Looking for constructive criticism on a short scene

[sempersapiens]

I'm working on a visual novel about a young woman who's unsure about what to do with her life, and her experience transferring to a new college. I wrote the first scene of it last night (in regular story format rather than VN format because I find it easier to write that way), but it doesn't feel right yet and I could use some help. When the story starts, the 20-or-so-year-old main character has been spending the past year living with her mother and not doing much, but I don't want her to come across as an immature loser - more as someone who's just been having a hard time adapting to growing up. Also, the sentence, "The question hangs in the air like this July’s blanket of humidity," sounds awkward and weird, but I'm not sure how else to get across the imagery I have in mind. If you any ideas for improvement, let me know!

Chapter 1

“Sybil, I think it might be good for you to move out.”

“What?” I set down my cup of tea and search my mother’s expression for a sign that I misheard her.

She bites her lip. “I don’t mean to make you feel like I’m kicking you out, but I just think it would be good for you to go somewhere new. To get out of this . . . funk you’re in.”

I protest, “I’m not in a funk.”

“Honey, you’ve barely left the house in the past year.”

“Don’t exaggerate!” I snap. “I leave the house to run errands and stuff, it’s just that I work from home. It’s not like I’m a hermit.”

“But when was the last time you did anything social? And what about school?”

“I . . . have friends online. And I’ll go back to school when I’m ready, I told you.”

I take a sip of my tea and half-heartedly prod at my omelette.

Mom takes a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking it might be best for you to transfer to a different college for your third year. You might be happier somewhere new, without any reminders of . . .”

She looks away from me, and mirrors my feigned engagement with breakfast.

“So you are kicking me out?” I ask, a small piece of fried egg lodged in my throat.

“Look, there’s this small college called Frost about two hours’ drive away. I’ve seen the campus; it’s beautiful. And they have classes in French. Remember how much you used to like French?”

“That was a long time ago.” I push my chair back from the table. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“Well when do you want to talk about it?” Mom rises to her feet. “When it’s too late to enrol? Or maybe once you’ve spent another year doing nothing?”

“I work!” I shout, standing to join her.

“You work one or two hours a day! You used to go to school, full-time, and you loved it! You could be doing so much more with your life if you weren’t still hung up over some boy!”

“You think that’s what this is?” I ask as I slump back into my chair. “You think I took a year off because of him?”

“Didn’t you?”

The question hangs in the air like this July’s blanket of humidity.

I rest my head in my hands. “I’ll think about it.”

[Tyrantauranox]

I'd consider clipping the comparison to humidity. It sounds weird to me, too- and I live in a place where I can relate to that. "The question hangs in the air" might be enough on its own. Something like: "The question hangs in the air for several moments" might work, too.

The passage looks good, overall- keep writing!

[Mad Harlequin]

"The question hangs in the air like this July’s blanket of humidity,"

Try to avoid cliche phrases like this one. "Questions hanging in air" has been done to death. I'd omit it entirely.

Here are some suggested corrections:

Chapter 1

“Sybil, I think it might be good for you to move out.”

“What?” I set down my cup of tea and search my mother’s expression for a sign that I misheard her.

She bites her lip. “I don’t mean to make you feel like I’m kicking you out, but I just think it would be good for you to go somewhere new. To get out of this . . . funk you’re in.”

I protest,“I’m not in a funk!”

“Honey, you’ve barely left the house in the past year.”

“Don’t exaggerate!” I snap. “I leave the house to run errands and stuff.it’s just that I work from home. It’s not like I’m a hermit.”

“But when was the last time you did anything social? And what about school?”

“I . . . have friends online. And I’ll go back to school when I’m ready. I told you.”

I take a sip of my tea and halfheartedly prod at my omelette.

Mom takes a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking it might be best for you to transfer to a different college for your third year. You might be happier somewhere new, without any reminders of . . .”

She looks down at her plateaway from me, and mirrors my feigned engagement with breakfast.

“So you are kicking me out?” I ask, a small piece of fried egg lodged in my throat.

“Look, there’s this small college called Frost about two hours’ drive away. I’ve seen the campus; it’s beautiful. And they have classes in French. Remember how much you used to like French?”

“That was a long time ago.” I push my chair back from the table. “I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“Well, when do you want to talk about it?” Mom rises to her feet. “When it’s too late to enrol? Or maybe once you’ve spent another year doing nothing?”

“I work!” I shout, standing to join her.

“You work one or two hours a day! You used to go to school, full-time, and you loved it! You could be doing so much more with your life if you weren’t still hung up over some boy!”

“You think that’s what this is?” I ask asI slump back into my chair. “You think I took a year off because of him?”

“Didn’t you?”

The question hangs in the air like this July’s blanket of humidity.

I rest my head in my hands. “I’ll think about it.”

What is probably most important to take away from this is that you generally don't need to tell the reader something is being shouted, snapped, or asked, etc.. The strongest dialogue will make that clear on its own.

[sempersapiens]

What is probably most important to take away from this is that you generally don't need to tell the reader something is being shouted, snapped, or asked, etc.. The strongest dialogue will make that clear on its own.

Thanks, that's a good point! What don't you like about these two lines, though?

She looks away from me, and mirrors my feigned engagement with breakfast.

“So you are kicking me out?” I ask, a small piece of fried egg lodged in my throat.

I felt that they were adding more detail to the scene. I also definitely want to say something in between the mother asking "Didn't you?" near the end and the girl replying, to accentuate the fact that there's a pause there, but I'm not sure what.

[Mad Harlequin]

Thanks, that's a good point! What don't you like about these two lines, though? [...]

I felt that they were adding more detail to the scene. I also definitely want to say something in between the mother asking "Didn't you?" near the end and the girl replying, to accentuate the fact that there's a pause there, but I'm not sure what.

I don't mind the egg line so much now that I look at it again, though I think perhaps it could be rewritten:

"So are you kicking me out?"

A small piece of egg lodged in my throat (add more description as desired).

The other one seems a little overwrought to me. It doesn't seem to fit in with everything else, which is more simply written. But this is just my opinion.

[sempersapiens]

Okay, I see what you mean! Thanks for taking the time to help.

[Mad Harlequin]

No problem! Good luck, and keep writing!