Writing casual relationship

[azureXtwilight]

I wanted to write about characters having a casual relationship (although not explicitly shown but hinted), but since it is not a common thing in the society I am born in (so forgive me if I ask something odd), there are things I want to ask:

1. If I address this, will people have problems with it? I want to portray the girl initiating the relationship first, as I believe women can be as sexually active as men.
2. Is there any common problems faced having such a relationship? How is a casual relationship differ than a "commited" relationship?
3. Are people generally open about having a casual relationship or are they more secretive?

[Googaboga]

I'm not really an expert but I'll try to help X3.

1. Some will. But I imagine most won't, at least around here. I think people won't mind the girl initiating the relationship.

2. Being confused by the relationship and not knowing exactly what they should and shouldn't expect can be a problem since casual relationships don't really have set rules. It's possible there could be misunderstands due to the people involved interpreting casual relationships in different ways (like for example one thinks it's okay for the other to meet their parents when the other thinks that's too much). And even if the relationship is casual it's possible one or both could become jealous or insecure at times since it is still an intimate relationship even though it's not serious.

3. People who have casual relationships tend to be more open about that kind of stuff in general so they'd probably be pretty comfortable talking about it. But I think it really depends on the individuals.

[DaFool]

1. If I address this, will people have problems with it? I want to portray the girl initiating the relationship first, as I believe women can be as sexually active as men.

Thoroughly welcomed, by me at least. Please, help in sharing the burden of "searching costs" -- investing energy in trying to secure a mate -- as well as putting oneself out there, risking rejection.

2. Is there any common problems faced having such a relationship? How is a casual relationship differ than a "commited" relationship?

I think women-initiated relationships and casual relationships are totally different things (even though the first thing that may come to mind with assertive women are eromanga). I have a distant uncle where the one who first approached, then wooed, and courted, was his wife.

Having grown up in a traditional setting, I have no idea how this "friends with benefits" scenario should play out. It's a totally different culture. What helps me if I think in a sci-fi or dystopian setting where all rules of society are turned upside-down, then you make the rules of society along as you write, so you can expect characters to behave in vastly different conditions.

Most hookups nowadays are done with the influence of alcohol. So if you think in terms of sober individuals negotiating their sexual interactions while not in the heat of the moment -- it's kinda challenging to envision.

3. Are people generally open about having a casual relationship or are they more secretive?

Depends if the polyamorous people would be willing to share their experiences. I think usually, they don't go to the meet-the-parents level.

[SundownKid]

I wanted to write about characters having a casual relationship (although not explicitly shown but hinted), but since it is not a common thing in the society I am born in (so forgive me if I ask something odd), there are things I want to ask:

1. If I address this, will people have problems with it? I want to portray the girl initiating the relationship first, as I believe women can be as sexually active as men.

Depends on the setting. Where I'm from, girls tend to be more picky or just don't initiate (well, unless it's a buff hunk). Of course, it could still happen, but chances of a guy walking up to a girl are a lot higher, either due to shyness or what they are taught. A woman having a sex drive and a woman initiating a relationship are two completely different things. A guy could hit on a shy woman and find they are very sexually active.

2. Is there any common problems faced having such a relationship? How is a casual relationship differ than a "commited" relationship?

I'd say that perhaps lack of intimacy and maybe cheating could be an issue. Both the girl and guy wouldn't feel that "bound" together and eventually it will probably end somehow. And since the guy is in the friend zone it probably won't turn back into a committed relationship if he wants it to.

3. Are people generally open about having a casual relationship or are they more secretive?

Probably depends on the person(s).

[Fenrir34]

1. Men can defniatly be as active as men. But since many girls play otome games, they would most likely want the guy to be the one who initiating the relationship. I guess it's kind of romantic depending on what you write. Personally, I think it would be cool though. More VN's need to show woman being the one who try to start a relationship. Just don't make her to forceful if you do it. Pushy girls are good.

2. I guess if a guy who goes with a girl like that might feel like his masculinity is threatened. I know there are a good number who like a independent woman though, so it depends. As for problems, guys like taking care of their girlfriends. If the girl is more dominant then them, they might feel unwanted. But, it really has to deal with the person in the end.

3.I think people are more open. Everyone likes to show the world their love, so I don't think to many hide it. If they do, it might be because they're not happy with the person they are with.

[papillon]

3. Are people generally open about having a casual relationship or are they more secretive?

Depends if the polyamorous people would be willing to share their experiences. I think usually, they don't go to the meet-the-parents level.

Poly and casual are two different things! There's times that they overlap, of course, but there's also situations where they don't overlap at all.

There are people who have casual relationships, either because they don't want a serious relationship or because they haven't found someone they think fits them well enough to BE a serious relationship, and yet still only have one such relationship at a time. A mono type in a no-strings relationship would expect to drop it if a 'real' relationship came along. (I can think of at least one movie with this as a prominent plot thread. Of course, the supposedly-no-strings partner didn't take it well when suddenly set aside in favor of Romance.)

And there are poly people who only date with serious relationships in mind, heading towards a polyfidelitous setup. A "three-way marriage" is not casual.



As for the original question of how secretive it is it really would depend on the people involved. I'm not of a casual mindset myself so I have to extrapolate a little. I don't think you'd generally go around announcing it exactly... if you were meeting friends or seeing your family or whatever, you'd probably just introduce them as your friend, not your-friend-that-you-sometimes-shag. At the same time I don't think you'd deny it if you were asked, and if you were talking to your good friends about your love lives, you'd probably mention it.

But since many girls play otome games, they would most likely want the guy to be the one who initiating the relationship.

How does that make sense? Not every existing otome game has the man in complete charge of the relationship, and if it actually did then it wouldn't prove anything because there'd be nothing to compare it to. If it's the only option available, then choosing it says nothing about what you'd like to choose if you could.

(For that matter, swinging back around to the Voltage games, despite their protagonists being traditionally on the useless side, their game setup also at times requires the otome lead to be the one responsible for choosing her partner, because you as the player have to choose which route you're buying/playing.)

[OokamiKasumi]

I wanted to write about characters having a casual relationship...
1. If I address this, will people have problems with it?

I won't, but then I'm older and have a lot more experience with relationships, casual and otherwise.

1a) I want to portray the girl initiating the relationship first, as I believe women can be as sexually active as men.

In America, females can (and do) initiate Casual Relationships if the female is attracted strongly to his Appearance and nothing else. For example, if he's Pretty, Younger than her by a few years, not very bright, (or even downright stupid,) and only working a low-paying job, an older woman with a good personal income (or one that's married to a wealthy, absentee husband,) will indeed 'hit' on a guy for a casual 'overnight' relationship. If she really likes his 'performance' she'll keep calling him. If he tries to break it off, she'll pay his bills and buy him expensive presents to keep him coming back. In other words, she becomes his sugar-mama and he her call-boy. She won't even care if he has a 'girlfriend' as long as he comes when she calls. Also, when she breaks it off she has the money (that he doesn't) to pay for a good lawyer to 'cover up,' or simply 'pay off' her little indiscretion.

If the female hitting on the guy is college age, you'll find the same 'Older Girl / Younger Guy' scenario simply because older girls feel more 'in control' around younger guys. (Especially if the girl has younger brothers.) However, the cultural norm in America is that in order to be a serious relationship, (one that leads to commitment,) the GUY must ask the Girl out. If the Girl asks the Guy out, it's automatically assumed that the relationship is 'Not Serious' so it's expected that one or the other will eventually break the relationship off.

Don't get me wrong...! Females DO initiate relationships that are NOT Casual, but in the USA it's considered 'bad taste' for a girl to ask a guy out because it implies that the girl can't get a guy to ask them out (because they're not feminine enough to attract a guy.) This doesn't mean it's true! It's a stereotype that came from the 50's, 60's, and 70's. However, it's still hanging around because it's being perpetuated by our parents & grandparents.

However, 'casual' relationships are a completely different story.

2. What are the common problems in having such a relationship?

• Jealousy.
• Secrets -- neither actually knows the other except in bed.
• No dates, meetings are strictly for sex. One or both leave directly afterwards.
• The casual partner is usually a Secret because they're Not Dating, so if they meet somewhere accidentally they must pretend they don't know each other.
• One or Both usually have a Lover or Spouse that the other doesn't know about.
• A casual partner is NEVER introduced to Family or Friends -- ever. (Only actual 'serious' dates are introduced to family and friends.)

2b) How is a casual relationship different from a "committed" relationship?

Refer to list above. Plus...

If one of them actually falls in love the relationship is OVER immediately because Casual = Sex, nothing else.

It's a relationship built on LIES.
-- To have such a relationship they must lie to the people around them, (about what they are doing and who they are doing it with,) and to each other. Often, one of them will fabricate their job, their name, and whether or not their married just to insure that their casual partner won't be able to find them once they break it off. However, the most common lie between 'casual' partners is that they love their casual partner, when in fact they don't -- at all. They just love the sex and the excitement of sneaking around. It's fairly easy to tell too because those declarations of love are 'playful' and uttered with smiles. (When one is actually serious in their declaration of love, one weeps from the strength of the emotions.)

3. Are people generally open about having a casual relationship or are they more secretive?

Secretive -- Always.
-- One cannot make a clean-fast break when one's friends and family are involved.

How do I know?
-- Cold, hard experience.

Additional References:
Is it really just casual sex? Your reality check list
10 Casual Relationship Rules to Keep It Just Casual

[noeinan]

he's Pretty, Younger than her by a few years, not very bright, (or even downright stupid,) and only working a low-paying job, an older woman with a good personal income (or one that's married to a wealthy, absentee husband,) will indeed 'hit' on a guy for a casual 'overnight' relationship. If the female hitting on the guy is college age, you'll find the same 'Older Girl / Younger Guy' scenario simply because older girls feel more 'in control' around younger guys. (Especially if the girl has younger brothers.) However, the cultural norm in America is that in order to be a serious relationship, (one that leads to commitment,) the GUY must ask the Girl out. If the Girl asks the Guy out, it's automatically assumed that the relationship is 'Not Serious' so it's expected that one or the other will eventually break the relationship off.

Don't get me wrong...! Females DO initiate relationships that are NOT Casual, but in the USA it's considered 'bad taste' for a girl to ask a guy out because it implies that the girl can't get a guy to ask them out (because they're not feminine enough to attract a guy.) This doesn't mean it's true! It's a stereotype that came from the 50's, 60's, and 70's. However, it's still hanging around because it's being perpetuated by our parents & grandparents.

However, 'casual' relationships are a completely different story.

• Jealousy.
• Secrets -- neither actually knows the other except in bed.
• No dates, meetings are strictly for sex. One or both leave directly afterwards.
• The casual partner is usually a Secret because they're Not Dating, so if they meet somewhere accidentally they must pretend they don't know each other.
• One or Both usually have a Lover or Spouse that the other doesn't know about.
• A casual partner is NEVER introduced to Family or Friends -- ever. (Only actual 'serious' dates are introduced to family and friends.)

It's a relationship built on LIES.

While that may be the case in many parts of America, I can guarantee that's not the case everywhere! I live in an extremely liberal area where polyamory is common and practiced openly. Casual sex is the same way. Your explanation of the older woman/younger man scenario seems like something that would happen in more traditional areas for sure-- especially the cheating and secrecy.

In my area, however, many people identify themselves as "friend f*ckers" or just don't use a label. They have friends, things are casual, and sometimes they have sex with those friends. Or plan orgies. (Yes, really. These are usually planned among younger people, and are limited to people they know and trust, but there is at least one older couple who operates orgies out of their household where anyone and everyone is allowed to join provided they contact ahead of time and bring food.)

There are a good share of casual (or poly) relationships that go sour, but there are just as many that are managed non-flamably for years. Or, at least until someone moves away on good terms. Now to answer the original questions...

1. Some people will always have a problem with anything, but I don't think it would be a huge deal. Also, the woman initiating isn't uncommon at all from my experience, casual or otherwise. (Actually, more often the woman initiates around here because the double standard makes it less creepy for a woman to approach a guy for casual sex than the other way around.)

2. I'd say casual sex relationships go two ways.

a) Those people are friends/acquaintances. In this case, they hang out outside of sex and have a good time. Sometimes this develops into a committed relationship. Sometimes one or the other person falls in love with someone else, and the two stop sleeping together. The one left behind will sometimes form a casual sex thing with someone else. (Also, sometimes they aren't exclusive with the casual sex thing-- they don't identify as polyamorous but have sex with multiple people during the same timeline because why not.) Sex may happen on the fly because one or the other were horny, or they may plan to have sex ahead of time because they wanted to try out a new toy/experiment with a new type of sex/whatever.

b) The folks involved are pretty much strangers. They meet at a party/bar/social event and have sex. They may not even know one anothers names. They have no contact until they happen to meet at another party/bar/social event and then have sex again. They may get to know each other a bit more after this, but their relationship completely revolves around the casual sex and they don't really meet outside of that. Just a "by chance you were there" thing.


3. In my area, people are pretty open about it. I'm sure this depends on the people, though. It's pretty common so it's not like everyone shouts it into they sky, but if you look you'll see it happening.

[OokamiKasumi]

...While that may be the case in many parts of America, I can guarantee that's not the case everywhere! I live in an extremely liberal area where polyamory is common and practiced openly. Casual sex is the same way...

You are so lucky, and I am so jealous! Washington state sounds awesome.
-- You're right in that I am currently in a conservative state, but I also lived in Florida and New York which are not conservative at all. I've actually attended 'swingers' parties and still attend fetish events, but they are all very private and invitation only.

[papillon]

Seattle/Portland area is practically the poly hub of the US. At least that's the reputation.

(Yes, I have friends who live there. Yes, they are.)

[noeinan]

Haha, yup, it's a pretty chill area. I'm in Olympia myself, and we consider Portland our "sister city."

Of course, it has its own problems. "Kill your boyfriend/Hang the judges" graffiti, or "Kill the breeders before they kill you" posters... But I won't go too in detail because I don't want to derail the thread. ^^;

[Shoko]

Speaking from experience about casual relationships, the best way they can go is when both people are completely honest about what they want and what they're doing from the beginning. It's when one person harbors expectations/feelings the other may not return that misunderstanding and drama occurs.

[OokamiKasumi]

S...the best way they can go is when both people are completely honest about what they want and what they're doing from the beginning.

Definitely.

It's when one person harbors expectations/feelings the other may not return that misunderstanding and drama occurs.

Or worse, LIES about accepting that it's casual when they fully intend to force or blackmail the other party into a permanent relationship. "Oops, I'm pregnant!"

[imnotsmart]

Okay, as someone who has BEEN in a casual relationship, I can guarantee that a lot of the things said here were formed completely based on speculation and what they've heard of others relationships.
Casual Relationships are not "based on lies", not "all about sex", and not every woman that initiates becomes a sugar mama and tries to manipulate her partner!

A lot of times, casual relationships occur when two people who are physically attracted to each other want to connect physically, but don't wish to complicate things with labels, or don't want to be tied down, or don't want to enter a relationship, and many times, just don't want to ruin their friendship with that person. People do it for different reasons, but it really is as simple as two people who find each other attractive deciding to form a loosely related, physical bond.

Now, to answer the questions.

1. People these days have problems with anything, but I doubt anyone would take severe personal insult to you writing about this, lol XDD
And as for the girl initiating the relationship, in modern times it's completely believable, and only the most die hard, old fashioned purists will find it unbelievable or farfetched. Don't worry about it :3

2. Common problems faced in a casual relationship, from my experience? There is a little jealousy that goes on, though it comes more from a physical desire than an emotional one. You grow used to your partner when they're with you, and feel a bit embarrassed that someone else might know the same things about their body that you do. You also might have differing policies with your partner on how you want to introduce the subject of your relationship to your friends - in my case, I was rather open about what was going on between us, but he was more shy about the whole thing and preferred me not to tell people. Another common problem is setting boundaries, as well, since different people have different things they like sexually and you may not be okay with the same things. Then, one of the more prevalent problems is whether or not you will have relations every time you meet. Because, though some people in this thread have said differently, casual relationships do involve a certain amount of companionship and friendship - and there may be slight conflicts when you want to just hang out when they want sex, or the other way around.
A casual relationship is different than a committed one in many ways - most notably, the lack of labels. When you're in a casual relationship, you're not really allowed to judge your partner based on who they talk to or who they hang out with when they're not with you like a girlfriend or boyfriend would, and sex or sexual acts are less of a romantic ordeal than a physical one. To explain it simply - in a committed relationship, two people become one couple. In a casual relationship, two people stay two people, but occasionally "become one".

3. As said before, this depends on the person. If their personality is naturally outgoing, they will probably be completely open about their relationship with whomever should ask. If they are more shy, they won't tell. And contrary to popular belief, not all people that partake in casual relationships are bawdy or "open" with their sexualities! It doesn't take a certain kind of person to have a casual relationship, anyone can - all it takes is that initial attraction, and the consent of both parties.

[noeinan]

Although these comics have more to do with polyamory than casual relationships (though, sometimes both), they might give you some insight while you're writing.

http://leftoversoup.com/

http://kimchicuddles.com/