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Kirroha's Writing Dump [Requests Closed]

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Kirroha

Post subject: Kirroha's Writing Dump [Requests Closed]

Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:16 am

Mindscrew Driver

Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 9:24 am
Posts: 1110
Completed: Ribbon of Green, RE: Prince of Nigeria, Doppelganger
Projects: Crimson Rafflesia, Astral Transparency: Cole's Gate, Crescendo of Time, Six Rules
Organization: Soyasushi Productions

I think I'd like to hear some suggestions on my writing and ways to improve, so I decided to open up a thread.

Here's an example of my writing which is a bit too long to be put here, but here's a snippet of it:

Quote:

"This… is a lie, right? This is a dream. I'll wake up. I'll wake up. I'll wake up and everything will be fine."

It had only been a few days, and yet everything had turned upside-down. Reiji now knew why his family had needed to hide.

Flames were licking the grand house all the way to the skies, and yet he could do nothing but watch, horrified, frozen, as death cries echoed from the place he used to call home. He could not move. If he moved, he would be caught and killed too, just like the rest of his family – by the ruthless, heartless Tachibana clan.

He realized that way too late.

Footsteps approached his hiding place – footsteps of a young child. He looked up, and saw her. There, three metres away from where he hid, she watched him with a gaze of mock wistfulness. He felt a dark chill emanate from those dark orbs. The chill froze his entire body. Right now, the only thought clawing at his mind was that he was going to die. She betrayed his entire family, and now she's going to betray him too…

She smiled. An angelic smile.

Which in such a situation, would be the smile of a demon. It made his blood run cold as the fact finally registered in his mind.

From the moment she stepped into the forest, she had planned for my doom.

Yet, he had fallen so cleanly into that trap.

"Why?" he croaked. Perhaps at this moment, he still had a small shimmer of hope that the Yuki that was his friend did indeed exist, somewhere hidden within the body of the demon that stood before him.

Yet, her cold face told him otherwise. As he searched the eyes of the girl whom he once called a friend, he found nothing but emptiness. A Tachibana man, presumably her father, approached her from behind and put his hands on her shoulders. He leered at the cowering boy while the girl's gaze continued to linger on him, emotionless and cold, just like the snow…

He had no friend named Yuki. Everything was a cruel, cruel lie.

I think I just feel like trying out some stuff, so it'll be nice if someone can post a prompt or an image and I'll see if I can cook something up from it.

_________________

Yours truly is also known as Coren Baili (百里栝人). You like me, then I like me too.

~~Asking about my gender is off-limits~~

Last edited by Kirroha on Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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wakagana

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:19 am

Veteran

Joined: Mon May 14, 2012 1:27 am
Posts: 350
Projects: Driftwood
Organization: MV Swag Squad

I liked it :t

... Not sure what to say as improvement though. Hrm... -ponders and taps chin-

Needs more Pizza rolls.

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You gotta be kitten' me, Stop it right meow, I aint even lion.

Projects: Driftwood

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Victoria Jennings

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:22 am

Miko-Class Veteran

Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 9:40 am
Posts: 681
Location: Bellevue, WA
Projects: collective

And toothpaste, right?

It was pretty interesting, although it contained quite a bit of telling language. 0:

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thread • dA • blog

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Kirroha

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:12 pm

Mindscrew Driver

Yeah, I still need to ingrain it within me that I'll need to do the "showing" more. XD

_________________

Yours truly is also known as Coren Baili (百里栝人). You like me, then I like me too.

~~Asking about my gender is off-limits~~

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azureXtwilight

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:56 pm

Megane Procrastinator

Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:54 am
Posts: 3544
Location: Yogyakarta, Indonesia.
Completed: Fantasia series (ROT and ROTA), Doppleganger: Dawn of The Inverted Soul
Projects: Re:Set Zero, Morpheandir Tales, The Alliance
Organization: Memento-Mori VNs, Team Sleepyhead

"Two little kids, running straight into a cliff"

Can improvise based on dat? >D

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JESUS CHRIST, GOOGLING HOW TO UNRAR STUFF IS EASIER THAN WAITING FOR 1000 DAYS FOR A REPLY. SRSLY.

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Kirroha

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 11:57 pm

Mindscrew Driver

azureXtwilight wrote:

"Two little kids, running straight into a cliff"

Can improvise based on dat? >D

Yes.

Quote:

Tom and Mary walked into a bar.

Ouch.

_________________

Yours truly is also known as Coren Baili (百里栝人). You like me, then I like me too.

~~Asking about my gender is off-limits~~

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TsukiShima

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 1:30 pm

Miko-Class Veteran

Joined: Fri Aug 05, 2011 4:47 am
Posts: 625
Location: Malaysia

Ah, another long lost request thread :'D I wonder if it still active.
If so, may I request? I adore your emotional style of writing.

Attachment:

dn.png [ 885.46 KiB | Viewed 570 times ]

They... don't have names... kinda. So feel free to name them?

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destiny_921

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:27 am

Regular

Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2012 2:24 am
Posts: 119
Projects: Co-writer of Universal Hope, A Twist of Fantasy

T'was good. ~~why am I talking like Morrigan~~

Short, but the emotions show

HanaMori wrote:

Ah, another long lost request thread :'D I wonder if it still active.
If so, may I request? I adore your emotional style of writing.

Attachment:

dn.png

They... don't have names... kinda. So feel free to name them?

Ai: Never let go?

I whispered, our gazes still meeting. Reality had faded away into nothing. There was only the two of us.

His grip on my hands tightened.

"Never."

--

I couldn't resist >.>

_________________

Dear Procrastination/Laziness/Writer's block, I'll never let you win!

- Original Writing Guide *UPDATE - 20/12/12* -

"Like how a picture can paint a thousand words, a thousand words can also paint pictures."
Turn dreams into reality, let them not remain as fantasies.

Active WIPs: The Universal Hope - Main Priority (co-writer) & A Twist of Fantasy (original)

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AshenhartKrie

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:04 pm

Veteran

Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2012 10:02 pm
Posts: 413
Location: Australia
Completed: Seraph and Hellion
Projects: Dreamwalker (Not that it's even started XD)

With this:

Quote:

She had betrayed his whole family, and now she's going to betray him too...

It sounded a bit weird to me. I think it would sound better if you said "And now she was going to betray him as well."
(also, I kinda borrowed your idea for a writing thread. Because it was a good idea. XD)

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My Writing

Seraph and Hellion (Complete)

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DreamWalker (WIP with Junna)

The Gardener Did It! (I did not!) (WIP)

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Kirroha

Post subject: Re: Writing Request Thread [Open]

Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:11 pm

Mindscrew Driver

AshenhartKrie wrote:

With this:

Quote:

She had betrayed his whole family, and now she's going to betray him too...

It was sorta intentional, because even though the snippet was in 3rd person, it was third person limited - and that was exactly the thought process that was going in his mind at the moment. Saying "And now she was going to betray him as well" would kind of ruin the effect. But that was just my intention - if I didn't manage to acquire the intended effect and made it sound weird instead, thanks for pointing it out.

HanaMori wrote:

Ah, another long lost request thread :'D I wonder if it still active.
If so, may I request? I adore your emotional style of writing.

Attachment:

dn.png

They... don't have names... kinda. So feel free to name them?

Challenge accepted.

Give me a sec...

_________________

Yours truly is also known as Coren Baili (百里栝人). You like me, then I like me too.

~~Asking about my gender is off-limits~~

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Kirroha

Post subject: Re: Kirroha's Writing Dump [Requests Closed]

Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2013 9:28 pm

Mindscrew Driver

Here, HanaMori - done with your request.

Gone with the Wind (yes, I have no imagination)

His figure was like an angel, swaying in the breeze. So simple, so elegant, and yet so fragile. She bit her lip, hard - struggling not to break into tears, as she watched him crumble away.

"Ellen."

His voice was gentle and reassuring as it has always been - and yet, at that moment, it broke her heart. The thought that she would never hear that gentle voice ever again, the thought that she would never see him again - it was just all too much to bear.

"Samuel," her voice finally shattered, as she ran forwards and threw herself into his chest, sobbing furiously. "Samuel, Samuel, Samuel."

It was like a mantra - she cried his name, and his name only. He, who had been the only person in the world to give her light; he, who had been the only person in this world to give her strength. He, who had been the only person in this world whom she loved.
He held her, not saying a word. He had always been like that, she thought, always so supportive and kind. He had always been so dependable, after all. He had always been hers, until now.

"Don't leave me," she croaked out a sob. That sob was full of anguish, sorrow and most of all - terror. Inside, she was terrified - terrified of what the future without him would bring.

He brought his face closer, their foreheads almost touching. He gently flicked aside a lock of damp blonde hair which was sticking to her cheek, matted with tears. At the sight of his brilliant blue eyes and that warm beam which she had always considered her only source of sunlight, she could not help but be painfully reminded of what she had lost.

"We will meet again," he promised, firmly.

She knew he was just trying to make me feeling better. Yet, his voice was gentle, reassuring. Through her tear-stained face, she couldn't help but feel warm.

After all, she thought sadly, it's about time I learnt how to live without him.

_________________

Yours truly is also known as Coren Baili (百里栝人). You like me, then I like me too.

~~Asking about my gender is off-limits~~

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