Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

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infel
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Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#1 Post by infel »

I'm slightly nervous....This is my first time writing a GxG scene. Now there is nothing explicit and it's just an example of a scene for my game and my two characters, but I have little confidence in it :cry: . Still I wanted to post and see what others think about it. I need to get better at writing GxG and I do want honest opinion(s). So thanks to whoever takes the time to read this and any help I receive.


Questions:
Where the characters decent?
Was the writing good/okay?
What did you think about the GxG scene?
Any advice/tips?

Ps- The scene is a bit random, so please take that into account before you read. It'll be much more fleshed out when I've finished Elena's path. Anyway, I hope you enjoy =).

Code: Select all

(Rinoa)
Elena looks to her tail as it moves slowly against the floor. 
Even now it seems despite her being in this form for a good while she still isn't use to it yet. 
“Does your form still scare you?”
(Elena) 
“A -a bit. I-it's still weird to be like this especially when I go to sleep.”
“I don't really even use a bed anymore in all honesty.”
(Rinoa) 
I let out a soft laugh and  gently trance my finger along her tail. 
“At least it's smooth.”
(Elena) 
“T-that feels w-weird Rinoa....”
(Rinoa) 
“Really? Sorry about that....I never really thought about how it would feel for a gorgon to have their tail touched.”
I retract my finger from her, but as I look at Elena I notice her expression is more disappointed then relaxed. 
“What's wrong?”
(Elena) 
“N-nothing....I-it's just when I said it felt weird...I meant it in a good way.”
(Rinoa) 
“Elena...are you blushing?”
(Elena) 
“W-what?! O-of course not!”
(Rinoa) 
I move slightly closer to her till our foreheads touch. 
Her cheeks instantly go redder and she closes her eyes. 
(Elena) 
“D-don't look at me...please...I-I'm too embarrassed right now....”
(Rinoa) 
“Why? Because I touched your tail?”
(Elena)
“Y-yes.”
(Rinoa) 
I smile slightly. 
Out of all of us Elena is always the one who tries to be proper and elegant, but she can get so easily shy. 
“Well if you like it...then shouldn't I keep going?”
Elena looks to me with wide eyes. 
I really am not acting like myself, but recently when I'm around her I feel slightly strange.
(Elena) 
“O-okay.”
(Rinoa) 
I smile and then gently use my hand to massage her tail. 
(Elena)
“Nnn...Y-your hand...feels good.”
(Rinoa)
“I'm glad.”
Soon I use my other hand to gently rub the backside of her tail and she lets out a heated breath. 
(Elena) 
“R-rinoa....s-stop...please.”
(Rinoa) 
“Am I hurting you?”
(Elena) 
“No...i-it's just...I-”
(Rinoa)
Out of nowhere her tail moves from the floor and to me. 
I gasp as it begins to entangle my body tightly. 
“E-elena! W-what are you doing?”
My heart nearly stops when our eyes meet. 
We've...never been this close before...and this is the first time she's ever been so aggressive. 
“E-Elena?”
She doesn't say anything to me, but her eyes stay locked to mine. 
They don't show any hostility though, but rather something I can't quite express.
(Elena) 
“*Hisssss*”
(Rinoa) 
Elena moves closer to the side of my neck, letting out soft hisses. 
Carefully she bites into it causing my entire body to become numb. 
“E-elena what a-are you doing?”
(Elena) 
“*Hiss* Making you feel good...as you just did for me.”
(Rinoa) 
She bites back into my neck, but this time her fangs don't sink into my flesh. 
Instead I feel her tongue gently lick at my nape. 
A small moan escapes from me and I close my eyes as the heat in my body increases. 
(Elena) 
“Do you....like this Rinoa?”
“I-I'm not hurting you right?”
(Rinoa) 
Hearing her cute stutter relaxes me more. 
I smile and nod lightly. 
(Elena) 
“I-I'm glad...I-I want to make my most precious person happy...”
(Rinoa) 
My heart races when she says that but before I can react I feel her tongue again, this time moving from my neck to my chest. 
I try hard not to let the others hear me, but it's difficult. 
Elena may be shy but she knows how to make one feel loved.
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#2 Post by Kailoto »

Ahh, the tail... it's always the tail, isn't it? XD

I'm assuming Rinoa POV, correct? The writing seems fine, although I'm by no means an expert with these types of scenes - nothing jumps out at me, in other words. It's too short an excerpt for me to really judge on the characters, but as long as they're consistent it should be good. As for the content itself, it's pretty standard fare, which again doesn't mean much in particular other than there's nothing I can see wrong with it.

I'm not sure I can offer tips for improvement, as I still struggle with these types of scenes myself. At the very least it seems to have a solid foundation though.

I also took the liberty of doing a bit of proof reading; feel free to adapt it or ignore it, either way's fine.
line 3, use > used
line 15, then > than
line 24, till > until*
*Mostly a style choice in regards to non-spoken text, so feel free to ignore
"Out of nowhere her tail moves from the floor and to me." Probably consider rephrasing, the syntax is a bit muddled - something like "Out of nowhere her tail moves from the floor, reaching up towards me."
"tongue gently lick" Consider swapping "gently" and "lick" so it's "tongue lick gently" - it's mostly cosmetic, but I prefer to keep the verbs next to the subject, instead of wedging an adverb between them.
I noticed that you mix capitalization with stutters - most of the time it's L-like this, but a few are L-Like this. Either way works, as long as you're consistent.

Hope I was of some help!
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#3 Post by Laiska »

So I'm going to take a guess here, and assume that your primary influence for GxG material is translated anime/manga/doujin/etc, because that is very much how the script reads to me—it doesn't quite flow in some spots. In particular, "I-I want to make my most precious person happy," is the sort of line I'd expect out of one of those works.

If you're taking on GxG material (or any sort really), I'd recommend considering who your audience is. Is it the otaku crowd? You're probably fine, then. If it isn't, then you probably want to look into a wider range of influences, and work on portraying more solid female characters. I don't know the rest of your script, so this scene may just be an exception, but they read like the usual sort of cute, non-threatening girls who are usually aimed at a male audience. (Or it could just be Elena, whose presence somewhat dominates the scene.)

As for the scene's good points, you did do well with getting the characters' personalities across, and I could easily envision the action happening in the scene. I thought the stutter on Elena was probably overdone—you could use it only half as much and get the same effect—but it did at least paint a pretty immediate picture for her.

My suggestion is to practice writing romance scenes of multiple sorts. The only thing that necessarily makes a GxG scene different from any others is the gender of the characters involved. Branch out on your reading influences and your writing will grow stronger :)

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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#4 Post by Juno »

Nothing really seems off about the scene. It's really too short for me to say much about it.

I agree with asking about what your target audience is.

What is your own gender/sexuality? Are you aiming to make G/G scenes more realistic because you do not have RL G/G experience or you are just trying to convey what you know better?

I have a pretty good grasp on G/G scenes considering I've been with my wife for almost eight years now. (And I am female, if I am not overly obvious about my own gender.)

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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#5 Post by infel »

Kailoto wrote:Ahh, the tail... it's always the tail, isn't it? XD

I'm assuming Rinoa POV, correct? The writing seems fine, although I'm by no means an expert with these types of scenes - nothing jumps out at me, in other words. It's too short an excerpt for me to really judge on the characters, but as long as they're consistent it should be good. As for the content itself, it's pretty standard fare, which again doesn't mean much in particular other than there's nothing I can see wrong with it.

I'm not sure I can offer tips for improvement, as I still struggle with these types of scenes myself. At the very least it seems to have a solid foundation though.

I also took the liberty of doing a bit of proof reading; feel free to adapt it or ignore it, either way's fine.
line 3, use > used
line 15, then > than
line 24, till > until*
*Mostly a style choice in regards to non-spoken text, so feel free to ignore
"Out of nowhere her tail moves from the floor and to me." Probably consider rephrasing, the syntax is a bit muddled - something like "Out of nowhere her tail moves from the floor, reaching up towards me."
"tongue gently lick" Consider swapping "gently" and "lick" so it's "tongue lick gently" - it's mostly cosmetic, but I prefer to keep the verbs next to the subject, instead of wedging an adverb between them.
I noticed that you mix capitalization with stutters - most of the time it's L-like this, but a few are L-Like this. Either way works, as long as you're consistent.

Hope I was of some help!

Oh this is very helpful =), and thank you for the info on what I misspelled. Also sorry for some of the sentence structure confusion....For some reason this happens at times ;_;.
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#6 Post by infel »

Laiska wrote:So I'm going to take a guess here, and assume that your primary influence for GxG material is translated anime/manga/doujin/etc, because that is very much how the script reads to me—it doesn't quite flow in some spots. In particular, "I-I want to make my most precious person happy," is the sort of line I'd expect out of one of those works.

If you're taking on GxG material (or any sort really), I'd recommend considering who your audience is. Is it the otaku crowd? You're probably fine, then. If it isn't, then you probably want to look into a wider range of influences, and work on portraying more solid female characters. I don't know the rest of your script, so this scene may just be an exception, but they read like the usual sort of cute, non-threatening girls who are usually aimed at a male audience. (Or it could just be Elena, whose presence somewhat dominates the scene.)

As for the scene's good points, you did do well with getting the characters' personalities across, and I could easily envision the action happening in the scene. I thought the stutter on Elena was probably overdone—you could use it only half as much and get the same effect—but it did at least paint a pretty immediate picture for her.

My suggestion is to practice writing romance scenes of multiple sorts. The only thing that necessarily makes a GxG scene different from any others is the gender of the characters involved. Branch out on your reading influences and your writing will grow stronger :)
Yes. You are right. Most of my experience is from anime/manga =(. I'm trying to make this game for both guys and girls, but mainly girls because too many GxG things are for guys. I'm glad I got the personalities of the characters across, but you're right in that I should read up on GxG that's out of anime and manga. I've got a lot to learn. I'm super grateful for the advice though =). Thank you. Hopefully I can do a better job next time.
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#7 Post by infel »

Juno wrote:Nothing really seems off about the scene. It's really too short for me to say much about it.

I agree with asking about what your target audience is.

What is your own gender/sexuality? Are you aiming to make G/G scenes more realistic because you do not have RL G/G experience or you are just trying to convey what you know better?

I have a pretty good grasp on G/G scenes considering I've been with my wife for almost eight years now. (And I am female, if I am not overly obvious about my own gender.)

Oh it's super short. I didn't want to go further till I got some tips XD. But for this game I'm trying to target for both guys and girls, but mainly girls at the end of the day. For me I am straight, but I love all kinds of well love and wanted to try at a GxG game that revolves around story, characters, and character relationships. And that's awesome! If you're alright with it, may I ask you some question and maybe get your help on my writing of GxG. I want to get it right.
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#8 Post by Kailoto »

infel wrote:Oh this is very helpful =), and thank you for the info on what I misspelled. Also sorry for some of the sentence structure confusion....For some reason this happens at times ;_;.
I get it, it happens to me too. Sometimes I look back on stuff I wrote the day before and just scratch my head. I find reading aloud helps.

You're quite receptive with criticism! I find that very impressive. I'm sure you'll keep improving and one day be better than you can even imagine! :D
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#9 Post by Juno »

infel wrote: Oh it's super short. I didn't want to go further till I got some tips XD. But for this game I'm trying to target for both guys and girls, but mainly girls at the end of the day. For me I am straight, but I love all kinds of well love and wanted to try at a GxG game that revolves around story, characters, and character relationships. And that's awesome! If you're alright with it, may I ask you some question and maybe get your help on my writing of GxG. I want to get it right.
Cool. I like G/G games that mainly target girls. They seem more sweet/genuine, usually, and when its more focussed on romance rather than strictly sex, the relationships themselves seem more real than just fan service. Don't get me wrong--I do love visually explicit G/G, but only when it seems realistic and not like how someone "thinks" lesbians do during sex or relationships in general.

Feel free to PM me. Most relationships are just relationships, but LGBT relationships do have their unique challenges.

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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#10 Post by infel »

Kailoto wrote:
infel wrote:Oh this is very helpful =), and thank you for the info on what I misspelled. Also sorry for some of the sentence structure confusion....For some reason this happens at times ;_;.
I get it, it happens to me too. Sometimes I look back on stuff I wrote the day before and just scratch my head. I find reading aloud helps.

You're quite receptive with criticism! I find that very impressive. I'm sure you'll keep improving and one day be better than you can even imagine! :D

Oh I know reading out loud helps, but the problem is I dislike my voice XD. Need to do it though.

And I'm learning to better take criticism in truth =). I've learned it helps a person at the end of the day and makes you better at things. My sister taught me this the hard way XD
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Re: Critique on GxG scene(Not explicit)

#11 Post by infel »

Juno wrote:
infel wrote: Oh it's super short. I didn't want to go further till I got some tips XD. But for this game I'm trying to target for both guys and girls, but mainly girls at the end of the day. For me I am straight, but I love all kinds of well love and wanted to try at a GxG game that revolves around story, characters, and character relationships. And that's awesome! If you're alright with it, may I ask you some question and maybe get your help on my writing of GxG. I want to get it right.
Cool. I like G/G games that mainly target girls. They seem more sweet/genuine, usually, and when its more focussed on romance rather than strictly sex, the relationships themselves seem more real than just fan service. Don't get me wrong--I do love visually explicit G/G, but only when it seems realistic and not like how someone "thinks" lesbians do during sex or relationships in general.

Feel free to PM me. Most relationships are just relationships, but LGBT relationships do have their unique challenges.
That's exactly what I want to do for this game =). It's true two character might have some fan service in their monster forms, but I'm trying to keep it focused on story and characters. I know manga isn't the best source so I need to read more GxG relationships outside of that XD.

And thank you so much =). I'd love to know what your thoughts are. I'll send a pm.
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