Random writing dump zone

[kisa]

Hellu!
I'm putting this here so that people can post random writing that they just want people to see.
This isn't a place to go "here, I'm advertising my work!" But, you can use it as a place to post examples if you like.
So~ Imma post example number one...

It was quiet. That was the first thing Ace noticed when he woke up on the floor.
He sat up and looked around, he didn't remember going to sleep... What was going on?
"About time, are you okay?" A woman's voice called out to him.
He turned to look and saw his friend, Lily.
"What happened?" He asked, finally registering that they were in a small, dark room. There were noises of other people in the darkness and an odd sound of scraping metal every so often.
Lily shook her head. "I don't know. I only woke up a short time ago myself..."
(Annnnd break for ease of reading)

Ace heard the sound of a door opening and the room flooded with light. He briefly saw bars and people before the light blinded him.
"Let's see..." He heard a low voice say in a bored tone before his eyes adjusted. He saw a man wearing a hood walking back and forth in front of the bars, looking in at them.
"That one." The man murmured quietly, pointing at one of the people.
Ace heard a different sound this time, stone moved across stone and an indistinct figure separated from the walls before approaching the designated person.
There was a brief yelp from the terrified person when the figure picked them up and dragged them to the bars.
The bars seemed to bend just enough to allow the figure to pass through.
"Yes, let's try this one." The man said before leaving the room, waiting for the figure to follow him and then closing the door behind himself.

"What the fuck was that?" He heard Lily hiss sharply behind him.
"I-I don't know, don't ask me!" He replied. He rubbed his eyes, trying to let them adjust a second time.
They sat quietly in the darkness for a while before they heard a muffled scream that sent chills down their spines.
Lily reached out in the darkness until she found Ace's arm and squeezed it hard enough to leave bruises. The other people started talking even louder amongst themselves and then, the door opened again, causing each and every one of them to fall silent. The man had come back, the figure had the person they'd taken hanging from its hands like a limp doll.
"Well, looks like we'll need more then..." The man said before motioning to the figure. It lurched forwards and went through the bars again before dropping the person on the floor like an unwanted toy.
"How about... That one and that one?" The man pointed out two more people and the figure obediently picked both of them up. This time, one of them screamed all the way to the door before they were plunged back into darkness.

More silence, Lily crept closer to Ace and all they could do was wait until the screams rang out again. The process repeated itself over and over again until most of the people were piled in the middle of the room, unmoving. None of the remaining people had the courage to check if they were dead.
Eventually, the man pointed to Lily.
"No..." She whispered weakly, clinging to Ace again before the figure started walking towards them.
"No!" She said again, panicking and shaking her head.
The figure had almost reached them when Ace pushed her away from the figure and put himself between them.
"Hey!" He yelled to the man. "Hey, take me instead!" He yelled, he was sweating in fear and trembling. But, he stood up and held out his arms.
"What? Would it make a difference who you picked? I'll go first!" He said.
The man shrugged and motioned to the figure again.
Ace felt himself be picked up and heard Lily calling his name before he too was taken out of the cell.

Ace was taken out into a bright, carpeted hallway, not that he could enjoy the carpet due to his being dangled from the figure's hand.
The man made his way swiftly down the hallway and through another door, with Ace and the figure close behind him.
The door lead to a large, circular room with markings on the walls, ceiling and floor that Ace couldn't read. The man motioned to the figure without turning to look at them and Ace was dumped in the middle of the floor.
"Hey, what are you doing? What have you been doing to us?" Ace tried to question the hooded man, he was ignored.
The man grabbed a book off the floor and opened it to a bookmarked page before he started speaking in what sounded like gibberish.
Pain shot through Ace's head. It hurt enough that he cried out, not nearly enough to reach down the hall though.
"What's happening?" Ace clenched his teeth together and curled up on the floor. The man never looked up from his book, his voice didn't even falter once.

The pain continued and then, suddenly... Everything stopped. There was no sound, there was no feeling... Nothing. Ace opened his eyes and saw a light floating above him.
"What?" He said, his voice sounded odd to him, echoing and distant.
The hooded man made a gesture in the air and the light grew to twice it's original size, then again... And again... Each time it did so, Ace felt a chill. Finally, the man let his hand drop and the light seemed to suddenly decide that gravity existed. It dropped and fell onto Ace, who blinked just before it hit his face. It was suddenly gone.
"Wh-" was all he managed to get out before he felt pain again. This pain was different though, it felt like everything beneath his skin was being crushed and condensed.
"This must have been what he did to all the others..." Was all he could think as he himself let out one of the screams they'd been hearing the whole time.
Lily down the hall hugged her knees closer to herself when she heard it.
Finally, the door to the cell opened again and the figure walked in with Ace hanging from it's hands like all the others. It dropped him onto the pile and the man pointed out more people to be taken away.

Lily waited until the door closed and then she made her way as quickly as she could in the darkness to Ace's side.
"Ace?" She whispered.
There wasn't a sound.
"Ace? Can you hear me?" She pressed, getting closer and kneeling down next to him so she could see.
Ace's eyes were open and he was breathing... But, he wasn't responding to Lily at all. She put her hand on his shoulder and shook him.
"Ace?!" She repeated.
"Wake up!" She got louder.
"Wake up, damn you!" She slapped him and started to cry.
There was still no response. He didn't even seem to feel the pain.
Lily curled into a ball next to him and continued to cry.
"You idiot... Why?" She whispered softly.
The screams echoed down the hall.

Lily didn't know how long had passed. She'd cried herself into a daze where she couldn't tell up from down.
The man had come and gone a few times and the process had continued without delay... And then it was her turn.
She didn't struggle or scream when she was picked up. She didn't have the energy.
She was taken down the hall and she experienced the same process Ace had. The pain, the light and then she screamed. But, there was no one left in the cell who would react to it. She was the last one left.
The man left her on the floor where she'd collapsed after the pain had hit. He motioned to the figure and it left, only to come back with a few of the people who'd been in the room already. It dropped them next to her and left again, repeating the process until all the people from the town were lying on the floor.
The man walked around the room and poked and prodded each person as if checking for life.
"Did it fail after all? I thought I had enough though..." He sighed and went back to Lily.
"I wonder if they just didn't have enough people?" He mumbled to himself.

The man shrugged and started to make his way to the door.
"Hey, wait up..."
The man stopped a few steps away from his goal.
"Yeah, you. Aren't you the one who made this mess?" The voice called again.
The man turned slowly and saw that one of the people had sat up and was stretching like they'd been simply sleeping.
A few of the people around him had stopped breathing.
"Well... I thought you weren't coming... What took you so long?" The man asked, trying to keep the same bored tone he'd been using the whole time.
"Well, people like me are busy. You know..." The person smiled in a friendly way and stood up.
"What did you want?" The person asked.
The man started walking back towards the person, making his way over the bodies he'd left there.
"Well, I was hoping for a bit of fun... What can you do?" The man asked.
"Hmm... Well, I can tell you one thing I can do..." The person's hand shot out and latched onto the man's neck.
"I can tell you to fuck off... We stopped responding to summons like this centuries ago, you asinine fool." The man struggled against the hand that was now restricting his air.

The Mage gasped out parts of words before running out of air entirely and passing out.
The person dropped him to the floor where he joined the bodies that were already there.
"Well, I haven't been out for a while... I wonder-..." He trailed off when he saw Lily.
"... I see..." He mumbled to himself before glancing back down at the Mage.
"Well, I guess you can be a little useful..." The person knelt down and tugged a knife out of the Mage's belt.
After disposing of the Mage, the person walked over to Lily and knelt down to pick her up.
Lily was vaguely aware of this happening. But, it was like she was in another room, watching it happen. Her senses felt dull and her mind wasn't thinking the way she told it to.
But, then... She felt as though she'd snapped back where she was supposed to be. She blinked and looked around.
"... Ace?" She whispered disbelievingly.

Lily had been moved out into the hallway and propped up against one of the walls.
Ace was crouching in front of her with a curious expression on his face.
"Well, I didn't think that would actually work... That's convenient..." He mumbled softly.
"Ace, what happened?" Lily tried to reach out for him. But, she couldn't move.
"Ace, hmm?" Ace mumbled to himself again. "Not the worst name I've had... I think I'll keep it." He smiled.

[CSV]

I have a hard time focusing, so I didn't quite finish reading, but here is a very small critique of Kisa's writing sample so far... Everything must be taken with a grain of salt, this is just my opinion.

- At the beginning, I think you could use a few longer sentences. You used very short sentences for the most of it, which is not necessarily a bad thing - and it gives a sense of urgency to the story - but varying sentence lenght can make the story feel more alive.
- I'd also suggest more description based on the senses. I get the idea that they are in an unknown place that is dark at first, then there comes a blinding light and there's bars, and they don't know where they are, but I can't quite grasp the feeling of the place. If it is meant to be a scary of threatning place, you could achieve a better portrayal of it by using short vivid descriptions of what if feels like, smells like, etc. Show don't tell and whatnot.
- A little insight on thoughts or even more spoken words between the characters would maybe be useful too. I mean, isn't that a situation where people would seriously freak out?
- What is the relationship between the two characters Ace and Lily? Why did he agree to go into the unknown instead of her?

And here's a writing sample from me, it's the first draft of the very beginning of my project. Note: the aunt doesn't have a name yet, so she is just Aunt X for now.
EDIT: More text.

Code: Select all

It was about noon when they came; Rebecca with her wings folded around her, and her little black eyes glancing at the pile of clutter that hid the workdesk and part of the floor, and Silvius with a complex expression and his long ears twitching nervously.
"This is your aunt's decision," he said as he handed over the envelope, "I am afraid she is not giving you much choice, miss Philomena."
And it was maybe his words or his tone, or the fact that his smile was less one of courtesy and more of a thinly-veiled apology, that made Philomena keep herself from replying with one of the snarky comments burning at the back of her mind. Then again, once she tore off the top part of the envelope and pulled out a hand-written letter, she couldn't help but mutter to herself about how her relatives were living beyond the times - [i]and did both your familiars forget how to speak, Aunt X?[/i]
"Your aunt thought it best to put everything in writing." But when Rebecca's voice came, Philomena was no longer listening - she was frozen in place with the letter in her hand.

"My dearest niece,

I hope this letter finds you well, even if I must for once be harsh on you.
It has come to my attention that your practice as a wise woman is lacking. I have heard that though your work with magic and enchantments is quite something in itself, you are known for overcharging for services and refusing people in dire need of help if they do not have the means to pay you.
Now, I am not saying you shouldn't try to make a living for yourself, but I am concerned for your heart, I suppose, as most who know you would say you don't have one at all. It is never good to lose oneself in the pursuit of money.
And if I know you, at this point you are rolling your eyes and readying one of your tactless little remarks. Fair enough; I thought from the start that you must experience my words for yourself.
So let it be known that you are as of now prohibited of using our family's resources, and in addition you are out of my will for the time being. The document attached to this letter should be enough proof of that.
Of course, I am a reasonable woman and I am giving you a chance to prove you are not a lost cause. Please see the second attachment for an in depth explanation, but as you might have guessed I am expecting you to do some selfless work.
You [i]will[/i] thank me later, Philomena.

Aunt X"