Story introduction: critique requested
Story introduction: critique requested
Removed.
Last edited by agentyoda on Mon Feb 16, 2015 9:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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trooper6
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Re: Story introduction: critique requested
I have a lot of negative reactions to this, but you asked for honest critique, so I'll give it to you.
1) This text reads like it was written for a novel not like it was written for a visual novel. You have many, many bits of text like "A menacing voice growled" that should just be expressed in the sprite's faces. There is a lot of telling not showing. If there were no graphics then you might have to tell...but there will be graphics...so...
2) The minutes I saw the Japanese names coming from a creator in Georgia and indications there was going to be fan service, I wanted to stop reading immediately.
3) I'm not a prude. I enjoy sexy games. But this seems like it is going to be juvenile about its interaction with sexy topics, from the whole talking about "perverse"--and I don't like that that sort of interaction with "perversity" is being projected onto a Japanese Other. Why not set it in Georgia and with a bunch of Georgia folks?
4) The character seem like two dimensional stereotypes rather than fully realized characters.
Now, I'm sure there is a large audience for anime-style fan service style VNs, so you can ignore me by writing me off as not your intended audience.
1) This text reads like it was written for a novel not like it was written for a visual novel. You have many, many bits of text like "A menacing voice growled" that should just be expressed in the sprite's faces. There is a lot of telling not showing. If there were no graphics then you might have to tell...but there will be graphics...so...
2) The minutes I saw the Japanese names coming from a creator in Georgia and indications there was going to be fan service, I wanted to stop reading immediately.
3) I'm not a prude. I enjoy sexy games. But this seems like it is going to be juvenile about its interaction with sexy topics, from the whole talking about "perverse"--and I don't like that that sort of interaction with "perversity" is being projected onto a Japanese Other. Why not set it in Georgia and with a bunch of Georgia folks?
4) The character seem like two dimensional stereotypes rather than fully realized characters.
Now, I'm sure there is a large audience for anime-style fan service style VNs, so you can ignore me by writing me off as not your intended audience.
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*Currently Doing: Coding of emotions and camera for the labels--On 5/10
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*Other Thing to Do: Do SFX and Score (maybe think about eye blinks?)
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*Last Thing Done (Aug 17): Finished coding emotions and camera for 4/10 main labels.
*Currently Doing: Coding of emotions and camera for the labels--On 5/10
*First Next thing to do: Code in all CG and special animation stuff
*Next Next thing to do: Set up film animation
*Other Thing to Do: Do SFX and Score (maybe think about eye blinks?)
Re: Story introduction: critique requested
I'm rather embarrassed that I wrote that, now that i've reviewed it in light of your comments. It's not the kind of thing I was intending to write, but that certainly is what I ended up writing.
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