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 Post subject: short story
PostPosted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 8:09 pm 
Here's a short story: Maricel Alag sighed. She's having a fight with her friends. She borrowed a CD burner worth 200 dollars from her friend Annelyn. This CD burner doesn't even belong to Annelyn- it belongs to her American friend May. Maricel carelessly broke the CD burner. She was in her Hanes underpants and undershirt in her bedroom as she realized she broke the CD burner. She paced in her bedroom in her passionate underwear in fear. What is she going to do now?Maricel stretched. She lay on the bed in her loving underwear. She feels great pleasure being in only her underwear moaning in bed. However tonight she's scared because she carelessly broke May's CD burner. She thought of the possibilities. As she turned over in bed she farted. The stench of this fart filled the room. Maricel blushed in embarrassment about the fart. "I love my Hanes!" Maricel said out loud. She tugged at the big elastic label band of her underpants. She thought of all of the Hanes commercials she saw. She remembered the people in the commercials running in their underwear. Maricel began to run in her room imagining she's one of those people. Her ulimate fantasies are running in the fields outside in her underwear, driving a motorcycle in her underwear, and fighting in her underwear.Once Maricel got tired that night she finally went to bed. She fell asleep in her underwear.The next morning Maricel got dressed. She put on jeans and her pink Peko tee. She stretched and she yawned- her bad breath filling the air. A few hours later her friend knocked on the door. It's Annelyn. "Maricel, where's May's CD burner?" she asked. "Uh...uh....," Maricel paused. "She's asking for it," Annelyn said. Maricel was silent for a moment- not knowing what to do. Finally Maricel decided to face the music. Maricel went into her bedroom and she took the CD burner. She brought it to Annelyn. Annelyn said "Thanks!" Annelyn soon left with the CD burner.Later in the afternoon Annelyn and May were at Maricel's doorstep. She answered the door. "Why is it broke?" they demanded. Maricel was speechless. Suddenly she burst into tears. "I'm sorry!" she cried, "It was an accident!" "You have to repay me, " May said, "You have to pay me 200 dollars for breaking it." "I don't have the money!" Maricel wailed."You have to repay it," May snapped. Maricel suddenly unzipped her pants. She pulled it off- revealing her Hanes. Then she pulled off her top. She ran outside and she ran outside in Lucob in her passionate loving Hanes underwear. Everybody stared at her. Some laughed. Others were shocked. Now Maricel has fulfilled her fantasy- running in the fields outside in her loving underwear! "Ohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Maricel cried. She ran through the rice fields in her Hanes. Some people were so amused they took pictures.


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 Post subject: Re: short story
PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 11:38 am 
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Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 5:34 pm
Posts: 153
Projects: Modus Operandi, Grim
This isn't a short story. It's a small anecdote.
A short story is typically over a page long.
This is a few paragraphs.

It was OK, but I think you should improve upon some things.
Try making an outline first.
This will really help make your paragraphs make sense.
For example, you go straight from Maricel farting to her pulling on her underwear. There is not logical transition to this, and if there was, you didn't explain it. You need to keep your ideas together instead of jumping around all over the place.

Where you write, "As she turned over in bed she farted. The stench of this fart filled the room. Maricel blushed in embarrassment about the fart," is really choppy. The sentences by themselves are just fine, but you can combine two(or all three) of them to make something that is much better. For example, "As Maricel turned over in bed, she farted. The stench of this fart filled the room, and the girl blushed from embarrassment."

And, while personification is good to use, how is underwear loving?
For those things, you'd have to say something like, "Her underwear lovingly carressed her nether regions".

You need to insert paragraph breaks whenever dialogue shows up, too. That's a must.

Lastly, the most important thing is that 'so what' factor. With short stories, it's even more prominent because it's only a few pages long. Your writing has to have a purpose, a reason for the people to read it. What was yours? Whatever happened means nothing because it didn't teach me anything, and it didn't give me something to look back on and appreciate.

Anyway. Keep on trying. Writing takes a great deal of work and experience. Even the award-winning writers always need to improve. No writing is ever perfect. With that said, I hope you don't give up on this, even if you get some discouraging remarks. Use them as fuel to improve. (:

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