Say You Love Me (Mundane Fantasy)

[Mink]

One day, after deciding to go on a short walk, a young man meets a odd teenage girl standing in the middle of a road. Upon speaking to her (she was right there, wouldn't it be rude NOT to greet her?) and starting a conversation with her, a number events occur that may lead to his life spiraling out of control. He may just wished he'd have stayed in bed that day.

Story Containing Spoilers:

Van Moore recently moved to Ecks City. One day, out of boredom, he decides to take a walk outside of it. On his way home he meets a odd girl who turns out to be a faerie under a curse (caused by her sister Wednesday) that says she must find a human husband in about a week's time or she dies. Who else but Van, who's apparently a weirdness magnet, would end up as her husband? Now, all he needs to do is find a way to end October's curse. Unfortunately, the only known solutions are that Wednesday must willingly end it (fat chance) or someone must die.

Van(ce): Moore

The protagonist and apparently some sort of weirdness magnet. He's generally an agreeable and helpful person, but has a tendency to be cynical or a deadpan snarker.

October:

The weird girl who Van encountered while walking home. Despite her politeness and over all demeanor, she avoids questions about herself and acts like she's hiding something.

Wednesday:

The main antagonist and a generally ill-tempered and acerbic person, with a mean streak a mile wide.



Writing/Programming: Mink
Sprites/CGs: Jadeookami
Music: Time will tell

Test Demo:
*It's currently missing music.
*They'll be a custom text box at some point. Hopefully.
*Van's side sprite will be there eventually.

SYLM Test Demo!

Any feedback is useful, but what I'm really wondering about is how October comes off. I wanted her to be sort of vaguely creepy (like, "There's something weird about this person but I'm not sure what." sort of creepy), but I'm not sure if she comes across that way.

[VagueZ]

Played demo, it amused me. October didn't come across like you wanted for me, though. Every element of weirdness was explained too quickly and too clearly.

Why did she demand an admission of love? Oh, to survive a curse. Why is she cursed? Jealous sister. Am I stuck with her? No, there's an easy out. She tried to trick me? Nope, now she's apparently telling the truth.

I think it'd be pretty easy to get what you want by rearranging the order of things a bit.

Beyond the obvious possibility of "don't explain things right off", which I'm guessing you're trying to avoid, just rearranging things so she seems to emphasize the stranger parts could make her seem more off without going silly or out of place. I'm having trouble isolating a really good example, but the curse being mentioned before dying is probably an okay one. Why did she need to get married? Because of a curse. What will the curse do? Kill her. If we mess with the order there, there's not that chain of logic. Why does she need to get married? Because she'll die. Then we have a moment where there's no clear logic from A to B.

I hope that doesn't come across as too critical. It's not meant to be. If I hadn't been impressed by what I saw, I wouldn't be writing up something this involved to comment on it, so it's really meant to be positive.

[Mink]

Oh don't worry, that's pretty helpful. I don't mind critical, because personally I think it's good for improvement.

As a note,

October telling the truth is really more her trying to (emotionally) manipulate Van by playing the odds he wouldn't just let her die.

^That's meant to be brought up later, though, along with other aspects of her character.

And I kind of felt the pacing was off, so thank you for that.

[Avaible]

I have to second that October didn't come off as creepy the way you wanted. In fact, I thought she's rather friendly, and I think that is probably because Van doesn't contrast her behavious at all. Sure, it's fun to have a cynical deadpan snarker + manipulative fairy combo but the problem here is that both are too weird from a more ordinary point of view and thus act on a similiar wavelength making the player just accept their personalities as normal in the given setting.
The creepy, or at least, weirdness effect intented with October would come better across if there was another actor to play the sane man. Could be Van himself, but at least in the bit of the Demo he just doesn't cut it because he doesn't question her enough (not necessarily meant literally).

I'm still looking forward to the finished version, if this project is still being worked on, since even if maybe not weird it's going to be amusing I think.

[Mink]

Oh, thanks for that. I think part of the issue (as I said in an earlier post) is the pacing; it's kind of fast, I don't think it really shows much of either of their personalities. I'll probably try to add more dialogue/scenes to that part, to see if it'll help. Also, I could try to rewrite Van in a way that he does contrast her more (which I think he does later in the game, but it should be reflected early in).

Or I could go for a wacky hijinks kind of story. That'd suit the plot just as well. >x>

And it's totally still being worked on. I was just debating whether or not I should show a CG, which doesn't really spoil anything, but probably makes more sense in context.

I was also, in all honesty, considering rewriting it since I originally started it...last August? Something like that. Styles and things change/improve, so I don't want there to be a jarring shift in the in new VS older writing.

[Mink]

SWEET BABY JESUS, AN UPDATE.

Annnd...yeah. I'm going to rewrite the story. Because A) it'll help to make October come off the way I want to, and B) to fix the pacing and such.

On that note, Jadeookami is kind enough to redo the sprites, since her art has improve. I present New!Van:

[saguaro]

Verrrry nice.

[WickedRaccoon]

i really like the whole marry-in-a-week-to-break-curse-from-evil-sister concept!i'll be stalking this thread from now own.also love the new artwork