Critique on a short part of my story

[Akarui_Tsubasa]

Well, I have a proofreader but I don't really know if the story I came up with is good so please honestly critique a short part of my story aka a part of my prologue:

"I'm sorry about her death, Haruna..." my aunt says, her voice slightly cracking. Her lips curl into a frown and her eyes start to water. I just look at her blankly. It looks as if she lost someone precious. Before my sister died, she didn't even care about us. Anger starts to boil inside me, instead of sadness. The only person who cared for us was our father, that's what I thought, anyway. I'll never forgive him, I hate his guts. "I'll go on ahead, auntie." Instead of responding, my aunt just nods. 'How pitiful,' is what they all think. It doesn't show in their actions, but I can see it in their eyes. They look at me like I'm an abandoned puppy. She's just like the others, treating me poorly, pitying me. I'm really getting tired of it...

Instead of going home, I go to the playground my sister and I used to play at. As I recall how my sister died, I feel a drop of water fall on my head. Ah, it's starting to rain... Drop by drop, the rain keeps getting stronger, as if my feelings and the weather are one. Even though it's raining, I don't feel cold at all, like my heart is colder than rain itself. Suddenly, I don't feel the rain on my skin. I look up and see an umbrella hovering above me. "You shouldn't be here," the person behind me said.

I raise my head and see a handsome man looking at me. He had beautiful sky blue hair, his eyes are as blue as the ocean and his skin is as white as snow. His other features are blocked by the rain, but I'm sure he looks like he's pissed off. Why help me, if he's angry? "Do you want to get sick THAT badly?" So, could it be that he's worried about me?

"Why do you care?" I ask as I stare at him. He flinches a little and his eyes widen. "I-I don't really care, I'm just helping...", Why? You don't know me. His eyes soften as he looks down at me. So, he's pitying me too, huh? My eyes narrow at this thought.

"Don't pity me." I mutter curtly, glaring daggers at him. "I'm not," he responds quickly, as if he knows what I am talking about.

"Then, why are you helping me?" I ask, confused, while tilting my head slightly. His cheeks turn velvet pink and he stutters, "Uh... Er... Is it wrong to help people I don't know? You were standing under the rain and it looked like you could use an umbrella."

My eyes widen at his honesty. He actually looks cute. "D-Don't get so cocky!" he mutters, looking down.

I correct myself. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I ask. His eyes narrow at my question. "I was looking for someone..."

"Your girlfriend?" I teased.

"HELL, NO, I HATE GIRLS!"

If he hates girls then why is he talking to me? "Then why are you talking to me? Do you not consider me as a girl?"

"Ah... No... I... Ummm..." He's totally not being honest.

I introduce myself to break the silence. Might as well, anyway. "I'm Haruna Nakamura, and you are?" I stretch out my right arm towards him.

"Subaru Sato. So, we're not strangers now?" He shakes my hand. I smile a bit at his eagerness of being friends with me. His eyes widen for a second, but turned back to normal as he avoids eye contact.

The sky begins to darken and the rain starts to pour harder. Sato looks around the empty playground and back at me. "It's getting late. Do you want me to walk you home?"
"Wait..."

He turns his head. "What is it?"


menu:

"Fine.":
"Fine," I say, agreeing with him. His cheeks flush, making me want to squeeze him to death.
jump explanation

"I can go back on my own.":
ss_points += 2
"I can go back on my own," I whisper audibly.

He shakes my head and grabs my hand, holding it tightly. "Nope, you're coming with me," he states as he pulls me closer towards him. How cute.
jump explanation

label explanation:
"So, this is your house..." he says as he gapes at the house in awe. He looks like a kid who saw a spaceship for the first time. I get my keys from my pocket and open the gate. My house is what people would call grand, for a lack of a better term.

I open the front door and hold it for him.

"Come in, let's wait until the rain stops," I exclaim and take my shoes off to keep the floor from getting dirty. He hesitates for a bit before following suit. He takes off his shoes and enters the door. I enter after him and close the door behind me. I feel a shiver down my spine and all throughout my body. Brr! I shouldn't have stayed too long under the rain.

He looks around at my spacious house, squinting his eyes a bit, trying to see in the dark. I rarely put things in here, so there's nothing much interesting to see. He sits at the couch nearby and inspects the lamp next to him. He starts poking the lamp, trying to find the switch.

"Stop touching it." I glare at him. That lamp is expensive! What if he breaks it? I walk towards the lamp and flip the switch myself. The light illuminates the room. We close our eyes and slowly open them in order to adjust to the brightness.

He takes a glimpse of the painting on the wall and approaches it, clearly in deep thought. "This is really big, do you live here alone?" he asks, his eyes still on the painting.

The question made me flinch.

Should I tell him or not?

If you want to check out my game go here:
http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=27469

THANK YOU

[Mad Harlequin]

Suggested corrections and notes:

"I'm sorry about her death, Haruna...," my aunt says, her voice slightly cracking. Her lips curl into a frown and her eyes start to water. I just look at her blankly.It looks as if she lost someone precious. Before my sister died, she didn't even care about us. Anger starts to boil inside me, instead of sadness.The only person who cared for us was our father, that's what I thought, anyway. I'll never forgive him, I hate his guts.

"I'll go on ahead, auntie." Instead of responding, mMy aunt just nods. 'How pitiful,' is what they all think. They all think I'm pitiful. It doesn't show in their actions, but I can see it in their eyes. They look at me like I'm an abandoned puppy. She's just like the others, treating me poorly, pitying me. I'm really getting tired of it....

Instead of going home, I go to the playground where my my sister and I used to playat. As I recall how my sister died, I feel a drop of water fall on my head.

(You could add some specific thoughts about the sister here, or perhaps even a flashback.)

Ah, it's starting to rain... Drop by drop, the rain keeps getting stronger, as if my feelings and the weather are one. Even though it's raining, But I don't feel cold at all,. It's as if like my heart is colder than rain itself. Suddenly, I don't feel the rain on my skin. I look up andsee an umbrella hovering above me.

"You shouldn't be here,." the person behind me said.

I raise my head and see a handsome man looking at me. He hads beautiful sky blue hair, his eyes are as blue as the ocean, and his skin is as white as snow. (A little cliche---consider describing his appearance differently.) His other features are blocked by the rain, but I'm sure he looks like he's pissed off. Why help me, if he's angry? "Do you want to get sick THAT that badly?" he asks. So, could it be that he's worried about me?

"Why do you care?" I ask as I stare at him. He flinches a little and his eyes widen.

"I-I don't really care, . . . I'm just helping...", Why? You don't know me. His eyes soften as he looks down at me. So, he's you're pitying me too, huh? My eyes narrow at this thought.

"Don't pity me.," I mutter curtly, glaring daggers at him.

"I'm not,." he responds quickly, as if he knows what I am talking about.

"Then, why are you helping me?" I ask, confused, while tilting my head slightly. His cheeks turn velvet pink. and he stutters,

"Uh...Er...Is it wrong to help people I don't know? You were standing under the rain and it looked like you could use an umbrella."

My eyes widen at his honesty. He actually looks cute. "D-Don't get so cocky!" he mutters, looking down.

I correct myself."What are you doing here, anyway?" I ask. His eyes narrow at my question.

"I was looking for someone...,"

"Your girlfriend?" I teased.

"HELL, NO, I HATE GIRLS!" "No. I hate girls."

If he hates girls then why is he talking to me?"Then why are you talking to me? Do you not consider me asa girl?"

"Ah...No... I... Ummm..." He's totally not being honest.

I decide to introduce myself to break the silence. Might as well, anyway. "I'm Haruna Nakamura, and you are . . .?" I stretch out my right arm towards him offer him my right hand.

"Subaru Sato. So, we're not strangers now?" He shakes my hand and. I smile a bit at his eagerness of being friends with me. His eyes widen for a second, but turned back to normal as he avoids eye contact.

The sky begins to darken and the rain starts to pour harder. Sato looks around the empty playground and back at me. "It's getting late. Do you want me to walk you home?"

"Wait..."

He turns his head. "What is it?"

"Fine,." I say, agreeing with him. His cheeks flush, making me want to squeeze him to death.

"I can go back on my own,."I whisper audibly.

He shakes my his head and grabs my hand, holding it tightly. "Nope,. yYou're coming with me,." he states as hHe pulls me closer towards him. How cute. (Is she being sarcastic or sincere?)

When we arrive at my place, Sato is stunned. "So, this is your house..." he says as he gapes at the house in awe.He looks like a kid whosaw's seen a spaceship (do you mean a shuttle or a UFO?) for the first time. I get my keys from my pocket and open the gate.My house is what people would call grand, for a lack of a better term.

I open the front door and hold it for him.

"Come in,. lLet's wait until the rain stops,." I exclaim andWe take my our shoes off to keep the floor from getting dirty and enter the house.He hesitates for a bit before following suit. He takes off his shoes and enters the door. I enter after him and close the door behind me. I feel a shiver down my spine and all throughout my body. Brr! I shouldn't have stayed too long under the rain.

He looks around at my spacious house,Sato squintings his eyes a bit, trying to see in the dark.I rarely put things in here, so there's nothing much interesting to see.

(This is where your writing is at its thinnest. What kind of room is this? Is it an entry hall? Have they moved to a sitting room? You need to describe the room as a whole if your characters are going to be spending some time here. Otherwise, all the reader knows is that there's a lamp and a sofa in here.)

"Ah, a lamp. Need light."

He sits at on the couch nearby and inspects the lamp next to him. He starts poking the lamp, trying to find the switch.

"Stop touching it."I glare at him. That lamp is expensive! What if he breaks it? I walk towards the lamp and flip the switch myself,.The light illuminatesing the room. We close our eyes and slowly open them in order take a few minutes to adjust to the brightness.

He takes a glimpse of the painting on the wall and approaches it, clearly in deep thought. "This is really big, do you live here alone?" he asks, his eyes still on the painting.

"This place is huge. Do you live here alone?"

The question made makes me flinch.

Should I tell himor not?

[laiktail]

It's kinda interesting and it looks like the protagonist is set up to change quite a lot during the course of the story. Personally, I think that it's a bit hard to like the hero, despite him being set up to be likable. And the entire thing is a little quick. It'd be good to be able to see what kind of person the aunt is really like, so that we can make our own decision as if to whether she is right to be hated or not. This story has potential, though; I think that the main character could be very relatable, if you execute her well.

The only person who cared for us was our father, that's what I thought, anyway. I'll never forgive him, I hate his guts.

I'm confused. Does she love or hate her father?

He shakes my his head and grabs my hand, holding it tightly. "Nope. You're coming with me." he states as he pulls me closer towards him. How cute.

Her reaction is also confusing. If some guy you met two seconds ago suddenly grabbed your hand, you'd be more likely to be shocked than to consider how cute the guy is.

When we arrive at my place, Sato is stunned.

In the principle of "show, don't tell", there are more creative ways to describe this. To have it as a passing thing rather than draw emphasis to it, I think something like "Sato's eyes widened as he entered" would do. To have him more dramatically stunned, you could have him stop responding to the protagonist's voice for a while or something.



Overall, I think it's promising and needs more showing and less telling. hope that's somewhat helpful.

[Mad Harlequin]

When we arrive at my place, Sato is stunned.

In the principle of "show, don't tell", there are more creative ways to describe this. To have it as a passing thing rather than draw emphasis to it, I think something like "Sato's eyes widened as he entered" would do. To have him more dramatically stunned, you could have him stop responding to the protagonist's voice for a while or something.

Overall, I think it's promising and needs more showing and less telling. hope that's somewhat helpful.

You're right, but this is my edit and is not part of Akarui's original text. It's really meant to be considered a starting point more than anything else. I feel the "kid who's seen a spaceship" look Sato has on his face speaks volumes, for example. If I were writing for this, I would do more, but I can't take over somebody else's story. (I probably should have said something like this in a note. You have my apologies for the omission, Akarui.) That being said, "show, not tell" is a decent enough piece of advice on its own, but there has to be balance between description and the rest of the narrative. It's not simply a matter of being more creative. One must be judicious about these things.

[laiktail]

Oops, my bad, didn't mean to edit the edit! I see your point, Mad Harlequin. I perfectly agree with you and I think it was certainly good of you to edit rather than take someone else's story; I also agree on balancing (rather than overdoing) 'don't show don't tell' and not being descriptive for the sake of flouting that principle. You have much more experience as a writer than me (I literally skimmed the that Self-Editing book you recommended on the weekend) so OP, do take Mad Harlequin's advice.

(I think you may have got my username and the OP's mixed up though, Mad Harlequin :p)

[Mad Harlequin]

(I think you may have got my username and the OP's mixed up though, Mad Harlequin :p)

Yeah, I just realized that and fixed it.

This is what I get for posting after a night of dealing with insomnia. Heh . . .

[Akarui_Tsubasa]

Thank you, your critiques are really helpful ^^ since I'm just starting to write these kinda stuff.