Roz's Writing Corner [Prompts/Critique welcomed]

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
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Rozume
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Roz's Writing Corner [Prompts/Critique welcomed]

#1 Post by Rozume »

Hi guys! I thought I'd make a writing thread for my writing. I'm trying to get in the habit of writing more often, since I don't write as much as I would like.

Anyway, here's something I wrote for a friend. It's something for the webcomic he's going to make. It's raw and unedited, so expect some errors:
Alicia yawned as her group of so-called 'friends' were gossiping among each other about the latest and newest spring fashions, the latest and newest boy bands, and the latest and newest celebrity scandals. Frequently, they would address Alicia for her opinion on those things, to which she would just nod and smile and say a simple yet satisfactory "mmhmm, yes, of course." After they had her input, group would continue their mindless chatter, and Alicia would continue rolling her eyes in the back of her head.

Alicia let out a silent sigh as she leaned against her locker. Boring, she thought. Another boring, mindless day. She almost regrets skipping class; at least, she would of have something useful to do.

Then she heard heavy footsteps down the hallway and her ears perked. Turning her head, she caught sight of another girl their age playing some form of hopscotch with the black and white tiled floor of the high school.

Alicia scoffed at the sight, "It's that new kid, Wolf Girl."

The Wolf Girl had a name, of course, but that name escaped her like all the other names of People Deemed Not Important Enough. However, excluding the teachers, almost everyone called her Wolf Girl due to the fact that she always wore wolf ears and a tail ever since she came to school.

Alicia watched the Wolf Girl nimbly jumped from one tile to the other. If she remembered correctly, she heard from someone somewhere saying that her ears and tail are real and that she's also part wolf and have been raised by wolves.

What nonsense. Only in movies and books can people be raised by animals.

However.

There was definitely something strange about Wolf Girl. Aside from her ears and tail. She would barely talk, except for teachers and her one friend (whose name also escapes her), and when she did she would talk in brief sentences. She would also walk funny too, taking small, wobbly steps on both feet. And the way she ate? She would devour her food, tearing it apart, until there was no more.

"What a freak," she heard one girl from the group say, Yvette (or whatever), voicing her thoughts. "Why does she have to go to this school? Don't they have a school for freaks like her?"

"I bet," Alicia said, keeping her eye on the Wolf Girl. Then she started walking towards her.

"Hey, Alicia, where are you going?" another one from the group asked.

"Where do you think I'm going?" Alicia said as she continued walking towards Wolf Girl. Once she and her friends was a meter away from her, the Wolf Girl started growling at them.

"She really is a wolf!" a third girl from the group said as she backed away.

"She just wants to scare us," Alicia said, stepping forward. "Hey Wolf Girl, where's your friend?"

The Wolf Girl frowned. "Not here," she said in a whisper.

"Not here?" Alicia repeated, "Aw, what a shame."

The Wolf Girl didn't catch the sarcasm in her tone and continued with what she was doing.

"Let's go, Alicia," she heard someone say, "If we stay here longer we might catch rabies."

"I can handle it," Alicia said.

"You're kidding," Yvette said and Alicia waved the group off with a dismissive hand. At the sight of that, the group scattered.

"Hey Wolf Girl," Alicia said again, getting the girl's attention. She pointed to her tail, which was moving side to side, "Is that real?"

The Wolf Girl glanced at Alicia with wide eyes and tilted her head to the side.

Alicia tapped her foot, and said in an irritated voice, "I'm going to repeat myself one more time: is that real?"

The Wolf Girl shrugged her shoulders and continued jumping on tiles.

Alicia stared at the Wolf Girl's tail, which still move side to side. How can that tail move on its own? She must know.

As if she was compelled to do it, she grabbed Wolf Girl's tail. There was a loud yelp and before Alicia knew it, she was being dragged halfway across the school with Wolf Girl's tail in hand.

With Wolf Girl still attached to the tail.

"Huh, is it superglued on?" Alicia said to herself as she ran with Wolf Girl outside of the school, her tail still in hand. Then the Wolf Girl started spinning in circles, but this made Alicia grip on to the tail even harder.

"Let go!" The Wolf Girl barked at her, "Let go!"

But for some reason, Alicia didn't let go. Instead she let herself be dragged into the street, across town, through the dirt and mud, trying to keep up with Wolf Girl's abnormal pace.

"Are you part Wolf?!" Alicia asked the Wolf Girl.

"Let go!!" The Wolf Girl ran towards a lake and when Alicia caught sight of it she finally let go. But the Wolf Girl continued to run, not noticing that Alicia had let go, and jumped into the lake, making a big splash behind her.

"Help!!" The Wolf Girl shouted as she struggled in the lake and Alicia jumped in the lake to save her. If Wolf Girl dies, everyone's going to blame her and she didn't want that. She swam towards the Wolf Girl, whose head was slowly submerging in water, and carried the girl on her back. Or at least tried to. The Wolf Girl tried jumping on her as she gasped for air.

"Wolf Girl, stay calm! I'll get us out of here!" Alicia said but the Wolf Girl didn't hear her. Instead, she was dragging both of them down.

"Stop it!" She screamed, "I'm trying to save your life!"

This calmed the Wolf Girl down. Somewhat. She was still trying her best to stay on top of Alicia, but at least Alica could move. Alicia started swimming to the surface.

When they finally got to the surface they got off of each other and layed on the ground, heavily breathing, staring at the blue sky above them.

They glanced at each other, neither of them saying a word.

Finally, it was Alicia who started speaking: "You're a hell of a lot of trouble, Wolf Girl."

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miraiparasol
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Re: Roz's Writing Corner [Prompts/Critique welcomed]

#2 Post by miraiparasol »

Grammar wise, there are points where you shift tenses. Stick to one tense.

Overall the writing is good if you're doing an outline for a comic of some sort of graphic novel. It states the actions and it's nice, concise and clear.

In the sense of writing for a novel, there is some work that could be done. Adding detail, adjectives, all that rhetoric you were taught in school will add color and personality to your writing.

the last thing I have to say concerns the scene and the happening of things. It seems a bit unlikely someone would go to such lengths to get a question asked. It almost feels a bit pointless in asking. If it were a more important dire question, I could understand she would go to such measures. Then again that is just an opinion and I'm unaware of Alica's personality.

oh and also I was confused who was speaking when you wrote " 'stop it!' she screamed...."

other than that you're off to a good start!

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Rozume
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Re: Roz's Writing Corner [Prompts/Critique welcomed]

#3 Post by Rozume »

Thanks for the feedback! And yeah, I have trouble sticking to one tense. I'll work on that. ^^

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