Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

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pocoscon
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Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#1 Post by pocoscon »

This is a scene for an upcoming game called Lethal Love. It's something I've been writing all day, and plan to use it as base for the final draft later on. However, before I even move forwards to rewrite it, I'd like to know what people think of the writing, emotion, and my two main characters Shin and Mari. The 'mature' scene isn't anything graphic, and I'm not even sure I can classify it as mature :lol: . Just want to be safe. I'll admit this is also my first time, okay kind of first time, writing this, so any advice is wanted. Thanks to anyone who reads this :)



('Mature Scene')
Rain, a sign of life, and also sadness.
Today is a perfect day for it. After everything that's happened, I'm not surprised to see it coming down. Maybe mom was right...maybe the rain really did follow me.
M “I should find shelter.”
I keep telling myself that over and over again, but my feet remain still.
I stare up into the sky, rain hitting me nonstop.
I watch as raindrops hit the pavement, quickly fading into a puddle of water, melding into the other raindrops, becoming the same. Sometimes a drop wouldn't merge into a puddle, but instead sit still on the pavement, all by its lonesome. Those drops remind me of myself.
s(shin) “Mari, is that you?”
I turn and see Shin just a few steps away from me, holding a black umbrella.
S “What're you doing out here in the pouring rain?”
m “I-I don't know.”
s “Well come on. You need to get dry before you catch a cold.”
m “No...I wanna stay here.”
s “Don't be ridiculous. It's raining, not to mention the fact that it's nighttime.”
m “I can't okay...I don't have enough money for a taxi.”
Shin sighs, and looks away for a moment.
S “Come to my room...”
M “What?”
s “I don't mean it like that!”
He says crossly.
s “But you need a place to stay right?”
I nod.
s “Then you can stay with me for the night.”
m “Don't you have a business meeting though?”
s “Ended today, so tomorrow, you and I can go back together.”
s “So what do you say?”
m “Well-”
A sudden bolt of lighting startles us.
The soft rain quickly turns into bursts of water, slamming on the ground hard.
M “Okay, I'll come.”
s “Good. My hotel is this way.”
I run over to Shin, and grasp the umbrella along with him.
To my surprise, I actually am able to get most of my body under it, and not push Shin out.
S “We better hurry, it's getting harder.”
m “R-right.”

(Scene goes to his hotel room.)
So this is what one of the luxury rooms look like. Seems more like an apartment then an actual hotel room.
S “You look cold. Why not take a shower?”
I flinch.
It takes my brain a moment to freaking realize that I'm in a hotel room with a guy. Crap.
m “S-shower?”
s “Yes, so you don't get sick.”
m “Oh. R-right.”
Got to get these dirty thoughts out of my head!
M “I-I'll try not to take long.”
He smiles.
S “Take as long as you like.”
I feel my cheeks burning red.
Kyoko was wrong...Shin did know how to make a girl embarrassed.
m “Um 0-okay!”
I bow, and then quickly rush to the bathroom, hoping he didn't see my face.
(Hotel Bathroom)
I don't know how many girls can ever say in their lives that they bathed in the bathroom with a guy in the other room, but I really don't want to be one of them.
It's embarrassing.
I mean, I know he won't peep, especially since there's not really anything good to look at, but I can't help but still be nervous.
Still, can't deny the water feels good. It's been such a long time since I've been able to take a shower for longer then ten minutes.
But the good feeling I have goes away quickly when I accidentally look to the mirror on the other side of the door.
That's what I am, the girl in the mirror. A literal big mess.
If this bathroom was mine, I would break it. I hate mirrors...Always have.
I've tried my best to never see myself in one, though that's hard when you're in a bathroom, or in the front seat of a car.
I keep looking away, but my eyes always waver back to him as if they wanted me to hate myself more.
This is the worst part though, gazing at myself, and realizing just how unattractive I am.
Whenever I use to do this as a child, I'd always picture myself to be different, to be skinny and pretty, and free from any blemishes.
But as I got older, I gradually accepted what I was, even though it sucked.
h(hiro) “You're just not what I want.”
His words speak in my mind over and over again, making my head hurt.
I quickly look away from the mirror, and turn off the water.
M “Damn it....That fucking bastard....”

(Goes back to hotel room)
m “W-what's all this?”
s “Dinner.”
m “For who?”
s “You of course.”
m “B-but I can't eat this...It looks expensive.”
He smiles warmly.
S “It's fine Mari, really it is.”
s “Besides, from how you looked from before, I doubt you've eaten anything.”
m “True...But you sure it's okay?”
He nods.
m “What about you though?”
s “I had dinner already, so don't worry.”
m “Okay...”
I walk over to the table, and plop down in front of him.
The sweet aroma of steak, corn, and wine overtake me, but I don't eat.
S “What's wrong?”
m “I-I um...w-well-”
I can't just plain our right tell him that I'm nervous having him watch me eat. It's too rude.
S “.....”
s “Ah, I just remembered, I have some files I have to look over for the office.”
s “I'll go do that, and you just eat, okay?”
m “Y-yeah...but-.”
s “Take your time.”
He gets up from the table, and heads over to the desk.
Did he just read my mind?
(Scene fades back to hotel room)
He might not be in front of me, but it's still really hard to eat. I can't see him, but it feels like Shin is staring at me from behind.
I slowly eat, trying my best not to make sounds or rush it.
Every now and then, I hear Shin mutter something to himself, afraid that it's because of me, but when he says something about his work, some ease comes back to my throat.
I can't deny that eating like this is lonely, and yes, awkward. I don't think Shin cares how I eat....or if he does then I shouldn't care.
I just really want to talk to him. It'll make the atmosphere a little less depressing.
M “Hey Shin...”
Still haven't got use to calling him that.
s “Yes?”
He asks warmly.
M “I know this may be weird to ask, but do you have any regrets?”
s “Regrets?”
m “Yeah...like something you wished you had done, or hadn't done.”
The mood is quiet again, but not as awkward.
From what I learned about Shin, he's one to think about his answers.
S “Yes...”
This was the first time I heard such sadness in his voice.
I am tempted to turn around, so I can see what expression he has, but keep my eyes on the food.
S “What about you?”
m “Haha, of course I do. Like failing tests, or getting trouble, or even stupidly falling in the street. I have a ton of things I regret.”
And I have one for right now. The regret of not keeping my mouth shut.
S “I think those are more of mistakes Mari. We all have them. Nothing to be ashamed about.”
I sigh.
M “Well there stupid mistakes.”
s “Why do you say that?”
m “Because people shouldn't do things like that...I-it....it makes them look weak.”
S “They don't make you weak Mari.”
s “They make you human.”
I say nothing to his words, but take in what he says.
He is right...they make me human...but at the same time, I still feel like a fool whenever I make them.
If I was more careful, and even smarter, maybe he would've stayed with me.
My eyes become watery at just the though of that selfish prick.
Great...Couldn't have picked the worse time to become emotional.
S “So Mari, have you ever finished one of your stories?”
I freeze from his question. He actually remembers my love for writing?
m “No sadly...I have never finished one.”
s “Why?”
m “Writers block....it always stops me cold at certain points.”
m “Kyoko says I get it so often because I don't have a solid story, but I actually think it's because I'm not really creative.”
s “I don't think that's true. You seem very creative to me.”
m “But we've known each other for only a few weeks.”
s “I'm very good at reading people.”
m “Heh, Kyoko says the same thing.”
He lets out a small laugh
s “She has to get it from somewhere.”
m “Haha, yeah.”
Shin goes back to typing, but I know he has his ears wide open.
I turn to him, feeling stupid that we're talking while not facing each other.
He stops when he sees me staring at him, and smiles.
S “Done?”
m “Yeah....Sorry about that.”
s “Don't be. I'm not too fond of people watching me eat either.”
So he did know what I was thinking.
S “Was it good though?”
m “Yes, very.”
s “I'm glad. You look better too. Color has come back into your cheeks.”
I hope it's not the color red.
S “Tell me though, why were you out there in the rain so late?”
s “We're you meeting Kyoko or Hitomi?”
m “N-no...I-”
My throat stung, preventing me from speaking.
Flashes of Hiro came to me.
They show not only him, but her as well.
M “.....”
s “Are you alright?”
m “Y-yes I-I...”
My mind becomes heavy, and the room blurry.
Their laugh....their kiss....everything comes back.
How he saw me and turned away, like I wasn't even there.
Her damned look....with those conniving eyes.
I grab my chest the more I think about them.
Now my whole body is heavy, and my head is throbbing intensely like something is bashing into it.
I shift back and forth, unable to control my body.
I fall head first, but instead of feeling the hard floor, I feel something soft instead....and warm.
S “What on earth is the matter with you?”
m “Heh, guess I'm a bit sick.”
s “Don't joke Mari. This is serious.”
m “....Aren't I heavy for you?”
s “Huh?”
m “My body...it's got to be heavy for you.”
s “It's not.”
m “Liar.”
s “Come...I'll help you into bed.”
I don't fight him, and just nod. My body is took weak to even stand up, so arguing or questioning the situation is pointless.
Shin helps me up, using his arms to keep my upper half from falling. The both of us then walk over to the bed, and he gently puts me down.
S “Just sleep now Mari...You've had a hard day.”
m “Wait...how did you know that?”
s “Just sleep. I'll be on the couch if you need me.”
I try to utter 'wait', but my throat burns.
I know it's wrong of me to want this, but I don't want him to go...I want him to stay by my side....I don't want to be alone, not even in sleep.

(Dream state)
m “No...don't go...”
h “I've had it Mari. You're just -gross."
m “But you promised...you promised you wouldn't hurt me like the others!”
h “I know, but I can't take it....I-I need someone better.”
m “Or rather you've met someone better! Who is she?”
h “....”
m “It's Rin isn't it? Y-you're dating her.”
h “....”
m “I knew it!”
h “Goodbye Mari. I wish you the best.”
m “Wait! Don't go! Don't leave me alone!
(Scene goes to hotel room again)
m “No! No! Don't go! Not again!”
s “Mari, wake up!:
m “No!”
s “Snap out of it Mari!”
My eyes shoot open.
Shin is next to me, his eyes filled with worry.
M “S-shin...”
s “Thank god, you're alright.”
m “....”
s “I'm sorry, but I had to wake you. You were screaming and-”
I wrap my arms around him, and pull him down to me, my eyes burning hard.
It is a dream...just a stupid dream that I've had plenty of times.
But why? Why is it so much worse then before?
s “....”
m “I hate me.”
s “What?”
m “I hate me so much.”
m “Who I am...what I am...what I look like...what I like...I hate it all.”
My hands grip him tighter.
M “If I disappeared...everyone would be happier right? They wouldn't have to be ashamed around me anymore!”
Silence overcome both of us. I keep thinking that Shin will call be crazy or something and then get away from, but he doesn't move.
Should it be awkward that a guy is on top of me, well yes. But it isn't.
This is the first in a long time that I don't feel scared, humiliated, or even embarrassed. Just comforted.
S “Mari...are you...unhappy?”
I nod.
s “But why, you have you're family?”
m “They don't care about me at all...My mom casted me out after I told her what I wanted to do. My sister doesn't even talk to me.”
S “And Hitomi and Kyoko? They're your best friends.
He's right but-
m “The truth is, I'm a nuisance to them...They've always said that I am their beckon of strength, but I'm not. They are mine.”
m “But that's selfish because I feel like I'm using them....like I only want them around because I don't want to be alone.”
m “That's why-”
I tremble against him.
M “That's why I keep wondering if I should leave them alone.”
Pathetically, I cry in his chest.
I'm a grown girl, and I'm crying in front of an older guy. How stupid can I get? He must think I'm a weakling.
S “...It's okay....I understand how you feel.”
m “....”
s “You know you have people who care for you, yet you're still lonely because you feel like they hate you....”
s “You want to run away far right? Far enough so that they can't find you.”
s “But no matter how far you run...you still can't escape yourself...”
Shin's words are for me, but they sound like they're also for someone else.
I want to ask him, but stop as I feel something wet on my shoulder.
M “S-shin?”
s “Pitiful right...for a grown man to be crying like this.”
s “Haha...I actually can't remember the last time I've cried like this.”
He takes one of his hands and covers his face, ashamed.
I don't know what to do accept to keep on holding him. He was so warm....and smelled like cinnamon.
He didn't stop crying though. His voice is so sad, like he's never spoken a word of joy in his life.
M “I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you upset like this.”
S “No...you didn't...”
Shin pulls his head away from the pillow, and looks at me. His eyes are blood shot red, but still hold that beautiful reddish/brown color that made me think he was from another world.
S “....I was right.”
m “Huh?”
He smiles faintly.
s “Whenever I look into your eyes I feel warm...not cold or lifeless.”
This is a very bad time to blush.
M “Um t-thank you. I-I-”
He caresses my face gently, causing my whole body to freeze.
s “She doesn't have those kind of eyes....she shows no love...or compassion.”
Is he talking about Sanae?
Shin leans in closer to me, and my eyes widen.
S “...If only....if only I hadn't been so stupid...”
Before I can protest him to get off of me, his lips press gently against mine.
S “Mmm...”
N-no...I-I've got to push him off.
I try to, but my arms won't listen to me. In fact, not even my brain is fully listening to me, because slowly, I give into his touch.
I don't know if time actually stops, but the kiss is long...so long...and good.
All negative thoughts leave my head, and it feels like I've never had any in the first place.
The warmth was gone though when he finally parted from me. How I wanted for it to stay.
M “U-um-”
He stares at me with an unreadable expression.
Is he disgusted, angry, or happy? I just don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.
I mean, the kiss was amazing, and is sadly my first despite the fact that I had a boyfriend once. But at the same time it was scary because it shouldn't have ever happened.
M “S-shin...w-we really need t-to get-”
My words were stopped by his lips again, this time more forceful.
I try my best to not give in, but my body becomes numb, and leaves me with only the feeling of his lips.
Crap
I wrap my arms around his back to bring him closer to me till our chests touch.
I open my eyes to see his face become a bit flushed, likely by the fact that my breasts were tightly against him.
Still, he doesn't touch them, or look down, but keeps his eyes closed and attention on how I am doing.
He doesn't put his tongue into me, even though we were basically having a make out session.
Shin is just tender, and gentle with me.
I think he easily got that I was a virgin, but I doubt it will even go that far.
But you know what....I don't care if it doesn't.
This is just enough for me.
He's giving my body feeling again, and makes me feel like I'm not just a piece of paper being ready to be cut up. He makes me actually feel like I'm alive.
But how do I make him feel? Does he like my kiss? Do I make him feel better even if it's only a little?
From his soft touch, and blushing face, I say yes, but his expressions are never easy to read.
He finally parts from me, and slowly makes his way to my neck, gently bitting down on it.
I grab his back tighter, trying not to squirm, but his teeth feel a bit sharp.
Shin seems to get the message though, and retracts his teeth, and replaces them with a kiss.
I feel my face burn, but don't stop him.
He keeps kissing at my neck over and over again, at times letting out soft moans.
By accident I move, causing his hand to lay lightly on my breast. Shin quickly moves it away, and stares down at me, face flushed.
S “I-i'm sorry...I-i didn't m-mean to-”
M “It's okay...R-really. I-i shouldn’t have moved.”
It doesn't take him long to notice how I'm covering my body. Heck, I even think he catches it before I do.
S “You're scared?”
m “Um...a little...I-I don't like having people this close.”
s “I-i can stop if you want me to.”
I should say no. How I have to say no. But seeing him like this...and that deep loneliness...just how can I push him away?
m “It's fine...Please don't stop.”
He is surprised by my words, but smiles gently.
He then comes back down to me, and kisses me again, this time more lovingly.
Once again, I easily succumb to his taste, and warmth.
But even with something that feels so good, I know that it will lead to something much worse later on.
Last edited by pocoscon on Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:26 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#2 Post by anon2045 »

While this could benefit from putting some spacing between paragraphs to give it more white space (and make it more approachable), the actual content itself was amazingly written. It was charged with emotion, without being corny, and I loved the characters--both Shin and Mari. I'm still a newbie to this site and to VNs in general, so I don't know what if it would be classified as Mature. Maybe others would give their opinion on that? Still, I think it'll depend a lot on what happens after the excerpt: are you planning to continue the scene or are you skipping to the next day and telling us a summary of what happened?

Your writing style is really gorgeous though. I'm looking forward to when your VN comes out. Good luck!

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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#3 Post by pocoscon »

anon2045 wrote:While this could benefit from putting some spacing between paragraphs to give it more white space (and make it more approachable), the actual content itself was amazingly written. It was charged with emotion, without being corny, and I loved the characters--both Shin and Mari. I'm still a newbie to this site and to VNs in general, so I don't know what if it would be classified as Mature. Maybe others would give their opinion on that? Still, I think it'll depend a lot on what happens after the excerpt: are you planning to continue the scene or are you skipping to the next day and telling us a summary of what happened?

Your writing style is really gorgeous though. I'm looking forward to when your VN comes out. Good luck!
Sorry about that. I should've spaced it a bit more :oops: . But thank you so much for the advice :) . I know that my writing needs a lot of work, but it makes me real happy about the kind words you gave me, and even more happy that it's on a good emotional level and you like Mari and Shin. As for the mature scene, I guess its not really mature, but I just wanted to make sure it wasn't explicit. I'm trying to write the scene in a loving way :) . And I actually am not too sure. I might keep going with it if people think it's recently decently. But I do intend to have this scene in the story ^^. It's important for Shin's path

Oh, and I got a lot of help from my friend Ryuuzey. She helped with some part that were a bit messed up.

Also, I want to welcome you to lemmasoft ^^.
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#4 Post by anon2045 »

Haha, thanks! I hope I didn't break any rules by posting here first though. I should probably head over to the guestbook soon.

Well, a 18+ scene could be both explicit and loving. Being explicit is more about exposure and leaving nothing to do the imagination; whether or not they are particular romantic or caring about it doesn't change it.

But that aside, about your story... I forgot to mention this last time, so I'll do it now. It's rare for stories to delve into topics like negative body image and self-hatred or for the female protagonist to be a plus-sized character. (I think the latter was mentioned in the Lethal Love VN thread.) Part of the reason that I like Mari is because of that as well, that you weren't afraid to the tread the darker, more melancholy side, yet also managing not to overdo angst wise. (Because when some people go dark, they go REALLY dark, and it can be a bit overwhelming. I like it like this. Just enough dark to not make the sweet taste overly sweet.)

However, there is something that makes me feel a bit worried. Mari definitely falls under the passive, doormat archetype, and there is a trend of glamorizing the problematic character traits of this personality. If you haven't read it, I definitely recommend reading the article "Passive Female Characters From a Passive Woman’s Perspective" by Erin. Article link is here. I particularly want to bring this section under your attention:
"The problem lays in the fact that these types of passive heroines reinforce old notions about gender roles and relationships that just aren’t healthy, notions that suggest that an ideal, good woman is someone who does whatever she can to make others happy and does what she is told. {....} However, I don’t think doormat female characters are inherently harmful role models, the likes of which should vanish from fiction. Rather, I think how we present these characters in fiction should be altered. Instead of depicting a complete lack of a backbone as something to be admired in a woman, it should be shown as a type of behavior that some people have, with all the trouble it can bring upon those people. If a doormat character is to be admired, it’s not because she’s so nice that she’ll let others walk all over her, but for, perhaps, her struggle to stand up for herself and gain a backbone. A woman can still be nice without being passive and it takes real effort to flex those assertive muscles after being doormat for some time."

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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#5 Post by pocoscon »

anon2045 wrote:Haha, thanks! I hope I didn't break any rules by posting here first though. I should probably head over to the guestbook soon.

Well, a 18+ scene could be both explicit and loving. Being explicit is more about exposure and leaving nothing to do the imagination; whether or not they are particular romantic or caring about it doesn't change it.

But that aside, about your story... I forgot to mention this last time, so I'll do it now. It's rare for stories to delve into topics like negative body image and self-hatred or for the female protagonist to be a plus-sized character. (I think the latter was mentioned in the Lethal Love VN thread.) Part of the reason that I like Mari is because of that as well, that you weren't afraid to the tread the darker, more melancholy side, yet also managing not to overdo angst wise. (Because when some people go dark, they go REALLY dark, and it can be a bit overwhelming. I like it like this. Just enough dark to not make the sweet taste overly sweet.)

However, there is something that makes me feel a bit worried. Mari definitely falls under the passive, doormat archetype, and there is a trend of glamorizing the problematic character traits of this personality. If you haven't read it, I definitely recommend reading the article "Passive Female Characters From a Passive Woman’s Perspective" by Erin. Article link is here. I particularly want to bring this section under your attention:
"The problem lays in the fact that these types of passive heroines reinforce old notions about gender roles and relationships that just aren’t healthy, notions that suggest that an ideal, good woman is someone who does whatever she can to make others happy and does what she is told. {....} However, I don’t think doormat female characters are inherently harmful role models, the likes of which should vanish from fiction. Rather, I think how we present these characters in fiction should be altered. Instead of depicting a complete lack of a backbone as something to be admired in a woman, it should be shown as a type of behavior that some people have, with all the trouble it can bring upon those people. If a doormat character is to be admired, it’s not because she’s so nice that she’ll let others walk all over her, but for, perhaps, her struggle to stand up for herself and gain a backbone. A woman can still be nice without being passive and it takes real effort to flex those assertive muscles after being doormat for some time."
No, you didn't break the rules XD. Don't worry

And that's what I thought. I was a worried thought because I thought I shouldn't do that for a game like this. I might keep going with this then :)

Thank you so much :) . I will say that it's hard to write her, and not be so dark that the reader will become annoyed with her, or hate the story. However, I see what you mean by passive. Actually, and I don't know it I showed it in the best way, Mari's like with this Shin because the pair have a deep attractive with each other. She can't help, but like him and actually becomes a tad selfish later. I can see why you think she's a bit passive in this scene though, but don't worry. I promise you that Mari isn't like that at all. It just might seem so because she's seeing a guy whose is in much more pain then she is. I can tell you she will have backbone to. That's a major thing I like to give my characters. But I still thank you for the advice and will read the article because I find this writer opinion very interesting. Thanks again for the help :mrgreen:
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#6 Post by sasquatchii »

Rain, a sign of life, and also sadness.
Today is a perfect day for it. After everything that's happened, I'm not surprised to see it coming down. Maybe mom was right...maybe the rain really did follow me.
M “I should find shelter....Yeah...shelter...”
I keep telling myself that over and over again, but my feet remain still.
I stare up into the sky, rain hitting me nonstop.
With every one drop that hits the street I watch as raindrops hit the pavement, quickly fading away into a puddle of water, melding into the other raindrops, becoming the same. Sometimes though, a drop would be lucky enough to be by itself, but would fade into the road. Sometimes a drop wouldn't merge into a puddle, but instead sit still on the pavement, all by its lonesome. Those drops remind me of myself.
((I changed this entire sentence because I felt like it was a little awkward, and also because I think calling raindrops "lucky" is a tad confusing to the reader. You don't really elaborate on why they're lucky, so I cut it completely.))
s(shin) “Mari, is that you?”
I turn and see Shin just a few steps away from me, holding a black umbrella.
S “What're you doing out here in the pouring rain? ”
m “I-I don't know.”
s “Well come on. You need to get dry before you catch a cold.”
m “No...I wanna stay here.”
s “Don't be ridiculous. It's raining, not to mention the fact that it's nighttime.”
m “I can't okay... I don't have enough money for a taxi.”
Shin sighs, and looks away for a moment.
S “Come to my room...
M “What?”
s “I don't mean it like that!”
He says crossly
s “But You need a place to stay right?”
I nod.
s “Then you can stay with me for the night.”
m “Don't you have a business meeting though?”
s “Ended today, so tomorrow, you and I can go back together.”
s “So what do you say?”
m “Well-”
A sudden bolt of lighting startles us.
The soft rain quickly turns into bursts of water, slamming on the ground hard.
M “Okay, I'll come.”
s “Good. My hotel is this way.”
I run over to Shin, and grasp the umbrella along with him.
To my surprise, I actually am able to get most of my body under it, and not push Shin out.
S “We better hurry, it's getting harder.”
m “R-right.”

(Scene goes to his hotel room.)
So this is what one of the luxury rooms looks like. Seems more like an apartment then an actual hotel room.
S “You look cold. Why not take a shower?”
I flinch.
It takes my brain a moment to freaking realize that I'm in a hotel room with a guy. Crap.
m “S-shower?”
s “Yes, so you don't get sick.”
m “Oh. R-right.”
Got to get these dirty thoughts out of my head!
M “I-I'll try not to take long.”
He smiles.
S “Take as long as you like.”
I feel my cheeks burning red.
Kyoko was wrong...Shin did know how to make a girl embarrassed. embarass a girl!
m “Um 0-okay!”
I bow, and then quickly rush to the bathroom, hoping he didn't see my face.
(Hotel Bathroom)
I don't know how many girls can ever say in their lives that they bathed in the bathroom with a guy in the other room, but I really don't want to be one of them.
It's embarrassing.
I mean, I know he won't peep, especially since there's not really anything good to look at, but I can't help but still be feel nervous.
Still, can't deny the water feels good. It's been such a long time since I've been able to take a shower for longer than ten minutes.
But the good feeling I have goes away quickly when I accidentally look to the mirror on the other side of the door.
That's what I am.....the girl in the mirror.....A literal big mess...
If this bathroom was mine, I would break it. I hate mirrors...Always have.
I've tried my best to never see myself in one, though that's hard when you're in a bathroom, or in the front seat of a car.
I keep looking away, but my eyes always waver back to him the mirror as if they wanted me to hate myself more.
This is the worst part though... Gazing at myself, and realizing just how unattractive I am...
Whenever I use to do did this as a child, I'd always pictured myself to be different... differently. I'd see myself as to be skinny and pretty, and free from any blemishes.
But as I got older, I gradually accepted what I was, even though it sucked.
h(hiro) “You're just not what I want...”
His words speak in my mind over and over again, making my head hurt.
I quickly look away from the mirror, and turn off the water.
M “Damn it....That fucking bastard....”

(Goes back to hotel room)
m “W-what's all this?”
s “Dinner.”
m “For who?”
s “You of course.”
m “B-but I can't eat this...It looks expensive.”
He smiles warmly.
S “It's fine Mari, really it is.”
s “Besides, from how you looked from before, I doubt you've eaten anything.”
m “True...But are you sure it's okay?”
He nods.
m “What about you though?”
s “I had dinner already, so don't worry.”
m “Okay...”
I walk over to the table, and plop down in front of him.
The sweet aroma of steak, corn, and wine overtake me, but I don't eat.
S “What's wrong?”
m “I-I um...w-well..”
I can't just plain our right tell him that I'm nervous having him watch me eat. It's too rude.
S “.....”
s “Ah, I just remembered, I have some files I have to look over for the office.”
s “I'll go do that, and you just eat, okay?”
m “Y-yeah...but...”
s “Take your time.”
He gets up from the table, and heads over to the desk.
Did he just read my mind?
(Scene fades back to hotel room)
He might not be in front of me, but it's still really hard to eat. I can't see him, but it feels like Shin is staring at me from behind.
I slowly eat, trying my best not to make sounds or rush it.
Every now and then, I hear Shin mutter something to himself, afraid that it's because of me, but when he says something about his work, some ease comes back to my throat.
I can't deny that eating like this is lonely, and yes, awkward. I don't think Shin cares how I eat....or if he does then I shouldn't care.
I just really want to talk to him. It'll make the atmosphere a little less depressing.
M “Hey Shin...”
Still haven't got use to calling him that.
s “Yes?”
He asks warmly.His tone is warm and friendly.
M “I know this may be weird to ask, but do you have any regrets?”
s “Regrets?”
m “Yeah...like something you wished you had done, or hadn't done.”
The mood is quiet again, but not as awkward.
From what I learned about Shin, he's one to think about his answers.
S “Yes...”
This was the first time I've heard such sadness in his voice.
I'm am tempted to turn around, so I can see what expression he has, but keep my eyes on the food.
S “What about you?”
m “Haha, of course I do. Like failing tests, or getting trouble, or even stupidly falling in the street. I have a ton of things I regret.”
And I have one for right now. The regret of not keeping my mouth shut.
S “I think those are more of mistakes Mari. We all have them. Nothing to be ashamed about.”
I sigh.
M “Well there stupid mistakes....”
s “Why do you say that?”
m “Because people shouldn't do things like that...I-it....it makes them look weak.”
S “They don't make you weak Mari.”
s “They make you human.”
I say nothing to his words, but take in what he says.
He is right...they make me human...but at the same time, I still feel like a fool whenever I make them.
If I was more careful, and even smarter, maybe he would've stayed with me.
My eyes become watery at just the thought of that selfish prick.
Great...Couldn't have picked the worse time to become emotional.
S “So Mari, have you ever finished one of your stories?”
I freeze from his question. He actually remembers my love for writing?
m “No sadly... I've have never finished one.”
s “Why?”
m “Writers block....It always stops me cold at certain points.”
m “Kyoko says I get it so often because I don't have a solid story, but I actually think it's because I'm not really creative.”
s “I don't think that's true. You seem very creative to me.”
m “But we've known each other for only a few weeks.”
s “I'm very good at reading people.”
m “Heh, Kyoko says the same thing.”
He lets out a small laugh
s “She has to get it from somewhere.”
m “Haha, yeah.”
Shin goes back to typing, but I know he has his ears wide open.
I turn to him, feeling stupid that we're talking while not facing each other.
He stops when he sees me staring at him, and smiles.
S “Done?”
m “Yeah.... Sorry about that.”
s “Don't be. I'm not too fond of people watching me eat either.”
So he did know what I was thinking.
S “Was it good though?”
m “Yes, very.”
s “I'm glad. You look better too. Color has come back into your cheeks.”
I hope it's not the color red.
S “Tell me though, why were you out there in the rain so late?”
s “We're you meeting Kyoko or Hitomi?”
m “N-no...I-”
My throat stung, preventing me from speaking.
Flashes of Hiro came to me.
They show not only him, but her as well.
M “.....”
s “Are you alright?”
m “Y-yes I-I...”
My mind becomes heavy, and the room blurry.
Their laugh....their kiss....everything comes back.
How he saw me and turned away, like I wasn't even there.
Her damned look....with those conniving eyes.
I grab my chest the more I think about them.
Now my whole body is heavy, and my head is throbbing intensely like something is bashing into it.
I shift back and forth, unable to control my body.
I fall head first, but instead of feeling the hard floor, I feel something soft instead....and warm.
S “What on earth is the matter with you?”
m “Heh, guess I'm a bit sick.”
s “Don't joke Mari. This is serious.”
m “....Aren't I heavy for you?”
s “Huh?”
m “My body...it's got to be heavy for you....”
s “It's not.”
m “Liar.”
s “Come...I'll help you into bed.”
I don't fight him, and just nod. My body is took weak to even stand up, so arguing or questioning the situation is pointless.
Shin helps me up, using his arms to keep my upper half from falling. The both of us then walk over to the bed, and he gently puts me down.
S “Just sleep now Mari...You've had a hard day.”
m “Wait...how did you know that?”
s “Just sleep. I'll be on the couch if you need me.”
I try to utter 'wait', but my throat burns.
I know it's wrong of me to want this, but I don't want him to go...I want him to stay by my side....I don't want to be alone, not even in sleep.

(Dream state)
m “No...don't go...”
h “I've had it Mari....You're just....gross...
m “But you promised...you promised you wouldn't hurt me like the others!”
h “I know, but I can't take it...I-I need someone better....
m “Or rather you've met someone better! Who is she?”
h “....”
m “It's Rin isn't it? Y-you're dating her.”
h “....”
m “I knew it!”
h “Goodbye Mari. I wish you the best.”
m “Wait! Don't go! Don't leave me alone!
(Scene goes to hotel room again)
m “No! No! Don't go! Not again!”
s “Mari, wake up!:
m “No!”
s “Snap out of it Mari!”
My eyes shoot open.
Shin is next to me, his eyes filled with worry.
M “S-shin...”
s “Thank god, you're alright.”
m “....”
s “I'm sorry, but I had to wake you. You were screaming and-”
I wrap my arms around him, and pull him down to me, my eyes burning hard.
It is a dream...just a stupid dream that I've had plenty of times.
But why? Why is it so much worse then before?
s “....”
m “I hate me.”
s “What?”
m “I hate me so much.”
m “Who I am...what I am...what I look like...what I like...I hate it all.”
My hands grip him tighter.
M “If I disappeared...everyone would be happier right? They wouldn't have to be ashamed around me anymore!”
Silence overcomes both of us. I keep thinking that Shin will call be crazy or something and then get away from, but he doesn't move.
Should it be awkward that a guy is on top of me, well yes. But it isn't.
This is the first in a long time that I don't feel scared, humiliated, or even embarrassed. Just comforted.
S “Mari...are you...unhappy?”
I nod.
s “But why, you have you're family?”"But why? Doesn't your family take care of you?"
m “They don't care about me at all...My mom casted me out after I told her what I wanted to do. My sister doesn't even talk to me.”
S “And Hitomi and Kyoko? They're your best friends.
He's right but-
m “The truth is, I'm a nuisance to them...They've always said that I am their beacon of strength, but I'm not. They are mine.”
m “But that's selfish because I feel like I'm using them....like I only want them around because I don't want to be alone.”
m “That's why-”
I tremble against him.
M “That's why I keep wondering if I should leave them alone.”
Pathetically, I cry into his chest.
I'm a grown girl, and I'm crying in front of an older guy. How stupid can I get? He must think I'm a weakling.
S “...It's okay....I understand how you feel.”
m “....”
s “You know you have people who care for you, yet you're still lonely because you feel like they hate you....”
s “You want to run away far right? Far enough so that they can't find you.”
s “But no matter how far you run...you still can't escape yourself...”
Shin's words are for me, but they sound like they're also for someone else.
I want to ask him, but stop as I feel something wet on my shoulder.
M “S-shin?”
s “Pitiful right...for a grown man to be crying like this....”
s “Haha...I actually can't remember the last time I've cried like this.”
He takes one of his hands and covers his face, ashamed.
I don't know what to do accept to keep on holding him. He'swas so warm....and smelled He smells like cinnamon.
He didn't stop crying though. His voice is so sad, like he's never spoken a word of joy in his life.
M “I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you upset like this.”
S “No...you didn't...”
Shin pulls his head away from the pillow, and looks at me. His eyes are blood shot red, but still hold that beautiful reddish/brown color that made me think he was from another world.
S “....I was right....”
m “Huh?”
He smiles faintly.
s “Whenever I look into your eyes I feel warm...not cold or lifeless.”
This is a very bad time to blush.
M “Um t-thank you. I-I-”
He caresses my face gently, causing my whole body to freeze.
s “She doesn't have those kind of eyes....she shows no love...or compassion.”
Is he talking about Sanae?
Shin leans in closer to me, and my eyes widen.
S “...If only....if only I hadn't been so stupid...”
Before I can protest him to get off of me, his lips press gently against mine.
S “Mmm...”
N-no...I-I've got to push him off.
I try to, but my arms won't listen to me. In fact, not even my brain is fully listening to me, because slowly, I give into his touch.
I don't know if time actually stops, but the kiss is long...so long...and good...
All negative thoughts leave my head, and it feels like I've never had any in the first place.
The warmth was gone though when he finally parted from me. How I wanted for it to stay.
M “U-um...”
He stares at me with an unreadable expression.
Is he disgusted, angry, or happy? I just don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.
I mean, the kiss was amazing, and is sadly my first despite the fact that I had a boyfriend once. But at the same time it was scary because it shouldn't have ever happened.
M “S-shin...w-we really need t-to get-”
My words were stopped by his lips again, this time more forceful.
I try my best to not give in, but my body becomes numb, and leaves me with only the feeling of his lips.
Crap.
I wrap my arms around his back to bring him closer to me till our chests touch.
I open my eyes to see his face become a bit flushed, likely by the fact that my breasts were tightly against him.
Still, he doesn't touch them, or look down, but keeps his eyes closed and pays attention on to how I am doing.
He doesn't put his tongue into me, even though we were basically having a make out session.
Shin is just tender, and gentle with me.
I think he easily got that I was a virgin, but I doubt it will even go that far.
But you know what....I don't care if it doesn't...
This is just enough for me....
He's giving my body feeling again, and makes me feel like I'm not just a piece of paper being ready to be cut up. He makes me actually feel like I'm alive.
But how do I make him feel? Does he like my kiss? Do I make him feel better even if it's only a little?
From his soft touch, and blushing face, I say yes, but his expressions are never easy to read.
He finally parts from me, and slowly makes his way to my neck, gently bitting down on it.
I grab his back tighter, trying not to squirm, but his teeth feel a bit sharp.
Shin seems to get the message though, and retracts his teeth, and replaces them with a kiss.
I feel my face burn, but don't stop him.
He keeps kissing at my neck over and over again, at times letting out soft moans.
By accident I move, causing his hand to lay lightly on my breast. Shin quickly moves it away, and stares down at me, face flushed.
S “I-i'm sorry...I-i didn't m-mean to-”
M “It's okay...R-really. I-i shouldn’t have moved.”
It doesn't take him long to notice how I'm covering my body. Heck, I even think he catches it before I do.
S “You're scared?”
m “Um...a little...I-I don't like having people this close.”
s “I-i can stop if you want me to.”
I should say no. How I have to say no. But seeing him like this...and that deep loneliness...just how can I push him away?
m “It's fine...Please don't stop.”
He is surprised by my words, but smiles gently.
He then comes back down to me, and kisses me again, this time more lovingly.
Once again, I easily succumb to his taste, and warmth.
But even with something that feels so good, I know that it will lead to something much worse later on.
Nice job with everything! Some sentences were awkwardly worded so I made a few minor corrections. Another thing I noticed is you tend to use elipses ( ... ) a lot and overusing it seems to hurt rather than help because I think it's better to allow the reader to fill in the pauses and tension, rather than forcing them there.

This was a little uncomfortable to read for me, because I could relate to the main character when I was a teenager. I used to think I was horrible looking and ugly, but looking back at pictures of myself at that age as an adult, I am blown away because I was actually a pretty cute girl! (in my opinion, heh) But yeah, awesome job with this, reading it basically made me feel like I was in highschool again. I really feel for Mari!! Can't wait to read the rest :)
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pocoscon
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Projects: Black Lotus(Hitatus), Lethal Love,
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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#7 Post by pocoscon »

sasquatchii wrote:
Rain, a sign of life, and also sadness.
Today is a perfect day for it. After everything that's happened, I'm not surprised to see it coming down. Maybe mom was right...maybe the rain really did follow me.
M “I should find shelter....Yeah...shelter...”
I keep telling myself that over and over again, but my feet remain still.
I stare up into the sky, rain hitting me nonstop.
With every one drop that hits the street I watch as raindrops hit the pavement, quickly fading away into a puddle of water, melding into the other raindrops, becoming the same. Sometimes though, a drop would be lucky enough to be by itself, but would fade into the road. Sometimes a drop wouldn't merge into a puddle, but instead sit still on the pavement, all by its lonesome. Those drops remind me of myself.
((I changed this entire sentence because I felt like it was a little awkward, and also because I think calling raindrops "lucky" is a tad confusing to the reader. You don't really elaborate on why they're lucky, so I cut it completely.))
s(shin) “Mari, is that you?”
I turn and see Shin just a few steps away from me, holding a black umbrella.
S “What're you doing out here in the pouring rain? ”
m “I-I don't know.”
s “Well come on. You need to get dry before you catch a cold.”
m “No...I wanna stay here.”
s “Don't be ridiculous. It's raining, not to mention the fact that it's nighttime.”
m “I can't okay... I don't have enough money for a taxi.”
Shin sighs, and looks away for a moment.
S “Come to my room...
M “What?”
s “I don't mean it like that!”
He says crossly
s “But You need a place to stay right?”
I nod.
s “Then you can stay with me for the night.”
m “Don't you have a business meeting though?”
s “Ended today, so tomorrow, you and I can go back together.”
s “So what do you say?”
m “Well-”
A sudden bolt of lighting startles us.
The soft rain quickly turns into bursts of water, slamming on the ground hard.
M “Okay, I'll come.”
s “Good. My hotel is this way.”
I run over to Shin, and grasp the umbrella along with him.
To my surprise, I actually am able to get most of my body under it, and not push Shin out.
S “We better hurry, it's getting harder.”
m “R-right.”

(Scene goes to his hotel room.)
So this is what one of the luxury rooms looks like. Seems more like an apartment then an actual hotel room.
S “You look cold. Why not take a shower?”
I flinch.
It takes my brain a moment to freaking realize that I'm in a hotel room with a guy. Crap.
m “S-shower?”
s “Yes, so you don't get sick.”
m “Oh. R-right.”
Got to get these dirty thoughts out of my head!
M “I-I'll try not to take long.”
He smiles.
S “Take as long as you like.”
I feel my cheeks burning red.
Kyoko was wrong...Shin did know how to make a girl embarrassed. embarass a girl!
m “Um 0-okay!”
I bow, and then quickly rush to the bathroom, hoping he didn't see my face.
(Hotel Bathroom)
I don't know how many girls can ever say in their lives that they bathed in the bathroom with a guy in the other room, but I really don't want to be one of them.
It's embarrassing.
I mean, I know he won't peep, especially since there's not really anything good to look at, but I can't help but still be feel nervous.
Still, can't deny the water feels good. It's been such a long time since I've been able to take a shower for longer than ten minutes.
But the good feeling I have goes away quickly when I accidentally look to the mirror on the other side of the door.
That's what I am.....the girl in the mirror.....A literal big mess...
If this bathroom was mine, I would break it. I hate mirrors...Always have.
I've tried my best to never see myself in one, though that's hard when you're in a bathroom, or in the front seat of a car.
I keep looking away, but my eyes always waver back to him the mirror as if they wanted me to hate myself more.
This is the worst part though... Gazing at myself, and realizing just how unattractive I am...
Whenever I use to do did this as a child, I'd always pictured myself to be different... differently. I'd see myself as to be skinny and pretty, and free from any blemishes.
But as I got older, I gradually accepted what I was, even though it sucked.
h(hiro) “You're just not what I want...”
His words speak in my mind over and over again, making my head hurt.
I quickly look away from the mirror, and turn off the water.
M “Damn it....That fucking bastard....”

(Goes back to hotel room)
m “W-what's all this?”
s “Dinner.”
m “For who?”
s “You of course.”
m “B-but I can't eat this...It looks expensive.”
He smiles warmly.
S “It's fine Mari, really it is.”
s “Besides, from how you looked from before, I doubt you've eaten anything.”
m “True...But are you sure it's okay?”
He nods.
m “What about you though?”
s “I had dinner already, so don't worry.”
m “Okay...”
I walk over to the table, and plop down in front of him.
The sweet aroma of steak, corn, and wine overtake me, but I don't eat.
S “What's wrong?”
m “I-I um...w-well..”
I can't just plain our right tell him that I'm nervous having him watch me eat. It's too rude.
S “.....”
s “Ah, I just remembered, I have some files I have to look over for the office.”
s “I'll go do that, and you just eat, okay?”
m “Y-yeah...but...”
s “Take your time.”
He gets up from the table, and heads over to the desk.
Did he just read my mind?
(Scene fades back to hotel room)
He might not be in front of me, but it's still really hard to eat. I can't see him, but it feels like Shin is staring at me from behind.
I slowly eat, trying my best not to make sounds or rush it.
Every now and then, I hear Shin mutter something to himself, afraid that it's because of me, but when he says something about his work, some ease comes back to my throat.
I can't deny that eating like this is lonely, and yes, awkward. I don't think Shin cares how I eat....or if he does then I shouldn't care.
I just really want to talk to him. It'll make the atmosphere a little less depressing.
M “Hey Shin...”
Still haven't got use to calling him that.
s “Yes?”
He asks warmly.His tone is warm and friendly.
M “I know this may be weird to ask, but do you have any regrets?”
s “Regrets?”
m “Yeah...like something you wished you had done, or hadn't done.”
The mood is quiet again, but not as awkward.
From what I learned about Shin, he's one to think about his answers.
S “Yes...”
This was the first time I've heard such sadness in his voice.
I'm am tempted to turn around, so I can see what expression he has, but keep my eyes on the food.
S “What about you?”
m “Haha, of course I do. Like failing tests, or getting trouble, or even stupidly falling in the street. I have a ton of things I regret.”
And I have one for right now. The regret of not keeping my mouth shut.
S “I think those are more of mistakes Mari. We all have them. Nothing to be ashamed about.”
I sigh.
M “Well there stupid mistakes....”
s “Why do you say that?”
m “Because people shouldn't do things like that...I-it....it makes them look weak.”
S “They don't make you weak Mari.”
s “They make you human.”
I say nothing to his words, but take in what he says.
He is right...they make me human...but at the same time, I still feel like a fool whenever I make them.
If I was more careful, and even smarter, maybe he would've stayed with me.
My eyes become watery at just the thought of that selfish prick.
Great...Couldn't have picked the worse time to become emotional.
S “So Mari, have you ever finished one of your stories?”
I freeze from his question. He actually remembers my love for writing?
m “No sadly... I've have never finished one.”
s “Why?”
m “Writers block....It always stops me cold at certain points.”
m “Kyoko says I get it so often because I don't have a solid story, but I actually think it's because I'm not really creative.”
s “I don't think that's true. You seem very creative to me.”
m “But we've known each other for only a few weeks.”
s “I'm very good at reading people.”
m “Heh, Kyoko says the same thing.”
He lets out a small laugh
s “She has to get it from somewhere.”
m “Haha, yeah.”
Shin goes back to typing, but I know he has his ears wide open.
I turn to him, feeling stupid that we're talking while not facing each other.
He stops when he sees me staring at him, and smiles.
S “Done?”
m “Yeah.... Sorry about that.”
s “Don't be. I'm not too fond of people watching me eat either.”
So he did know what I was thinking.
S “Was it good though?”
m “Yes, very.”
s “I'm glad. You look better too. Color has come back into your cheeks.”
I hope it's not the color red.
S “Tell me though, why were you out there in the rain so late?”
s “We're you meeting Kyoko or Hitomi?”
m “N-no...I-”
My throat stung, preventing me from speaking.
Flashes of Hiro came to me.
They show not only him, but her as well.
M “.....”
s “Are you alright?”
m “Y-yes I-I...”
My mind becomes heavy, and the room blurry.
Their laugh....their kiss....everything comes back.
How he saw me and turned away, like I wasn't even there.
Her damned look....with those conniving eyes.
I grab my chest the more I think about them.
Now my whole body is heavy, and my head is throbbing intensely like something is bashing into it.
I shift back and forth, unable to control my body.
I fall head first, but instead of feeling the hard floor, I feel something soft instead....and warm.
S “What on earth is the matter with you?”
m “Heh, guess I'm a bit sick.”
s “Don't joke Mari. This is serious.”
m “....Aren't I heavy for you?”
s “Huh?”
m “My body...it's got to be heavy for you....”
s “It's not.”
m “Liar.”
s “Come...I'll help you into bed.”
I don't fight him, and just nod. My body is took weak to even stand up, so arguing or questioning the situation is pointless.
Shin helps me up, using his arms to keep my upper half from falling. The both of us then walk over to the bed, and he gently puts me down.
S “Just sleep now Mari...You've had a hard day.”
m “Wait...how did you know that?”
s “Just sleep. I'll be on the couch if you need me.”
I try to utter 'wait', but my throat burns.
I know it's wrong of me to want this, but I don't want him to go...I want him to stay by my side....I don't want to be alone, not even in sleep.

(Dream state)
m “No...don't go...”
h “I've had it Mari....You're just....gross...
m “But you promised...you promised you wouldn't hurt me like the others!”
h “I know, but I can't take it...I-I need someone better....
m “Or rather you've met someone better! Who is she?”
h “....”
m “It's Rin isn't it? Y-you're dating her.”
h “....”
m “I knew it!”
h “Goodbye Mari. I wish you the best.”
m “Wait! Don't go! Don't leave me alone!
(Scene goes to hotel room again)
m “No! No! Don't go! Not again!”
s “Mari, wake up!:
m “No!”
s “Snap out of it Mari!”
My eyes shoot open.
Shin is next to me, his eyes filled with worry.
M “S-shin...”
s “Thank god, you're alright.”
m “....”
s “I'm sorry, but I had to wake you. You were screaming and-”
I wrap my arms around him, and pull him down to me, my eyes burning hard.
It is a dream...just a stupid dream that I've had plenty of times.
But why? Why is it so much worse then before?
s “....”
m “I hate me.”
s “What?”
m “I hate me so much.”
m “Who I am...what I am...what I look like...what I like...I hate it all.”
My hands grip him tighter.
M “If I disappeared...everyone would be happier right? They wouldn't have to be ashamed around me anymore!”
Silence overcomes both of us. I keep thinking that Shin will call be crazy or something and then get away from, but he doesn't move.
Should it be awkward that a guy is on top of me, well yes. But it isn't.
This is the first in a long time that I don't feel scared, humiliated, or even embarrassed. Just comforted.
S “Mari...are you...unhappy?”
I nod.
s “But why, you have you're family?”"But why? Doesn't your family take care of you?"
m “They don't care about me at all...My mom casted me out after I told her what I wanted to do. My sister doesn't even talk to me.”
S “And Hitomi and Kyoko? They're your best friends.
He's right but-
m “The truth is, I'm a nuisance to them...They've always said that I am their beacon of strength, but I'm not. They are mine.”
m “But that's selfish because I feel like I'm using them....like I only want them around because I don't want to be alone.”
m “That's why-”
I tremble against him.
M “That's why I keep wondering if I should leave them alone.”
Pathetically, I cry into his chest.
I'm a grown girl, and I'm crying in front of an older guy. How stupid can I get? He must think I'm a weakling.
S “...It's okay....I understand how you feel.”
m “....”
s “You know you have people who care for you, yet you're still lonely because you feel like they hate you....”
s “You want to run away far right? Far enough so that they can't find you.”
s “But no matter how far you run...you still can't escape yourself...”
Shin's words are for me, but they sound like they're also for someone else.
I want to ask him, but stop as I feel something wet on my shoulder.
M “S-shin?”
s “Pitiful right...for a grown man to be crying like this....”
s “Haha...I actually can't remember the last time I've cried like this.”
He takes one of his hands and covers his face, ashamed.
I don't know what to do accept to keep on holding him. He'swas so warm....and smelled He smells like cinnamon.
He didn't stop crying though. His voice is so sad, like he's never spoken a word of joy in his life.
M “I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you upset like this.”
S “No...you didn't...”
Shin pulls his head away from the pillow, and looks at me. His eyes are blood shot red, but still hold that beautiful reddish/brown color that made me think he was from another world.
S “....I was right....”
m “Huh?”
He smiles faintly.
s “Whenever I look into your eyes I feel warm...not cold or lifeless.”
This is a very bad time to blush.
M “Um t-thank you. I-I-”
He caresses my face gently, causing my whole body to freeze.
s “She doesn't have those kind of eyes....she shows no love...or compassion.”
Is he talking about Sanae?
Shin leans in closer to me, and my eyes widen.
S “...If only....if only I hadn't been so stupid...”
Before I can protest him to get off of me, his lips press gently against mine.
S “Mmm...”
N-no...I-I've got to push him off.
I try to, but my arms won't listen to me. In fact, not even my brain is fully listening to me, because slowly, I give into his touch.
I don't know if time actually stops, but the kiss is long...so long...and good...
All negative thoughts leave my head, and it feels like I've never had any in the first place.
The warmth was gone though when he finally parted from me. How I wanted for it to stay.
M “U-um...”
He stares at me with an unreadable expression.
Is he disgusted, angry, or happy? I just don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.
I mean, the kiss was amazing, and is sadly my first despite the fact that I had a boyfriend once. But at the same time it was scary because it shouldn't have ever happened.
M “S-shin...w-we really need t-to get-”
My words were stopped by his lips again, this time more forceful.
I try my best to not give in, but my body becomes numb, and leaves me with only the feeling of his lips.
Crap.
I wrap my arms around his back to bring him closer to me till our chests touch.
I open my eyes to see his face become a bit flushed, likely by the fact that my breasts were tightly against him.
Still, he doesn't touch them, or look down, but keeps his eyes closed and pays attention on to how I am doing.
He doesn't put his tongue into me, even though we were basically having a make out session.
Shin is just tender, and gentle with me.
I think he easily got that I was a virgin, but I doubt it will even go that far.
But you know what....I don't care if it doesn't...
This is just enough for me....
He's giving my body feeling again, and makes me feel like I'm not just a piece of paper being ready to be cut up. He makes me actually feel like I'm alive.
But how do I make him feel? Does he like my kiss? Do I make him feel better even if it's only a little?
From his soft touch, and blushing face, I say yes, but his expressions are never easy to read.
He finally parts from me, and slowly makes his way to my neck, gently bitting down on it.
I grab his back tighter, trying not to squirm, but his teeth feel a bit sharp.
Shin seems to get the message though, and retracts his teeth, and replaces them with a kiss.
I feel my face burn, but don't stop him.
He keeps kissing at my neck over and over again, at times letting out soft moans.
By accident I move, causing his hand to lay lightly on my breast. Shin quickly moves it away, and stares down at me, face flushed.
S “I-i'm sorry...I-i didn't m-mean to-”
M “It's okay...R-really. I-i shouldn’t have moved.”
It doesn't take him long to notice how I'm covering my body. Heck, I even think he catches it before I do.
S “You're scared?”
m “Um...a little...I-I don't like having people this close.”
s “I-i can stop if you want me to.”
I should say no. How I have to say no. But seeing him like this...and that deep loneliness...just how can I push him away?
m “It's fine...Please don't stop.”
He is surprised by my words, but smiles gently.
He then comes back down to me, and kisses me again, this time more lovingly.
Once again, I easily succumb to his taste, and warmth.
But even with something that feels so good, I know that it will lead to something much worse later on.
Nice job with everything! Some sentences were awkwardly worded so I made a few minor corrections. Another thing I noticed is you tend to use elipses ( ... ) a lot and overusing it seems to hurt rather than help because I think it's better to allow the reader to fill in the pauses and tension, rather than forcing them there.

This was a little uncomfortable to read for me, because I could relate to the main character when I was a teenager. I used to think I was horrible looking and ugly, but looking back at pictures of myself at that age as an adult, I am blown away because I was actually a pretty cute girl! (in my opinion, heh) But yeah, awesome job with this, reading it basically made me feel like I was in highschool again. I really feel for Mari!! Can't wait to read the rest :)
You don't know how grateful I am for the advice :D . I'm sorry about all the elipses. I can see what you mean. I guess I use them because sometimes it feels like they are good for a dramatic pause. But you're right in that they're are annoying. As for some of the weird phrasing, again I am sorry. I'm trying to learn to stop doing that. It's because I'm not the most social person, and don't always know how people normally talk.

I'm sorry it was uncomfortable for you. It was for me when I wrote it. But I'm really happy you still enjoyed it, and felt for Mari. I also hoped you liked Shin, and think he'll be a good character.

The only problem is, I don't know if I can continue this project because my artist decided she wasn't really into the whole vn thing. I'll continue writing though, but hope I can get some help to bring this to life. Still, I'm grateful for the feedback, and am glad this scene was emotional. Thanks again :mrgreen:
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

pinkmouse
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Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2009 7:47 am
Projects: A renpy beginner - test projects only atm
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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#8 Post by pinkmouse »

Hi Posocon

This is a cut & paste from your future visual/kinetic novel, yes?

If it is, then I suggest you switch to the artist side and scan in some sketchy placeholder images before working any further on the text. That's because the images do some of the storytelling, so you can end up putting in a lot of work getting a sentence/paragraph exactly right, only to toss it out completely when you realize that the reader will already know that it's night-time, or that Shin is annoyed, etc. because you have a picture giving them that information already. These projects are a lot of effort, so it's important to waste as little work as possible.

Don't spend a lot of time on those sketches either -- keep them deliberately "low investment" so that you can change or toss them without heartache. Stick figures and scribbled notes about specifically what this picture is for (in storytelling terms) are fine. e.g. a picture of a purse, with a note: "food spilling out where M has hidden it" (or whatever - obviously I don't know the plot.)

Once you're confident you've got the drawing/writing balance right, then go ahead and polish, tweak (obsess, agonize, alter, curse :D ) confident that the effort you put in will end up in the finished story and not the wastebasket.

--
Re: passive heroines, social awareness and all that:

Those sort of considerations are for later. Your job right now is to create those characters as honestly and unflinchingly as you are able. You have to get under that character's skin and see the world through their eyes. You can't do that while allowing space in your head for a social conscience tut-tutting because the character is potty-mouthed, or a user, or a snob or whatever.

If you later want to soft-pedal or airbrush what you've written in order to make your story more fun, more accessible, to avoid offending your parents/partner/boss/friend whom you based it on* or to cut down on the crazies invading your inbox (to name only a few reasonable reasons) then do so, but you can't do that right now. Those considerations use a different part of your brain and you'll end up deadlocked.

*changes for this reason are especially important. You know: avoiding that whole lawsuit thing! :oops:

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pocoscon
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Projects: Black Lotus(Hitatus), Lethal Love,
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Re: Need Critique on Lethal Love Scene (A Tad Mature)

#9 Post by pocoscon »

pinkmouse wrote:Hi Posocon

This is a cut & paste from your future visual/kinetic novel, yes?

If it is, then I suggest you switch to the artist side and scan in some sketchy placeholder images before working any further on the text. That's because the images do some of the storytelling, so you can end up putting in a lot of work getting a sentence/paragraph exactly right, only to toss it out completely when you realize that the reader will already know that it's night-time, or that Shin is annoyed, etc. because you have a picture giving them that information already. These projects are a lot of effort, so it's important to waste as little work as possible.

Don't spend a lot of time on those sketches either -- keep them deliberately "low investment" so that you can change or toss them without heartache. Stick figures and scribbled notes about specifically what this picture is for (in storytelling terms) are fine. e.g. a picture of a purse, with a note: "food spilling out where M has hidden it" (or whatever - obviously I don't know the plot.)

Once you're confident you've got the drawing/writing balance right, then go ahead and polish, tweak (obsess, agonize, alter, curse :D ) confident that the effort you put in will end up in the finished story and not the wastebasket.

--
Re: passive heroines, social awareness and all that:

Those sort of considerations are for later. Your job right now is to create those characters as honestly and unflinchingly as you are able. You have to get under that character's skin and see the world through their eyes. You can't do that while allowing space in your head for a social conscience tut-tutting because the character is potty-mouthed, or a user, or a snob or whatever.

If you later want to soft-pedal or airbrush what you've written in order to make your story more fun, more accessible, to avoid offending your parents/partner/boss/friend whom you based it on* or to cut down on the crazies invading your inbox (to name only a few reasonable reasons) then do so, but you can't do that right now. Those considerations use a different part of your brain and you'll end up deadlocked.

*changes for this reason are especially important. You know: avoiding that whole lawsuit thing! :oops:

I understand what you mean. It's sometimes hard to not add something like their expressions or time of day. I guess I just did it so the flow would go a bit better. I won't add those parts in the actual game though =). And you're right about the art as well. Also, thank for the feed back :mrgreen:
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

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