Please, critique my prologue

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Chibi Subaru
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Please, critique my prologue

#1 Post by Chibi Subaru »

This is for a visual novel I'm currently working on and plan to put it on the iPhone and iPad. This is actually my very first game that I'm making, so I'm hoping to get a lot of feedback on this.

I have included scene and sprite emotion changes in the prologue.

Story:
MC is only 24-years old who works as a server at a café. She’s never dated before and lives with her dad and younger brother.

The game starts with MC’s typical day at work including hearing her co-worker complaining about her boyfriend. Eventually MC goes home to an empty house and plays a visual novel game through a handheld console. While playing, she wishes she could meet a guy like one of the characters from her game and falls asleep.

She then wakes up to see a boardwalk she’s never seen before and tries to find out where she is and how to get back home. In her search, she gets hassled by some punks who she runs away from and ends up falling into a hole in a garden's entrance way. This leads her to meet Gwyn Arkwright, the owner of the garden and the mansion on the property. He offers her a job and a place to stay while she tries to figure out if this is real or a dream and how to get back home. The other workers at the café are all characters that have routes that the player can read.
<Background: locker room at work; Filename: RLlocker.png>

Server: [MC], can you take care of table 10?

MC: Yeah!

I call out from within the employees’ locker room as I tie my apron on. I walk out onto the floor and head over to the table to take the customer’s order. It’s lunch time and it’s crowded, but I love being busy and seeing our usual regulars.

<Background: café; Filename: RLcafe.png>

A few hours later, towards the end of lunch rush, I take my break and put my apron away in my locker, making sure to pull out my wallet so I have enough for my quick lunch. I head back into the restaurant and take a seat close to the windows. As I stare out into the busy city street outside from my seat, another server comes up to my table with their order pad out.

Server: You on break?

MC: Yep. Can I get a slice of the orange and cream cake and a large vanilla Frappuccino?

After I order my items, the server leaves and then Ashley, a fellow server and my best friend, sits down across from me like normal.

Ashley <angry>: You won’t believe what my boyfriend did! We’ve had made plans days before and then he stood me up…. Why? Some game came out, which he HAD to get and play it all night without even calling me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he called me to let me know, but I waited for him for two hours. TWO HOURS?! Can you believe it?

(Again with the boyfriend? Why doesn’t she just dump him?)

MC: At least you have a boyfriend? I’ve never even been on a date. This isn’t the first time he’s done this to you, y’know? Remember the time you waited four hours for him to come over for dinner at my place with all of our friends there. Two hours doesn’t seem that bad compared to that.

Ashley <angry>: Yeah, and that was so embarrassing! I still love him, but I just wish he was more considerate of me and communicated with me better.

Ashley <calm>: When you start dating, [MC], watch out for the red flags before you get in too deep.

This is our normal conversations during our breaks, mainly about her boyfriend problems, work, and school. It’s nothing too exciting; actually it’s very boring to me. I’m not really a girly girl like some of my friends, so I don’t talk about fashion that much or celebrity gossip.

<Background: MC’s bedroom; Filename: MCbedroom.png>

The rest of the day goes like normal, I work a few more hours, walk home, and pick up my favorite handheld console to escape away from this reality. I’ve recently been playing a visual romance novel game, which seems like the only way I can actually date a guy. My life sucks. I’m currently playing the route for the owner of some café in the game, who happens to be a caring guy that looks out for the main female character.

MC: Why can’t I find a guy like you in this world that will actually fall for me?

While lying in my bed my eyes begin to grow heavy from the light of the game screen, and, before I know it, I'm asleep.

<Background: boardwalk with the shops on the right side and water on the left; Filename: Boardwalkday.png>

The glare from the blinding sun burns my eyes, waking me abruptly.

(I’m outside? How did I get outside? Why am I outside? How did I get here? Did I… sleepwalk here? I’ve never done that before.)

I take a glance at my surroundings, but there isn’t anything familiar to me. There appears to be a beach behind me and in front of me is a small town.

(There is no way I am in Edelburg…. There’s no beach there. Where am I?!)

I’m standing in the middle of a boardwalk that has small shops, bike paths, and food carts. It has a cutesy and calm feeling to it.

I have no clue where I am. I walk along the sidewalk in front of the shops praying for one of them to be open. As I pass the last shop on the boardwalk, I realize my search for someone to help me is futile.

(It must be early in the morning since all the shops seem to be closed. There appears to be no one around. Should I go further into town and find a hotel? I’m sure they can help me.)

With a new plan, I set off to find the main road of this town, but before I do I am approached by two men.

Punk #1: Need help with somethin’?

MC: No, I’m fine.

Punk #2: Looks like you’re bored…. Wanna have some fun with us?

(I have a bad feeling about this, I need to get away from them and fast. I gotta come up with a lie quick.)

MC: Sorry, but I’m… I-I’m waiting for a friend, so no thank you.

As I turn away from them, the first punk reaches for my arm and I quickly withdraw it from his reach.

Punk #1: C’mon, don’t be like that.

(I need to run!)

<Background: random small side road; Filename: Randomroad1.png>

I bolt down the sidewalk away from the two men. As I come to a small side road, I take it, trying to get closer to the center of this town. I can hear the loud stomps of their shoes behind me as I peer over my shoulder. The look in their eyes tells me that they aren't planning on stopping anytime soon.

<Background: another random small side road; Filename: Randomroad2.png>

I weave my way through town, taking new roads and running down alleyways, hoping to not hit a dead end, but the men don’t seem to have any issues following me. I notice my head starts to hurt as I get further into town, but I ignore it as my top priority is to get away from the men.

(Where the heck am I?!)

<Background: T intersection; Filename: Tintersection.png>

The road that I’m on becomes an intersection with only a left and right path, but without thinking I run down the left path and then I spot a garden.

<Background: mansion in the distance with a rose garden to the right side of it; Filename: Mansion.png>

(Maybe I can hide in there or maybe someone in there can help me!)

I head towards a white archway that has red roses entwine around the wood, but before I can pass through it, I fall through the ground and everything became dark.

<Background: black scene>

<Background: bedroom ceiling; Filename: Bedroomceiling.png>

I open my eyes and stare up at an unfamiliar ceiling. My head still hurts. I try to move my body, but it’s not obeying my commands.

????: Oh, you’re finally wake.

A tall man walks over to my side and stares down at me as he towers over my body. Fear wells up within me. I do not recognize this man and I can’t seem to move away from him.

(Move body! Run! Do something!!)

Gwyn <calm>: Now, can I ask you why you’re trespassing on my private garden?

MC: Private garden? Oh! I was trying to get away from some guys. I saw the garden and figured either I could hide there or find someone to help me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to trespass.

The man sighs as he reaches a hand toward my head and I automatically close my eyes tightly. His cool hand rests on top of my head as if he’s comforting me.

Gwyn <calm>: Well, you can relax now since those punks are long gone. Now we just have to wait for the doctor to get here. He should be here soon.

MC: Doctor? I don’t have money to pay for a doctor. I’m fine, really. I’ll just leave here and not bother you anymore.

Gwyn <calm>: It was my security system that you tripped as you were trying to find safety, so you don’t need to worry about paying the doctor. Besides the doctor ordered me not to let you move until he gets here.

MC: So… I tripped?

Gwyn <calm>: Basically, you fell into a large hole.

MC: So… I knocked myself out? Is that why I can’t move?

Gwyn takes his hand off my head and points to a box that is hanging on the ceiling above my stomach.

Gwyn <calm>: That’s preventing you from moving. Since you were knocked out, we are taking precautions. Just be patient.

(Okay…. Well there’s nothing like that on Earth, so where am I? I must be dreaming. That’s it, it’s all a dream.)

Gwyn <calm>: By the way, what’s your name?

MC: [MC].

Gwyn <smile>: You can call me Gwyn.

After a short while, the doctor arrives and runs some tests on me to make sure I’m okay. He gives me some medicine for my headache and tells Gwyn to turn off the box on the ceiling so I can walk around.

<Background: bedroom; Filename: OWbedroom.png>

After the doctor leaves, I take the medicine and sit up in the bed. Now being able to move, I can see just how lavish this small guest bedroom is. I look over to Gwyn as he’s leaning against a nearby wall.

MC: Where am I?

Gwyn <calm>: In one of the guest rooms in my home.

MC: No, I mean this town. One minute I go to sleep in my home and the next thing I know, I’m waking up near the beach. I have never seen this town before…. I don’t know how I got here.

Gwyn looks at me as if I’m crazy.

Gwyn <calm>: You’re in Mimsboro.

MC: Mimsboro? Never heard of it.

Gwyn <calm>: Where are you from?

MC: Edelburg, Ohio.

Gwyn <thinking>: Never heard of it. So what are you going to do now?

(I’m currently penniless, so I need to do something about that….)

MC: Well, I need to find a job and a hotel to stay at until I can figure out how to get home. Do you know of any places that are hiring?

He cocks his head in thought and once it seems like he has an idea he looks back at me.

Gwyn <thinking>: Have you ever worked in a café or restaurant?

I nod my head and a smile appears on his lips.

Gwyn <calm>: I have a café on the lower level of my home and we could use the extra help. You can stay here since you don’t know the area, it’ll be safer and it’ll be easier to go to and from work. You won’t get lost, followed by punks, or fall into anymore holes. Is that okay with you?

(Hmm…. It would be convenient and he doesn’t seem like a bad person. And it’s just a dream, anyway, so I can be a little adventurous.)

I smile at Gwyn as I answer him.

MC: Yes, that’ll be fine and I will work hard. Thank you so much.

Gwyn <smile>: Okay, well you better get some more rest and later today I will introduce you to everyone.

<Background: black screen>

Hours later… Gwyn takes me to the shop to introduce me to everyone.

<Background: Gwyn’s café; Filename: LookingGlass.png>

Gwyn <big smile>: Everyone, gather around. This is [MC], she’ll be working here starting tomorrow and she’ll be living on the second floor.

MC: Hello, I look forward to working with you of all.

One of the men looks like he’s glaring at me before he starts to speak to me, giving me the chills.

???? <Emil: annoyed>: I’m Emil, I’m the manager and directly below Gwyn. I expect no trouble from you.

(Why are you so angry? What did I do?)

???? #2 <Harlan: smile>: Emil, stop being so cold. I’m Harlan and if you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask me.

(He seems nice… unlike the last one.)

???? #3 <Rory: big smile>: Gwyn, she’s a cutie! Where’d you find her at?

The younger male looks closely into my face to the point that I have to back away.

(Aaand… that’s too nice. Why are you so close to me?)

Gwyn pushes the kid back away from me.

Gwyn <sigh>: Rory, you need to learn about personal space. She actually fell into one of my security system traps as she was trying to escape from some punks. [MC] said she was looking for a job and a place to stay, so I offered both.

Emil glares even harder at me after hearing this explanation.

Emil <concern>: No disrespect, sir, but you didn’t even interview her?

Emil <angry>: You just took in some… some… homeless person?

???? #4 <Sven: calm>: I don’t see the harm in this…. We do need the help…. Have you worked in this industry before?

(Did he just ask me a question? I could barely hear him.)

MC: Did you ask if I have worked in a café before?

The boy slowly nods his head in reply.

MC: Yes, I have been a server, a busser, and dish washer, but I’ve never made the drinks or food before.

Harlan <sigh>: You need to learn to speak louder, Sven.

Gwyn <calm>: So one of you will be training her starting tomorrow. Who would you like to have training you, [MC]?

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Mad Harlequin
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Re: Please, critique my prologue

#2 Post by Mad Harlequin »

Suggested corrections and notes:
Server: [MC], can you take care of table 10 ten?

MC: Yeah!

I call out from within the employees’ locker room as I tie my apron on,. I walk out onto the floor, and head over to the table to take the customer’s order. It’s lunchtime and it’s crowded, but I love being busy and seeing our usual regulars.

A few hours later, towards the end of lunch rush, I take my break and put my apron away in my locker, making sure to pull out my wallet so I have enough for my quick lunch. I head back into the restaurant and take a seat close to the windows. As I stare out into the busy city street outside from my seat, another server comes up to my table with their order pad out.

Server: You on break?

MC: Yep. Can I get a slice of the orange and cream cake and a large vanilla Frappuccino? (The name Frappuccino is actually copyrighted by Starbucks. You may want to consider naming this drink something else.)

After I order my items, the server leaves and then Ashley, a fellow server and my best friend, sits down across from me like normal.

Ashley <angry>: You won’t believe what my boyfriend did! (Give him a name; this is the MC's best friend, and the MC would probably know her boyfriend by name.) We’ve had made plans days before and then h He stood me up…. Why? to play some game came out, which he HAD to get and play it all night without even calling me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he'd called me to let me know, but I waited for him for two hours. TWO HOURS?! Can you believe it?

(Again with the boyfriend? Why doesn’t she just dump him?)

MC: At least you have a boyfriend?. I’ve never even been on a date. This isn’t the first time he’s done this to you, y’know?. Remember the time you waited four hours for him to come over for to the dinner party at my place?with all of our friends there. Two hours doesn’t seem that bad compared to that.

Ashley <angry>: Yeah, and that was so embarrassing! I still love him, but I just wish he was were more considerate of me and communicated with me better.

Ashley <calm>: When you start dating, [MC], watch out for the red flags before youget're in too deep.

Most of our conversations go this way. They're This is our normal conversations during our breaks, mainly about her boyfriend problems love life, work, and school. It’s nothing too exciting; actually it’s very boring to me. I’m not really a girly girl like some of my friends, so I don’t talk about fashion that much or celebrity gossip.

(Don't characterize your MC based on what she isn't. She needs clear likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, and desires.)

The rest of the day goes like normally,. I work a few more hours, walk home, and pick up my favorite handheld console to escape away from this reality. I’ve recently been playing a visual romance novel game, which seems like the only way I can actually date a guy. My life sucks. I’m currently playing the route for the owner of some café in the game,. He's who happens to be a caring guy that who looks out for the main female character.

MC: Why can’t I find a guy like you in this world that will actually fall for me?

While lying I lie in my bed, my eyelids begin to grow heavy from the light of the game screen, and, b Before I know it, I'm asleep. (I'm a bit confused here. The light from the console would probably keep her awake.)

The glare from the blinding sun burns my eyes, waking me abruptly.

(I’m outside? How did I get outside? Why am I outside? How did I get here? Did I … sleepwalk here? I’ve never done that before.)

I take a glance at my surroundings, but there isn’t anything familiar to me. There appears to be a beach behind me, and in front of me is a small town.

(There is no way I am in This isn't Edelburg …. There’s no beach there We don't have a beach. Where am I?!)

I’m standing in the middle of a quaint little boardwalk that has small shops, bike paths, and food carts. It has a cutesy and calm feeling to it.

I have no clue where I am. I walk along the sidewalk in front of the shops praying for one of them to be open. As I pass the last shop on the boardwalk, I realize my search for someone to help me is futile.

(It must be early in the morning since all the shops seem to be closed. There appears to be no one around. Should I go further into town and find a hotel? I’m sure they someone there can help me.)

With a new plan, I set off to find the main road of this town, but before I do, I am approached by two men.

Punk #1: Need help with somethin’?

MC: No, I’m fine.

Punk #2: Looks like you’re bored….. Wanna have some fun with us?

(I have a bad feeling about this, I need to get away from them and fast. I gotta come up with a lie quick.)

MC: Sorry, but I’m … I-I’m waiting for a friend, so no thank you.

As I turn away from them, the first punk reaches for my armand. I quickly withdraw it from his reach turn away and bolt down the sidewalk.

Punk #1: C’mon,! dDon’t be like that.!

(You can do better than this. The girl-gets-chased-by-bad-guys scenario is so overdone. I'm not saying that this doesn't happen in real life, but seeing it over and over again as a lead-in to a major plot event is tiresome.)

(I need to run!)

I bolt down the sidewalk away from the two men.As I come to a small side road, I take it, trying to get closer to the center of this town. I can hear themloud stompsing loudly of their shoes behind me. as I peer over my shoulder. The look in their eyes tells me that they aren't planning on stopping anytime soon.

I weave my way through town, taking new roads and running down alleyways, hoping to not hit a dead end, but the men don’t seem to have any issues following me. I notice my head starts to hurt as I get further into town, but I ignore it as my top priority is to get away from the men.

(Where the heck am I?!)

The road that I’m on becomes an intersection with only a left and right path, but without thinking I run down the left path and then I spot a garden.

Eventually I come across I head towards a white archway that has red roses entwine around the wood, covered in red roses. Is this the entrance to a garden? (MaybeI can hide in there or maybe someone in there can help me!) bBut before I can pass throughit, I fall through the ground and everything became goes dark.

When I open my eyes, I find myself in an unfamiliar bed, stareing up at an unfamiliar ceiling. My head still hurts and I can barely seem to move. I try to move my body, but it’s not obeying my commands.

????: Oh, you’re finally awake.

A tall man walks over to my side and stares down at me as he towers over my body. A strange man moves to my side. Fear wells up within me. I do not recognize this man and I can’t seem to move away from him. Who is he?

(Move body! Run! Do something!!)

Gwyn <calm>: Now, can I ask you wWhy you’re were you trespassing on in my private garden?

MC: Private garden? Oh! I was trying to get away from some guys who were chasing me. I saw the garden and figured eitherI could either hide there or find someone to help me. I’m sorry,. I didn’t mean to trespass.!

The man sighs as he reaches a hand toward my head and I automatically close my eyes tightly. His cool hand rests on top of my head as if he’s comforting me.

Gwyn <calm>: Well, you can relax now. since tThose punks are long gone. Now we just have to wait for the doctor to get here. He should be here soon.

MC: Doctor? I don’t have the money to pay for a doctor. I’m fine, really. I’ll just leave here and not bother you anymore.

Gwyn <calm>: It was my security system that you tripped as you were trying to find safety, so you don’t need to worry about paying the doctor. Don't worry about it. You tripped my security system as you were trying to find safety, so your care is my responsibility. Besides, the doctor ordered me not to let you move until he gets hereyou're not to move until after you've been examined. Doctor's orders.

MC: So … I tripped your security system?

Gwyn <calm>: Basically, you fell into a large hole. (What kind of person has holes in the ground for security reasons? He's liable for any injuries sustained by his visitors!)

MC: So … I knocked myself out? Is that why I can’t move?

Gwyn takes his hand off my head and points to a box that is hanging on the ceiling above my stomach.

Gwyn <calm>: That’s preventing you from moving. Since you were knocked out, we are taking precautions. Just be patient. (What kind of box is this? Is it magical? Does it generate some kind of forcefield to keep the MC from moving?)

(Okay …. Well, there’s nothing like that on Earth, so where am I? I must be dreaming. That’s it,: it’s all a dream.!)

Gwyn <calm>: By the way, what’s your name?

MC: [MC].

Gwyn <smile>: You can may call me Gwyn.

After a short while, the doctor arrives and runs some tests on me to make sure I’m okay. He gives me some medicine for my headache and tells Gwyn to turn off the box on the ceiling so I can walk around.

After the doctor leaves, I take the medicine and sit up in the bed. Now being able to move, I can see just how lavish this small guest bedroom is. I look over to Gwyn as he’s leaning against a nearby wall.

MC: Where am I?

Gwyn <calm>: In one of the guest rooms in my home.

MC: No, I mean this town.! One minute I go to sleep in my home and the next thing I know, I’m waking up near the beach. I have never seen this town before….I fell asleep at home playing a video game, and when I woke up, I was lying near a beach! I don’t know how I got here.

Gwyn looks at me as if I’m crazy.

Gwyn <calm>: You’re in Mimsboro.

MC: Mimsboro? Never heard of it.

Gwyn <calm>: Where are you from?

MC: Edelburg, Ohio.

Gwyn <thinking>: Never heard of it. So what are you going to do now?

(I’m currently penniless, so I need to do something about that….)

MC: Well, I need to find a job and a hotel to stay at until I can figure out how to get home. Do you know of any places that are hiring? Well . . . I need to find a job and a place to stay until I can figure out how to get home. Is anyone around here hiring?

He cocks his head in thoughtand once it seems like he has an idea he looks back at me.

Gwyn <thinking>: Have you ever worked in a café or restaurant?

I nod my head, and a smile appears on his lips Gwyn smiles.

Gwyn <calm>: I have a café on the lower level of my home and we could use the extra help. I own a café, and we could use some extra help. It's on the lower level, actually.You can're welcome to stay here since you don’t know the area,; it’ll be safer. aAnd it’ll be easier for you to go to and from work. You won’t get lost, followed by punks, or fall into anymore any more holes. Is that okay all right with you?

(Is Gwyn's house similar to a bed and breakfast?)

(Hmm….. It would be convenient, and he Gwyn doesn’t seem like a bad person. And it’s this is just a dream, anyway, so I can be a little adventurous.)

I smile at Gwyn as I answer him.

MC: Yes, that’ll be fine. and I will work hard. Thank you so much.! I'll work hard!

Gwyn <smile>: Okay, well you better get some more rest and later today I will introduce you to everyone. Excellent! Get some rest. You'll be meeting the rest of the staff later today.

Hours later… A few hours later, Gwyn takes me to the shop to introduce me to everyone.

Gwyn <big smile>: Everyone, gather around. This is [MC],; she’ll be working and living here starting tomorrow and she’ll be living on the second floor.

MC: Hello,. I look forward to working with you of all.

One of the men looks like he’s glaring at me before he starts to speak to me, giving me the chills glares at me. He doesn't look very friendly.

???? <Emil: annoyed>: I’m Emil, I’m the manager and directly below Gwyn. I expect no trouble from you. You're to cause no trouble, understand?

(Why are you so angry? What did I do?)

???? #2 <Harlan: smile>: Emil, stop being so cold.! I’m Harlan. and iIf you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask me.!

(He seems nice… unlike the last one.) Well, Harlan seems nice enough. Emil could probably learn a thing or two about manners from him.

???? #3 <Rory: big smile>: Gwyn, she’s a cutie! Where’d you find herat?

The younger male looks closely into my face to the point that I have to back away. He leans forward eagerly and gazes at me.

(Aaand… And that’s too nice.Why are you so close to me?)

Gwyn pushes the kid back away from me.

Gwyn <sigh>: Rory, you need to learn about personal space. She [MC] actually fell into one of my security system traps as she was trying to escape from some punks. [MC] She said she was looking for a job and a place to stay, so I offered both.

Emil glares even harder at me after hearing this explanation.

Emil <concern>: I mean Nno disrespect, sir, but you didn’t even interview her?

Emil <angry>: You just took in some… some…homeless person?

???? #4 <Sven: calm>: I don’t see the harm in this it….. We do need the help.... Have you worked in this industry before?

(Did he just ask me a question? I could can barely hear him.)

MC: Did you ask if I have worked in a café before?

The boy slowly nods his head in reply.

MC: Yes,I have been a server, a busser, and dishwasher, but I’ve never made the drinks or food before.

Harlan <sigh>: You need to learn to speak louder up, Sven.

Gwyn <calm>: So one of you will be training her starting tomorrow. Who would you like to have training you will it be, [MC]?
I'm an aspiring writer and voice talent with a passion for literature and an unhealthy attachment to video games. I am also a seasoned typo-sniper. Inquiries are encouraged. Friendly chats are welcome.
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