Introduction of my current project,please critique.

[basuquero]

I'm currently working on a Yume nikki X .flow X yume 2kki visual novel,i made a little introduction for the mc,and i want to know if it's okay(it's my first project)
Since english is not my main language feel free to correct my grammar.

[

"I woke up because i heard someone screaming,that's what i remember."

"Who? i still wonder"

"As i opened the door of my \"room\" the smell of fresh blood hitted me"

"It was dark,really dark so i couldn't see anything"

"Yet i knew there was someone there"
" "She" was just there,staring into space"

"Then "she" noticed me,her smiled pierced through my soul"

"That thing wasn't human,at least not anymore."

"I suddenly froze,i couldn't move or scream,so i just..."

"laughed"
"As she moved closer to me i catched a glimpsed of her eyes"

"The eyes of a child,pure,she really had no bad intentions"
"She didn't even knew what she was doing"

"I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her"
"Was i going to end up like her someday?"
"Then she bited me,the pain somehow forced me to react and i pushed her back with all my strenght"
"And that was it,i really don't remember much about it"
"After that incident the goverment had to talk about the disease"

" "Rust" ,a disease that degenerates both the body and the mind"

"Those that have it(mostly children) slowly go mad,they body starts to itch everywhere"
"They try to make it better by scratching,but that doesn't help"
"They just end up scratching their whole faces or arms"
"In the end they just aren't human"
"Just wild animals"
"Of course the goverment didn't called them animals"
"But they still treated those that had the disease as if they were"
"The "Rust Research Facility " or just R.R.F was where the infected were before the incident"
"And that's the place where i used to live,as one of their test subjects"
"I only lived there for three months but the psychological scars will last forever"
"One good day they discovered a"Cure" ,of course it wasn't cheap,or completely effective..."
"Yet i decided to start a treatment with that "Cure" "
"And so time passed"

Here i change the scene

???:
"Noah-san,Noah-san,please wake up."

???:
"Noah-san you're gonna be late."

Noah:
"....Hnng."

Nurse:
"WAKE UP!!!"

Noah:
"Woah,what's wrong!.?"


Nurse:
"*Sigh*You're gonna be late."
Noah:
"Oh crap,you should have woken me up before!."

"She sighed,while seeing some papers."


Nurse:
"....You should be fine from now on,come next week for a
check up,just in case."

Inner noah:
"So NOW you're nice to me,huh?"

Noah:
"...Got it,thanks for everything."

Inner Noah:
"I'll never come here again "

[Zenithal]

Well, I'll start by saying that it's quite obvious that English isn't your first language. Pretty much every sentence has at least one mistake in it, though most of them are of the same kind. So I think you should definitely find someone who's willing to edit out all your mistakes, if you're serious about making this VN. I don't have too much time right now, but I'll try to point out most of the mistakes I found.

First, you missed a lot of capitals. In English, 'I' is always in upper case. Also, if you start a new sentence, start it with a capital letter. If you end a sentence, end it with a period (or question or exclamation mark).
After a comma, always type a space, then you can continue with the next word.
The rest of your errors consist mostly of grammar mistakes. Past tense of 'to catch' is 'caught', not 'catched'. Past tense of 'to bite' is 'bit'. Past tense of 'to hit' is 'hit'.

Other than the mistakes though, it's not badly written. It's somewhat intriguing. Though I recommend you expand a bit on the effects of the disease. The jump from them scratching their arms and faces to them suddenly not being human anymore is a bit too much. I'd explain just a bit more there.

If you want, I could take another look at it tomorrow, when I have more time, to properly get rid of all the mistakes. Just let me know if you'd like that. It's been a while since I did any real writing, but I should still be fairly good at it.

[basuquero]

Well, I'll start by saying that it's quite obvious that English isn't your first language. Pretty much every sentence has at least one mistake in it, though most of them are of the same kind. So I think you should definitely find someone who's willing to edit out all your mistakes, if you're serious about making this VN. I don't have too much time right now, but I'll try to point out most of the mistakes I found.

First, you missed a lot of capitals. In English, 'I' is always in upper case. Also, if you start a new sentence, start it with a capital letter. If you end a sentence, end it with a period (or question or exclamation mark).
After a comma, always type a space, then you can continue with the next word.
The rest of your errors consist mostly of grammar mistakes. Past tense of 'to catch' is 'caught', not 'catched'. Past tense of 'to bite' is 'bit'. Past tense of 'to hit' is 'hit'.

Other than the mistakes though, it's not badly written. It's somewhat intriguing. Though I recommend you expand a bit on the effects of the disease. The jump from them scratching their arms and faces to them suddenly not being human anymore is a bit too much. I'd explain just a bit more there.

If you want, I could take another look at it tomorrow, when I have more time, to properly get rid of all the mistakes. Just let me know if you'd like that. It's been a while since I did any real writing, but I should still be fairly good at it.

I imagined i would have that kind of mistakes so I would really appreciate if you did.
About the disease when i said they weren't human anymore it wasn't literal,since their whole bodies are covered with scratches and blood,and their faces where completely beyond recognition they just don't look like humans anymore + their animal like behavior.

[Zenithal]

Sorry for this late response, something came up.

I had already understood that you meant their behaviour when you said they were not human anymore. But I just feel like it would be better if you expanded some on that animal-like behaviour. Now there's just a short mention of it, but it seems like a pretty big deal to me.

Anyway, here's what I made of it. This is still by no means perfect. There are several parts that are a bit... shoddy, I suppose. And also in general it's not particularly coherent. But most, if not all, spelling and grammar errors should be gone. If you want it to be better, then I advise you to either rewrite it yourself, or look for an editor or even a writer who can write it for you.

If you're only making a small fangame, then this kind of writing would actually be good enough, in my opinion. But if you're serious about this, then it's definitely lacking.

"I woke up because I heard someone screaming, that's what I remember."

"Who? I still wonder."

"As I opened the door of my \"room\" the smell of fresh blood hit me."

"It was dark, really dark, so I couldn't see anything."

"Yet I knew there was someone there."

" "She" was there, just staring into space."

"Then "she" noticed me. Her smile pierced through my soul."

"That thing wasn't human, or at least not anymore."

"I suddenly froze, I couldn't move or scream, so I just..."

"laughed."

"As she moved closer to me, I caught a glimpse of her eyes."

"The eyes of a child, pure, she really had no bad intentions."

"She didn't even know what she was doing."

"I couldn't help feeling sorry for her."

"Was I going to end up like her someday?"

"Then she bit me. The pain somehow forced me to react and I pushed her back with all my strenght."

"And that was it. I really don't remember much about it."

"After that incident the goverment had to talk about the disease."

""Rust", a disease that degenerates both the body and the mind."

"Those that have it (mostly children) slowly go mad. Their body starts to itch everywhere."
"They try to make it better by scratching, but that doesn't help."
"They just end up scratching their whole faces or arms."
"In the end they aren't human anymore."
"Just wild animals."

"Of course the goverment didn't called them animals."
"But they still treated those that had the disease as if they were."
"The "Rust Research Facility" or just R.R.F. was where the infected were before the incident."
"And that's the place where I used to live, as one of their test subjects."
"I only lived there for three months, but the psychological scars will last forever."
"One good day, they discovered a "Cure", of course it wasn't cheap, or completely effective..."
"Yet, I decided to start a treatment with that "Cure"."
"And so time passed."



Scene change:

???:
"Noah-san. Noah-san, please wake up."

???:
"Noah-san, you're gonna be late."

Noah:
"... Hnng."

Nurse:
"WAKE UP!!!"

Noah:
"Woah! What's wrong!?"

Nurse:
"*Sigh* You're gonna be late."

Noah:
"Oh crap, you should have woken me up before!"

"She sighed as she was looking at some papers."

Nurse:
"... You should be fine from now on, but come by next week for a
check up, just in case."

Inner noah:
"So NOW you're nice to me, huh?"

Noah:
"... Got it, thanks for everything."

Inner Noah:
"I'll never come here again."