nd year, introducing Athena's troubled family life and how her family resents her. As J and Athena are out and about when Athena notices a strange ghost-like anomaly with an amazing amount of energy to it. She takes J to safety, but doesn't alert to him to what's going on. Something supernatural just roaming the town is incredibly risky to magi, as all magi must keep magic a secret from the world out of fear of what mankind would do to them.

Athena tells her family about the ghost-like banshee, and finds out it's something called "The Phenomenon" a collection of mana, suspected to form when magi fight, and the energy collects in the earth to form a being, "The Phenomenon." It takes one year to turn into a "Matured Phenomenon" when it becomes an anti-magi, anti-life being that consumes everything in it's path. Athena and Cathrine (Her sister) are the "enforcers" of the town. The Treyon family is the strongest magi family, and the responsibility falls on them to both keep magic a secret, and deal with any magical-related events in their town.

J has started to notice some strange things of his own, a few supernatural things he can do that he shouldn't be able to. Athena senses this, and wonders why J is hiding his magic from her. J however, has no idea that he's a magi.

Why did J's family keep magic a secret from him and never teach him, how will Athena and her family solve the problem of "The Phenomenon" and how will Athena respond to J's "secret" And is that really all there is to "The Phenomenon?" dun dun dun~

Here's the finalized concept art for the characters so far (ages based on final year of the story, not first)


Jameson "J" Leenox, our protagonist and main character. He lost his parents in what he was told was a car accident, however, the last thing he remembers from his youth is being at the park with his parents, where he fell from a tree and woke up in the hospital: With a chronic injury (and pain) in his knee. (Damn, he's pretty...Age 17)


Athena Treyon, heroine of the first story arc. She refuses to use magic for the usual reasons magi do, despite her family having the unique ability of using mana in it's purist form for their spells. Athena focuses on protecting others, healing them. She wants to be a doctor when she grows up and work in a hospital to preform "miracles" to unsuspecting patients. The only person in her family that supported her view was her father, who's now dead. Her mother has been abusive since Athena's father died, and her sister doesn't care enough to stop it. (Age 16)


Cathrine Treyon, the second heroine of our story, sister of Athena. An elitest magi, with good reason. She's the successor to the Treyon family name, and one of the strongest magi in existence. Catthrine can mimic the elements, but if she's serious, uses magic in it's purist form for her spells, mana.(Age 18)

I'll let this dialog between Athena and Cathrine say the rest.

“I’m not using my magic to fight others if I don’t have to. If I must, I’ll pair up with someone, but I refuse to just kill other families, or even a single magi just because they’re a different blood line. That type of violence just results in more violence.” I dust myself off some more and heal the damage Sharon did to me as if it were nothing.

“Heh heh heh... Unless you kill them all, Athena. That stops all the violence.” I glare at her.

“Our blood line is one of the strongest you know, you don’t have to show mercy. The other families would kill you, I hope you know that, so if you just kill them first you won’t have to worry about fighting anymore.” Cathrine says with confidence.

Rachel Fensor, third heroine of the story. A mysterious girl, Rachel is in the rivaling family as the Treyon's family, Fensor. Very little is known about her, except that her only friend is J. (Age 17)


"The Phenomenon" in her "mature" form. (Assumed Age: 1)

I would love to hear what the community thinks of the story. I've spent a long time on this, and a lot of thought has gone into how magic works in the universe of this story. It's my precious~ Critique away, community.

P.S. I leave you with the words of a character, explaining why magic is kept hidden.

"It's really dangerous to share magic with anyone not a magi. Mankind has always discriminated against those who are different and things they don't understand...

Religion, the witch trials, racism, politics, greed... Wars have started because of those things, and there's a lot of misunderstanding and even hatred... Revealing magic to the world would most likely cause a war, the government would research ways to find and secure us, religions might view us as "the devil." Non-magi would want to harvest magic for their greed, which is already a huge problem with magi.

"

[Kael]

The story sounds neat, I also like "The Phenomenon" sprite, it looks mighty. I love anything that has magic, so with no exception, I'll be watching this. Good luck.

Thank you.

[Jonarific]

I did a major revision of the post, hoping to get a few more opinions from it. My non-edited post was poorly written, I'm not surprised I didn't get any feedback, haha. Don't be shy, post your opinions!

[Jintoki]

I see you've put a lot of thought and effort into the plot and characters, which show from your descriptions. It seems like it'll be a big story as well. Do you have any idea how many story arcs there will be? The dialogue sounds pretty good as well from the samples you've listed, but there's just one thing I'd like to point out:

“Our blood line is one of the strongest you know, you don’t have to show mercy. The other families would kill you, I hope you know that, so if you just kill them first you won’t have to worry about fighting anymore.” Cathrine says with confidence.

In the area I bolded, you want to place a comma beside anymore instead of a period. "Catherine says with confidence" doesn't really make sense as a stand alone sentence (says what?). I thought I'd just point that out.

Good luck on your project!

[Abeiramar]

Sounds interesting. I like the way you draw faces, be careful drawing hands though, they are hard but very important, so don't hide them. Draw them a lot instead, you will eventually become quite good at them (hands) .

[Anna]

Yay, a not-dating-sim project!

I like what you've written so far, but I have my doubts about the character profiles/their pictures. What bothers me is that swords weren't even mentioned, it's set in a modern day setting and yet the main character carries a sword. How does he get away with that in this particular setting?

Other than that the outfit of Cathrine seems too plain and boring, it doesn't match well. Especially when compared to that expensive looking necklace she's wearing and her strong personality. Perhaps make it a bit more interesting, for example just making her sleeves less baggy/big-looking and adding some details/a pattern/buttons/etc would improve it a lot.

[Jonarific]

Yay, a not-dating-sim project!

I like what you've written so far, but I have my doubts about the character profiles/their pictures. What bothers me is that swords weren't even mentioned, it's set in a modern day setting and yet the main character carries a sword. How does he get away with that in this particular setting?

Other than that the outfit of Cathrine seems too plain and boring, it doesn't match well. Especially when compared to that expensive looking necklace she's wearing and her strong personality. Perhaps make it a bit more interesting, for example just making her sleeves less baggy/big-looking and adding some details/a pattern/buttons/etc would improve it a lot.

Greetings, glad to get such a critical question.

The first reason behind using a weapon, as well as the main character / phenomenon using a weapon, is well defined in the plot, and my apologies for having to keep a bit of that hidden in this post. But yes, Athena thinks J is incredibly strange for taking the approach he does to magic. Aka "using a weapon when you can learn a spell to blast someone away" they are magi, so it's a strange idea to use a weapon like that. However, J never did have a proper teacher, and wasn't even sure if he knew magic in the first place.

The second reason is how magic functions (in the stories universe, of course.) All living things have some amount of mana, the type of energy needed for magic. A magi have an excess (compared to most other living beings) giving them the ability to do spells/magic. There's actually a dialog about this, when J asks if a gun would work against The Phenomenon.

This also explains why J decides to continues to use a sword; also, the story goes into detail of magic vs non magic.

— Hey, would a gun work against Phenomenon?"

"Well... probably not. A gun doesn't use any form of mana to function, a sword, or anything propelled by your own strength is more effective. Each human has mana, which is used when swinging any object at someone. However, all magi during combat let their energy flow, making a barrier around them. Wearing away at that barrier can be done with physical force, such as a gun or explosion, but the most effective way is to use something with mana to hit that barrier. Mana is incredibly strong and durable, how strong and durable reflects a magi's strength. Using something less durable to hit a more durable object; the result should be obvious. A pipe, baseball bat, sword, if you're touching weapons and using your mana with them, they'll have a bit of your own mana. Not much, but enough to put stress on a barrier. The opposite side to this is hardening your mana, or hardening your barrier at specific times to reduce damage to it. If you expect a punch coming to your head, you put up your arms to defend, right?"

"Right." I nod.

"Think of me punching you as a metaphor, as a spell; and your barrier as your arm. You arm still takes a bit of impact, maybe even damage, depending on what type of "punch" is coming your way to do harm. But, it's almost always better to put your arm up and get hit where you're expecting, instead of taking damage on your head, or other vulnerable places. But something with overwhelming strength, like a car going full speed, you would want to avoid regardless of how prepared you are for the hit. Magically speaking, waiting to defend is a bad idea. Protecting from a punch is simple enough, but protecting from a spell is more tricky. Hardening your mana uses more mana, and is very wasteful."

"Eh... Similar to tensing your muscles during exercise, running and so on?"

[[Athena nods.]]

"Yes. You put stress on your body to do something and it uses energy, magic is the same way."

Other than that the outfit of Cathrine seems too plain and boring, it doesn't match well. Especially when compared to that expensive looking necklace she's wearing and her strong personality. Perhaps make it a bit more interesting, for example just making her sleeves less baggy/big-looking and adding some details/a pattern/buttons/etc would improve it a lot.

I'm aiming to make the characters a bit more "realistic." I know that in anime style art there tends to be a bit of exaggeration, as well as stockings / mini skirts / revealing outfits / really cute outfits. Not to say I don't love it, but a different style to suit the story seems appropriate. Also, I have 0 fashion sense. This isn't meant as a defense, but just saying my reasoning for why I wanted the characters drawn the way they are. I'll think about ways to add more detail to them though, they are a little plain, thank you.

If you have other questions, don't be shy.

It seems like it'll be a big story as well. Do you have any idea how many story arcs there will be?

I intend on having at least 2. The first is fully outlined, the "last" (not sure if i'm done one inbetween) is mostly outlined, but I do need to work on it more. The plan is to release the first story-arc to see how it goes. I intend on completing the last arc regardless, but if there's actually enough people who care about the story, I'll make the 2nd story arc to explain a lot of background behind why everything is, the way it is. Also, it'll probably be considered "long" by normal standards. I'm 30-45% done with the first arc's writing, and clocking in at 76,000 words.

Sounds interesting. I like the way you draw faces, be careful drawing hands thought, they are hard but very important, so don't hide them. Draw them a lot instead, you will eventually become quite good at them (hands) .

I'll be sure to pass the comments onto the artist, thank you.

edit: I have a few more concept arts of other characters I might be adding soon.

[platonicheart]

Here's my work

[Jonarific]

Here's my work

Kinda surprised you put your sketches of the characters in the thread, but hey, whatever. Sent you a PM about it.

As an update, hoping to have a demo done within a month or so. The art is coming along a little slowly, but it's getting done.

P.S. To anyone curious about the random pictures, was looking around for other artists, and platonicheart decided to post his/her sketches here for me to see... (I think...)