In Real Need of Critique for Scene

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pocoscon
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In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#1 Post by pocoscon »

Hey, I've just written a kind of random scene for an upcoming game of mine called Black Lotus. It's a 'simple' scene, kind of, and features one of the guys you can get. I'd like feedback on writing and characters, though it might seem a bit too short. Anyway, I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read this and help me out :)

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	Over and over again he keeps stabbing him. His eyes wide and fearsome, like any shred of hope he had went with the truth he heard. 
	Keith's whole being only holds rage now, rage that I myself had a long time ago against my own father. 
	It's a frightening site. 
	For as long as I've known him, he's always kept something like this in check, never allowing his inner hate take over and kill the one he held most dear. 
	Now though, all that doesn't matter to him. He just wants his father to wash away. Away from him, away from his sister, away from life...All of him gone. 
	And yet, I hate it. I hate seeing him like this. 
	He's come so far, finally finding a reason to keep going and not stay confined to the hate he's been feeling towards his father and this town. 
	Y(Yasu) “Keith, stop it!”
	I cried. 
	He ceases his hands and looks to me, eyes wide. 
	K	“Don't you dare!”
	He says angrily. 
	K	“Don't you dare try to stop me!”
	He turns back to his father and smiles. 
	K	“This bastard deserves it!”
	He lifts the knife over his head and stabs violently at the heart. 
	I quickly get up and grab his hands, ignoring the deathly glare his gives me. 
	Y	“You idiot! If you keep doing this, you'll succumb to the very thing you hated! Do you want that?!”
	He tries to push me away, but I keep my grip. Even I have moments of strength in my life. 
	K	“Let go of the knife! Now!”
	y	“What will doing this accomplish?!”
	k	“Heh,nothing except for the wonderful feeling of making me feel better!”
	His pupils turn to slits, and his tongue comes in and out of his mouth. 
	Crap, he's changing. 
	Quickly I push him away from the knife and stand up with it in my hands. 
	Keith slowly stands, but has his eyes on his dad's body. 
	K	“Yasu....give it back.”
	y	“No...”
	He sighs and looks up to the crescent moon, his hair covering his eyes. 
	K	“Why...are you getting in the way?”
	k	“Didn't you say I should solve the problem?”
	y	“Not like this Keith! He's already dead! Just let him rest in peace!”
	k	“Let him.....rest in peace?!”
	He looks to me, his eyes big and filled with nothing but anger. 
	K	“This bastard doesn't get to die peacefully!”
	k	“He's going to suffer, even after death! I'll make sure he pays for everything he has done to me...to this town....to our family!”
	k	“Nothing will stop me from doing this, not even you!”
	y	“Keith, look at yourself. He's dead, yet you're still obsessed about killing him! You have to stop!”
	K	“Just give me the damn knife!”
	I take a step back. 
	Y	“No!”
	k	“Yasu!”
	y	“No! I won't let you turn into him!”
	His fangs emerge from his mouth, and he hisses loudly at me. 
	Suddenly, Keith dashes at me and grabs my hands trying to take the knife. 
	With all I can, I try to use a force field against him, but Keith keeps to me like a magnet, easily breaking through my power. 
	Y	“Please stop this Keith! You can't be like me! Don't let your hate get to you! If you do, they'll take  you over!”
	But he doesn't listen to me. His grips just tightens as he opens his mouth, showing how big his fangs actually are. 	
	Before I can even get away, he bites deep into the nape of my neck, sending horrible vibrations of pain throughout my whole body.
	My body quickly becomes numb, and I feel my grip on the knife loosening. 
	Keith rips it away from me and grins as I fall back to the ground. 
	It only took a moment for the poison to come into my body and take over. 
	I never thought he'd actually want me dead...not like this. 
	I fall to my back, my body twitching. With what little power I have left, I look up, hoping that he might've came to his senses. 
	No though...he's back over to his father, the knife in hand grinning.
	Why...why did things have to turn out like this? 
	Keith wanted to be free so badly, and finally be happy again. 
	But still after everything that happened, I couldn’t save him. 
	I failed...
	Dear God...Why can't I do anything to protect those I love?!
	
	Pain....that's all I feel. 
	But why? I'm dead right? Shouldn't I be free from it?
	m(Mana) “I don't know what I'm going to do with you two.”
	A voice says irritatedly. 
	Mana? I-Is that him? B-But how?
	K	“Look, can you just save him? That's all I wanna know.”
	Keith? But it can't be...I-I thought he-
	Slowly, I flicker my eyes open and am greeted to a familiar looking ceiling. 
	An aroma of smoke surrounds itself around me and, for once, I'm happy to smell it. 
	K	“You're a freaking doctor aren't you?! Heal him!”
	m	“This takes a while Keith. And there's no need to be impatient.”
	k	“He could die!”
	m	“And whose fault is that?!”
	k	“....”
	K	“Just fix him alright...”
	Mana sighs. 
	M	“I pretty sure he'll be fine. He's more stubborn then his mother.”
	y	“Mmm...”
	M	“Well speak of the devil, he's awake.”
	k	“Y-yasu!”
	I hear Keith rush over to me. 
	It's hard to see him though, but I can easily recognize his green hair. 
	K	“Are you alright?”
	y	“I-I think so, but my body feels so weak.”
	m	“What do you expect? Keith gave you some really lethal poison.”
	That's right....He bit me.
	k	“Hey, that was on accident! I didn't mean to!”
	m	“Even so, he nearly died.”
	k	“I-I know...and I'm sorry Yasu.”
	I smile faintly, but even that hurt. 
	I felt Keith wrap his hand around mine and something wet hit my face. 
	M	“...I think I should go now. Don't try to move much Yasu, I'll be back with some pain killers.”
	Which aren't pills. 
	M	“Keith, make sure he doesn't move.”
	k	“R-right.”
	I hear the door slam and the room becomes silent. 	
	K	“Do you want another pillow?”
	y	“N-no. I'm alright.”
	He doesn't say anything, but keeps his hand with mine. 
	I won't lie, this is really embarrassing. 
	I mean, it's not like I don't like it, but Keith doesn't seem much like the type to do something so....affectionate. 
	K	“You're an idiot you know that?”
	y	“Huh?”
	k	“Getting in the way between me and my anger. You should know better then to do something so stupid.”
	y	“I had to stop you....I didn't want you turning into one of them.”
	k	“Heh, you really think I'd easily allow myself to be taken over by those stupid little creatures?”
	k	“Unlike that Tengu, I've gotta stronger will power.”
	y	“Give Takeda credit, least he overcame them.”
	Keith huffs. 
	K	“Whatever. I'm still stronger then him.”
	His hand begins to shiver a bit. I don't thin he fully believe in what he says.
	Y	“Keith....”
	k	“W-what?”
	y	“I don't think any less of you if you're afraid. We all get scared sometimes.”
	k	“What makes you think I'm fucking scared?”
	y	“Your hand.”
	My vision becomes a bit clearer, and I see Keith's wide eyes. To my utter surprise, they are actually wet. 
	I smile softly as he looks down at me knowing I can clearly see him. 	
	Swiftly, he moves his hand away from mine and turns away from the bed. 
	K	“I-I'm not scared of anything! It's just cold in here...”
	y	“Still, know I don't blame you for what happened.”
	He turns back to me confused. 	
	K	“How can't you? I almost killed you!”
	y	“But that wasn't you...”
	k	“You idiot! That was me! All of it!”
	I frown. 
	I guess that is true, but I still can't believe he had full control. 
	Y	“Even so, I don't believe you intended to hurt me.”
	k	“W-well of course not, but-”
	I look back to the ceiling and smile. 
	Y	“Good. I'm happy to hear you say that.”
	Silence lasts between us. I don't have to look at him to know that he's staring at me. Does he think I'm crazy for saying that? Heh, maybe I am, but it's true. I'm just happy he doesn't hate me. 
	Y	“Ow...”
	k	“What's wrong?!”
	y	“Haha...nothing. My neck just hurts a bit.”
	Suddenly, I feel Keith sit me up. 	
	Y	“H-hey, what're you-”
	k	“Be quiet and just enjoy this alright!”
	His grip tightens around me, making it a bit hard to move. 
	I can't believe it though, I'm actually blushing. 
	He's really warm, for a snake, and smells like....fresh grass. Heh, never thought that would be what Keith would smell like. 
	K	“D-do you dislike this?”
	He asks quietly. 
	I smile. 
	Y	“No. Not at all.”
	
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#2 Post by anon2045 »

I didn't much like this scene in the beginning. In the first part, Yasu was a real self-sacrificing idiot. I was irritated when he intervened in a dangerous situation for what felt like no reason (the person he was protecting was already dead) and even during the first sentences of the scene, I found Yasu exasperating. Even if you're really close to someone, love them and care for them, and yada yada, a normal person--when they see the blood and that this person murdered their own father, well...their impressions will change a bit. Its normal to feel a bit unsafe--when you meet someone who's not in their right mind and keeps stabbing a person who's already dead. A person they murdered. But when we read her thoughts in the narration, all she feels is empathy towards him. I found it a bit disturbing. Like sympathy for the devil, almost.

But, at the same time, I feel that if I were read this story from the beginning and know more of the context, my impressions will change drastically. I'm not attached to Yasu yet, I don't know his story enough to care about him. And something about the narration leads me to believe that maybe the way Keith transformed has some sort of negative effects on him. What I guess I'm trying to say is that we need to feel that Yasu's reason to jump in was valid. We should know what's at stake that makes Yasu feel he must put his life in peril to stop. We should preferably not only know, but also feel frightened for Keith like Yasu does. Also, if Yasu were to show some little bits of human self-preservation here and there in this scene, it wouldn't hurt. It would make it feel that he isn't entirely oblivious of the danger (that he wasn't completely stupid). That he knew the risks before he jumped in and still did it anyway. Because he thought it was worth it.

Also, some other things that bother me. Yasu keeps acting surprised everytime that Keith does something that implies he cares about him. And it leaves me feeling a bit unsettled. Why is this surprising? Aren't you guys close? They shared the darkest secret of their hearts with each other: the mutual hatred of their father. Isn't it normal for people who are close, to care about the other person's welfare? Either he (1) has a low self-esteem and is oblivious to the point of idiocy or (2) is in a stolkhom sort of relationship. I mean--when he was poisoned by the person he was protecting, he didn't even feel a hint of betrayal or despair. Just failure at not being able to protect the person who was going to be responsible for his death. His altruism is too unreal. On the other hand, this could be poignant if the lead up before this scene is done right. (But man, that'll be difficult to pull off.)

The second part of this scene (hospital/infirmary section), helped me turn around my opinion. I liked Yasu and Keith a lot more and it was a pretty cute scene. It also made me aware that their was more to them and their relationship then what we see solely here and it made me curious.

Anyway, that's my feedback/impressions. Sorry if some parts are a bit contradictory, but I really feel that a lot of will depend on what came before. Maybe you should post a recruitment thread for a beta-reader? Someone who can you give you a second opinion whenever you need it? This way they can give you more detailed feedback on the whole work. (Then again, I've never seen a recruitment thread like that. But yet, I think that a lot of people who don't have people to show their work at home, might like the idea. My own family only speaks Spanish, so it would be a bit difficult to ask for feedback. I can't mention how many times I would have found it useful when I was writing my college essays.)

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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#3 Post by pocoscon »

anon2045 wrote:I didn't much like this scene in the beginning. In the first part, Yasu was a real self-sacrificing idiot. I was irritated when he intervened in a dangerous situation for what felt like no reason (the person he was protecting was already dead) and even during the first sentences of the scene, I found Yasu exasperating. Even if you're really close to someone, love them and care for them, and yada yada, a normal person--when they see the blood and that this person murdered their own father, well...their impressions will change a bit. Its normal to feel a bit unsafe--when you meet someone who's not in their right mind and keeps stabbing a person who's already dead. A person they murdered. But when we read her thoughts in the narration, all she feels is empathy towards him. I found it a bit disturbing. Like sympathy for the devil, almost.

But, at the same time, I feel that if I were read this story from the beginning and know more of the context, my impressions will change drastically. I'm not attached to Yasu yet, I don't know his story enough to care about him. And something about the narration leads me to believe that maybe the way Keith transformed has some sort of negative effects on him. What I guess I'm trying to say is that we need to feel that Yasu's reason to jump in was valid. We should know what's at stake that makes Yasu feel he must put his life in peril to stop. We should preferably not only know, but also feel frightened for Keith like Yasu does. Also, if Yasu were to show some little bits of human self-preservation here and there in this scene, it wouldn't hurt. It would make it feel that he isn't entirely oblivious of the danger (that he wasn't completely stupid). That he knew the risks before he jumped in and still did it anyway. Because he thought it was worth it.

Also, some other things that bother me. Yasu keeps acting surprised everytime that Keith does something that implies he cares about him. And it leaves me feeling a bit unsettled. Why is this surprising? Aren't you guys close? They shared the darkest secret of their hearts with each other: the mutual hatred of their father. Isn't it normal for people who are close, to care about the other person's welfare? Either he (1) has a low self-esteem and is oblivious to the point of idiocy or (2) is in a stolkhom sort of relationship. I mean--when he was poisoned by the person he was protecting, he didn't even feel a hint of betrayal or despair. Just failure at not being able to protect the person who was going to be responsible for his death. His altruism is too unreal. On the other hand, this could be poignant if the lead up before this scene is done right. (But man, that'll be difficult to pull off.)

The second part of this scene (hospital/infirmary section), helped me turn around my opinion. I liked Yasu and Keith a lot more and it was a pretty cute scene. It also made me aware that their was more to them and their relationship then what we see solely here and it made me curious.

Anyway, that's my feedback/impressions. Sorry if some parts are a bit contradictory, but I really feel that a lot of will depend on what came before. Maybe you should post a recruitment thread for a beta-reader? Someone who can you give you a second opinion whenever you need it? This way they can give you more detailed feedback on the whole work. (Then again, I've never seen a recruitment thread like that. But yet, I think that a lot of people who don't have people to show their work at home, might like the idea. My own family only speaks Spanish, so it would be a bit difficult to ask for feedback. I can't mention how many times I would have found it useful when I was writing my college essays.)

Thank you for the feedback. It's really helpful. I'm sorry for the first half being like that. I was trying to show that Yasu wanted to protect Keith even in his 'other' form and felt weak. You see, Yasu and Keith hate each other during the beginning of the story, but grow closer in Keith's path. Both have similarities and mutual hate for their fathers. Yasu wanted Keith to stop for Keith's own good because he was kind of being crazy. Also, I can see what you mean by his reactions being unrealistic. He should've been more scared. Once again, I'm sorry you didn't like them that much. I'll have to write them better.

But I'm happy you liked the second scene more. I actually thought it was a bit weird, but I'm grateful you thought it was cute. It was suppose to be :) . I'm glad I was able to make that scene a good read.

Ps-Sorry for not writing it, but they're at Yasu's house. Mana is a shaman and was healing him. Also, Yasu was surprised by Keith's reaction because even with them being close, Keith doesn't like showing off his emotions too much, especially to Yasu.
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

Shaples
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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#4 Post by Shaples »

Like anon said, I think a lack of context makes this excerpt sort of difficult to read on its own; it's clear that in the full version there's a lot of character development and worldbuilding that's already happened (the relationship between Yasu and Kieth, the shapeshifting, what actually happened to Kieth's dad, etc.) so I think a person doing a full read would be a lot more grounded in what's going on. I'll also second that the relationship dynamic between Yasu and Kieth feels a little manipulative/abusive, but I think that too depends a lot on what comes before, and how in control (or not) Kieth is when he starts to change, and what the consequences of him changing are. If Yasu is trying to pry is friend away from doing this crazy thing because he's afraid he's REALLY going to lose it, I think his state of mind in the first scene makes sense. The line “You idiot! That was me! All of it!” is also super interesting, again depending on how true it is.

I like that they have a sweet moment together, showing Kieth's softer side, but I think Yasu gets a little too googly eyed too quickly - he just almost died, he's been attacked by his friend, and he's very disoriented, and I think it's worth taking a moment for him to have some mixed feelings/alarm. Maybe have Yasu only come around enough to notice that Kieth is holding his hand (and be sort of thrilled and embarrassed about it) right before he notices Kieth's hand is shaking? It'd be a small move, but give us a little time to see how Yasu feels about what's just happened, and for he and Kieth to talk about it a little/for Kieth to repent. I totally believe that Yasu cares a lot for Kieth, and that Kieth is aggressive and not a feelings guy (and that Yasu is okay with that), but be careful not to make Yasu too much of a punching bag/door mat.

Other than that, I think it just needs a little proofing and polishing. There are a smattering of awkward lines, like - “Heh,nothing except for the wonderful feeling of making me feel better!” - a few thens that should be thans, and other small typos or dropped letters, like "I don't thin he fully believe in what he says." (think, believes).

The stuff that doesn't get fully explained in this snippet makes me curious to read the rest, though, and I think the most confusing bits of this excerpt would make a lot more sense in context. Best of luck with the game!

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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#5 Post by czxcjx »

This seems like a climax but without the images or sound accompanying it, it's hard to imagine that this is climactic on text alone. If you want to spice it up though then you have to make the transformation seem even rawer and horrific. The basis for the Were-animal after all is based around the idea of our untapped primal side, that deep within us exist a side that is bound by nothing human, that is purely unconscious, and that cannot be controlled by any rationality or will. To do this you have to evoke Nature actually erupting from within the human body; the avulsion of the skin and the tearing of the flesh. I can give you a feel examples and writers that have done this sort of style before.

Firstly is the sci-fi author JG Ballard, who was a medical student and so loves to have fleshy imagery in his books. He's also very surreal and has very twisted imagery. This is from his book Crash which is about people who get a kind of sensual addictive pleasure from being in car crashes.

"Trying to exhaust himself, Vaughan devised an endless almanac of terrifying wounds and insane collisions: The lungs of elderly men punctured by door-handles; the chests of young women impaled on steering-columns; the cheek of handsome youths torn on the chromium latches of quarter-lights. To Vaughan, these wounds formed the key to a new sexuality, born from a perverse technology. The images of these wounds hung in the gallery of his mind, like exhibits in the museum of a slaughterhouse.” "

Also is this passage from the play Angel's in America, which is from a politician describing politics in some of the most fearsome imagery in the world.

"This is... this is gastric juices churning, this is enzymes and acids, this is intestinal is what this is, bowel movement and blood-red meat – this stinks, this is politics, Joe, the game of being alive. "

From the same play is this equally powerful passage told by a character about the process of change

“Harper: In your experience of the world. How do people change?

Mormon Mother: Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice.

God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.

Harper: And then up you get. And walk around.

Mormon Mother: Just mangled guts pretending.

Harper: That's how people change.”

Also even if you're mixing romance with Gothic horror conventions you should try to think of how the horror element works to emphasize the other aspects. Fear mixed with love. If you want to make your characters seem more human they must be literally scared, rooted, unable to do anything, yet still force themselves to act despite all else. This tension drives a scene like that more than anything else rather than making too heroic an intervention. A paranormal romance or dark fantasy story really gets its edge from the vacillating between dark atmosphere and the touching romantic parts. You can get a lot of good stylistic aid from the original Gothic and Weird authors like Edgar Allen Poe, Arthur Machen, Robert W Chambers and the contemporary Thomas Ligotti.

I tried to come up with a stylistic reworking of the first part to give a possible idea of how to do it

"The tearing of the flesh upon the blade, splitting, and the eruptions of blood.
Patricide.
A sin as old as those first sins.
His face is a masque of rage, eyes bloodshot blaring.
His rage is, was, my rage.
God. He's like my shadow.
My twisted hatred cast a shroud over both of us.
It's terrifying.
He wants to shatter the skull, cremation. He wants to scatter the ash over the howling winds.
Away from him. Away from his sister.
Away from life.
All back to nothing. A complete extinction.
Just for one release, one bloody release of fang and ... would he dare?
To throw it all away.
Would he dare?
God, he's like my shadow. My fear given life. My flesh served to me raw and bleeding on a platter.
I can't let him.
Extinction. Back to nothing. Everything.
Because I know him better than anyone else.
Because I know that underneath the skin, scale, and fang, and underneath all that rage and vengeance...
Is the wailing of a child."
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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#6 Post by pocoscon »

Shaples wrote:Like anon said, I think a lack of context makes this excerpt sort of difficult to read on its own; it's clear that in the full version there's a lot of character development and worldbuilding that's already happened (the relationship between Yasu and Kieth, the shapeshifting, what actually happened to Kieth's dad, etc.) so I think a person doing a full read would be a lot more grounded in what's going on. I'll also second that the relationship dynamic between Yasu and Kieth feels a little manipulative/abusive, but I think that too depends a lot on what comes before, and how in control (or not) Kieth is when he starts to change, and what the consequences of him changing are. If Yasu is trying to pry is friend away from doing this crazy thing because he's afraid he's REALLY going to lose it, I think his state of mind in the first scene makes sense. The line “You idiot! That was me! All of it!” is also super interesting, again depending on how true it is.

I like that they have a sweet moment together, showing Kieth's softer side, but I think Yasu gets a little too googly eyed too quickly - he just almost died, he's been attacked by his friend, and he's very disoriented, and I think it's worth taking a moment for him to have some mixed feelings/alarm. Maybe have Yasu only come around enough to notice that Kieth is holding his hand (and be sort of thrilled and embarrassed about it) right before he notices Kieth's hand is shaking? It'd be a small move, but give us a little time to see how Yasu feels about what's just happened, and for he and Kieth to talk about it a little/for Kieth to repent. I totally believe that Yasu cares a lot for Kieth, and that Kieth is aggressive and not a feelings guy (and that Yasu is okay with that), but be careful not to make Yasu too much of a punching bag/door mat.

Other than that, I think it just needs a little proofing and polishing. There are a smattering of awkward lines, like - “Heh,nothing except for the wonderful feeling of making me feel better!” - a few thens that should be thans, and other small typos or dropped letters, like "I don't thin he fully believe in what he says." (think, believes).

The stuff that doesn't get fully explained in this snippet makes me curious to read the rest, though, and I think the most confusing bits of this excerpt would make a lot more sense in context. Best of luck with the game!

So sorry for the long wait 0_0. I really am grateful for the feedback and am taking it to heart. I'll fix up the scene and make Yasu a better MC. Thanks again ^^
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

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Re: In Real Need of Critique for Scene

#7 Post by pocoscon »

czxcjx wrote:This seems like a climax but without the images or sound accompanying it, it's hard to imagine that this is climactic on text alone. If you want to spice it up though then you have to make the transformation seem even rawer and horrific. The basis for the Were-animal after all is based around the idea of our untapped primal side, that deep within us exist a side that is bound by nothing human, that is purely unconscious, and that cannot be controlled by any rationality or will. To do this you have to evoke Nature actually erupting from within the human body; the avulsion of the skin and the tearing of the flesh. I can give you a feel examples and writers that have done this sort of style before.

Firstly is the sci-fi author JG Ballard, who was a medical student and so loves to have fleshy imagery in his books. He's also very surreal and has very twisted imagery. This is from his book Crash which is about people who get a kind of sensual addictive pleasure from being in car crashes.

"Trying to exhaust himself, Vaughan devised an endless almanac of terrifying wounds and insane collisions: The lungs of elderly men punctured by door-handles; the chests of young women impaled on steering-columns; the cheek of handsome youths torn on the chromium latches of quarter-lights. To Vaughan, these wounds formed the key to a new sexuality, born from a perverse technology. The images of these wounds hung in the gallery of his mind, like exhibits in the museum of a slaughterhouse.” "

Also is this passage from the play Angel's in America, which is from a politician describing politics in some of the most fearsome imagery in the world.

"This is... this is gastric juices churning, this is enzymes and acids, this is intestinal is what this is, bowel movement and blood-red meat – this stinks, this is politics, Joe, the game of being alive. "

From the same play is this equally powerful passage told by a character about the process of change

“Harper: In your experience of the world. How do people change?

Mormon Mother: Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice.

God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.

Harper: And then up you get. And walk around.

Mormon Mother: Just mangled guts pretending.

Harper: That's how people change.”

Also even if you're mixing romance with Gothic horror conventions you should try to think of how the horror element works to emphasize the other aspects. Fear mixed with love. If you want to make your characters seem more human they must be literally scared, rooted, unable to do anything, yet still force themselves to act despite all else. This tension drives a scene like that more than anything else rather than making too heroic an intervention. A paranormal romance or dark fantasy story really gets its edge from the vacillating between dark atmosphere and the touching romantic parts. You can get a lot of good stylistic aid from the original Gothic and Weird authors like Edgar Allen Poe, Arthur Machen, Robert W Chambers and the contemporary Thomas Ligotti.

I tried to come up with a stylistic reworking of the first part to give a possible idea of how to do it

"The tearing of the flesh upon the blade, splitting, and the eruptions of blood.
Patricide.
A sin as old as those first sins.
His face is a masque of rage, eyes bloodshot blaring.
His rage is, was, my rage.
God. He's like my shadow.
My twisted hatred cast a shroud over both of us.
It's terrifying.
He wants to shatter the skull, cremation. He wants to scatter the ash over the howling winds.
Away from him. Away from his sister.
Away from life.
All back to nothing. A complete extinction.
Just for one release, one bloody release of fang and ... would he dare?
To throw it all away.
Would he dare?
God, he's like my shadow. My fear given life. My flesh served to me raw and bleeding on a platter.
I can't let him.
Extinction. Back to nothing. Everything.
Because I know him better than anyone else.
Because I know that underneath the skin, scale, and fang, and underneath all that rage and vengeance...
Is the wailing of a child."
Thank you so much ^^. This will help me better the scene and the story as well. I'll read this over again as I write. Thanks again :)
Black Lotus(A work in progress)- (BxB,Horror,Thriller,Fantasy) Tells the story of a boy who must save his home and friends from dangerous creatures known as the Tainted. http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=28588


Catching the Sun(A work in progress)- (GxG,Slice of Life,Friendship,Drama)

http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewto ... 43&t=29404

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