Would like a critique on scene

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Sleipnir56
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Would like a critique on scene

#1 Post by Sleipnir56 »

So this is a scene I wrote for Parallel Hearts, which is something I'm trying to redo. This is the opening scene for the game, but I'm not too sure if I'm going to use it. Still trying to figure it out. All I'd like is to know what you guys think, and help to improve. I'm grateful for any advice you give me. Thank you :)
Ps- The question mark is because I can't figure out the name just yet. Is kind of a mysterious character. Sorry about that :? .
To escape such a place is impossible. This world, everyone in it...they're all the same; liars. My parents, my friends....everyone. At this very moment I had a choice, to either end it, or just go home to a world that would never except me.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
The water looked very beautiful in the snow, the reflection of the moon glistening off the ice. Surely my own weight would smash through it. Hopefully the fall would break my legs and or arms, so I wouldn't be able to swim out in case I got cold feet and wanted to swim back up.
? “So you're going to jump?”
v(Vex/Verena) “It's you again. How did you know I was here?”
? “Followed you.”
He came up next to me, and stared down at the icy water.
? “Think you can go through that?”
v “Yes.”
? “And if you couldn't?”
v “Then I'd let myself freeze to death. I doubt anyone will be looking for me any time soon.”
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
I brushed his hand away from my shoulder.
V “I didn't think my own best friend would do something like this! Let alone that my own family would kick me out for what I was.”
? “Well, that's just how you humans are. So inconsiderate, and always following the popular crowd. Well...most of you anyway.”
v “Look, why are you here?”
? “To stop you from jumping of course.”
v “Why?”
? “So I can take you to my world.”
v “Stop with that nonsense already. I've been hurt enough for the day.”
? “I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to help you. After all, she forced me here to bring you back. If you die, then I'll probably follow you soon after.”
v “Please just leave me alone.”
? “Oh come on! What good is killing yourself going to do?!”
? “Let's say I was telling the truth. You could leave this world, and find a place to belong. You'd meet people that wouldn't hate you for what you are.”
v “Doesn't matter where I go. People don't like freaks.”
? “But where I live there are some just like you. Okay, so maybe they don't have your power, but they'd understand what it's like to be an outcast.”
I looked to him. He smiled gently at me, but it didn't faze me. I was sick of hearing lies, and sick of trusting people. It did nothing good for me in the end.
V “Sorry, but I think I'll take my changes with death. Mari always said that sometimes the best way to be free is to die, so I might as well give it a shot. Heh, who knows. Maybe I'll meet her again.”
? “H-hey! Wait a second!”
I ignored him and lifted myself on to the edge of the bridge. For just a single second, I felt scared.Could I really take my life like this, and leave everything behind?
The images of the laugher, the yelling...the mud...,all of it came back to me. The pain I felt from their betrayal was too much. Death was the only way to be free from such a horrid feeling.
I took one last deep break, and jumped into the air.
For a minute it kind of felt like I was a bird, flying through the air freely with no worries. How I wish that was true.
But in that single moment I slowly began to fall, like a weight had been crushing my body. To me, it was nothing new. It was just like my life, and showed how it went spiraling out of control.
A loud crack, and then endless gushing. Horrid coldness engulfed my body. The only light was from the moon as it shined through the hole. At least something so beautiful would be the last thing I would see.

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baabaa
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#2 Post by baabaa »

Hi! I really think the scene is well written. However, I do have some notes & advice and such. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted. Anyway, there were two specific lines that I felt needed reviewing, as follows.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
I think the beginning part of this was kinda weirdly phrased. ("If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now....")
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
That line is also the slightest bit confusing, with the "that's what they put on you?" I think it could be phrased differently.

Overall, the imagery and phrasing could be improved in some bits but it's not really a problem. I think you wrote it particularly well and I really like it. As an opening scene, I feel like it establishes quite a bit of information without being overtly direct, which is good. c:

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Sleipnir56
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#3 Post by Sleipnir56 »

baabaa wrote:Hi! I really think the scene is well written. However, I do have some notes & advice and such. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted. Anyway, there were two specific lines that I felt needed reviewing, as follows.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
I think the beginning part of this was kinda weirdly phrased. ("If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now....")
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
That line is also the slightest bit confusing, with the "that's what they put on you?" I think it could be phrased differently.

Overall, the imagery and phrasing could be improved in some bits but it's not really a problem. I think you wrote it particularly well and I really like it. As an opening scene, I feel like it establishes quite a bit of information without being overtly direct, which is good. c:
Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing

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Sleipnir56
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#4 Post by Sleipnir56 »

baabaa wrote:Hi! I really think the scene is well written. However, I do have some notes & advice and such. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted. Anyway, there were two specific lines that I felt needed reviewing, as follows.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
I think the beginning part of this was kinda weirdly phrased. ("If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now....")
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
That line is also the slightest bit confusing, with the "that's what they put on you?" I think it could be phrased differently.

Overall, the imagery and phrasing could be improved in some bits but it's not really a problem. I think you wrote it particularly well and I really like it. As an opening scene, I feel like it establishes quite a bit of information without being overtly direct, which is good. c:
Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing

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Sleipnir56
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#5 Post by Sleipnir56 »

baabaa wrote:Hi! I really think the scene is well written. However, I do have some notes & advice and such. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted. Anyway, there were two specific lines that I felt needed reviewing, as follows.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
I think the beginning part of this was kinda weirdly phrased. ("If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now....")
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
That line is also the slightest bit confusing, with the "that's what they put on you?" I think it could be phrased differently.

Overall, the imagery and phrasing could be improved in some bits but it's not really a problem. I think you wrote it particularly well and I really like it. As an opening scene, I feel like it establishes quite a bit of information without being overtly direct, which is good. c:
Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing

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Sleipnir56
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#6 Post by Sleipnir56 »

baabaa wrote:Hi! I really think the scene is well written. However, I do have some notes & advice and such. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted. Anyway, there were two specific lines that I felt needed reviewing, as follows.
If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now, I probably would've just gone back home and live out my life. But now...things were different.
I think the beginning part of this was kinda weirdly phrased. ("If none of the events that took place before this happened and I was here right now....")
? “So that's what they put on you? Yuck. Should've just stayed home.”
That line is also the slightest bit confusing, with the "that's what they put on you?" I think it could be phrased differently.

Overall, the imagery and phrasing could be improved in some bits but it's not really a problem. I think you wrote it particularly well and I really like it. As an opening scene, I feel like it establishes quite a bit of information without being overtly direct, which is good. c:
Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing

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baabaa
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#7 Post by baabaa »

Sleipnir56 wrote: Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing
Don't worry about it c: I hope it turns out well. Good luck!

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Sleipnir56
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Re: Would like a critique on scene

#8 Post by Sleipnir56 »

baabaa wrote:
Sleipnir56 wrote: Thank you so much for the advice. I'll work on this with future writing :) . I think you gave some good feedback, and am grateful for you reading it. And sorry for the line that didn't make much sense. I've always has a problem with word phrasing
Don't worry about it c: I hope it turns out well. Good luck!
So sorry for the triple posting :oops: . The site kind of went out for me and I didn't think it would post :?

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