In need of some feedback/tips

[Gambit74]

Okay, so I am currently writing my story script in Google drive before I transfer them over to my project (mostly because I don't have my project set up yet, and also because I want to be able to share just the story with my friends who are interested in reading it) and I'm in need of feedback and tips. Because writing dialogue is my weakest point, I want other people's input on how I should write certain scenes or what I can improve on. If more details about what's going on are necessary, I will be happy to provide them.

Here is the link to a copy of my doc:
Rough draft copy of Chapter 1

What I have so far for this chapter is that the protagonist's uncle is taking him back to his house in Woodenberg, a remote forest town somewhere in Rural America.

The protagonist is a rising novelist who is trying to gather ideas and research data for his new book, so he decides that a visit to the sleepy little town is the best way for him to get a feel for what he wants to write about. On their way there, his uncle briefs him in on the strange things that have been happening in Woodenberg as of late, and for him to be careful. Skeptical, he chalks it up to baseless rumors.

Upon their arrival at his uncle's house, he meets with his relatives, whom he hasn't seen in three years. The four of them all go out to eat at a restaurant, where two of the heroines of the story are introduced. The family decides to do a bit of catching up before eating. Once they are done with dinner, they go back home to rest for the night. While the protagonist puts his younger cousin to sleep, she mumbles something about the owls.

Later as he slept, the protagonist has a nightmare about a burning building, causing him to wake up feeling very thirsty. Right before getting out of bed, he hears the owls sing, causing him to feel a little paranoid. He makes his way to the kitchen, and as he's getting a cup, he sees a pale woman with glowing green eyes, roaming the forest outback at the brink of dawn. Having caused a ruckus at the sight of this, the protagonist accidently wakes his younger cousin, who enters the kitchen to check on him. After they clean the mess the protagonist had made, his cousin reveals to him more details about the sinister events that his uncle had spoken of earlier. And thus, the actual story begins.

[ArachneJericho]

You need to reduce your dialogue to the salient points of the story. There's too much filler dialogue; it is "natural" but it is also not the most exciting stuff to read.

Salient points are:

1. Further the plot
2. Develop the characters

When I go back over my dialogue (or any story text) to edit it, I cut anything that doesn't do #1 or #2, and I also try to make things that do only #1 or #2 actually do both.

[Ran08]

Hey~

I think it's pretty much okay. I'm not perfect in any way, but... I just have a few comments.

1. You don't need to put a description for every dialogue. Or even if you do have a description, make sure they sound different enough from each other so they won't seem repetitive. For example, this part...

“Hi, Mila!” I rub her head gently. “Wow, you’ve gotten really big!”
“Hey there,” the young man stretches his arm out.
“Hey, Nathan. Long time no see,” I shake his hand.

That could get a bit tiresome after a while, I think. It could be something like...

“Hi, Mila!” I rub her head gently. “Wow, you’ve gotten really big!”
Her bright blue eyes sparkle as she smiles at my compliment.
The young man comes up to me and stretches his arm out. “Hey there.”
“Hey, Nathan. Long time no see,” I chuckle, shaking his hand.

Hahahaha, something like that. I really don't know what I was doing though. Hahaha. Just don't use the same order of words in quick successions because it could get pretty redundant. (I rub, he stretches, I shake.) Put other words in between.

When describing the characters, you don't always have to say, "The young man with brown shaggy hair is wearing a white collar t-shirt with grey sweatpants. The little girl with long black hair is dressed in a pinkish white blouse with a long pink skirt." You can describe them in other ways. Maybe make her long black hair sway with the wind? Or make your character notice how cute her pinkish white blouse and long pink skirt outfit is. Hahaha. Showing is better than telling.

2. Err, don't always use the same words over and over again, especially in the same sentence or paragraph. I notice that you have a thing for "says". Again, it has something to do with redundancy. There are a lot of words that can mean pretty much the same thing as "says," or you can just omit it for longer dialogues. Like I said in number 1, you don't have to write "he says, I reply, he says, I reply" in every conversation the characters have. ^^

3. There were some awkward wordings, haha, but a quick proofreading/editing will fix those minor stuff. Story-wise, the story is alright. ^^ It's pretty interesting. Hahaha.

[Gambit74]

Okay, so I've taken your guys' advice and finally finished with the chapter. Do you guys mind going over it again and see if I should improve/change anything else?