I'm currently working on my first VN and, although I do have an editor, I'm looking for some extra advice on my dialogue writing. Basically, I'd like some honest opinions on if it flows well, is it intriguing/fun/interesting to read, and if I'm doing it successfully, or does it sounds like I'm just rubbing two rocks together and not getting a spark? After getting all the way to chapter 3, I've started having some creeping doubts about my dialogue, so any advice/critiques/opinions would be much appreciated.
Below will be a snippet from my current project. It will mostly be dialogue between the protagonist (Ellis) and a sub-character (Hugh). The beginning paragraph is just there to help set the scene. They both work together at the same bar, which is where this takes place.
Also note, this is the unedited version so I'm aware it must be riddled with grammar mistakes (I get sidetracked by the actual writing part of it).
On the left was Jack’s office and the employee lounge. I walked into that space and found Hugh standing there, buttoning up his vest. One thing that Jack was a tough enforcer of was the uniform. For everyone it was a pair of black slacks, a white button up shirt with a collar, and an embroidered vest. It was a good look, especially for Hugh. He was in his late 30s and just had a very clean cut look to him, the perfect gentleman type.
“You just going to stand there ogling me all evening, Ellis?”
I chuckled while Hugh remained straight faced, completely absorbed in his buttoning. He was also the kind of guy who didn’t get tricked easily.
“Your spidey senses never cease to amaze.” To that I saw him crack a smile. He shrugged.
“When did I become Spiderman?”
“Well, it’s either Spiderman or a ninja, but since you don’t run around with a short sword and throwing stars, I thought, ‘this guy has to be Spiderman’.”
Finally, Hugh turned to look at me. He had a crooked smile on his lips and his eyebrows were quirked upward in a quizzical look.
“Those are my only options?”
I nodded vigorously, walked forward, and gave the man a pat on the shoulder.
“The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can get to being the best vigilante this city has ever seen.”
Hugh chuckled with a snort.
“Would you be disappointed if I admitted to the ninja bit?”
“Not in the least! But as proof you’ll need to bring in a katana tomorrow and cut a watermelon in half.”
“Where do you come up with this stuff? Is this really all your generation thinks about?”
I gave Hugh a knowing smile but continued to shrug as I wandered over to my locker.
“It could be the drugs talking. You know how I love my white powders.”
“Cut up into lines-“
“-and snorted through a straw.”
I looked at Hugh over my shoulder. His smile was still crooked, it always was. It was also one of his best features. He gave me a wag of his index finger.
“Snorting sugar can’t be good for you. You’re sweet enough as is.”
I couldn't hold back my laughter after hearing that. Hugh just stood tall as ever, still with that unmovable grin. After a good minute of just letting it all out I brushed away a tear, still trying to fight through the giggles to speak.
“You- you’re so corny sometimes, you know that?”
This time it was his turn to shrug and hold up his hands in a gesture of mock confusion.
“That’s what my wife tells me.”
“How is the old ball and chain?” I was able to regain my composure by changing the subject. Hugh seemed happy enough to follow along with me.
“Same old, same old. The wife’s still pregnant and the mother-in-law’s still cranky.”
“Ouch! Two crazy, hormonal women in the same house at the same time can’t be fun.” Hugh sighed.
“Well, the dog house ain’t big enough to fit Sue, and Claire would never forgive me if I tried. Doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it, though.”
“I bet if you mixed kibble in with her food, she’d go in there willingly after a while.”
“Hmm . . .” Hugh stopped and gave his chin a few thoughtful strokes, as if seriously contemplating my suggestion. Finally, he sighed and shook his head.
“That seems like an over time kind of thing. I need some quick results so I can get back to watching Cops without Sue talking about corruption in politics.”
“No! Not Cops! What horror when a man can’t listen to Bad Boy in peace.”
“Hey now, that’s the best theme song to any show, ever.”
“I’m not judging, this is a serious travesty.”
