I need help creating a writing style

[TrickWithAKnife]

A bit of info about me first, so you can see where I'm coming from. Because I've been teaching English in Japan for the last six years, I'm surrounded by functional rather than natural English.

I'm working on a rather large VN. I've been doing all the writing, knowing full well I'll need to develop a more interesting writing style in the future, then go back and change my writing. Editing is a lot easier and faster than writing.

So, the time has come, but I'm having trouble writing in an interesting way, and despite all the research and advice, I can't make anything but functional dialogue. Most of the advice I have found applies to novels rather than VNs, which are quite unique.

So this is where you come in. I'm hoping you fine folks will be able to help guide me into a more interesting writing style, especially if examples are used, because that's how I learn best.

So, below I am posting an experimental version of the first scene of my VN, from the perspective of one of the two protagonists. Be aware, I'm about as sensitive as a freight train, so word your comments however you want.


*******************



Purposes of this scene:
Introduce the two protagonists.
Explain the breakup, and why the protagonists are no longer on good terms.
Hopefully hook the player's curiosity. What happened in the last year? Who is he talking to? How and why is he speaking Japanese? Why has his appearance changed so much? Why has his way of speaking changed?





Fade in, a face. Guy, early 20's, unruly hair. Scruffily dressed. He is smiling goofily.
It very slowly pans out to reveal more of the scene.

“One year can be an awfully long time.”

The image has panned out enough to show a girl to his right, smiling playfully and another to his left, rolling her eyes.

“Long enough for the whole world to turn upside down.””

The scene begins to move. We see that it was actually a photo that has just been dropped.
The photo lands on a desk and the camera pans up to show the same young man. A circle and some text is visible at the top left to indicate that he is being filmed and the player's view is from the video camera itself.

He now has a shorter hair and is well dressed.There is a scar along the side of his face, and he seems to have lost the playful expression he had in the photo. His eyes are full of determination.

“I don't want you to forget what you've been through... what we've been through. Not again.”

The scene starts to fade to black.

“Zettai wasurenai de, Rika.”

The scene gradually fades in the exact same scene as in the photo. We can see that the three people are in a bar.

“As I said, it all started about a year ago. Early June 2015, to be more specific...”

The text from characters will appear at a textbox at the bottom of the screen, in a speech bubble style. The pointy part of the speech bubble will be closest to whomever is speaking at that time. Anything else will be narrator. Narration will be shown red in this document.


Isabella (The eye roller)
“You really try hard to be as unphotogenic as possible, don't you, Jack?”

Jack
“C'mon, loosen up. It's meant to be a celebration.”
“Look at Hannah. She's getting into the spirit.”

“Hannah and Isabella had been best friends since they were young, Hannah being the bubbly one of the pair.”

Hannah
“Sorry Izzy, but I'm siding with Jack this time. It's not every day that you both get to graduate. Especially considering you did so with flying colours.”

Isabella
“It wasn't that difficult. Even Jack could have done it if he'd spent more time studying and less time getting into trouble.”

“My sister, Isabella, has always been a very focused, very determined person. Anything less than 100% was simply unacceptable to her. Pretty much the complete opposite to me. I think that's one reason why we always knew how to push each other's buttons so well.”

Jack
“Anything more than a pass is just being greedy.”

Hannah
“I'm happy for you guys, really. I know you've both worked really hard to get this far. Now the world is your oyster. Er... oysters?”

Isabella
“Yeah. I'm happy, of course. It's just that...”

Hannah
“...It's just that Izzy's feeling antsy because Aaron isn't here yet.”

Isabella
“He said he'd be here soon. Maybe he got stuck in traffic, or something.”

“I'll never know what she saw in him. Aaron had been Isabella's boyfriend since high school, but it was often rocky between them. Something about that guy rubbed me up the wrong way, right from day one.”

Jack
“Did you really have to invite him? It's like you two are joined at the hip”

Isabella
“And THIS is what I was worried about. Just leave off for one night, will you?”

Jack
“Fine, fine. Gotta take a slash, anyway. Back in a sec.”

Isabella
“I'll be back too. Looks a bit crowded over there. Can you watch my drink?”

Hannah
“Okay, sure. Take your time.”

“Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn't gone at that moment. A prime example of the butterfly effect, if ever there was one.”

Both Jack & Isabella move off screen to the respective bathrooms. Scene fades again.
When the scene fades back in, Jack is returning from the bathroom, which is shown at the far right. As he moves, the scene pans left, where we see Hannah and Aaron kissing.

“I remember my hands tightening into fists, and all sounds around me fading away. I had no idea that this moment would be the catalyst for so much change.”

Jack
“What the hell are you two doing?!”

Hannah
“Jack! We were just...”

Aaron
“Back off bro. It's none of your business.”

Jack
“None of my business? What about my sister?”

Aaron
“What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Anyway, she's not going to listen to you over me. So piss off.”

“Something inside snapped. All the years of drama he'd put my sister through had finally reached boiling point.”

Bam! Cut to a moving CG of Jack punching Aaron in the face and Aaron hitting the floor.

Isabella
“Aaron!”

Jack
“You come near her again and next time I won't stop.”

“And I meant it too. I'd never been so furious in my life.”


Aaron
“That's it. I've had enough. Stay the hell away from me, both of you.”

“He stormed off. I suspect his ego was hurting more than his face. I heard him rev his car and speed off at a breakneck speed.”

Aaron disappears from the scene, appropriate sounds playing.

Isabella
“Jack, what was that for?!”

“If looks could kill, I would have been annihilated on the spot.”




Menu:
Option 1: “They kissed”
Option 2: “...”





Option 1:
Jack
“When I came out of the bathroom, those two were making out.”

“Honesty is the best policy. Right?”

Isabella
“Hannah, is that true?”

Hannah
“Aaron just gave me a friendly peck on the cheek. Jack must've seen that and misunderstood.”

Isabella
“You're so dead, Jack. I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

“She'd calm down eventually. At least, that's what I thought at the time.”

Isabella leaves the scene in the same direction as Aaron.





Option 2:
Jack
“You deserve better.”

“In retrospect, it wasn't the best response, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.”

Isabella
“You hit him over something petty like that? You're out of your mind.
I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

Isabella leaves the scene in the same direction as Aaron.

Hannah
“Thanks for not telling her what really happened.”

Jack
“I didn't do it for you. I did it for her.”

Hannah
“For her? I don't understand.”

Jack
“Isabella is going to need a shoulder to cry on. I'm pretty sure she'll want it to be the shoulder of her best friend, not the jerk who just decked her boyfriend.”

Hannah
“You're a good brother.”

Jack
“And you're a terrible friend. How dare you betray her like that!”

Hannah
“You're right. The three of us have spent so much time together, and things just kind of started to happen at a party one night.
For what it's worth, I truly am sorry.”

Jack
“Whatever.
I need another drink...”

“...or five.”







Fade out to the next day.

[MrJikoui]

I read through what you have here, and honestly I'm not entirely sure what you mean by creating a style. You're writing seems perfectly fine to me, and your characters, including the narration, all have their own particular voices. I'm sorry if I seem like less of a help than I want to be, but overall it seems like you are already developing the story in your own style. Still, I would like to help so if you can clarify a bit on what you think your problem is in the writing, I will do what I can to assist.

[TrickWithAKnife]

The general consensus from other people I've shown my writing to is that it's "functional". I want to try to bring the dialogue to life. I'm not really sure how to recognise the difference between ok VN writing and rather good writing, but as it's a quite lengthy VN, I'd like to make the reading experience as enjoyable as possible for the players.

[MrJikoui]

Well, from what I have noticed, and you mentioned I believe, is that VN writing lies in almost an entirely different realm than that if traditional novel writing. From what I can tell, your writing is perfect for the script, which is what you have. The description and visuals will be handled by the artists for the most part, so really functional is the best way to go. At least that is how I feel it is. I'm certain other writers will have differing opinions.

[Phersu]

I think the way you're writing now will work well for a visual novel, so I don't see really a need to change it.

Authors style of writing varies greatly, and it wouldn't be odd if you were able to recognize a stories author just because you had previously read some of their work. Its something that just kind of happens while you write, in my experience. I mean, I don't really think about choosing a certain style. I just write the way I feel is best at the time, the way I want to write a certain story. Well, in my opinion it's just not the kind of thing you think about, it's more of a thing you trust your instincts and feelings about.

Hoped that helped.

[Steamgirl]

I'm just grabbing a few lines to analyse. My approach is to make lines do the following work:

1) Deliver meaning (eg. push story forward)
2) Express the character's personality
3) Express the character's state of mind

Sometimes you can't make it do all three things at once, but if you're worried your characters don't have enough soul it might help?

Jack
“Did you really have to invite him? It’s like you two are joined at the hip.”

What feeling is he expressing here? Jealousy? Hatred towards the other guy? Annoyance with Isabella for being too dependent on someome?

What aspect of his personality is he expressing? Is he generally blunt or just in this case?

Isabella
“And THIS is what I was worried about. Just leave off for one night, will you?”

She seems annoyed - makes a reference that she was anticipating his behaviour. And a reference to the past (apparently he's done this before). This is great for displaying chemistry between characters. Not sure what her personality is.

Jack
“Fine, fine. Gotta take a slash, anyway. Back in a sec.”

Yep, he seems like a blunt/rude guy "generally".

Isabella
“I’ll be back too. Looks a bit crowded over there. Can you watch my drink?”

This seems to be only doing the job of removing Isabella from the scene. I'm not getting any sense of her personality in this.

Hannah
“Okay, sure. Take your time.”

Hmmm, Hannah could be a) kind, b) conceding/low self-esteem? What is she feeling at this moment? Loneliness?

Hope that helps.

[TrickWithAKnife]

My approach is to make lines do the following work:

1) Deliver meaning (eg. push story forward)
2) Express the character's personality
3) Express the character's state of mind

Thanks for going over my writing. I think I focussed too much on point one, and not enough on the other two. I'm going to go over my writing with what you said in mind, especially about the lines you pointed out.

What I'd like to do is drop subtle hints that maybe Hannah is feeling a little guilty or hiding something. Not enough to make the player suspicious, but enough that the player may pick up on it if they play a second time. Isabella is the other protagonist, so this scene and a few others coincide, although viewed from different perspectives.

As for Isabella, she's the most complicated one, personality-wise. She comes off as a little serious and sometimes cold at times, but she's actually a very caring person.
She's been hurt in the past by other people (this will come up mid-game), so puts up barriers with other people, especially men, and it takes a while for the barriers to come down.
She has a different relationship with Jack, who she will always see as her immature kid brother.
This is of course too much to show in a short scene, but that's how I envisioned them.

For Isabella in particular, I was concerned about people seeing her personality in the start and presuming this is her in a nutshell. Hopefully this scene will show that Jack's personality will change a lot over the course of the game.
Isabella will change a lot too, but in a less extreme way to Jack. He will struggle with an identity crisis while dealing with culture shock, whereas Isabella will discover that she is the master of her fate. But I don't think the player will or should know this at this point.

[TrickWithAKnife]

Version 2:





*******************





Fade in, a face. Guy, early 20's, unruly hair. Scruffily dressed. He is smiling goofily.
It very slowly pans out to reveal more of the scene.

“One year can be an awfully long time.”

The image has panned out enough to show a girl to his right, smiling playfully and another to his left, rolling her eyes.

“Long enough for the whole world to turn upside down.””

The scene begins to move. We see that it was actually a photo that has just been dropped.
The photo lands on a desk and the camera pans up to show the same young man. A circle and some text is visible at the top left to indicate that he is being filmed and the player's view is from the video camera itself.

He now has a shorter hair and is well dressed.There is a scar along the side of his face, and he seems to have lost the playful expression he had in the photo. His eyes are full of determination.

“I don't want you to forget what you've been through... what we've been through. Not again.”

The scene starts to fade to black.

“Zettai wasurenai de, Rika.”

The scene gradually fades in the exact same scene as in the photo. We can see that the three people are in a bar.

“As I said, it all started about a year ago. Early June 2015, to be more specific...”

The text from characters will appear at a textbox at the bottom of the screen, in a speech bubble style. The pointy part of the speech bubble will be closest to whomever is speaking at that time. Anything else will be narrator. Narration will be shown red in this document.


Isabella (The eye roller)
“You really try hard to be as unphotogenic as possible, don't you, Jack?”

Jack
“C'mon, loosen up. It's meant to be a celebration.”
“Look at Hannah. She's getting into the spirit.”

“Hannah and Isabella had been best friends since they were young, Hannah being the bubbly one of the pair.”

Hannah
“Sorry Izzy, but I'm siding with Jack this time. It's not every day that you both get to graduate. Especially considering you did so with flying colours.”

Isabella
“It wasn't that difficult. Even Jack could have done it if he'd spent more time studying and less time getting into trouble.”

“My sister, Isabella, has always been a very focused, very determined person. Anything less than 100% was simply unacceptable to her. Pretty much the complete opposite to me. I think that's one reason why we always knew how to push each other's buttons so well.”

Jack
“Anything more than a pass is just being greedy.”

Hannah
“I'm happy for you guys, really. I know you've both worked really hard to get this far. Now the world is your oyster. Er... oysters?”

Isabella
“Yeah. I'm happy, of course. It's just that...”

Hannah
“...It's just that Izzy's feeling antsy because Aaron isn't here yet.”

Isabella
“He said he'd be here soon. I'm not really sure what's going on with him lately. He's been a bit distant.”

“I'll never know what she saw in him. Aaron had been Isabella's boyfriend since high school, but it was often rocky between them. Something about that guy rubbed me up the wrong way, right from day one. This was our celebration and I certainly didn't need him around to make it awkward.”

Hannah
"Uh, I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably running late because of traffic."

Jack
“Did you really have to invite him? It's not like we couldn't celebrate with just the three of us.”

Isabella
“And THIS is what I was worried about. Just leave off for one night, will you?”

Jack
“Fine, fine. Gotta take a slash, anyway. Back in a sec.”

Isabella
“Charming. I'd go too, but it's looking rather crowded over there, and I don't want to miss Aaron when he arrives. If he arrives."

Hannah
"Don't worry, I can ask him to wait if you haven't returned by then. Want me to watch your drink?"

Isabella
“Sure, thanks."

Hannah
“No problem. Take your time.”

“Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn't gone at that moment. A prime example of the butterfly effect, if ever there was one.”

Both Jack & Isabella move off screen to the respective bathrooms. Scene fades again.
When the scene fades back in, Jack is returning from the bathroom, which is shown at the far right. As he moves, the scene pans left, where we see Hannah and Aaron kissing.

“I remember my hands tightening into fists, and all sounds around me fading away. I had no idea that this moment would be the catalyst for so much change.”

Jack
“What the hell are you two doing?!”

Hannah
“Jack! We were just...”

Aaron
“Back off bro. It's none of your business.”

Jack
“None of my business? What about my sister?”

Aaron
“What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Anyway, she's not going to listen to you over me. So piss off.”

“Something inside snapped. All the years of drama he'd put my sister through had finally reached boiling point.”

Bam! Cut to a moving CG of Jack punching Aaron in the face and Aaron hitting the floor.

Isabella
“Aaron!”

Jack
“You come near her again and next time I won't stop.”

“And I meant it too. I'd never been so furious in my life.”

Aaron
“That's it. I've had enough. Stay the hell away from me, both of you.”

“He stormed off. I suspect his ego was hurting more than his face. I heard him rev his car and speed off at a breakneck speed.”

Aaron disappears from the scene, appropriate sounds playing.

Isabella
“Jack, what was that for?!”

“If looks could kill, I would have been annihilated on the spot.”




Menu:
Option 1: “They kissed”
Option 2: “...”





Option 1:
Jack
“When I came out of the bathroom, those two were making out.”

“Honesty is the best policy. Right?”

Isabella
“Hannah, is that true?”

Hannah
“Aaron just gave me a friendly peck on the cheek. Jack must've seen that and misunderstood.”

Isabella
“You're so dead, Jack. I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

“She'll calm down eventually. At least, that's what I thought at the time.”

Isabella leaves the scene in the same direction as Aaron.





Option 2:
Jack
“You deserve better.”

“In retrospect, it wasn't the best response, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.”

Isabella
“You hit him over something petty like that? You're out of your mind.
I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

Isabella leaves the scene in the same direction as Aaron.

Hannah
“Thanks for not telling her what really happened.”

Jack
“I didn't do it for you. I did it for her.”

Hannah
“For her? I don't understand.”

Jack
“Isabella is going to need a shoulder to cry on. I'm pretty sure she'll want it to be the shoulder of her best friend, not the jerk who just decked her boyfriend.”

Hannah
“You're a good brother.”

Jack
“And you're a terrible friend. How dare you betray her like that!”

Hannah
“You're right. The three of us have spent so much time together, and things just kind of started to happen at a party one night.
For what it's worth, I truly am sorry.”

Jack
“Whatever.
I need another drink...”

“...or five.”







Fade out to the next day.

[Kinjo]

Alright, it took me a few readings but I think I've got some advice for you on this. Keep in mind this is what I would personally do and you're free to ignore it like anyone else. But I honestly want others to succeed with their projects, so I won't hold back my thoughts.

I'd first like to address the opening scene. It's very short. You mention a lot of camera movement, but given the small amount of lines, would that really work? The player who reads fast would get to the end before the camera shows everything you want it to. Either that, or you'd have to force the player to read slowly (which can work) but I do think the best approach is to elaborate more to build up suspense. What you have right now is rather generic (you could start almost any story with the whole "some crazy stuff happened over the past year" thing) so adding some material unique to your story would make it stand out.

The other thing about the opening is the very last sentence regarding the date (“As I said, it all started about a year ago. Early June 2015, to be more specific...”). That could be worded a lot better. Try and keep things concise. "Early June 2015" is the only new information you've presented in that sentence. Everyting else is filler, so I'd recommend you rework the way that information is conveyed to the reader.

I do get what you mean when you say "functional". Like my previous point, a lot of your dialogue tries to serve a purpose, but it's not very subtle. I can tell right away that you're trying to infodump things, and it's unnatural in dialogue. I'm not sure if anyone would say "unphotogenic" when casually talking to their friend, but you did that so the reader could know it was referring to the photo in the opening scene. Right after, the photo subject is dropped. Why did they take a photo in the first place? For the sake of making a really cool opening scene? (spoilers: that's not why they did it, or at least it shouldn't be)

And then the names. "...don't you, Jack?"; "Look at Hannah."; "Sorry Izzy"; etc. I wouldn't say this is a bad practice, but it's not subtle at all. I can tell what you're doing, and that's not something a reader should pick up on.

"It's not every day that you both get to graduate. Especially considering you did so with flying colours.”

This is another obvious infodump. Why would someone bring that up in spoken conversation unless it was to inform the reader? My main suggestion here is to inform the reader of what they should know through the narrator's exposition, not spoken dialogue. For example, I might reword the last sentence of the opening scene as such:

"Early June, 2015. The three of us were hanging out together after graduation. Just me, Izzy, and Hannah, waiting for Aaron to show up."

...And afterward, I'd cut out the names from the other sentences, and all infodumps about the graduation stuff. Since at that point, it would be redundant for the reader. Also, you use the word 'celebrate' a lot. Try and find a variety of words to use (not just for that instance, but all the time). And I'm not sure if they graduated high school, college, or kindergarten, so that would be good to clear up.

There is also some redundant dialogue: "Now the world is your oyster. Er... oysters?”; "I don't want to miss Aaron when he arrives. If he arrives."; etc. Try to avoid redundancy. The reader will notice when it occurs more often.

Lastly, a few minor concerns:

"A prime example of the butterfly effect, if ever there was one."
Something better might be "if I had to give one", because there certainly were examples of a butterfly effect in the past. Just not from the narrator.

"All the years of drama he'd put my sister through had finally reached boiling point.”
I believe there's something missing in the above sentence. You might want to fix that.

So yeah, I could tell from the very first line ("Purposes of this scene:") that you're putting functionality at the center here. But in doing so, the other aspects of the writing are suffering for it. Think about it less from a functional perspective and more from a character-driven perspective. The reader will notice that you're trying to force the plot in a certain direction, and when that happens on a large scale, the integrity of the story suffers.

I didn't cover everything you posted, but from what I said you should be able to apply it to other parts and find out what should be changed (if anything). I can tell you're definitely putting effort in, so hopefully my advice will be useful for you. Good luck!

[Steamgirl]

The edits you made look great - loads more personality! The characters become more distinct from each other as well - each with their own thoughts and feelings bubbling underneath the things the say. I just picked a random sample, but if you apply it throughout your writing I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine and not "too functional". I particularly liked the "charming" line - made me laugh and like Isabella more.

I find it helps to have character diamonds as well, if you haven't made them already. That way you have a number of traits you can always check yourself against for each line. I like this article's way of putting it: http://wow.joystiq.com/2008/05/25/all-t ... -diamonds/

Don't feel like you need to limit yourself to the "how does your character relate to..." approach. It's totally fine for characters to have 1 trait if they're minor character (eg a bartender), and even main characters can get away with having only 2-3 traits, or more if you think 5 would be beneficial. I do find that too many traits muddle the waters though - in real life people have plenty of different sides to them, but we like to believe in a world that is consistent. Perhaps one of the reasons why people can get angry at friends/relatives if they behave "out of character"? For a character to be distinctly recognisable in the way they speak/act, less is generally more. More does give more depth though - so it's a balance.

That's just my two pence though - ultimately only you know what works best for you.

[TrickWithAKnife]

Thanks for the feedback.

I've taken what's been said into account and made a few revisions. I must admit, it's rather challenging to find that fine line between an info dump and filler.




Version 3:


*******************


This initial part of the scene will happen slowly. I'm planning to use hard pauses to make sure the player can't skip ahead. It isn't actually that long anyway, so it hopefully shouldn't bother the player too much.

Fade in, a face. Guy, early 20's, unruly hair. Scruffily dressed. He is smiling goofily.
It very slowly pans out to reveal more of the scene.

"One year can be an awfully long time.”

The image has panned out enough to show a girl to his left, Giving a forced smile.

"Long enough for the whole world to turn upside down."

The scene begins to move. We see that it was actually a photo that has just been dropped.
The photo lands on a desk and the camera pans up to show the same young man. A circle and some text is visible at the top left to indicate that he is being filmed and the player's view is from the video camera itself.

He now has a shorter hair and is well dressed.There is a scar along the side of his face, and he seems to have lost the playful expression he had in the photo. His eyes are full of determination.

"I don't want you to forget what you've been through... what we've been through. Not again.”

The scene starts to fade to black.

"Zettai wasurenai de, Rika.”

The scene gradually fades in the exact same scene as in the photo. We can see that the three people are in a bar.

"It all began in early June, 2015. The three of us were hanging out at a bar together after graduation. Just me, Izzy, and Hannah, waiting for Aaron to show up."


The text from characters will appear at a textbox at the bottom of the screen, in a speech bubble style. The pointy part of the speech bubble will be closest to whomever is speaking at that time. Anything else will be narrator. Narration will be shown red in this document.


Hannah
"Beautiful, don't you think?"

Jack
"Yeah, looks good. Thanks for taking it."

Isabella (The girl from the photo)
"When Hannah told us to say "cheese", I don't think she meant "pull the cheesiest expression humanly possible"."

Jack
"C'mon, loosen up. I mean, you're the only one not getting into the spirit.”

"Hannah and Isabella had been best friends since they were young, Hannah being the bubbly one of the pair.”

Hannah
"Sorry Izzy, but I'm siding with your brother this time."

Isabella
"I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but there's also a lot on my mind, too. This is where life really begins. Job hunting in particular is going to be rough."

Hannah
"Sure, but at least you'll be doing so armed with a BA. With distinction, no less."

Isabella
"It wasn't really that difficult. Even Jack could have done it if he'd spent more time studying and less time getting into trouble.”

"Isabella, has always been a very focused, very determined person. Anything less than 100% was simply unacceptable to her. Pretty much the complete opposite to me. I think that's one reason why we always knew how to push each other's buttons so well."

Jack
"Anything more than a pass is just being greedy.”

Hannah
"I'm happy for you guys, really. I know you've both worked really hard to get this far. Now the world is your oyster.”

Isabella
"Yeah. I'm happy, of course. It's just that...”

Hannah
"...It's just that Izzy's feeling antsy because Aaron isn't here yet.”

Isabella
"He said he'd be here soon. I'm not really sure what's going on with him lately. He's been a bit distant.”

"I'll never know what she saw in him. Aaron had been Isabella's boyfriend since high school, but it was often rocky between them. Something about that guy rubbed me up the wrong way, right from day one. This was our celebration and I certainly didn't need him around to make it awkward.”

Hannah
"Uh, I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably just running late because of traffic."

Jack
"Did you really have to invite him? It's not like we couldn't celebrate with just the three of us.”

Isabella
"And THIS is what I was worried about. Just leave off for one night, will you?”

Jack
"Fine, fine. Gotta take a slash, anyway. Back in a sec.”

Isabella
"Charming. I'd go too, but it's looking rather crowded over there, and I don't want to miss my man when he arrives. If he arrives."

Hannah
"Don't worry, I can ask him to wait if you haven't returned by then. Want me to watch your drink?"

Isabella
"Sure, thanks."

Hannah
"No problem. Take your time.”

"Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn't gone at that moment. A prime example of the butterfly effect, if I had to give one.”

Both Jack & Isabella move off screen, to their respective bathrooms. Scene fades again.
When the scene fades back in, Jack is returning from the bathroom, which is shown at the far right."

"I thought it was odd that Hannah wasn't there when I returned. I figured she might have stepped out to meet "Prince Charming" when he arrives, so I decided to head out too."

As he moves, the scene pans left, where we can see Hannah and Aaron through the doorway, near his car, kissing.

"I remember that moment so clearly, even now. All the sound from the bar seemed to fade away. All my focus was on those two, as my hands tightened into fists. I had no idea that this moment would be the catalyst for so much change.”

Jack
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!”

Hannah
"Jack! We were just...”

Aaron
"Back off bro. It's none of your business.”

Jack
"None of my business? Seriously? What about my sister?”

Aaron
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her. She's not going to believe you over me anyway, so piss off.”

During this next line, Isabella will start to become visible from the doorway too.

"Something inside snapped. All the years of drama he'd put my sister through had finally reached a boiling point.”

Bam! Cut to a moving CG of Jack punching Aaron in the face and Aaron hitting the ground.

Isabella
"Aaron!”

Jack
"You come near her again and next time I won't stop.”

"And I meant it too. I'd never been so furious in my life.”

Aaron
"That's it. I've had enough. Stay the hell away from me, both of you.”

"He stormed off. I suspect his ego was hurting more than his face. He jumped in his car, revved it in a childish rage, and took off at a breakneck speed.”

Aaron disappears from the scene, appropriate sounds playing.

Isabella
"You better have one hell of an excuse!”

"If looks could kill, I would have been annihilated on the spot.”




Menu:
Option 1: "They kissed”
Option 2: "...”





Option 1:
Jack
"When I came out of the bathroom, I went to look for her, and I saw the two of them making out.”

"Honesty is the best policy. Right?”

Isabella
"Hannah, is that true?”

Hannah
"Uh, he just gave me a friendly peck on the cheek. Jack must've seen that and misunderstood.”

Isabella
"You're so dead, Jack. I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

"She'll calm down eventually. At least, that's what I thought at the time.”

Isabella leaves the scene.





Option 2:
Jack
"You deserve better.”

"In retrospect, it wasn't the best response, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20.”

Isabella
"You hit him over something petty like that? You're out of your mind!
I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”

Isabella leaves the scene.

Hannah
"Thanks for not telling her what really happened.”

Jack
"I didn't do it for you. I did it for her.”

Hannah
"For her? I don't understand.”

Jack
"Well, I'll be very surprised if things are going to be going smoothly between them after tonight. Isabella will need a shoulder to cry on, and I'm pretty sure she'll want it to be the shoulder of her best friend, not the jerk who just decked her boyfriend.”

Hannah
"You're a good brother.”

Jack
"And you're a terrible friend. How dare you betray her like that!”

Hannah
"I know, you're right. The three of us have spent so much time together and things just kind of started to happen at a party one night.
For what it's worth, I truly am sorry.”

Jack
"Whatever.
I need another drink...”

"...or five.”







Fade out to the next day.

[arachni42]

I'll take a stab at it... lines from your draft are in italics.

"One year can be an awfully long time. Long enough for the whole world to turn upside down."
This is an okay start, but not terribly original. Try to think of something interesting. Don’t be afraid to make it something that’s not immediately relevant. For example, in the Haruhi Suzumiya anime, the main character could have said something like, “When I went to high school, I never imagined I would meet such a weird girl. Everything I knew was turned upside down.” Instead, the beginning is, “Okay. Asking somebody how long they believed in Santa Claus is so stupid, you can't even consider it a topic suitable for idle conversation. But if you still want to know how long I believed in some old fat guy who wears a funky red suit, I can tell you this: I've never believed in him, ever.” He continues for a minute with thoughts of how exciting the world would be if aliens, time-travelers, and espers actually existed, but how he accepts the world as ordinary. “And that’s when I met her.” (A full transcript is here: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Melanc ... iya_Part_1)
This opening is more roundabout, but introduces background information about the character, gives insight into his thought processes, and also establishes that this girl he meets is significant, leading you to wonder why.

There are many different approaches to openings. Here are some links that discuss them, and they have a lot of examples:
http://io9.com/5027128/great-opening-se ... ce-fiction
http://io9.com/5814687/the-7-types-of-s ... your-story

"It all began in early June, 2015. The three of us were hanging out at a bar together after graduation. Just me, Izzy, and Hannah, waiting for Aaron to show up."
This is… functional. But again, there is opportunity here to establish voice, character, social dynamics, etc. For example, imagine what it would be saying if that last part were, “Just me, Izzy, and Hannah. I wish. We were waiting for that jerk to show up.” You could even expand on it a little, showing what Jack thinks of his feelings. For example, he could go on to say:
“I’m going to sound like the clichéd overprotective brother here where no guy is good enough, but Aaron has rubbed me the wrong way since day one.”
-or-
“I can’t believe my sister’s still dating him after all the fights they’ve had. She’s so reasonable when it comes to other things.”
Or whatever, those are just random ideas.

"When Hannah told us to say "cheese", I don't think she meant "pull the cheesiest expression humanly possible"."
This is good – it gives the character more life and shows her annoyance.

"Hannah and Isabella had been best friends since they were young, Hannah being the bubbly one of the pair.”
Consider moving the “best friends since they were young” info to the previous narration where you introduced them so that it doesn’t break up the flow of dialog here. The “bubbly” comment probably won’t be necessary if you make her dialog sound… well, bubblier. Right now she doesn’t seem particularly bubbly.

Hannah
"Sorry Izzy, but I'm siding with your brother this time."
You should edit this to demonstrate her bubbliness. Think about things like word choice, what vocabulary she would use, and what thoughts/feelings are involved. (I imagine a “bubbly” person as very optimistic and excited. Would she really say “sorry” here? After all, it seems Izzy is raining on the parade. I imagine her saying something like, “Yeah Izzy, where’s your spirit?? Your brother’s right, this is a celebration! You should be happy!”)

Isabella
"I'm happy, don't get me wrong, but there's also a lot on my mind, too. This is where life really begins. Job hunting in particular is going to be rough."
I wouldn’t start this sentence with “I’m happy, don’t get me wrong” unless happy was mentioned in a previous sentence (it’s a conversational flow thing). Depending on what kind of voice you want for her, she might say “Sorry, there’s a lot on my mind,” or a little bit more casual “Sorry, I’m really stressed out,” and possibly a little more defensive, “Look, I’m stressed out, okay?”
“This is where life really begins. Job hunting in particular is going to be rough” is a rather formal in tone for someone hanging out with friends at a bar, especially when stressed out. It would be more conversational to say, “We’re in the real world now. But I have no idea what I’m doing! Am I really going to be able to get a job?” Alternatively, a formal tone could be part of her character/voice, as long as it’s a conscious choice on your part.

Hannah
"Sure, but at least you'll be doing so armed with a BA. With distinction, no less."
Sorry, “doing so armed with a BA” doesn’t sound very bubbly!
It might help to imagine the voice of a bubbly person you know when writing lines for Hannah, just to help you visualize how a bubbly person might say something. Maybe, “Lighten up, you’ll find one! You’ve got a BA! With distinction!”
Also, this may just be me, but it feels strange to talk about a BA in this context. A BA is the “normal” college degree, and a BS is the “better” normal college degree. I would more readily imagine someone saying “But you have a master’s!” I dunno, a BA doesn’t feel very prestigious among college degrees. (Maybe it’s just that I can’t help but be reminded of Avenue Q. “What do you do with a B.A. in English?”
Actually, if Isabella is feeling apprehension about graduating, depending on how cynical she’s feeling it could be a song she relates to. It’s a pretty common feeling. You could look it up for inspiration.

Isabella
"It wasn't really that difficult. Even Jack could have done it if he'd spent more time studying and less time getting into trouble.”
I think the jab at Jack works well, because we are told they push each other’s buttons. So did Jack just get an Associate’s? But then, he is graduating at the same time as them? I am not sure what the situation is here.

"Isabella, has always been a very focused, very determined person.
Show, don’t tell. This is already hinted at by Izzy’s jab at Jack. You can follow it up with something he says or a comment as narrator (or both)… try to make it show the difference in their values. (Since, that is the source of the conflict, after all.) He goes on to say they push each other’s buttons… so have them push each other’s buttons.

Jack
"Anything more than a pass is just being greedy.”
Yeah, on the scale of insults, this is like a 3. It should probably be like 7 or 8. “Greedy” is kind of a weird word to use in this context; I’d go with “wasted effort,” “needless work,” “useless,” “dumb,” something along those lines. They should probably go back and forth a few times before Hannah steps in.

Hannah
"I'm happy for you guys, really. I know you've both worked really hard to get this far. Now the world is your oyster.”
If you do the button-pushing thing, she may need to be a little more assertive when she steps in, ie. “You’ve both worked really hard to get this far! The world is your freakin’ oyster now!” Also, think about what her values are, and if she is feeling anything in particular? Is she nervous about herself, as well? Or is she seriously optimistic? Does she envy them at all?

Isabella
"Yeah. I'm happy, of course. It's just that...”
I imagine she’s a bit more annoyed at this point. Try to show this in how she speaks. For example, she might go with shorter (more snippy) sentences. And do you think she’d say that she is happy? She doesn’t seem happy.

Isabella
"He said he'd be here soon. I'm not really sure what's going on with him lately. He's been a bit distant.”
If she’s so antsy, I would imagine her saying something a little more direct, “He should be here by now!” More impatient, like “I have no idea what’s going on with him lately.” Again, think about ways to express the emotion.

"I'll never know what she saw in him. Aaron had been Isabella's boyfriend since high school, but it was often rocky between them. Something about that guy rubbed me up the wrong way, right from day one. This was our celebration and I certainly didn't need him around to make it awkward.”
Some of this stuff can be established earlier, when Jack mentions that they’re waiting for him. But this is probably a good place to continue his train of thought on this guy. “I’ll never know what she saw in him” sounds a little bit passive; I think something more direct here would work better: “What did she see in him?” And instead of tentative statements like “it was often rocky between them,” go for exaggerated statements like “it was always rocky between them.” “This was OUR celebration. He had no right to be here anyway!”
Think of a scene like this as a symphony… it may start quiet, but over time it builds up, louder and more involved, into a crescendo. You want to try to do this with the emotions. At the beginning of the scene, Jack may be irritated and negative about Aaron… worried about things like feeling “awkward.” But as he’s looking back at this, telling us what happened, he’s going to get more and more angry and emotional. He will have more conviction (because he knows now 100% that something bad came of this), and may have some regret mixed in. Keep this in mind during the editing process, too – you may end up writing some statements that are too amped up too early (like “he had no right to be here,” even though I just suggested it, might be too strong at this point)… but some copying and pasting can put them into ascending order. ^_^

Hannah
"Don't worry, I can ask him to wait if you haven't returned by then. Want me to watch your drink?"
“…if you’re not back by then” would be a more casual tone.

Hannah
"No problem. Take your time.”
Consider slang, like “No prob.”

A prime example of the butterfly effect, if I had to give one.”
I kind of disagree about the previous suggestion. Yeah, there are plenty of examples of the butterfly effect, but “if there ever was one” (“if there ever were one”) is a really common phrasing. To me, “if I had to give one” sounds a bit awkward. “A prime example of the butterfly effect” period would also be fine.

"I thought it was odd that Hannah wasn't there when I returned.
More casual voice: “when I got back.” Unless, again, Jack’s voice is supposed to be, by conscious choice, formal.

"I remember that moment so clearly, even now. All the sound from the bar seemed to fade away. All my focus was on those two, as my hands tightened into fists. I had no idea that this moment would be the catalyst for so much change.”
Firstly, think about moving this paragraph before the mention of kissing. The player might still put two and two together, but it still builds suspense about what exactly has happened that set everything off. It also allows the player to really feel Jack’s reaction first. In a story, a reaction can be more powerful than an actual event. Let the player feel the impact of the moment before seeing what it is, because it’s the impact that’s important to the rest of the story.
The sound fading away and the hands tightening to fists are both good details. They help to show (rather than tell) that Jack remembers the moment clearly. Expand on this. You can drop the sentence about remembering clearly (because it’ll be shown by the details), and also the sentence “I had no idea…” because the setup has already been done – we know that this changes everything. Focus on the moment. Focus on it with a microscope.
(Or, if you’re not 100% confident about your setup after you’ve revised the earlier stuff, another technique is to have a paragraph before this that foreshadows the fact that we’re about to see the Big Moment. Something in more general terms, to the effect of “It’s amazing how things that completely change your life happen so suddenly…” or some such. THEN focus on the moment with a microscope. Then show us what he actually saw.)

Jack
"None of my business? Seriously? What about my sister?”
“Seriously” is a good addition – it sounds conversational.

Aaron
"What she doesn't know won't hurt her. She's not going to believe you over me anyway, so piss off.”
It feels somewhat reckless that they did this in a public place – which is fine and totally believable, but I’m not sold on “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” as if Aaron believes she isn’t going to find out now. Meh. Maybe focus on and expand upon the “piss off” stuff.

"Something inside snapped. All the years of drama he'd put my sister through had finally reached a boiling point.”
We’ve got these hints of drama that has gone on with Izzy/Aaron, and it’s good to have some mystery and all, but I think there’s a little too little to go on. Did they just get into fights? Was there verbal abuse? Physical abuse? Did they break up and get back together a lot or have they been dating this whole time? Is there actually not so much wrong but Jack is biased? I wouldn’t expect to know the details at this point, but I think I should have a little bit more of an idea of why Jack has reached a “boiling point.” Just hints, like, “all those nights she came to me crying” or something. Don’t be afraid to repeat “all those years” a couple times.
This sentence itself probably doesn’t need to change as long as you expand on previous paragraphs previous where Jack comments about Aaron.

Aaron
"That's it. I've had enough. Stay the hell away from me, both of you.”
It would add more flavor if he were a bit spooked by Jack’s “sudden” aggression. Like, “S-stay the hell away from me, man! You’re crazy!” Another option would be indignance, like “WTF, I told you to piss off! You’re lucky I’m not in a bad mood tonight, or you’d be on the ground in a second! Now get the hell away from me!” Or whatever… in any case, though, think about the things that might be going through Aaron’s head right now.
Revving his car in a childish rage is a good detail.

Jack
"When I came out of the bathroom, I went to look for her, and I saw the two of them making out.”
Jack just punched a guy. I would expect something a little harsher, like “they had their tongue down each other’s throats.” Of course, it would be harsh on Hannah, too. But if he’s worried about that, I could imagine he’d say, “Why don’t you ask her?” and put Hannah on the spot.

Isabella
"You're so dead, Jack. I'm going to try find Aaron and try to calm him down. After that, I'm coming for your head.”
Given how upset she is supposed to be, this is kind of meh. I mean, coming for Jack’s head is a strong statement at all, but I feel like the whole thing lacks the sense of urgency I would expect her to have, particularly the middle sentence. She’s going to “try” to find Aaron, and “try” to calm him down? As opposed to, “I’ve got to find Aaron and calm him down!” Or, more formally, “I need to track down Aaron and rectify this!” Or “I’m going to locate Aaron, and once I do, you better pray to God I can contain the situation!”
It does make me wonder what she does sees in Aaron, after all?

Isabella
"You hit him over something petty like that? You're out of your mind!
Expand/rearrange a bit. I’d recommend starting with “You’re out of your mind!” Then “you hit him…,” or you could also say “I can’t believe you hit…” or “What kind of person hits…” “…over something petty like that?” Does she have any skepticism about this answer? If she does, she should show it.

Jack
"Well, I'll be very surprised if things are going to be going smoothly between them after tonight. Isabella will need a shoulder to cry on, and I'm pretty sure she'll want it to be the shoulder of her best friend, not the jerk who just decked her boyfriend.”
The thought here is a little complicated. I get it, but I had to pause and think about it. Maybe divide it up into more sentences? Also, it’s honestly not the first thing I would have expected him to say to Hannah, seeing as how he lost his temper enough to punch Aaron. I would expect him to show his anger/frustration first (ie. “how dare you betray her”), and then go into the more pragmatic “she’ll need a shoulder to cry on.” That’s what I would expect…. now, I will say that a character doesn’t need to always do things the way a player expects. In fact, it’s often more interesting if they don’t. HOWEVER, it can be harder to pull it off. So, if you want to portray Jack as a guy who stays practical in a situation like this, that’s okay, but you need to think about it consciously and add more hints to it. (For example, maybe he didn’t just reach a boiling point with Aaron, but he couldn’t help but think about practical consequences, such as Izzy having to find out, or Aaron not wanting to come back… I mean, he would have been wrong about the value of the practical consequences, but he could have been thinking about them. On the other hand, if he simply reached a boiling point, I think that’s a pretty common and relatable thing, but he’d be more likely to snap at Hannah. Or, maybe he reached a boiling point, but he’s able to focus enough on the “greater good” here to not show anger at Hannah at first…. but it would make more sense if you showed something to that effect in his thought process.)
(also, “are going to be going” is wordy)

Hannah
"I know, you're right. The three of us have spent so much time together and things just kind of started to happen at a party one night.
For what it's worth, I truly am sorry.”
Jack
"Whatever.
Wait, this isn’t the first time? Well damn, I sure don’t expect Jack to respond to that with “whatever,” unless he has a particularly unusual way of displaying/feeling emotion. I think they need a little more back-and-forth before it’ll come to that…. or, if he doesn’t feel like arguing, cold silence… but something where he’s struggling with his emotions.

I do I think that by the end, you’ve established that this ends up being life-changing event… but we don’t know why yet. And that’s okay. This may be a good place for foreshadowing what comes next or what some of the consequences are. It sounds like it sets into motion a chain of events. Hints can help build suspense.

Also, if you imbue the dialogue with dramatic purpose, it won't seem info-dumpy or filler-y. Think of your goal as to build a conflict and build the characters, because this is what engages readers. You need to get background information in there because it's necessary to the story, but always remember that you're telling a story.

And... that’s about it. I've tried to give lots of examples, because that's how I learn best, too. I hope this has been helpful!

[TrickWithAKnife]

Wow, this is wonderful. I'm about halfway so far. Going to read through many times and hopefully when I get home from work I can apply what I've learnt to the scene.

I really appreciate the advice I've recieved from everyone. I try to use what I'm learning on this scene, but of course not everything. I'm also applying the improvements to the rest of my writing as well.

[TrickWithAKnife]

Latest version is here.