I'm just gonna jump right into it and make suggestions as I go along.
Her arms were heavy as she held tightly onto the one dead in front of her. Sonia's eyes shook as tears fell down her swollen cheeks.
I get what you're going for, but don't introduce a character with a pronoun. If you don't want to give up Sonia's name in the first sentence, you should still identify her. Whose arms are heavy? A young girl? A recently-widowed mourner? A Russian spy who has been in a near-death accident requiring her to undergo an extensive conversion into a cyborg body? Give me something to go on, here.
The phrasing "the one dead in front of her" is awkward, and I think you are aware of that. And the reason it's there is because you started off with a dramatic sentence structure. The problem is that dramatic clauses are attention seekers, and attention seekers don't like having other attention seekers butting in on their elbow space. They step on each other and make things get all weird at your party, then everyone else leaves because the good vibes are gone and that's making them realize that the booze is cheap and tastes like cat piss. Don't make everyone leave your party. Keep the attention seekers a healthy distance away from each other and keep those good vibes going.
Tears generally fall through open space, once they have jettisoned themselves completely from the face. Otherwise, they tend to roll, trickle, or do some other silly nonsense on their journey through cheekland before they make that final jump off of Mt. Chin.
Once again, she had failed to protect the one she cared so much for.
No real need for a paragraph break here. I see that you're doing the whole thing line-by-line though, so perhaps you are already aware of that, and are just using this sort of spacing so that the script will be ready for transplant into your VN readie-box with minimal editing. Personally I like me some NVL, but to each his own. Since it's a style choice, I won't mention it again, but I think there is value in writing as though you are making a novel, first. Practicing proper paragraphing helps you write better in the same way that diagramming sentences helps you with your sentence structure and grammar - it teaches you how to pace yourself when you tell your story. It's very easy to read over a paragraph and see what you did wrong: that's too short, that went on for too long, that ended way too abruptly, what was the point of that, and other such realizations will hit you like a brick in the face, without the pesky side effects of concussion and hemorrhaging. It's win-win.
A dark laugh echoed throughout the shadows. Sonia quickly looked around frantically. She could barely see a thing, but felt the presence of a bastard witch.
Whoa, not just a witch, but a
bastard witch. I get the feeling you are going to make it clear just how bastardly this witch is, or maybe we'll learn a thing or two about her true lineage, but for now, I think maybe you might want to consider not slapping the label so plainly on this box before you allow the reader to open it up. How does Sonia feel the presence of a witch, let alone a bastard one? Does she have a sixth sense for detecting illegitimate fatherhood, or do witches ooze magical goo which makes their presence obvious? I would recommend making this entry a little more subtle - either something about Sonia picking up on the miasma of dark magic in the air, or just leave the whole witch and bastard thing for later. Whoever she is, she's already laughing in the presence of a corpse and a mourner, so we already have a pretty good idea that she's
not a very nice lady. We can figure out the witch thing a bit more slowly. You're already showing it, so we don't need to be told any of this stuff explicitly.
“So sad,” the voice said mockingly. “You've lost absolutely everything”
“No thanks to you!” Sonia reached for her side and pulled out her blade.
"No thanks to you" is the incorrect phrase to use in this context. It's kind of like the "could/couldn't care less" phenomenon; if you use the wrong phrase, you are saying the opposite of what you mean. I am detecting that maybe this witch might be responsible for the death here, and if that is the case, then it most certainly
is thanks to her.
In any case, "Thanks/No thanks to you" is a really, really low-impact sort of thing to say. If I were running late to a dinner party that I didn't want to go to, and my girlfriend, who just spent three hours applying her makeup, complained that we weren't going to make it on time, I might say "Yeah, thanks to you." If I sped through the night like I had just finished watching Tokyo Drift, causing us to arrive in perfectly punctual fashion, she might comment that we actually made it on time, to which I would reply, "Yeah, no thanks to you."
You know when I wouldn't use a casual phrase like that? When somebody close to me just fucking died in my arms and I was in a mood to get murderin'. It is inappropriate for the severity of the circumstances, just like shouting "gosh golly gee willy flim-flam" wouldn't accurately convey the pain of stubbing my toe in the morning in quite the same way as my preferred lineup of expletives. This is a heavy scene, here; don't sell it short with a weak outburst.
She had no fear now or any sign of happiness. All she felt was hatred for the one who dared mock her.
“I'll kill you witch! That's a promise!”
Break up that first sentence. The structure is awkward, and the content does not fit the scene. I get the bit about her suddenly having no fear - murderous rage will do that - but why would I expect her to have any signs of happiness? Someone she seemed to have not entirely disliked has just died in her arms. Why would I be surprised that she is showing no signs of happiness? She already wept, and now she's pulling out a blade. Y'know what? Signs are already pointing to "not very happy."
That second sentence, too, could be broken up a bit. We've got a girl here who, according to the story, used to be afraid but is now being overwhelmed by a murderous rage. Can you describe that roiling anger as it churns and builds inside her psyche before causing her to finally burst from the overpressure? Yes, you can, and you very well should. This is a critical moment in the scene. It is a turning point for this character. Kind of like how Neo being able to move like the Agents was a turning point in the Matrix. That's why they bullet-timed that shit. It wasn't so we could keep up with the bullets; it was so that we could have sufficient time to ooh and aah over the conversion from wimpy whatever-guy to awesome ass-kicker that Neo was undergoing. People like to hit the slo-mo on the critical moments in drama and action. You can do that with your words. Spend some time loitering on the important bits, and your audience will feel your drama all the more for it.
“Heh, and how will you.
This is a question; it should end with a question mark. Bad writer, bad! No cookie!
All your power is gone.” Sonia heard movement from the shadow's and gripped her sword tighter. Her eyes kept moving in different directions, uncertain of where to strike. “The only thing you can do now is die...”
I know I said I wasn't going to bring up paragraphing again, but I'm a liar and a phoney; a big fat phoney. Never ever ever tag a line of spoken dialogue with actions from the character who is not speaking. Every time you shift from one character to the next, even if it just to say a one-word sentence, and even if it is just to react to something being said by someone else, you must break into a paragraph. Otherwise, the reader is liable to lose track of whom is doing and saying what. It seems obvious to you, but you're the author; you already have this scene envisioned in your mind. The reader does not have this advantage. Your purpose is to make up for this imbalance of understanding between you and the reader, while minimizing the amount of effort the reader must expend in reaching that understanding.
“Don't act so proud! I can sense your power witch! You barely have anything left!”
“That may be true, but you'll be my final kill.”
The witch made a low hissing sound and her words became muffled.
I should have mentioned this a few lines ago, but you want to throw a comma in there when you've got a statement followed by a clarification of the addressee in the same sentence. "I can sense your power, witch!" is the appropriate way to write that sentence and all others like it, even if the speaker is not pausing at any point in the statement.
I like the certainty in the response from the witch, but it's a little weak. Just moments ago she was taunting this girl and now she's openly acknowledging an accurate statement from her. Bullying people, especially ones who have massive superiority complexes like this witch probably has, don't generally like to give even an inch to whomever they are tormenting. You can still get the same message across by changing this retort to one which would be more characteristic of the sadistic attitude this witch is displaying. Something like "It'll be [more than] enough to [kill you/finish you off], [whelp/mongrel/doo-doo-head]!" Play around with the kinds of things you might expect an enormous asshole to say, and you'll find something worth using to taunt your brave underdog into action. You were the one who told us that this witch is a bastard, so prove it! Make us believe so that we can hate her just as much as your protagonist does.
The thing about the hissing sound. There's nothing wrong with it in and of itself - it makes for a fine transition into the heated combat which we've been waiting for - but what's it got to do with muffling her words? Was she still talking when she suddenly decided to drown herself out by hissing? Is she performing some kind of incantation which might give her position away, and is therefore using the hissing to mask her presence? I'm not sure, and I don't like being sure when heads are about to roll.
Softly, she laid the girl's body on the ground. With one last sad smile to her, Sonia stood up and turned to the alter.
Altar. Alter is for changing things. Altar is for that object you are referring to. Homophones, eh?
“So, you aren't going to hide for this final battle?”
The witch smiled as she stood up from the throne. Her body swayed back and forth like she was some snake, her white hair being a symbol of the tail. “I have no need to run. I want to see you dead. “
Whoa, who's not going to hide? The witch, or Sonia? Sonia just got done putting down a corpse, but that's not enough to make it clear who decided to speak first here. After reading the next couple of lines it becomes clearer, but I had to go back to read over it again. Readers are notoriously lazy and don't like being made to do work. You might lose them if you make them work to get your story.
Also, holy shit, there's a throne? When did that show up? Is it behind the altar? Is the altar in the way of the throne, or is it not? Either way, isn't the throne what Sonia should be looking at, then? Why is Sonia looking at the altar when the witch is clearly visible standing up from the throne?
Getting a little purple there with that prose. If you want to draw attention to the witch, or specifically, to the manner of her gait, then go balls to the wall with it. Swaying like some snake? What kind of snake? When I think of a snake that sways, I think of a snake that is being tamed by a guy with a flute. That's still kind of cool, so expand on it. What does the swaying mean, as compared to any other manner of movement or gesture she could be making? I know the audience doesn't know this witch very well yet, but Sonia sure as shit does, and she knows what the fuck is up with this bitch, so let's hear it. Is the witch still posturing for more taunting behavior, or have things gotten super cereal now?
Either way, hair comes out of heads, and tails don't, which kills the resemblance. This is especially true when someone is approaching you head-on. Does the witch have particularly long hair? Is it way fucking whiter than we should expect it to be? You brought this hair business into the picture, so make it matter. If there's a reason for me to care about her hair, put some more legwork into making me see why; otherwise, it's an extraneous detail which doesn't quite help put the imagery in my mind that you want to go for. Develop it or drop it.
Also, what does she mean by saying that she has no need to run? I thought the witch liked to strike from the shadows? Sonia went to the trouble to point out that a head-on confrontation is unlike the witch, and that makes me curious as a reader. Satisfy that curiosity. Is the witch just super confident right now, or is she sadistic enough to want to watch her victim suffer up close? Let's have some clarification on that; it'll help flesh out her character so that we as the audience can know just how much to hate her guts.
A sudden gush of wind brushed past Sonia. Her body quickly felt a horrible sting as gashes appeared all over her body. She winced in pain, but kept her stance. “I won't...let you get away!” She gripped her sword with both hands. From such a fierce touch the sword began to glow bright red, and soon caused Sonia's body to do the same.
“Your childish tricks won't work this time!” the witch yelled. She sent another wave at her, but Sonia managed to avoid it.
Quickly she dashed at the witch with her sword. The witch jumped in the air before Sonia managed to stab her. She floated up high, grinning down at the girl. “So pathetic. All of your power has been used up. You can't-” She stopped though when a sudden light flashed behind her. The witch let out a horrid cry as a fire like bird swallowed up her body.
She yelled in deep pain. Her skin slowly began to burn, showing bits of her inner flesh. Rapidly, she called forth water and caused the bird to vanish. She then fell to the ground, and held her burnt body. “H-how...how did you summon the fire bird?!”Sonia didn't answer her, but instead put the sword to her neck.
Now that the battle has begun, there are two traps which are very easy for the writer to fall into. One is inherent to combat, as I've recently learned the very hard way, and the other is inherent to a high-magic fantasy setting such as this one. The first is that it will be very difficult for you to keep the prose going in a creative manner because a lot of what's going on is meant to be visually stimulating. Well, you don't have that benefit here, and I wouldn't recommend relying on the visual aspect of the VN medium to save you. This scene might be impressive to see, but your work as a writer is to remember that no matter what you do, the reader cannot see everything you are writing about. You cannot rely on the hope that your reader will be impressed by what is going on. That's the time to dig into the thing that writing can do better than visual effects, no matter what: give us the narrative in the minds of the characters. You can break up action scenes with internal commentary and narrative like nobody's business, and you can put us inside the heads of the combatants by telling us exactly how they feel about what's going on as it's happening - not just psychologically, but physically, too.
No amount of words will allow me to see a girl glowing red, but you know what words can do instead? They can tell me that her grip is fused by searing heat to the sword, sending fierce pain through her hands yet preventing her from letting go. I can't see how Sonia avoided the second wave of wind magic, but I can be made to understand if she only just barely escaped it, or whether she consciously dodged or simply allowed her instincts to take over. There's a lot of room in Sonia's mind, even in split-second moments like this, and while you can't make me see any of what's going on, you can bring me into her perspective, and I will be able to feel it. Don't let too many bits of choreography line up with each other when you have these tools to break it all up. Decisive battles tend to be very short anyway, so anything you can do to lengthen them, even by not moving the actual action forward, will help you keep the rush going as long as the reader should continue feeling it.
The issue with the fantasy magic is that, no matter how well-informed you might expect your audience to be, you can't take for granted that they know exactly how anything works in your universe which doesn't work that way in reality-land. Yeah, we may know us some magic, but we don't know
your magic. We don't know if magic requires gestures, speech, or consumable components to cast. We don't know exactly how wind magic lacerates flesh, or how it can be avoided. Don't feel like it would be too cumbersome to explain to the reader how all of this stuff works; we might not understand the true threat level at work in the scene we are reading if you don't! I know what a sword through the lung does, but I might not exactly know just how deadly any of this witchcraft can be unless I see the effects of a direct hit or have it explained to me through internal narrative. It would help me to understand just how tense I should be.
The witch shook with fear, but a crazed grin sprang on her face. “L-Look at yourself...Y-you don't even have enough power to summon it again do you? Hehe, once you kill me, you'll be the next one to fall into darkness!”
I never liked "hehe." It reeks of chatspeak. This is a very serious scene. Let's not mess it up by making me think I'm in an IRC room with some giggly teenagers.
“As long as your dead, I don't care.” Sonia's voice was cold and weak.“Now...pay for your crimes you filthy witch!” She raised her sword above her head and instantly sliced into the witch's neck.
>your
"Now...pay for your crimes
, you filthy witch!"
I think "instantly" sells the sword stroke kind of short. She's already clearly raised the sword, why not "brought it down with ferocity, cleaving a deep wound into the witch's neck"? This is the decisive blow, let's have it in all its bloody glory!
The witch's eyes became that of a blank slate and she fell backwards, her neck still gushing out blood.
Come on now, don't be a tease. You're not going to let her go out that quick, are you? Go for that bullet-time effect; let's have a gasp for air, a curse uttered through pained breaths, or hell why not have that red-hot sword scorch the living fuck out of her? You know what I would do if I had a big plank of metal hotter than tobasco lodged into my neck? I think maybe I'd scream like a toddler who just found out he's not getting that toy off the store shelf. Flesh must be sizzling, and knees must be buckling right about now. And hell, doesn't Sonia hate the fuck out of this bitch? She has her sword buried in the neck of her mortal enemy; how about pushing a little harder and forcing her down to the ground? This is the moment in which she gets to exact her vengeance on someone who presumably killed a girl that Sonia seemed to be fond of, so let's have all that emotion come rushing out in this moment!
With her enemy fallen, Sonia dropped her sword and she herself fell to the ground.
Her body began to feel even colder. She looked to her arms and her eyes widened when she saw that they were completely black.
“ E-even after all that, it still goes on!” Sonia looked to the body she once held. “Why....why can't I save you from this curse?!” She got no answers. Slowly her body began to turn to ash, and soon even her cries couldn't even be heard.
See, kids? Vigilantism is still crime, and crime doesn't pay.
Cold
er implies that her body felt cold in the first place, but wasn't she piping hot just a moment ago? When did the cold happen? I don't recall a transition occurring.
Problem is, you've reintroduced the corpse back into the scene, and I can no longer tell who is having what done to them. Are Sonia's hands turning black, or the hands of the corpse? Is Sonia turning to ash, or is that happening to the dead girl? I think I sort of have an idea, but the dialogue really throws me off. Sonia is using the second person, and she has not yet shown any odd quirks about which person she speaks in, so it sounds like she's talking to the corpse when she mentions the curse that she cannot lift, but then why is Sonia the one being blackened and turning to ash? Some serious clarification is needed here, as well as more descriptive language; just as the slash which happened moments ago was a critical moment for the antagonist, this is a critical moment for Sonia, and it could stand to be lengthened for the introduction of further detail.
"Black" is certainly an adjective, but perhaps a more specific description would allow the reader to get a better grasp on what exactly is happening. Some kind of high-speed necrosis? A form of magic or curse that we, the audience, don't yet fully understand the workings of? You know what's going on, so let's have it!
