Lemma Soft Forums

Fair enough. You are writing a slice of life story, I love slice of life. However, I think you are trying to hide to much. This has very little to do with actually making your game, but more to do with marketing it. Because hey, if you are putting in the work you might as well try to get as many people to enjoy it as possible.

Try looking at some mystery books and movies and see how they create their synopsis. Being mystery they can't give away the plot points, but they have to spin it in a way to both intrigue and inform the viewer. Right now I am not getting much information and there really isn't a hook for the story part of the game. There isn't anything that a) differentiates your project from others b) tells me what I'll be doing and c) why that will be interesting. Sure some people will be attracted to the game because of the girls and the art, but I'm sure you would also like people to come in for the ride because of the story. You don't want people who play for story to dismiss your game because they think it is another one of 'those' if that isn't what you are going for.

For instance, let me take this:



This is the finishing line of your description, it should be the final equation for the hook, the thing that makes me want to know more. But it isn't telling me very much. I've got an average guy who's in highschool and there is something to do with his baggage and someone else's. Not much else. A fair chunck of your audience would have been through highschool by now, myself included. We have long since come to the conclusion that some people have scars and sometimes stuff happens in the past that you would rather not. It is very familar territory. (It's also this ine that made me think Memo with the 'lost in the past' line)

So what can you do?
Tell us why we should care.

All types of stories are trying to get from point a to point b. In the case of VNs it's getting from point a to point b, c, d, e or f. For someone to get from point a to point b there has to be a purpose, something driving the story. In slice of life stories, it's the purpose of the protagonist. This may be an internal purpose or it may be their reaction to external forces. Either way, in a game, this is also the players purpose.

So instead of vaguely describing the game, focus on the main character. What is his goals? What is he doing with his life? How does he react to things around him? How does he feel about this thing he has lost? How does he feel about the past in general? What is going to be moving him forward throughout the story? This way, not only can you make the story seem more interesting by giving it context, you also make the main character seem more interesting. You are giving us a reason as to why we should care what he is doing, why we should relate to him as well as telling us how he fits into the story. It's all about the pitch and the hooks.

_________________
The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

I think Auro-Cyanide makes a very valid point and I in no way am trying to target or pick on you but the art and premises of the story does show potential and I feel that Auro is just trying to help you reach that potential.
I had actually read over the synopsis and in my own opinion it's a little to vague for me to make that quick connection with the characters. I decided to read the synopsis to another person and they felt the same way I did. I'm not saying everyone is like this but I just wanted to give some feedback as part of the potential audience for the game.


I believe I might have a small understanding what you are trying to do by giving him that mysterious air that would try to spark peoples curiosity to learn more about them but for me personally when I read this the thought that came to my mind was "If he is just an average person why would I take a closer look at him?" For instance in school there are a lot of kids that look normal but it's usually those that do a certain action or say a certain thing or wear certain clothes that catch your attention and maybe to help Yusuke to stand out more you could try to reveal a little more about him that would spark others interest some more. Like what are some of the things that cause him to say cynical things? Or what are some of the things he likes and dislikes and why? This could help us connect more with him because for me if I see a description of a certain character and it says that they love making up there bed nice and neat then when they are done they jump on it messing it all up again because it's fun and makes them laugh, then for me I could connect to that because my sister use to do this. She would stand there after making up her bed then pounce on it like a crazy cat and just lay there. So maybe if you give a little more information about the character to make them seem a little more relatable, then this might help spark your viewers interest more to where they would want to play the game because this character is a little like them and they possibly start to get a little more curious on why they are the way that they are.

I in know way am trying be disrespectful but I see that you are putting a lot of hard work into this and I as a viewer just want to offer my opinion so you can get a better understanding of what your audience sees when they look at your work.

I have to do the same thing with my comic. I forget that the readers don't know certain things that I know about the comic so even though I feel like I might be spoiling the plot by revealing certain things to early it's actually helping my audience to become more interested in the story and makes it a lot easier for them to follow and understand but again this is my opinion and I really think you are doing a very good job at working so hard on this so I really hope this doesn't offend you in anyway. I only mean to help but I kind of feel like I've repeated myself a lot ^^;

_________________
Development Blog
Personal Manga
A Troll's Fairy Tale *Finished Project*
Curse of the Caribbean *Current Project*

Hmm.. I actually don't have a problem with what little has been said of the plot so far.
It seems to me that this is a character game that doesn't rely heavily on an over-arching plot.
So long as the characters are fleshed out in their own individual stories, I think it's just fine that the plot doesn't have a hook or something that differentiates it from other high school life games.
After all, high school setting game are popular because people love to play them, and those people are going to keep coming back to this sort of game because there is something about it they find appealing [I'm included in that audience, even though I've been out of high school almost a year].
I'll admit that this game isn't unlike others I've seen before, but since I enjoy this type of game, I feel that I will enjoy this one too.
And to me, when I have the sort of questions like, "Why should I play this game?", that's what I look for in a demo. I don't expect to see a lot from plot summary.

_________________
Complete: (P)lanets - The Life of Normalcy has Ended!
My blogs were hacked. I'm currently trying to get them restored. Don't worry, I'm still alive -barely-

I have to be honest: I adore art by Deji. I think the fact that Deji was the artist make this an automatic buy for me. The story looks interesting and I hope this is out soon

Sorry for the delay guys! Slave driver work has been keeping me away from these threads!

@yukipon
(1) I’ve played quite a lot of them; I can’t really put a number on it. My favorite company aside Key is definitely Type-Moon, I basically worship them and the way they create their whole personalized universe inside a game.
(2) Hmm, It's Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow! ok now seriously, It's hard to categorize it like that, because I want the game to be the most fresh and original as possible. I definitely think the game has some Key vibes, but in the end it's also different

Thanks for the feedback!

@Auro-Cyanide

I see where you are getting at. I didn't intentionally tried to hide anything, I was just thinking that from the player point stand of view, it would be interesting to find out about Yusuke past in the game, even if you discover most of it early on. But you are right; as it stands if I read the synopsis there isn’t that much going on, however how @teacup already mentioned the game doesn’t rely that much on an overarching plot.

I tried to make one that would not unveil everything but pretty much sums up some of the points that were on the dark:

----
Hope's story revolves around Aikawa Yusuke, a second year high school student at Shikaido High.
Until three years ago he never thought about leaving the place where he grow up and a house he had so far called home. Even if sometimes co-existing with is control maniac father wasn’t an easy task it was nothing that he could not bare. However one fatidic day everything changed, an event that would happen that would affect everyone’s lives at the Aikawa residence.

A dying wish. A promise made. A light that would fade out. A dream that would never come through.

That lake where once two close siblings shared their hopes and dreams would be the point where a page of Yusuke life would be torn apart. That tiny creature he held tightly on his back, was thanking him just a moment ago… but now she just remained motionless without making as much as a sound … he could not even feel the warmth of her breath on his neck anymore. The only thing he could feel was his own tear running down his face, those tears that could not wash away the guilt that weighted on his chest.

“Goodbye Karen…”

One year ago, Yusuke entered High School entering Shikaido High leaving behind his town and family behind looking to start anew. He moved to a small apartment where he currently resides and that he currently pays by juggling part time jobs. Yusuke personality could be described as a laid back type of person, with a witty sense of humor, cynical and sarcastic at times.
A new journey will begin for him signaled by the start of a new school year. Crossing paths with other unique individuals, he will get into a crossroad and face hard decisions that might change not only his own future but of those whose life he will touch.

Will Yusuke be able to keep the promise he made to his sister three years ago, regaining something he lost in his past?

----

I'll eventually change some of the phrasing and still not entirely happy with the structure, but the main idea is there.
Again, thanks for having the time to comment and share your opinion^^



@ Morishita
Not at all, I take all critique with an open mind, and your opinion is more than welcome, thanks!
There is always space to improve; sometimes even the smallest commentary that you are able to filter in a wall of text can help you greatly improve on some chapter.
I don’t entirely agree with what you said about the protagonist empathy though. As a player that concept that you need to have something in common with the protagonist to like him is not that transparent in my honest opinion. I just need to find the character interesting, and having the same hobbies or habits for example, doesn't necessarily always make a character interesting, at least not alone.
Having some common points will undoubtly help me establish a even bigger link with the character, but those you can also find them along the game, the scene you described about the bed making, well I would prefer for example to discover that ingame, instead of reading it beforehand^^

But I understand the point you and Auro-Cyanide were making from the sinopsis/MC description being a little vague, It's very valid and I've tried to mix it up a bit.


@teacup
So long as the characters are fleshed out in their own individual stories, I think it's just fine that the plot doesn't have a hook

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement, specially for a slice of life game.
Even if Hope~ definitely has a hook, in the end it's all about his characters and personal stories.
Thanks for the input!^^

@applegirl
Thanks! the sketches don't even make her justice though, I think the final art is looking really awesome^^

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

I'm glad that you didn't take any offense from what I said and that's fine if you don't agree with everything The examples that I gave weren't meant for you to use in your game I guess I didn't do a very good job at giving an example of showing a character's personality but that's okay ^^. We all have our own opinions and this is your game, I don't want to tell you what you should put in your game or leave out. Your the one doing the work and I in know way meant for my feedback to come off like that if it did ^^; I'll keep an eye out for more updates! Doing a visual novel isn't an easy thing so keep at it

_________________
Development Blog
Personal Manga
A Troll's Fairy Tale *Finished Project*
Curse of the Caribbean *Current Project*

@Morishita

Thanks for the support Morishita!
Even the few points we don't entirely agree they are very good to have in perspective and take in account. Sometimes it's hard to have a clear outside vision as a player and criticize or own work, and feedback is always good to have, specially how other players/developers see about a different subject. Don't worry, I understood the points you were making! In the end even I felt the synopsis wasn't quite there yet.

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

MUCH better Good job. I do understand that you feel protective of your plot points since it's very common amongst developers so I think you did a good job of providing something a bit more solid for people to get a hold of. His past will probably be brought up quite quickly in the story I gather which is why it's okay to reveal it. The REAL mystery is the promise he has made and what is going to happen with it, which is why it's good to keep it under wraps. It's a good balance.

The funny thing is that wasn't the only bit that felt better to me. What really caught my attention was this part:


I don't know about other people but this is something I can definitley relate to. I've had to leave my home before and in a way it never stops being home. Suddenly the main character went from being flat and two dimensional into an actual person I could connect with. That is exactly what I was talking about.

So count me interested. I think your project has potential so I look forward to it's progress. Plus, I love romantic slice of life so I would like to see it be successful

_________________
The other 1/2 of Cyanide Tea l My Deviantart Account I My Tumber Account I Break Chance Memento I Ristorante Amore

@Auro-Cyanide

Glad you liked it!
It went over several modifications until I was finally happy with the final result, I actually had to resist the temptation of putting more of the actual dialog between brother and sister after I started writing it^^;

Thanks for the feedback! It greatly helps the motivation to keep improving!

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

WIP screenshot, the first ingame image!
Still some stuff missing in the interface and the GUI is in constant remodeling. This image does not represent the final product, it's just a WIP!

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

Ah, this is exciting! I'm glad to finally see how things look in game - the textbox looks really nice and sleek. I especially like the way the buttons look, so even if you say it's a WIP - nice work! Eri's expression is very funny; I can already tell that the humor in this game is just to my taste.
I could have easily mistaken that screenshot for a commercial Japanese VN, that is the greatest compliment I can give. XD

_________________
Complete: (P)lanets - The Life of Normalcy has Ended!
My blogs were hacked. I'm currently trying to get them restored. Don't worry, I'm still alive -barely-

@teacup
Thanks for the awesome feedback and words of encouragement!!

I was still having doubts if I should add a quick save/load button also. I never use them but I suppose there are people who like them :\
Humor is Hope~ middle name! XD

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

Seriously? The art is so good! Can't wait for it ❤

Thanks!


I want to know the general opinion of the character name text. I've been having mixed feedback about it, is the font good? The colour is too "light"? Correct size or should increase it a lil bit?

Feedback greatly appreciated!

_________________
Hope~ Symphony of Tomorrow
http://tatamivisual.com/
http://www.facebook.com/tatamivisualarts

This is just my opinion but if I was playing the game and had to look at the bright bold lettering for so long my head word start to hurt, maybe you try finding a different font that doesn't look so strong but that's just my opinion others might be totally fine with it so it isn't really a big issue. Also the background is lovely may I ask who is your background artist? I would love to know if they have any tutorial's that they made for tips on doing backgrounds or if they have a website. I love studying backgrounds so I can improve on my own technique. If you don't want to say that's fine I was just a little curious.

_________________
Development Blog
Personal Manga
A Troll's Fairy Tale *Finished Project*
Curse of the Caribbean *Current Project*