In need of constructive criticism

[Fenrir34]

Yeah, so I need to know what people think of this writing I did. It's really random, so it's not part of anything really. It's just a basic conversation with a big girl, and her best friend about love. I'd really like some feedback, and am really grateful to those who help

"Naomi shouldn't have had any problems with dating. She was a girl of beauty, intelligence, and kindness. In my eyes, she could get anyone. However, seeing her this way made me feel like I was wrong."

n-"And then the jerk said he was sick of me not putting out! Can you believe that?!"

"I shook my head. With her, it was always best to agree and not argue, though there wasn't anything to disagree about. She was right. David was, and will always be, an A class jerk."

s(Simone)- "You should've just broken up with him long ago. I really hate seeing you like this."

She sighed and put her back against the booth.

n-"Nah, that would've been bad. You know how my mom is when it comes to guys. She wants me to always be dating."

I sighed relieved. Lucky Jen was never like that to me. In fact, her saying to me was that I should always take my time and find the right guy. But for me, waiting was just part of my life when it came to romance.

n-"So, it now looks like I'm back on the market. I wonder where I should go to find a guy."

s-"You shouldn't do that."

n-"What do you mean?"

s- "I just think it's better to wait a bit. This is the third break up for you in the last six months."

Her eyes wavered from me to her glass. Naomi really did have expressive eyes. It made me wonder if she ever wore contacts.

n-"I guess you're right...I should take a break."

She smiled.

n-"Besides, freedom is one thing I need in life, and dating can take that away."

s-"Exactly."

n-"However, though I'm not one to pry, I really think you should try and find someone."

s-"Not this again. I already told you I'm not into the dating scene right now."

n-"You always say that."

s-"Because it's true."

n-"Is it because of what happened back in high school?"

I froze from her words. She knew exactly how to get to me, even if it was on accident."

s-"I-I've forgotten about that."

n-".....I see."

Her tone showed no indication of believing me, and why should she. It was always clear how what happened in high school still affected me. Not only with my social skills, but also with dating.

Don't know if it was because of how I acted, or because I wasn't skinny, but guys have always frayed away from me. I guess as I grew up a part of me decided it would be best to just accept that I wasn't attractive too most. Thinking this was might've been very painful, but it saved me from my depressive states.

s-"You know Naomi, if I had a choice in life to redo an event from my past, I think I would pick the first time I confessed."

n-"Seriously?"

s-"Yeah."

n-"Heh, that's brave of you. I think I would've chosen something more along the lines of when I failed out of math. But why bring this up all of a sudden?"

s-"Don't know. Guess all this talk of dating and school just brought back some bad memories."

n-"...Of him?"

s-"Yeah. The very guy who knew exactly how to tear my heart apart...."

[Mad Harlequin]

I believe my revisions are mostly self-explanatory (I tried to improve clarity and flow, and I added some details), but if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask! Overall, I think you have the beginnings of a decent story here.

Naomi shouldn't have had any problems with dating. She was a girl of beauty, intelligence, and kindness beautiful, intelligent, and kind. In my eyes, she could get anyone. However, But seeing her this way made me feel like I was wrong.

"And then the jerk said he was sick of me not putting out! Can you believe that?!" she asked.

I shook my head. With her, it was always best to agree and not argue, though this time there wasn't anything to disagree about. She was right. David was, and will always be, an A-class jerk.

"You should've just broken up with him long ago. I really hate seeing you like this.," I said.

She Naomi sighed and put her back against leaned back into the booth.

"Nah, that would've been bad. You know how my mom is when it comes to guys. She wants me to always be dating."

I sighed relieved. Luckily Jen was never like that to me. In fact, her saying to me was that she kept saying I should always take my time and find the right guy. But for me, waiting was just part of my love life when it came to romance. (Who is Jen? Did you change Jen to Naomi?)

"So, it now looks like I'm back on the market. I wonder where I should go to find a guy."

"You shouldn't do that."

"What do you mean?" Naomi asked.

"I just think it's better to wait a bit. This is the third breakup for you in the last six months."

Her eyes wavered from me to her glass. Naomi really did have expressive eyes. It made me wonder if she ever wore contacts. (What does this mean? Her eyes would be expressive with or without contacts.)

"I guess you're right...I should take a break.," Naomi said.

She smiled.

"Besides,freedom is one thing I need in life, and dating can take that away I'm free now! I should enjoy it."

"Exactly."

"However, though I'm not one to pry,I really think you should try and find someone, though."

"Not this again. I already told you: I'm not into the dating scene right now."

"You always say that."

"Because it's true.!" I slammed my glass down on the table.

"Is it because of what happened back in high school?"

I frozefrom her words. She always knew exactly how to get to me, even if it was on accident."

"I-I've forgotten about that."

".....I see. Of course you have."

Her tone She showed no indication of believing obviously didn't believe me,. But and why should she.? It was always clear how what happened in high school still affected me. Not only with my social skills, but also with dating.

I D don't know if it was because of how I acted, or because I wasn't skinny, but guys have always frayed away from me. I guess as I grew up, a part of me decided it would be best to just accept that I wasn't considered attractive too most. Thinking this was might've been very painful, but it saved me from my depressive states.

"You know, Naomi, if I had a choice in life to could redo an event from my past, I think I would pick the first time I confessed."

"Seriously?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Heh,. That's brave of you. I think I would've chosen something more along the lines of when I failed not to fail out of math. But why bring this up all of a sudden?"

"I D don't know. I Gguess all this talk of dating and school just brought back some bad memories.," I said.

"...Of him?"

"Yeah. The very guy who knew exactly how to tear my heart apart...."

[Fenrir34]

I believe my revisions are mostly self-explanatory (I tried to improve clarity and flow, and I added some details), but if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask! Overall, I think you have the beginnings of a decent story here.

Naomi shouldn't have had any problems with dating. She was a girl of beauty, intelligence, and kindness beautiful, intelligent, and kind. In my eyes, she could get anyone. However, But seeing her this way made me feel like I was wrong.

"And then the jerk said he was sick of me not putting out! Can you believe that?!" she asked.

I shook my head. With her, it was always best to agree and not argue, though this time there wasn't anything to disagree about. She was right. David was, and will always be, an A-class jerk.

"You should've just broken up with him long ago. I really hate seeing you like this.," I said.

She Naomi sighed and put her back against leaned back into the booth.

"Nah, that would've been bad. You know how my mom is when it comes to guys. She wants me to always be dating."

I sighed relieved. Luckily Jen was never like that to me. In fact, her saying to me was that she kept saying I should always take my time and find the right guy. But for me, waiting was just part of my love life when it came to romance. (Who is Jen? Did you change Jen to Naomi?)

"So, it now looks like I'm back on the market. I wonder where I should go to find a guy."

"You shouldn't do that."

"What do you mean?" Naomi asked.

"I just think it's better to wait a bit. This is the third breakup for you in the last six months."

Her eyes wavered from me to her glass. Naomi really did have expressive eyes. It made me wonder if she ever wore contacts. (What does this mean? Her eyes would be expressive with or without contacts.)

"I guess you're right...I should take a break.," Naomi said.

She smiled.

"Besides,freedom is one thing I need in life, and dating can take that away I'm free now! I should enjoy it."

"Exactly."

"However, though I'm not one to pry,I really think you should try and find someone, though."

"Not this again. I already told you: I'm not into the dating scene right now."

"You always say that."

"Because it's true.!" I slammed my glass down on the table.

"Is it because of what happened back in high school?"

I frozefrom her words. She always knew exactly how to get to me, even if it was on accident."

"I-I've forgotten about that."

".....I see. Of course you have."

Her tone She showed no indication of believing obviously didn't believe me,. But and why should she.? It was always clear how what happened in high school still affected me. Not only with my social skills, but also with dating.

I D don't know if it was because of how I acted, or because I wasn't skinny, but guys have always frayed away from me. I guess as I grew up, a part of me decided it would be best to just accept that I wasn't considered attractive too most. Thinking this was might've been very painful, but it saved me from my depressive states.

"You know, Naomi, if I had a choice in life to could redo an event from my past, I think I would pick the first time I confessed."

"Seriously?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah."

"Heh,. That's brave of you. I think I would've chosen something more along the lines of when I failed not to fail out of math. But why bring this up all of a sudden?"

"I D don't know. I Gguess all this talk of dating and school just brought back some bad memories.," I said.

"...Of him?"

"Yeah. The very guy who knew exactly how to tear my heart apart...."

Thank you so much for the advice. I really needed it . As for your question on Jen, i was referring to her sister. Sorry about that. I didn't make it really clear . And flow is my biggest problem, along with wording. I saw how you made it flow really nicely. I'm trying to do that a lot, but it proves to be very difficult . I always thought that for Vn's it's hard to write like you would for a novel. I'm trying to make my writing better though. Did you think the dialogue and description was okay though?

[sasquatchii]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really needed it . As for your question on Jen, i was referring to her sister. Sorry about that. I didn't make it really clear . And flow is my biggest problem, along with wording. I saw how you made it flow really nicely. I'm trying to do that a lot, but it proves to be very difficult . I always thought that for Vn's it's hard to write like you would for a novel. I'm trying to make my writing better though. Did you think the dialogue and description was okay though?

Once again, Mad Harlequin does an awesome job of editing!! Couldn't have done it better myself

I think the biggest issue with the writing is that there are unnecessary words in some sentences. I noticed that Mad Harlequin just cut out little bits and phrases entirely. One of the tricks of good writing is to get your point across with as few words as possible- so the reader doesn't feel like you're wasting their time.

That being said, I really did like the dialogue! You've got this subtle, emotional conflict going on. Naomi seems to fear being alone, and Simone is struggling to overcome heartbreak left over from her previous relationship. I would definitely keep reading to learn more and see how the characters cope and push forward (hopefully!).

[Mad Harlequin]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really needed it . As for your question on Jen, i was referring to her sister. Sorry about that. I didn't make it really clear . And flow is my biggest problem, along with wording. I saw how you made it flow really nicely. I'm trying to do that a lot, but it proves to be very difficult . I always thought that for Vn's it's hard to write like you would for a novel. I'm trying to make my writing better though. Did you think the dialogue and description was okay though?

You're welcome!

The reason I didn't understand who Jen is is because I hadn't been introduced to her. In this self-contained scene, the reader has no idea who she is, but that should be no problem if she appears elsewhere. Your descriptions were a little thin, but I thought your dialogue wasn't too bad.

Once again, Mad Harlequin does an awesome job of editing!! Couldn't have done it better myself

Oh, you're too kind. I believe I can always improve, but thank you!

I think the biggest issue with the writing is that there are unnecessary words in some sentences. I noticed that Mad Harlequin just cut out little bits and phrases entirely. One of the tricks of good writing is to get your point across with as few words as possible- so the reader doesn't feel like you're wasting their time.

Sophistication is another necessary element in writing. That's the other reason why I trimmed the excess fat, so to speak, and added some necessary speaker attributions to the dialogue. But it's also very important to know how to construct beats, and you need to learn how to do it. Let's look at chapter eight of Self-Editing for Fiction Writers. (I cannot overstate how amazing this book is. To see the examples provided in the chapter, you'll have to pick up a copy.)

Beats are the bits of action interspersed through a scene, such as a character walking to a window or removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes---the literary equivalent of what is known in the theater as "stage business." Usually they involve physical gestures, although a short passage of interior monologue can also be considered a sort of internal beat.

Beats serve a number of different purposes, such as allowing you to vary the pace of your dialogue. And as with interior monologue, it's very easy to interrupt your dialogue so often that you bring its pace to a halt. If good beats come easily to you, you'll be tempted to get carried away with the use of them. Or, you may be using beats to track your emotions, turning the beats into a running commentary on the dialogue.

[...]

Beats are also used to help tie your dialogue to your setting and characters. Beats provide those occasional little bits of imagery that guide your readers' imaginations. And, as with physical description, some writers may overuse beats because they lack confidence [...] When you describe every bit of action down to the last detail, you give your readers a clear picture of what's going on but you also limit their imagination---and if you supply enough detail you'll alienate them in the process [...] Far better to give your readers some hints and then allow them to fill in the blanks for themselves. This pays your readers the compliment of assuming they're intelligent and imaginative, and in a dialogue scene, allows your dialogue to flow more naturally.

Of course, it is possible to err in the other direction and include too few beats. Page after page of uninterrupted dialogue can become disembodied and disorienting after a while, even if the dialogue is excellent.

[...]

How many beats you need depends on the rhythm of your dialogue. Like a piece of good music, good dialogue has an ebb and flow to it. Where you want the tension high [...] pare the beats down to a bare minimum. If you've just had two high-tension scenes in a row, let your readers relax a bit in the next one with some quiet conversation interspersed with pauses (signified by beats.)

[...]

One situation that almost always requires a beat is when your dialogue changes emotional direction---when your character drops a pretense, say, or has a sudden realization in the middle of a line.

[...]

The best way to fine-tune the rhythm of your dialogue, of course, is to read it aloud. Listen for the pauses as you read, and if you find yourself pausing between two consecutive lines, consider inserting a beat at that point.

Knowing where to put your beats is not as important as knowing what beats to insert. Beats do more than control the rhythm of your dialogue. They are also a powerful way to convey your characters. Any good actor knows the importance of body language in projecting a character, and the same holds true in fiction.

[...] Beats can also be pointless, distracting, cliched, or repetitive [...] You want to write beats that are as fresh, as unique, as your characters. No two people cross a room in the same way, and there are as many ways of showing, say, uneasiness as there are situations to make a character uneasy.

Now you see why I added or rewrote a few beats. (You could probably use a few more to build up the tension.) Beats are key to characterization, and they allow writers to solidify characters without relying on a boring block of text that hurts more than it helps.

[Fenrir34]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really needed it . As for your question on Jen, i was referring to her sister. Sorry about that. I didn't make it really clear . And flow is my biggest problem, along with wording. I saw how you made it flow really nicely. I'm trying to do that a lot, but it proves to be very difficult . I always thought that for Vn's it's hard to write like you would for a novel. I'm trying to make my writing better though. Did you think the dialogue and description was okay though?

Once again, Mad Harlequin does an awesome job of editing!! Couldn't have done it better myself

I think the biggest issue with the writing is that there are unnecessary words in some sentences. I noticed that Mad Harlequin just cut out little bits and phrases entirely. One of the tricks of good writing is to get your point across with as few words as possible- so the reader doesn't feel like you're wasting their time.

That being said, I really did like the dialogue! You've got this subtle, emotional conflict going on. Naomi seems to fear being alone, and Simone is struggling to overcome heartbreak left over from her previous relationship. I would definitely keep reading to learn more and see how the characters cope and push forward (hopefully!).

I agree with you there. It's helping me out a lot, and I got to learn more about beats. But yes, that's a super problem for me, unnecessary words. I'm trying to learn that the best I can, and am hoping to get better over time .

Thank you so much. Dialogue has become one of strengths in the last few months. Sadly, this is just an example, but maybe I'll use it in something. Thanks for the kind words

[Fenrir34]

Thank you so much for the advice. I really needed it . As for your question on Jen, i was referring to her sister. Sorry about that. I didn't make it really clear . And flow is my biggest problem, along with wording. I saw how you made it flow really nicely. I'm trying to do that a lot, but it proves to be very difficult . I always thought that for Vn's it's hard to write like you would for a novel. I'm trying to make my writing better though. Did you think the dialogue and description was okay though?

You're welcome!

The reason I didn't understand who Jen is is because I hadn't been introduced to her. In this self-contained scene, the reader has no idea who she is, but that should be no problem if she appears elsewhere. Your descriptions were a little thin, but I thought your dialogue wasn't too bad.

Once again, Mad Harlequin does an awesome job of editing!! Couldn't have done it better myself

Oh, you're too kind. I believe I can always improve, but thank you!

I think the biggest issue with the writing is that there are unnecessary words in some sentences. I noticed that Mad Harlequin just cut out little bits and phrases entirely. One of the tricks of good writing is to get your point across with as few words as possible- so the reader doesn't feel like you're wasting their time.

Sophistication is another necessary element in writing. That's the other reason why I trimmed the excess fat, so to speak, and added some necessary speaker attributions to the dialogue. But it's also very important to know how to construct beats, and you need to learn how to do it. Let's look at chapter eight of Self-Editing for Fiction Writers. (I cannot overstate how amazing this book is. To see the examples provided in the chapter, you'll have to pick up a copy.)

Beats are the bits of action interspersed through a scene, such as a character walking to a window or removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes---the literary equivalent of what is known in the theater as "stage business." Usually they involve physical gestures, although a short passage of interior monologue can also be considered a sort of internal beat.

Beats serve a number of different purposes, such as allowing you to vary the pace of your dialogue. And as with interior monologue, it's very easy to interrupt your dialogue so often that you bring its pace to a halt. If good beats come easily to you, you'll be tempted to get carried away with the use of them. Or, you may be using beats to track your emotions, turning the beats into a running commentary on the dialogue.

[...]

Beats are also used to help tie your dialogue to your setting and characters. Beats provide those occasional little bits of imagery that guide your readers' imaginations. And, as with physical description, some writers may overuse beats because they lack confidence [...] When you describe every bit of action down to the last detail, you give your readers a clear picture of what's going on but you also limit their imagination---and if you supply enough detail you'll alienate them in the process [...] Far better to give your readers some hints and then allow them to fill in the blanks for themselves. This pays your readers the compliment of assuming they're intelligent and imaginative, and in a dialogue scene, allows your dialogue to flow more naturally.

Of course, it is possible to err in the other direction and include too few beats. Page after page of uninterrupted dialogue can become disembodied and disorienting after a while, even if the dialogue is excellent.

[...]

How many beats you need depends on the rhythm of your dialogue. Like a piece of good music, good dialogue has an ebb and flow to it. Where you want the tension high [...] pare the beats down to a bare minimum. If you've just had two high-tension scenes in a row, let your readers relax a bit in the next one with some quiet conversation interspersed with pauses (signified by beats.)

[...]

One situation that almost always requires a beat is when your dialogue changes emotional direction---when your character drops a pretense, say, or has a sudden realization in the middle of a line.

[...]

The best way to fine-tune the rhythm of your dialogue, of course, is to read it aloud. Listen for the pauses as you read, and if you find yourself pausing between two consecutive lines, consider inserting a beat at that point.

Knowing where to put your beats is not as important as knowing what beats to insert. Beats do more than control the rhythm of your dialogue. They are also a powerful way to convey your characters. Any good actor knows the importance of body language in projecting a character, and the same holds true in fiction.

[...] Beats can also be pointless, distracting, cliched, or repetitive [...] You want to write beats that are as fresh, as unique, as your characters. No two people cross a room in the same way, and there are as many ways of showing, say, uneasiness as there are situations to make a character uneasy.

Now you see why I added or rewrote a few beats. (You could probably use a few more to build up the tension.) Beats are key to characterization, and they allow writers to solidify characters without relying on a boring block of text that hurts more than it helps.

Thanks again, and for the info on the whole beat thing. I'll admit they're a bit confusing, but I'm getting them more because my sister is going over them with me. I actually found the beats she wanted me to guess at XD. Glad you told me about this