Critique on the Visual Novel I'm Working On

[Lucy1212]

I'm including the first part of the visual novel that I'm working on called Demetri's Adventure. I'd like some critique on the writing. Just the writing. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks in advance!

[sonorousgem]

Hello!
While I'm not a writing pro or anything, I thought I'd give you my two cents on the writing of your VN as you requested~
I like it; it's not bad or anything. There weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes that I could tell, and no parts that stuck out as confusing.
I don't know if it was intentional, but I couldn't get past a certain part of the story-- specifically,

once you choose Lola or Alex to corrupt

as shown here:

Code: Select all

I'm sorry, but an uncaught exception occurred.

While running game code:
  File "game/script.rpy", line 456, in script
    jump lola_path
ScriptError: could not find label 'lola_path'.

To me, your style seems very straightforward. There's a lot of dialogue and not so much narration, which is okay. If you'd had more narration, though, I feel like your style would've been more distinct: that way, it'd have so much more potential to delve into details or emotions, etc.
I liked your characters, but none of them really stuck out. Demetri, for example, seemed pretty generic in his way of thinking and the way he chose to interact with his bat, and his interactions with the humans weren't enough to assess what he was possibly thinking... I guess I didn't find him very relatable. The bat (Harry? Henry? Sorry XD) reminded me of a general henchman (though that seemed like that was what you were going for), and the girls didn't stand out either, though I appreciated the nice little lines you wrote for all of them to say.

(sidenote: I can't believe you made me do math in the first choice. XD)

Also, I couldn't really find an overarching theme or something that could tie the whole thing together, and was not able to tell if Demetri or anyone would grow to become a better or worse demon/person/bat. It was all kind of ambiguous.
I guess I generally prefer a more colorful (but still straightforward) way of shaping characters and their scenarios, and a good idea of where the story is headed (or surprises. I do like surprises). I liked it though, and it'll be interesting to see where you're going with this

[Lucy1212]

Thanks. I'm really glad you overall like my writing. I'm planning to add more depth for the characters as things go on, though now that you pointed it out, Demetri could use a more distinct character. Thanks for the feedback!

[sasquatchii]

Well, it is kind of comical, and I like the silly banter between Harry & Demetri at the beginning. But I feel like the intro isn't strong enough the way it currently is. I like the concept of a bored demon, but the way it's written could be redone to make it even better. The beginning of your story is extremely important because this is the point where you grab the player and bring them into the world you've created, making them want to continue to play your game. For some ideas of what well crafted story beginnings look like, check out this link: http://americanbookreview.org/100bestlines.asp

Also, if you choose to go to the library after the first lunch (where you can choose to talk to lola or someone else) you run into Alex, and Demetri says, "I spot alex sitting by herself in the corner, reading a book." But if we haven't met alex already, this is a little confusing. Who the heck is alex? And why's she being so mean? Also, when she gets mad, I had a bug where I couldn't see her (I've attached a pic to show this.)\

And I got the same error that sonorousgem did, which ended the game for me as I was not able to continue playing.

Overall, I actually really liked it. It was light hearted, silly, and fun. I think you'd benefit from going back and doing some editing, tweaking things here and there to make them really shine. Also having proof readers, editors, & idea bouncers also helps! Good luck