Would love some critique

[laiktail]

Hi all, just made a quick first draft of a scene in my VN. In one sentence, the VN is about a man named Masaru who can summon anything but is mute (so summons cards to talk) and how his life changes after a playful girl named Chiyo initially mocks his disability but then offers to help him. I've actually never written dialogue before so I'd really like to know what sort of things I can improve on; this is a first, unedited draft but it'd be good to hear where the direction should go. Here, "narrator" signifies Masaru's thoughts but when he's not speaking.

Any criticism is good criticism, so I'd love any advice here.

Chiyo: I know your trick. You just pretend to be mute so that beautiful girls like me will feel sorry for you.
Chiyo: And then, when they sympathize with you and try to help you, you’ve got them right in the palm of your hands…and then you strike! They have no choice but to get married to you because no-one leaves behind a mute person.
Narrator: My mouth drops in awe.
Narrator: This is incredibly well thought out.
Chiyo: It’s the perfect crime.
Narrator: Yeah, perfectly ridiculous.
Masaru: …
Masaru: “Curses! I’ve been had! You pierced right through my act and uncovered my desperate core!”
Masaru: “How will I fulfil my dream of acquiring a wife now that I’ve been found out!?”
Masaru: …
Masaru: …I wish I could say. But sadly, that’s not the case.
Chiyo: Oh…
Narrator: Chiyo looks down for a moment.
Chiyo: …
Chiyo: So you really can’t speak?
Narrator: I nod.
Chiyo: Well…
Narrator: She glances at her watch and stares at it for a long time.
Narrator: A time long enough to see that she was thinking about more than whether it was 4:15PM or not.
Chiyo: …fine!
Masaru: Fine what?
Chiyo: I’ve decided.
Masaru: Decided what?
Narrator: She smiles at me like a tiger smiles at fresh meat.
Chiyo: You should be happy.
Masaru: What are you talking about?
Chiyo: I’m going to help you.
Narrator: Wait…
Masaru: …huh? What do you mean?
Chiyo: Exactly what I said. I’m going to help you find your voice.
Narrator: …
Narrator: I repeat that sentence in my head.
Narrator: I’m going to help you find your voice.
Narrator: Why?
Narrator: Didn’t we only meet today?
Narrator: …
Narrator: She’s looking directly at me, her eyes blazing with determination.
Narrator: Surely there’s some motive behind this.
Narrator: People who are this kind, apart from mothers and fathers, don’t exist.
Narrator: …
Narrator: …none that I’ve met, anyway.
Masaru: Why do you want to help me?
Chiyo: Because I love you.
Masaru: What?!
Narrator: I mentally collapse to the floor.
Chiyo: That’s what you want me to say! But, unfortunately for you, I’m not falling for your devious and devilish plan to acquire me as a wife!
Narrator: …no, mentally “collapsing to the floor” is an understatement.
Narrator: Mentally, I fall through the floor, through the ground, pass the earth’s molten core, reach the other side of the earth, break through the atmosphere, and now I’m floating towards Mars as I bump into satellites circling our planet.
Narrator: This. Girl.
Narrator: I’ve definitely gotten myself into trouble here.
Masaru: Sorry, I don’t think I can be helped. My voice hasn’t come back for years. And I don’t think it will ever come back.
Narrator: That’s how it’s always been.
Narrator: …and maybe that’s how it always will be.
Chiyo: Um…but!
Narrator: She looks away for a moment. But it doesn’t look like she’s going to give up.
Chiyo: Finding your voice will be hard, I agree.
Chiyo: But I think we should still try.
Narrator: Why?
Masaru: Don’t you think we’ll fail?
Chiyo: Yep. It’s very likely we’ll fail.
Narrator: Huh?
Masaru: Then why should we try?
Narrator: She suddenly grasps one of my hands with both of hers and makes eye contact with me.
Narrator: But rather than the fiery determination I was expecting, the look on her face surprised me.
Narrator: She looks like she’s almost about to cry.
Chiyo: The reason is because…
Chiyo: …we should still try to do what’s right, even if it will be a probable failure.
Narrator: I stop for a moment.
Narrator: Um…
Narrator: She’s still holding my hand. Her own hands are warm and surprisingly delicate.
Narrator: …
Narrator: Damn it. I hate being even a little inspired like this, because motivation and action breeds regret.
Narrator: …
Narrator: I wonder why this is so important to her?
Narrator: Should I get involved? People don’t help others for no reason.
Narrator: …
Narrator: I look into her soft, brown, and now wet eyes.
Narrator: I can’t bring myself to say no.
Narrator: I pull away one hand to summon a card that says:
Masaru: Okay.
Masaru: Let’s try.
Chiyo: …really?
Masaru: Sure. I don’t want to break your heart over something like this.
Narrator: Chiyo immediately realizes that she is still holding my hand. I suppose most ladies would release their hold softly.
Narrator: But I guess it’s no surprise when she throws my hand towards me.
Chiyo: Like hell you’re gonna break my heart!
Narrator: I smile.
Masaru: Just said that I wouldn’t.
Chiyo: You know what I mean!
Narrator: She dramatically turns and starts to walk away briskly.
Narrator: But ten steps later, she briefly halts. She turns her head but makes a point in keeping her back towards me.
Chiyo: …
Chiyo: Thanks.
Narrator: “Wife acquired.”
Narrator: If I responded with that, I’m sure she would have decimated me.
Masaru: You’re welcome.

[Mad Harlequin]

This isn't bad, but I feel some of the internal narration cuts into the interaction between Masaru and Chiyo too much. You don't need to indicate that it's narration, either. I kept the character indicators for your convenience since this is part of a planned VN. I also think that Masaru and Chiyo's interaction is a little too bland. What kind of person is Chiyo? You say she makes fun of Masaru's inability to speak at first. What makes her change her attitude towards him?

Chiyo: "I know your trick. You're just pretending to be mute so that beautiful girls like me will feel sorry for you.

Chiyo: And then, when they sympathize with you and try to help you, you’ve got them right in the palm of your hands…and thenyou strike! They have no choice but to get married to you because no-one leaves behind a mute person.

Narrator: My mouth drops in awe.

Narrator: Masaru: This is incredibly well thought out.

Chiyo: It’s the perfect crime.!

Narrator: Yeah, perfectly ridiculous.

Masaru: …

Masaru: “Curses! I’ve been had! You've pierced right through my act and uncovered my desperate core!”

Masaru: “How will I fulfill my dream of acquiring a wife now that I’ve been found out!?”

Masaru: …

Masaru: …I wish I could say. But sadly, that’s not the case.

Chiyo: Oh . . .

Narrator: Chiyo looks down for a moment.

Chiyo: …

Chiyo: So you really can’t speak?

Narrator: I nod.

Chiyo: Well . . .

Narrator:She glances at her watch and stares at it for a long time.

Narrator: A time long enough to see that she was thinking about more than whether it was 4:15PM or not.

Chiyo: …fine!

Masaru: Fine what?

Chiyo: I’ve decided.

Masaru: Decided what?

Narrator:She smiles at me like a tiger smiles at fresh meat.

Chiyo: You should be happy.

Masaru: What are you talking about?

Chiyo: I’m going to help you.

Narrator: Wait…

Masaru: …hHuh? What do you mean?

Chiyo: I mean Eexactly what I said. I’m going to help you find your voice.

Narrator: …

Narrator: I repeat that sentence in my head.

Narrator: I’m going to help you find your voice.

Narrator: Why?

Narrator: Didn’t we only just meet today?

Narrator: …

Narrator: She’s looking directly at me, her eyes blazing with determination.

Narrator: Surely there’s some motive behind this.

Narrator: People who are this kind, apart from mothers and fathers, don’t exist.

Narrator: …

Narrator: …nNone that I’ve met, anyway.

Masaru: Why do you want to help me?

Chiyo: Because I love you.

Masaru: What?!

Narrator: I mentally collapse to the floor.

Chiyo: That’s what you want me to say! But, unfortunately for you, I’m not falling for your devious and devilish plan to acquire me as a wife!

Narrator: …no, mentally “collapsing to the floor” is an understatement.

Narrator: Mentally, I fall through the floor, through the ground, pass the earth’s molten core, reach the other side of the earth, break through the atmosphere, and now I’m floating towards Mars as I bump into satellites circling our planet.

Narrator: This. Girl.

Narrator: I’ve definitely gotten myself into trouble here.

Masaru: Sorry, I don’t think I can be helped. My voice hasn’t come back for years. AndI don’t think it will ever come back.

Narrator:That’s how it’s always been., Narrator: …and maybe that’s how it always will be.

Chiyo: Um…but!

Narrator:She looks away for a moment. But it doesn’t look like she’s going to give up.

Chiyo: Finding your voice will be hard, I agree.

Chiyo: But I think we should still try.

Narrator: Why?

Masaru: Don’t you think we’ll fail?

Chiyo: Yep. It’s very likely we’ll fail.

Narrator: Huh?

Masaru: Then why should we try?

Narrator: She suddenly grasps one of my hands with both of hers and makes eye contact with me.

Narrator: But rather than the fiery determination I was expecting, the look on her face surprised me.

Narrator: She looks like she’s almost about to cry.

Chiyo: The reason is because…

Chiyo: …wWe should still try to do what’s right, even if it will be a probable failure we'll probably fail.

Narrator: I stop for a moment.

Narrator: Um…

Narrator:She’s still holding my hand. Her own hands are warm and surprisingly delicate.

Narrator: …

Narrator: Damn it. I hate being even a little inspired like this, because motivation and action breeds regret.

Narrator: …

Narrator: I wonder why this is so important to her?.

Narrator:Should I get involved? People don’t help others for no reason.

Narrator: …

Narrator:I look into her soft, brown, and now weteyes.

Narrator: I can’t bring myself to say no.

Narrator: I pull away one hand to summon a card that says:

Masaru: Okay.

Masaru: Let’s try.

Chiyo: …rReally?

Masaru: Sure. I don’t want to break your heart over something like this.

Narrator:Chiyo immediately realizes that she is still holding my hand. I suppose most ladies would release their hold softly.

Narrator: But I guess it’s no surprise when she throws my hand towards me.

Chiyo: Like hell you’re gonna break my heart!

Narrator: I smile.

Masaru: Just said that I wouldn’t.

Chiyo: You know what I mean!

Narrator: She dramatically turns and starts to walk awaybriskly.

Narrator: But ten steps later, she brieflyhalts. She Chiyo turns her head but makes a point in keeping her back towards me.

Chiyo: …

Chiyo: Thanks.

Narrator:“Wife acquired.”

Narrator:If I'd responded with that, I’m sure she would have decimated me.

Masaru: You’re welcome.

[laiktail]

This isn't bad, but I feel some of the internal narration cuts into the interaction between Masaru and Chiyo too much. You don't need to indicate that it's narration, either. I kept the character indicators for your convenience since this is part of a planned VN. I also think that Masaru and Chiyo's interaction is a little too bland. What kind of person is Chiyo? You say she makes fun of Masaru's inability to speak at first. What makes her change her attitude towards him?

Thanks for the advice Mad Harlequin! I've seen that you gave critique/editing on some of the other threads in this subforum, so I feel lucky and surprised to have the one and only critique this dialogue.

I'm glad that you mentioned that Masaru and Chiyo's interaction is a little too bland. I think I'll have to study up on how great writers have tension between their characters. Do you have any advice on this or any favourite pieces of work that you think exemplifies this?

Chiyo, at this point of time, is an alacritous girl that doesn't mince words. She changes her attitude towards him as she sees that this actually isolates him from other people and affects his life, despite his efforts to stay aloof from this reality.

Actually, to be (embarrassingly) honest, I haven't fully developed who the characters are or even the full plot other than a bare-bones outline. I just wanted to write a scene to see how I should write (since I've never written a proper story bar English homework in high school). The questions you pose are really useful in helping me think about the process, Mad Harlequin - for that, I am grateful. thanks!

(Oh, and the addition of the "Narrator" tag actually just makes it simpler to code into the game, more than anything else.)

[Mad Harlequin]

Thanks for the advice Mad Harlequin! I've seen that you gave critique/editing on some of the other threads in this subforum, so I feel lucky and surprised to have the one and only critique this dialogue.

It's my pleasure.

I'm glad that you mentioned that Masaru and Chiyo's interaction is a little too bland. I think I'll have to study up on how great writers have tension between their characters. Do you have any advice on this or any favourite pieces of work that you think exemplifies this?

I can't say I have a specific favorite or any specific advice to give---just remember that as your characters interact throughout the story, their interactions should reflect the growth they've undergone, if any. (Some characters remain static, but they tend not to be protagonists.)

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is read good books and pay attention to how the authors develop their characters. How do the characters talk to each other? What do they do together? How do their feelings about each other change? The answers to these sorts of questions can be answered over the course of a whole story or even within a single scene.

Actually, to be (embarrassingly) honest, I haven't fully developed who the characters are or even the full plot other than a bare-bones outline. I just wanted to write a scene to see how I should write (since I've never written a proper story bar English homework in high school). The questions you pose are really useful in helping me think about the process, Mad Harlequin - for that, I am grateful. thanks!

You're welcome! I understand why you wanted to write a quick scene to test your skills. It's nothing to be ashamed of. When you start developing your characters in earnest, you may want to consider creating character profiles for them. There are templates for this available all over the Internet, and if I'm not mistaken, I believe there may be a thread around here somewhere featuring links to some of the best ones. Also consider using a worldbuilding template. Is your setting completely fictional, or is it a version of the real world with magical elements? I'm just giving you more to think about.

(Oh, and the addition of the "Narrator" tag actually just makes it simpler to code into the game, more than anything else.)

Yes, I gathered that much. I got rid of it primarily out of habit. I'm still not quite used to the idea of putting what would otherwise be part of a short story or novel into a different format.

Best wishes!