Simon's writing thread [prompts open][critique welcomed]

[SimonLayton]

I made a promise last year that I would be more focus in writing more original stories/content than fanfiction. So, despite school work, my own writing work, and my other vn-related work, I'm going to start a writing thread for short stories and drabbles, to balance writing both fics and originals. Since I have nothing to offer to show at the moment*, feel free to give me a prompt, and I'll see what I can do. :3

* - (unless you don't mind fics)

[Hazel-Bun]

Cool How about this for a prompt? Two children must deal with the ramifications of disturbing a "troll" under his bridge.

[SimonLayton]

Cool How about this for a prompt? Two children must deal with the ramifications of disturbing a "troll" under his bridge.

Thanks for the prompt! I'll get started tomorrow!

In other news, a friend of mine proposed a prompt outside the forums. The prompt is: Sandcastles - doesn't have to be sand, doesn't have to be castle. Write the first feeling that comes to mind when I say the word.

My answer is a really abstract sketch story, not really my usual style of writing, but it's worth to try!

like a sore throat (sandcastles)

My lungs are like a desert. Dry and burning. There's a fire inside of me that I can't put out, even if I drink a glass of water, or a small sea. In good days, the fire is only a little more than a sore throat. On bad days, I want to claw my neck, dig into my skin, and rip out the wasteland inside me.

I sometimes think that it's not a desert in my body, but a beach. Sometimes a small uncharted island. But the beach is nicer. I am on the edge of civilization. I can still be reached by people. I can go back to them if I want to. I stand on the line between the cities, the known, and the sea, the unknown. This is when I feel loved, one thing that makes me want to open my eyes to a morning.

But in my uncharted island, there's a lone tree for my company. Nothing else. I am separated from civilization, lonely and worthless.

Yet the water heals me. Even if it can't stop the burning, it cools me. My lands both have water, no matter how loved or lonely I am. The water guides me. I can build a boat in my island and sail back to my beach.

But I'm always in the desert, no matter how much I thought about islands or beaches. They are illusions. My desert has no water. It is endless, the result of the preceding drought. It offers no comfort. But it has sandcastles that I made with my hands. I build kingdoms here. They are my design. I will show the people the realms I made, my castles, my creation.

I wait for the day someone will take this desert away.

Breathing is hard for me.

Critique is welcomed, by the way.

[SimonLayton]

Hey Hazel, I'm still doing your prompt, so don't worry it's not forgotten. (Just extremely busy with other work and real life. D: )

Anyways I'm posting an excerpt of a story/fic I'm currently writing, in case anyone wants to see more samples of my writing. This is a rough draft, so umm yeaaah mistakes.

August 2041

A while ago I did tell you that I was going to die. That's true, little one, I am going to die. Very soon. And that's why I'm telling you this story. I know you're not really listening, and I know you're not going to remember this, and maybe not remember me, but I know you'll know.

So where was I? Right.

It was a month later since I arrived back to Palewell street. My house had been repainted and refurnished. I caught up with the latest gossip and happenings in the neighborhood. I listened to Sharon of the stories of our current neighbors, and I was introduced to those new people, had dinner with them. A lot had left the neighborhood. Glad to know they were going away because of reasons other than I was around.

Mrs. Santiago joined her husband not too long ago. Rook was married with this cool guy, and had moved out after his mother died. Mrs. Nils was still around, lurking, with more wrinkles in her face, and bonier than before. Sharon's advice for me was to lay low, even though it was made obvious that I was back to the neighborhood, with my house all cleaned up and good as new.

It was a hot summer day when we decided to visit Mr. and Mrs. Santiago. Rook, Sharon, Elliot and I visited the cemetery in Houston where they were buried, which was a bit far from home. Rook told me they were buried there because that was where the whole family was. They bought a bouquet of flowers and candles, while I got us a basket of food for picnic. We wore our best Sunday clothes. When we arrived we cleaned up their headstones, scrapped up the candle wax and picked up the dead leaves. Then all three of them knelt and prayed.

I picked up my cane and wandered away from them. I moved down rows of headstones, skimming through the names of the deceased. When I saw a familiar path, I walked down it. I was farther away from my group, but I wasn't worried. My feet carried me to old beaten roads, and the gravestones became grayer, the words fading.

I sat cross-legged in front of one particular headstone. I stared at it for a long time. The longer I looked, the more my lungs crippled, my throat closing by itself. I hiccuped, and I didn't realize that tears were starting to fall down. I swallowed the lump down. “Hi, Mom.” I mumbled. Seeing her again after so many years...I didn't know what to feel, what to say. “It's your son.” I touched the gravestone and traced my mother's name, flicked away the moss that was growing. “I hope you're not lonely, wherever you are.” Because I was, even though I didn't want to admit it.

I was not a religious person. I believed in God, but I was really angry at Him since I was eight years old. But I prayed. My hands shook when I put my them together, laid them on my lap, and bowed my head, closed my eyes. I faint gust blew past my face. The wind was hot on my cheeks. For once, I felt peaceful.

I was half-asleep in my prayer when Elliot found me. He shook my shoulder, and I turned to him. My tears had dried off, but I wiped my face. But my eyes were red, and it was obvious to him. “Are you okay, uncle?” he said quietly. “I was calling out for you, but you didn't seem to hear, and I was worried something happened to you...”

I managed to smile. “I'm fine.”

Elliot offered a hand and I took it, standing up. We looked down at the gravestone. “Who is she, uncle?”

“My mom,” I said, without hesitation. It probably felt weird to hear it for him, because I was an old, grown man who apparently still missed his own mother.

“Why didn't you tell us she was buried here?”

“I didn't know she would still be here.” I sighed through my nose.

Sharon and Rook caught up with us. They already cleaned up at the Santiagos and had their picnic. Elliot told them about the headstone I decided to visit, telling them what I told him. Then everyone cleaned up Mom's grave too and lit one candle for her.

“She died when I was only eight years old,” I said, when we packed up and were heading out of the cemetery. “It was a...a fire accident, in the place she worked.”

Sharon squeezed my arm gently. “We'll bring flowers for her, too, next time we visit.”

[Haze]

If you're still taking prompts, how about...something based on this random sentence that I'm coming up with as I type this?

You liar. You say you know something about life? You're wrong. You haven't truly lived for a single day in this thing you call your "life".

...it's more like an excerpt(except that I didn't take it from anything) than a sentence, isn't it? Sorry about that. I'd be interested to see what you can do with it if you're open to a new prompt, though.

If you want something less dark, how about this:

The summer breeze felt very refreshing after being in that room for so long.

You don't need to use the sentence/excerpt directly in the prompt if you don't want to.

Also, do you mind is I give some critique on the story above(August 2041)? I know you said "critique welcomed", but I have a feeling I'll have a lot to say, so I don't want to give you a huge forum post of grammar mistakes and such unless it's ok with you.

[SimonLayton]

I'm still taking prompts, and I just have a hard time getting to finish them because of life (Sorry, Hazel-bun DX) No, of course, feel free to point out those mistakes! :) The above story is just an excerpt of this big gigantic thing I'm writing, so any inaccuraries or wrong grammar that you'll point out is greatly appreciated.

[Haze]

No, of course, feel free to point out those mistakes! The above story is just an excerpt of this big gigantic thing I'm writing, so any inaccuraries or wrong grammar that you'll point out is greatly appreciated.

Ok then, here we go!

A while ago I did tell you that I was going to die.

First of all, you need a comma after "ago" Secondly, "A while ago" and "I did tell you" indicate different tenses(past v.s present, if I'm not mistaken). I would change this sentence entirely to past tense with "A while ago, I told you I was going to die"

That's true, little one, I am going to die. Very soon.

That comma after "one" should be a period since "I am going to die" is its own sentence. Also, "very soon" is a fragment, not to mention it's a little choppy. If you do the above edit and make "I...die" into its own sentence, then you can connect this new sentence with "Very soon" with something like "I am going to die, and very soon."

And that's why I'm telling you this story.

I would change "And" to "So", but that's just my personal preference; you don't have to.

I know you're not really listening, and I know you're not going to remember this, and maybe not remember me, but I know you'll know.

Too many "and"s; the sentence is a run-on as it is. I would change "and maybe not remember me" to "perhaps you won't even remember me", which fixes the problem. Also, you should be more specific. "I know you'll know"...what? You need to add a little more here. If that's something you don't want to reveal just yet, then add something like "what to do" or whatever applies to the situation that you can say and still keep the reader in the dark.

So where was I?

You need a comma after "So". ("So, where was I?")

Right.

There are a lot of ways to use the word "right". Since he's saying he remember what he was going to say, I would add "Oh," here, to be a little more clear. ("So where was I? Oh, right.")

It was a month later since...

"Later since" is slightly redundant; you don't need both. I would either make this "It was a month since..." or "It was a month after..."

...I arrived back to Palewell street.

First off, I'd recommend capitalizing the "s" in "street". Secondly, the "to" in "to Palewell Street" should be "at".

My house had been repainted and refurnished.

If the protag is the one who repainted and refurnished his house, then you should mention that in the sentence. Something like "I had repainted and refurnished my house." would work.

My house had been repainted and refurnished. I caught up with the latest gossip and happenings in the neighborhood.

I would recommend connecting these 2 sentences with something like "...and refurnished, and I caught up..."

I listened to Sharon of the stories of our current neighbors, and I was introduced to those new people, had dinner with them.

The wording is way off here, so it's a bit of a run on. Also, "current neighbors" doesn't make much since since the protag has just found out about and met them recently. I would change this to "...of my new neighbors, and I had the pleasure of being introduced and having dinner with these people.

A lot had left the neighborhood

Be more specific. A lot of what? People, right? Then mention that in the sentence with "A lot of people had left..."

Glad to know they were going away because of reasons other than I was around.

I wouldn't use "glad" here. "Good" or "It was good" works better.

Mrs. Santiago joined...good as new.

I would be more specific here. You mention all these people without warning; add something. I would put a sentence like "I found out a lot of information about some old friends." before this part.

Rook was married with this cool guy, and had moved out after his mother died.

First of all, "with" is not the right word; "to" is better. Secondly, you need to add "he" or a name before "had"("...and he had moved out..."). Third, I can't tell who you're talking about in the "and had moved out after his mother died" part. If you add "he" before "had", then change "his" into a name. If you add a name before "had", then you're fine.(personally, I like adding a name before "had" better, but it's up to you.

... even though it was made obvious that I ...

You don't need the word "made" here.

It was a hot summer day when we decided to visit Mr. and Mrs. Santiago. Rook, Sharon, Elliot and I....

You need to switch "we" with "Rook, Sharon, Elliot, and I"; names should be named before you use a pronoun. ("...day when Rook, Sharon, Elliot, and I decided to visit Mr. and Mrs. Santiago. We..."

...in Houston where they...

Who's "they", exactly? Context clues say Mr. and Mrs. Santiago, but it could be Rook, Sharon, and Elliot. Be more specific. Something like "in Houston where the Santiagos..." is a little better.

Rook told me they were buried there because that was where the whole family was.

This sentence is a little plain; spice it up a little! I would make it "According to Rook, they were buried out there because of family tradition.

They bought a bouquet of flowers and candles, while I got us a basket of food for picnic.

The last "they" referred to in the story is "the whole family" mentioned in the previous sentence. Also, "a bouquet of flowers and candles" doesn't really work since, to my knowledge, you can't buy a bouquet of candles. And it should be "a picnic" or "the picnic", not just "picnic". So, you should change the sentence to "Rook, Sharon and Elliot bought a bouquet of flowers, along with some candles, while I got us a basket of food for a picnic."

When we arrived we cleaned up their headstones, scrapped up the candle wax and picked up the dead leaves.

If the candle wax and picking up leaves sections are part of cleaning up the headstone, then you need to say "scraping off some" instead of "scrapped up"(because "scrapping" and "scraping" are 2 very different things) and "picking" instead of "picked". Also, comma after "arrived", and I would take out the "the" after "up". ("When we arrived, we cleaned up their headstones, scraping off some candle wax and picking up dead leaves.")

Then all three of them knelt and prayed.

"All" indicates...well, all. Since the protag isn't kneeling to pray, "all" doesn't work here. I would use "the" instead, adding a comma before it. ("Then, the three of them knelt...")

When I saw a familiar path, I walked down it.

Since you're talking about looking at gravestones right before this, this sentence comes off as a bit abrupt. Add some sort of transition before this sentence. Maybe the protag sees "a familiar path" above the gravestones s/he's looking at? Or maybe the paths go through the gravestones, compelling him/her to go down it? You need some sort of transition here.

My feet carried me to old beaten roads, and the gravestones became grayer, the words fading.

I would edit the second part of this sentence a little bit. Going down older roads means older gravestones, right? Then I would say "...beaten roads, where the gravestones were grayer, the words fading." Also, I would add a comma after "old" ("...to old, beaten roads...").

The longer I looked, the more my lungs crippled...

You should put the word "became" before "crippled". ("...the more my lungs became crippled...")

I swallowed the lump down.

Since you didn't mention a lump directly before this, I would add a little more here. ("I swallowed down a lump that had formed in my throat.)

...I didn't know what to feel, what to say.

I would change the first "what" to "how", because I think that fits better. It also avoids saying "what" twice in the sentence. ("...I didn't know how to feel, what to say.")

flicked away the moss that was growing.

"flicked" should by "flicking". Also, I would add something like "upon it" to the end of the sentence. Alternatively, you can just take out the "that was growing" part. ("...flicking away the moss that was growing upon it.")

...but I was really angry at Him since I was eight years old.

Assuming the protag is still angry, "was" should be "have been". ("...but I have been really angry...")

My hands shook when I put my them together, laid them on my lap, and bowed my head, closed my eyes.

I would change "when" to "as"; that sounds a little more natural. Also, the "and" should be before "closed", not "bowed", and I would take out the "my" before "them". ("My hands shook as I put them together...bowed my head, and closed my eyes.")

I faint gust blew past my face. The wind was hot on my cheeks.

First off, "I" should be "A" or "I felt a". Secondly, I would connect these 2 sentences, since they're talking about similar subjects. Something like "...past my face, the wind feeling hot on my cheeks." works.

My tears had dried off, but I wiped my face. But my eyes were red, and it was obvious to him.

Saying "but" 2 times like that doesn't sound very good. You could change the first "but" to "though", "and", or "yet", which fixes the problem. Also, the wording in the second sentence is off. I would reword this to "But my red eyes made it obvious to him that I was crying

“Are you okay, uncle?” he said quietly. “I was calling out for you, but you didn't seem to hear, and I was worried something happened to you...”

Depending on how old Elliot is(if his age was stated in the passage, I missed it), these words might be too sophisticated for his age. Just something to think about.

It probably felt weird to hear it for him...

I would put "for him" earlier in this part and add a little more. ("It probably felt weird for him to hear something like that...")

I sighed through my nose.

Optional, but I would change this to "I said, sighing through my nose."

They already cleaned up at the Santiagos and had their picnic.

How does the protag know this? If he just assumes or figures out through context clues, I would add the word "apparently" before the start of this sentence. Also, I would add the word "had" before "already". ("Apparently, they had already...")

Then everyone cleaned up Mom's grave too and lit one candle for her.

Two things: you need a comma after "then", and I would take out the word "too". ("Then, everyone cleaned up Mom's grave and...")

...I said, when we packed up and were heading out of the cemetery.

I think "as" would be better than "when" here. Also, since you used "packed" earlier, I would change "were heading out" into the same tense, for consistency. ("I said, as we packed up and headed out of the cemetery.")

...in the place she worked.”

I would make this "at the place" instead of "in the place".

Ok, that's it! Hope this helps.

[SimonLayton]

Sorry for the extremely late reply, but ow wow, thank you so much! ;_; I learned a lot through this. :3 Thank you, thank you! :'D I'll take your critiques and suggestions in the excerpt (and the whole story) soon. :)

[Haze]

Sorry for the extremely late reply, but ow wow, thank you so much! ;_; I learned a lot through this. :3 Thank you, thank you! :'D I'll take your critiques and suggestions in the excerpt (and the whole story) soon.

Glad I could help! And thanks for the positive response! Every time I edit, I always think that I might get a "Why are you saying all this crap about my story?!" type response. Thanks for not doing that. XD