Lemma Soft Forums

So I decided to move this here to get more feedback!
Im more like copypasting the format that everybody is using sorry!

Plot

The story is about a girl named Lois who realizes how solitary could be her life at her 17 years old.
Her foster mother, Rebecca is always busy working out of town so Lois had to learn how to take care of herself thourgh years.
One day, after another unsuccessful encounter with Rebecca, Lois started to hear screams and seen things that are out of normal.
She thinks that being alone all that time has started to make effect on her brain...But all her fears will grow bigger when one of the
walls of her house starts to speak to her, adressing itself as "Canaan".


Characters:


Lois(Main Character)
Age:17
Adopted by the age of 8, Lois is a lone and somehow, independent child.
Supposed to live with her foster mother Rebecca, which is always out of town working.
With this workaholic mom..Lois managed to repress lonelyness when she reads books.Specially the ones who are sci fi.
Has two best friends(In fact they are her only friends), Elsa and Amy...She spents most of her school life with them.
Lois look is kind of tomboyish...She is mistaken many times for a boy(she is very flat also)
Has no interest on boys and love stories makes her anxious


Canaan
Age:???
The speaking wall.
There s much hate on his words and tries always to harm Lois in some way
He seems to be trapped on the wall..Not behind of it or inside--actually he says he got no body
His own memories seems to be so confusing for him that its always pissed off
Since there s no one else to blame..He decided that he would start hating Lois.


Rebecca
Age:42
Lois stepmother.
She is a quiet, tranquil woman who is very passionate when comes to be at work, talk about work and yes..A workaholic mom.
Cooks horrible stuff and many people could say that he is also a horrible mom...To tell the truth she has done her best to rise Lois as a fine girl..On her standarts.
Has a sister named Noel.


Elsa
Age:17
Lois and Amy s best friend.
Cheerfull and positive kid.Enjoys watching music chanels on tv.
She got some weird tastes and likes to overreact from small things just to annoy everybody else.
Cares a lot for her friends, so she is always calling them by phone.


Amy
Age:16
Lois and Elsa s best friend.
Quiet and sentimental.Amy likes to do girly stuff like sewing and making sweets.
She tends to misunderstand things a lot and gets angry very quickly.
She lives near Elsa s house but very far from Lois...So she barely visits her


Screencaps:





Demo:
Grab it here!
Updated demo(02/07/12)
Here

Status:
Chapter 1 to 3 done(Pending to be checked by Mink)
Chapter 4 already written..Im doing the cg right now
Chapter 5 written 5% of it
Chapter 6 0% done

Team:
Clua:Im writting the story, programming(a lame prog though) and doing the art also!...Im taking the music from Freesound project so far, Yume Nikki(lol kill me with fire) and Midori(might change it but I love Midori)
Mink:Is helping me to correct my horrible english!Thanks to her I think the VN will be more understandable!

:Questions!:
(Feel free to answer this if you like!)
+Did you liked the demo so far?
+Which parts did you feel it needed more work? Feedback please ;_;!
+Your favorite character maybe XD?
+Any theories of what might be happening?(I would love to hear this ones!)

Personal thoughts
Hey guys I was kind of worried since the other thread got a lot of views but so little feedback...So Im changing here to see if I can get more opinions..I have done VN s before but Im new to this so I dont know If Im doing something wrong orz

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

ywah this sounds pretty awesome...
A wall hating a girl for not knowing what happened to him...

This is amazing, as it happens a lot in real life (well not the point that you are a wall) but a lot of people blame each other for something they cant explain.

Alone nthe story got mee and I hope I can play the full version soon.

+Did you liked the demo so far?
Havent played it yet but will do!
+Which parts did you feel it needed more work? Feedback please ;_;!
None really. Art is good it gives a personal touch to the...weird glasses girl for example xD
+Your favorite character maybe XD?
The Wall! xD
+Any theories of what might be happening?(I would love to hear this ones!)
Well I got a few ideas for the reason he IS the wall...and how their relationship could turn out xD

_________________
Own project:

haha thank you for replying! Im very glad you liked the plot so far
All I can say this kind of turns a little bit agressive when events come on chapter 05
Its like a rain of information that will overwhelm a little the MC
I like to put in a plate at some point of my stories this "sence of right" of my characters...What is correct for everyone but "realistically" what is correct for them? lol

Canaan has a fan! Maybe he will get anti fans also with that foul mouth of him lol
I would like to hear your theories about why he is a wall...I bet they are not so distant of what I alrady wrote(:_; I think Its kind of obvios this is Lois x Canaan since theres any boy appart from him..orz)
speaking of...Im working on his sprite...I want to show you all how it looks(Or I did alredy? hehe)
But Im afraid if you see him maybe it will be a turn down to keep reading the VN...orz

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

Well....its a weird thing to put him i9nto a wall..
But my first thought was either that he died and (I have no idea how or why) had a deep connection with the wall...maybe he died while his blood was all over the wall...well a lil...FAR but that was so kinda my first thought xD

Or maybe some kind of curse. Again, I have no idea who would curse him or why...:/

Naaahhh I like such characters, he is a typical tsundere, I love them! xD

Show me Canaan *___*

_________________
Own project:

Ah...I cant show him yet!
But I think I can tease some images hehe

some event cg...who are this people D:...And what is he looking at?

trash bgs..I like how it turned..I looks so plain so surreal lol

the thought he is dead also passed by the head of Lois also!
He seemed to be an angry spirit or something..A curse would be totally fitting also XD
hehe I guess he its a little tsundere

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

Just finished playing the demo!
There were a lot spelling/grammatical errors, but the story was really interesting. And the art is gorgeous! Elsa was my favorite character.
The scream freaked me out when it played, haha xD

Thank you so much ;_;!!...I know my english is crap...even I write spanish awfully..orz
Elsa is my favorite too hehe..I took some inspiration of a real friend of mine..Her personality is like that..She doesnt seems to get mad with anything lol

The scream! I dont know if I should take that out or just lower the volume
(I think I saw the code of how to lower jt)

aa I have a lot of newer artwork but I dont want to show it yet..Right now the prog of chapter 5 is giving me a massive headache..welp gotta keep trying

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

I thought there might be Spanish or French involved when in the beginning it said something like 'I have 17 years old'.

And you should definitely keep the scream! It was startling, but it was really good at setting a creepy mood.

Heeeeh thats Canaan isnt it? <3
I like him xD

Well I am curious why he is stuck in the wall xD

_________________
Own project:

This looks really interesting, although I haven't gotten round to playing the demo. From the other comments and this thread though, I recommend getting someone to edit the game before you release it properly. I'd hate for errors to detract from the intriguing storyline.

_________________
Freezing [NaNoRenO 2012]
Free Sprite Initiative

hehe..Thats not Canaan but he appears there also:

The one clothed on red



Oh!..Maybe thats whats its turning down so many people...Mink already sent me the first 3 chapters corrected..And for the next relese I will add chapter 4 checked also! So it will be more understandable


Hey guys I think if Im successful with The hurtful wall I might work on another visual but maybe I think I will do it comercial...What do you guys expect of a paid VN?

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

Mhhhh?
Who is the one in purple then?
Isnt that Canaan? He also has the marks on his neck o_o

_________________
Own project:

Yes, grammer and spelling errors can really distract a person while playing a game. While I don't think anyone will blame you or hold it against you, since you're not a first language English speaker, they will however expect you to get someone to edit it. Frankly I've seen plenty of people willing to edit games on this site, so there's no excuse for even first language English speakers to not have their game checked. It's great that you've found someone to go over yours though. ^__^

_________________
Freezing [NaNoRenO 2012]
Free Sprite Initiative

hehe I cant say!



Yes! I agree with you that Its not an excuse...The only VN I managed to finish was proofreaded by a friend...It had so many errors..orz

Hey guys I will give a try to NaNoRenO...But I will not abandon this!

_________________
My WIP project:The hurtful wall
:Other VNs:
+The Knife of the Traitor(Nanoreno 2012)
+Eyes of Wilderness
++Currently colaborating with other folks as an artist.

sadfrog developer blog

awwww okay good luck on that!
Fighting! <3

_________________
Own project: