Need some constructive criticism

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
Post Reply
Message
Author
hydroninja9
Newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 3:51 pm
Contact:

Need some constructive criticism

#1 Post by hydroninja9 »

I'm planning on making a visual novel called 2020: The revolution. I wrote this in a normal kindof way and not a visual novel kindof way but i would love to hear constructive criticism. Yes , before someone says anything this is partially inspired by code geass but not a fanfiction or anything like that.


I guess this is the end. I lived my life like the rest. Where did I go wrong? If I am going to die here, is it my fault? My life is meaningless then, just one of the millions who passed through the same system.
A hand grabbed the bag on my head and allowed my eyes to see the light of this world once more, my last time. A flock of people arrived at the scene flashing a wave of red, white, and blue. Anger and hatred permeated the already tense atmosphere. The only thing stopping them from brutally murdering me were the guards that were endowed with an abundance of arms. Maybe in the naivety of my younger years I would have thought that the mob would attempt something but now I know better. These people are only exerting patriotic facets for their own self-serving needs.
As my reflection stared back at me through the guard’s pistol , I remembered why I was here. If I am going to leave this world, so be it. There is no hope for it now nor will there ever be. There was an abrupt halt, the same my heart would receive in a few minutes. The guard whose chest practically shone from his medals got out his pistol and loaded it. I forced my eyes shut. If only I could have another chance. It wouldn’t turn out like this. If only I could…
I opened my eyes , it seems I haven’t ascended to death just yet. Staring at me was a piano black car that exerted radiance. No it was more than that , it was the former president’s car.
The shining metal guard raised his pistol. “Who dares to imitate the president’s transportation? I am Major Custer , I demand to know the name of the terrorist responsible for this.”
A white poster fluttered in the air , its thrower was a man in a white mask and entirely white outfit that matched his thin figure. He stood on the former president’s transport with a confident posture. Lesser men would be frightened of facing 10 guards armed to the brim with guns.
Masked Man- “I am Infinity.”
Custer – “Very well then Infinity , lets end this rude intrusion. But before I kill you , take off your mask.”
Infinity reached out to the brim of his mask as if to pull it off then tapped his foot once. The sound echoed ominously. Custer appeared unfazed until he saw what the sound had brought. Custer’s cool and confidence was quickly replaced by anger and uncertainty. It seems to be an explosive but whatever it is , it must be important.
Infinity – “Now then , do you really want to shoot?” “What do you think would happen if you missed?”
Custer –“ Damn you terrorists. What are your demands?”
Custer whispered into his communication device. “all guards go to Q1”.
Infinity-“ What I want is the man standing right next to you. Nothing more , nothing less.”
Custer –“This man is charged with high treason against his country. The killer of our president is not someone we will ever hand over.”
Infinity-“Custer , with that you are mistaken. The man who killed the president was not the man standing next to you but myself”
Infinity waved his hands in unison with his words. It seems this guy has a flair for dramatics. It’s even reached his audience of patriots in the background. “Kill the damn terrorist” and “Death to infinity” were the shouts of the already agitated crowd.
Custer raised his pistol and aimed for infinity’s head. “For crimes against this country , you shall die. Any last words?”
Infinity- “Careful , you wouldn't want the public to know about Project Blue would you?”
The already pale face of Custer went white at the words “Project Blue”
Custer – “Fine, release the prisoner.”
One of the guards went to undo the chains that bound my hands but stopped .
Custer- “Did you not hear what I said?” “That was an order!”
The guard looked at Custer’s eyes then nodded. I was finally released from deaths clutch and was walked towards Infinity. Infinity jumped down and walked towards me.
Infinity – “Well then , farewell my dear Custer.”
A button press and an explosion accompanied those words. The previously furious crowd immediately turned fearful at the immediate threat on their lives. They scattered at the sound of the explosion like the cowards they are. Custer went prone and tried to fire a few pot shots at Infinity.
I gasped in pain. One bullet hit me in the shoulder. Infinity had disappeared. I was alone in this. The sound of motorcycles graced my presence. My blood continued it flow from the shoulder wound. So this was it then. If I didn't die from blood loss the military reinforcements would get me. I could almost feel deaths grasp pulling my arm.
I tripped over a rock and grazed my knee. A hand reached to me and my hand met its grasp. Its owner was a woman on a motorcycle. So she is my savior after all. I got on the motorcycle and said a solemn goodbye to the chaotic scenery behind me. This was the end , the end of my life as I knew it and the start of something new.

User avatar
Mad Harlequin
Eileen-Class Veteran
Posts: 1068
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:55 am
Projects: Emma: A Lady's Maid (editor)
IRC Nick: MadHarlequin
Location: Gotham City
Contact:

Re: Need some constructive criticism

#2 Post by Mad Harlequin »

You need to capitalize the R in your title. But that's the least of your concerns right now. My suggested revision is below. You'll notice I ended the scene at a certain point. There are a few reasons for that. I don't believe it would be so easy for anyone, let alone the wounded main character, to escape the scene of an explosion, even with help. Secondly, I don't think even Custer, as bold as he seems, would waste time firing a shot at Infinity when there's a bomb going off. Thirdly, the main character bumps into his guardian angel much, much too easily---do try to avoid using the deus ex machina device when it's unhelpful to your story. Most of all, I believe the cutoff point I chose marks the best possible end for a potential "chapter." The goal of the opening of the next "chapter" should be to rescue your protagonist in a believable way. It shouldn't take just a few sentences.

Other thoughts:
  • I don't understand why the main character is apparently to be executed in public by an officer in the United States military. What kind of setting permits such a thing? Is this story dystopian?

    Infinity strikes me as a bit trite, which is why I toned down his behavior and speech. To me he reads like a bad cross between Batman's Anarky and Sherlock's Jim Moriarty.

    Custer is an idiot. But maybe that was intended.

    The main character sounds like a sociopath. He mocks the crowd for being visibly frightened by the explosion, but anybody who isn't either a battle-hardened soldier or insane would be afraid of an explosion.

    Work on your descriptions. EX: Don't tell me that Infinity isn't afraid of the guards---show me.

    The visual novel format removes the need for traditional speaker attributions, but if you're writing out your ideas in prose first, learn how to use them properly. Custer and the President need first names. I'll let you decide what they should be.
I guess this is the end. I am going to die here. I lived my life just like everybody else. Where did I go wrong? If I am going to die here, is it my fault?

A hand removed the bag from my head and I could see people flocking to the scene in a wave of red, white, and blue. The presence of well-armed guards was the only thing keeping me alive. A younger me would have thought that the mob would try to help, but now I know better. These people only embrace patriotism when it suits them.

If I am going to leave this world, I thought, so be it.

Suddenly a reverent quiet fell upon the crowd.A guard covered in military medals loaded his pistol. I shut my eyes. If only I could have another chance . . .

But I felt nothing. There was no pain, and I heard no gunshot. I opened my eyes. Before me sat a radiant black Cadillac---the former president's state car.

Shiny Medals raised his pistol. "My name is Major [insert first name here] Custer. Who's responsible for this?”

A masked man, dressed in white from head to toe, stood confidently atop the former president’s transport.

“I am Infinity,” he said.

“Well, Infinity, I'm afraid your party crashing days are over. Take off your mask.”

Infinity raised a hand to his face, but paused. He tapped his foot once.On cue, a group of Infinity's followers wheeled a large cart into the room. It appeared to be filled with explosives.

“Do you really want to shoot? What do you think would happen if you missed?”

“Damn. What are your demands?” Custer asked.

He whispered into his walkie-talkie. “All guards move to Q1.”

“I want the man standing right next to you,” Infinity said.

“This man is charged with high treason against his country, and with the murder of our president. We're not handing him over!”

"Unfortunately, Major Custer, you have the wrong man. It was I who killed President [insert name here].” He brought a hand to his chest.

The crowd erupted with shouts of "Kill the damn terrorist!" and "Death to Infinity!"

Custer raised his pistol and aimed for Infinity’s head. “For crimes against this country, you shall die. Any last words?”

“Careful. You wouldn't want the public to know about Project Blue, would you?”

Custer blanched.

“Release the prisoner.”

One of the guards moved to free my hands from their shackles, but hesitated.

“Did you not hear what I said? That was an order!”

Custer unlocked the handcuffs and removed them before sending me over toward the Cadillac with two guards.

Then Infinity pulled a tiny remote from his pocket.

Shit! The detonator!

“Goodbye, my dear Major Custer.”

He pushed the button. The resulting explosion bit into the crowd, tearing frightened screams from its throat.
I guess this is the end. I am going to die here. I lived my life like the rest just like everybody else. Where did I go wrong? If I am going to die here, is it my fault? My life is meaningless then, just one of the millions who passed through the same system.

A hand grabbed removed the bag on from my head and allowed my eyes to see the light of this world once more, my last time. I could see flock of people flocking to arrived at the scene flashing in a wave of red, white, and blue. Anger and hatred permeated the already tense atmosphere. The presence of well-armed guards was the only thing stopping them my captors from brutally murdering me were the guards that were endowed with an abundance of arms keeping me alive. Maybein the naivety of my younger years IA younger mewould have thought that the mob would attempt try something, but now I know better. These people are only exerting patriotic facets for their own self-serving needs. only embrace patriotism when it suits them.

As my reflection stared back at me through the guard’s pistol , I remembered why I was here.If I am going to leave this world, I thought, so be it.There is no hope for it now nor will there ever be.

Suddenly a reverent quiet fell upon the crowd., the same my heart would receive in a few minutes.The guard whose chest practically shone from his medals A guard covered in military medals got out his pistol and loaded it. Iforced my eyes shut. shut my eyes. If only I could have another chance . . . It wouldn’t turn out like this. If only I could…

I opened my eyes , it seems I haven’t ascended to death just yet. Staring at me was a piano black car that exerted radiance. No it was more than that , it was the former president’s car.
But I felt nothing. There was no pain, and I heard no gunshot. I opened my eyes. Before me sat a radiant black Cadillac---the former president's state car.

The shining metal guard Shiny Medals raised his pistol. “Who dares to imitate the president’s transportation? I am Major Custer , "My name is Major [insert first name here] Custer.I demand to know the name of the terrorist responsible for this.Who's responsible for this?”

A white poster fluttered in the air, its thrower was A masked man, dressed in white from head to toe, in a white mask and entirely white outfit that matched his thin figure. Hestood confidently on the former president’s transportwith a confident posture.Lesser men would be frightened of facing 10 guards armed to the brim with guns.

Masked Man-“I am Infinity, he said.

Custer –VeryWell then, Infinity,lets end this rude intrusion I'm afraid your party crashing days are over. But before I kill you ,Take off your mask.”

Infinity reached out to the brim of his mask raised a hand to his face,but paused. He tapped his foot once. as if to pull it off then tapped his foot once. The sound echoed ominously. Custer appeared unfazed until he saw what the sound had brought. Custer’s cool and confidence was quickly replaced by anger and uncertainty. It seems to be an explosive but whatever it is , it must be important.
On cue, a group of Infinity's followers wheeled a large cart into the room. It appeared to be filled with explosives.

Infinity – “Now then , dDo you really want to shoot?” “What do you think would happen if you missed?”

Custer –“Damnyou terrorists. What are your demands?”

Custer whispered into his communication device walkie-talkie. “All guards gomove to Q1.”

WhatI wantisthe man standing right next to you. Nothing more , nothing less.,Infinity said.

Custer –“This man is charged with high treason against his country and with the murder of our president. The killer of our president is not someone we will ever hand over. We're not handing him over!

Infinity-"Unfortunately, Major Custer, with that you are mistaken. The man who killed the president was not the man standing next to you but myself you have the wrong man. It was I who killed President [insert name here].” He brought a hand to his chest.

Infinity waved his hands in unison with his words. It seems this guy has a flair for dramatics. It’s even reached his audience of patriots in the background. “Kill the damn terrorist” and “Death to infinity” were the shouts of the already agitated crowd.
The crowd erupted with shouts of "Kill the damn terrorist!" and "Death to Infinity!"

Custer raised his pistol and aimed for Infinity’s head. “For crimes against this country, you shall die. Any last words?”

Infinity-“Careful. You wouldn't want the public to know about Project Blue, would you?”

The already pale face of Custer went white at the words “Project Blue”Custer blanched.

Custer – “Fine, rRelease the prisoner."

One of the guards went moved to undo the chains that bound my hands free my hands from their shackles, but stopped hesitated.

Custer-“Did you not hear what I said?” “That was an order!”

The guard looked at Custer’s eyes then nodded. I was finally released from deaths clutch and was walked towards Infinity. Infinity jumped down and walked towards meCuster unlocked the handcuffs and removed them before sending me over toward the Cadillac with two guards.

Then Infinity pulled a tiny remote from his pocket.


Shit! The detonator!

Well then , farewell, Goodbye, my dear Major Custer.”

A button press and an explosion accompanied those words. He pushed the button.

The explosion bit into the crowd, tearing frightened screams from its throat.previously furious crowd immediately turned fearful at the immediate threat on their lives. They scattered at the sound of the explosion like the cowards they are. Custer went prone and tried to fire a few pot shots at Infinity.

I gasped in pain. One bullet me in the shoulder. But Infinity had disappeared. I was alone in this. The sound of motorcycles graced my presence. My blood continued it flow from the shoulder wound. So this was it then. If I didn't die from blood loss the military reinforcements would get me. I could almost feel deaths grasp pulling my arm.

I tripped over a rock and grazed my knee. A hand reached to me and my hand met its grasp. Its owner was a woman on a motorcycle. So she is my savior after all. I got on the motorcycle and said a solemn goodbye to the chaotic scenery behind me. This was the end , the end of my life as I knew it and the start of something new.
Last edited by Mad Harlequin on Mon Aug 04, 2014 12:15 am, edited 4 times in total.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain

hydroninja9
Newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2014 3:51 pm
Contact:

Re: Need some constructive criticism

#3 Post by hydroninja9 »

I can kindof see what you are saying about Infinity being a bit trite but thats kind of what i wanted him to be.Infinity is supposed to be an over the top character. Yes , Custer is intended to be an idiot (at least for now). I intended for the main char to be a bit pessimistic and anti social but maybe i went too far with that. Ill decide on names later. Wouldn't you not need something like "I thought" because the reader would assume that it wasn't speech without quotes. Hmm , im not keeping the cart thing but the rest of the scene sounds better. Its dystopian in a sense. I forgot to mention that the main char knows that the explosion is just smoke lol. As for the whole dues ex machina thing , the main char mentions that Infinity is a man while his savior is a woman. Thanks for the criticism and the rewrite :)

User avatar
Mad Harlequin
Eileen-Class Veteran
Posts: 1068
Joined: Sun Jul 14, 2013 12:55 am
Projects: Emma: A Lady's Maid (editor)
IRC Nick: MadHarlequin
Location: Gotham City
Contact:

Re: Need some constructive criticism

#4 Post by Mad Harlequin »

hydroninja9 wrote:I can kindof see what you are saying about Infinity being a bit trite but thats kind of what i wanted him to be.Infinity is supposed to be an over the top character.
Well, it's up to you. But if you want people to be invested in your story, you ought to avoid shallow characterization.

Wouldn't you not need something like "I thought" because the reader would assume that it wasn't speech without quotes.

You shouldn't really make assumptions like that. Attributions are used to add variation to the text and make sure the reader knows who is saying or thinking something. Read a good book sometime---perhaps a thriller. You'll notice that when multiple people are talking, the occasional attribution or bit of description keeps things from running together.
Hmm , im not keeping the cart thing but the rest of the scene sounds better. I forgot to mention that the main char knows that the explosion is just smoke lol.
I added the cart because it doesn't make sense for the "explosives" to just appear. I don't believe the main character should know the truth about them, either. Presumably he's just met Infinity. Why would he know anything? I neglected to mention this, but you need to add more detail to your writing in general. Where is this scene set? An open plaza? A shopping mall? Why are the characters gathered there? How far are the "explosives" from the crowd? Where is Infinity relative to Custer and the main character?
As for the whole deus ex machina thing , the main char mentions that Infinity is a man while his savior is a woman.
Huh? I don't care who's a man or a woman. Do you know what deus ex machina plot device does? It introduces a new event, character, or object to resolve a seemingly unsolvable problem. The Latin means "god from the machine," as only a divine figure can so quickly and easily solve a difficult problem. This can be a useful tool when executed correctly. However, in this case, I don't find the sudden appearance of a mystery woman on a motorcycle to be convincing at all. It sounds like you didn't know how to end the scene properly, so you just dumped her there. And if Infinity meant to free the main character for whatever reason, wouldn't he want to secure his safety? I don't think he'd leave him to die. That makes no sense.
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."
— Mark Twain

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users