[WIP] Kindan Time(otome)(updated: 5/22/11)*Dropped*

[OtomeWeekend]

Hi everyone! This is my first VN project which I plan to be much shorter than the other project I'm currently in the verge of writing.

Would appreciate any feedback, suggestions, opinions and help... don't hold back!
Title: Kindan Time:Mirrored World

Intro:
"I always thought things like parents divorcing, witnessing a murder and time warps were only on anime and dramas but they are really happening to me now! Running away from home after receiving the bad news of my parents divorce, I storm to my best friend's place only to find him slumped on the floor and with a masked man standing beside him....
And that's all I remember.
When I wake up, I was held by my best friend or whom I thought was my best friend. It was a totally different person! Much more is that it seems that I'm not in my world, but in a very different world! I need to find my way home and glad to have this person who looks like my best friend to help me though he looks a bit scary.

I'm Chika Minami, 16 years old. and my adventure to find my way home to my real world starts!

Characters:
Chika Minami

Official Sprite

I'm Chika Minami. I'm usually called Chii though. I'm a cheerful girl but I seemed to lean to others especially to those I'm close with. I can be quite emotional too and clumsy at times. My expertise is making sweets which were loved by my little sister but I'm the worst cook ever proven that I've sent my family to hospital before when they ate the lunch I've made.

Well, I'm currently traveling to find my way home and to find out what really happened to Kazuki.

Kazuki Miyake
Kazuki is my best friend and counselor whenever I'm down. The so-called "others" that I tend to lean on. He is always smiling and has a gentle personality and he is the kind of person that whenever I talk to, my mind clears up. I need to find out what really happened to him!
Kazu

changed coloring style to CG-ing...:(

Kazuki or Kazu in short(and to avoid confusion over Kazuki)
Well the guy who looks a lot like Kazuki but he is definitely not Kazuki! He is also the first guy whom I met in this parallel world. He is a very mysterious guy and the type that just says right to your face whatever he wants. He is a very skilled fighter though.

Lagi calls him master or anything you can call to someone with high position. Is he a noble of something? I dunno cause he anyone won't tell me anything...He has a kind side too but heck like its 1 of 1000 chances that he'd show it.


Lagi
Lagi is a sort of Kazu's butler. But unlike any other butlers or followers or servant there; He is an impolite, happy go lucky person who loves to hit every beautiful girls in the corner. He also has a very perverted mind! Beside that, he follows Kazu's orders whatever it is and unlike me, a genius cook!

Conrad von Edelburg
Conrad is a chubby priest who tags along the gang. Though he claims to be on diet, he actually says it while munching a chocolate bar. Well, Conrad is also a mysterious person and I don't know much about him too. He seems to be looking for something and that something is related to Kazu that's why they are traveling together.

Masked Man(???)
The masked man who killed(?) Kazuki. I'll never forgive him, he might also be the reason why I'm in here! I need to get to the bottom of this! *actually said that cause I dunno anything about him too*

Yeah, changed everyone's description and intro. I also posted Chika's official sprite.

I need to drop this game after having some misunderstanding in my co-writer and i don't think our quarrel would be over any soon*RL related stuffs* I'm so sorry .

[Alera]

Wow- this intrigues me- quite interesting from what you have so far! <3

Just it amuses me Kazuki looks a bit too girly. Maybe you could make him less...curvy? XD Just a thought. Maybe you want him that way.

And the main chara: I think she needs some more personality in her design. Looks pretty ordinary to me, but she is the heroine, right? Should be important that she is easy to recognize. I am not talking about anything fancy. Sometimes even just a little ribbon in the hair could help.

[LVUER]

Sorry for being OOT, but couldn't resist saying this:
When I read 3 worst things could happened to someone, I thought you're going to write this "The 3 worst things a person could ever experience, I might have experiencing them now. My parents are divorcing, I found my boy-friend in my house… with my best friends, doing you-know-what-they-always-do-in-an-empty-house..."

[machinist]

a parallel world? sounds interesting!

[OtomeWeekend]

a parallel world? sounds interesting!

Wow- this intrigues me- quite interesting from what you have so far! <3

Just it amuses me Kazuki looks a bit too girly. Maybe you could make him less...curvy? XD Just a thought. Maybe you want him that way.

And the main chara: I think she needs some more personality in her design. Looks pretty ordinary to me, but she is the heroine, right? Should be important that she is easy to recognize. I am not talking about anything fancy. Sometimes even just a little ribbon in the hair could help.

haha, this gave me motivations to write even more I hope i can keep on making it interesting until the very end of the game.

(This is why I hate male bodies!!! XDD) Just as I've posted above, those were fast sketches i've made I am not sure if they are the official designs since I am still writing it and further story might have specific changes itself for the characters. And btw, a ribbon huh? advice received, Roger!

Sorry for being OOT, but couldn't resist saying this:
When I read 3 worst things could happened to someone, I thought you're going to write this "The 3 worst things a person could ever experience, I might have experiencing them now. My parents are divorcing, I found my boy-friend in my house… with my best friends, doing you-know-what-they-always-do-in-an-empty-house..."

Oh LVUER, might I let you know I'd just turn 15 this may? Such stories like that are still forbidden in this pure(???) mind of mine xD Kidding. Anyway, that was a nice one... then she kills her boyfriend and when she get warped, she saw a person completely looks like him... haha, quite interesting... but sadly, i'm quite lazy re-writing things RIGHT now especially my evil teacher gave me a 1-39 pages assignment full of darn kanjis >_> I would have love a story like that though...

[Veniae]

Oh-ho! That seems like one really interesting game! I'm looking forward to more updates!

I like the idea and the sketches look rather good as well! I agree with Alera that Kazuki looks a tad girly. Probably broader shoulders and more angular jaw (and not so pointy chin, maybe) would make him look less effeminate. But you have a cool drawing style!

Keep it up!

[OtomeWeekend]

oh, thanks!

btw, i re-done the sketch of kazuki.... any comments?(this is the best i could do to make him manly... i really can't draw a man's body...)

[OtomeWeekend]

sorry for double posting... but I've done the OFFICIAL sketch for Chika. I'm still unsure of Kazuki and I still haven't started the others.

[machinist]

new kazuki looks fine to me

and i will be waiting for other character's sketches curious about conrad hehe

[Alera]

haha, this gave me motivations to write even more I hope i can keep on making it interesting until the very end of the game.

(This is why I hate male bodies!!! XDD) Just as I've posted above, those were fast sketches i've made I am not sure if they are the official designs since I am still writing it and further story might have specific changes itself for the characters. And btw, a ribbon huh? advice received, Roger!

Really?! My simple comment gave you motivation?! >w< YAY! Work-work hard then!

Yes, I see and this is actually a very good thing- to post your characters in development and WIP phase because if you feel unsure about something- other people could help you improve what you've got and make it better. ^^ Like what is the case with the new Chica design now- Looks much-much better! :'D I am happy you followed my advice~

And yes, male bodies can be a little hard, especially if you are more used to drawing girls. But everything could be fixed with practice and looking at some refs.

[Riviera]

I dunno, I like all the character art so far. My only (very minor) quibble is that the guy (in both forms) has the same basic pose. But beyond that, he's great.

I especially like the MC's outfit. So cute.

The storyline also gets a thumbs up. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

[Snowflower]

I agree with Riviera about the 2 guys having the exact same pose. It seems a bit odd.

But you have a great sense of anatomy, at least in my opinion. So I'm sure you'd be able to come up with another one.

Even if they are similar to one another, in a different world, it doesn't hurt for them to have different postures.

[papillon]

I have the tiniest bit of apprehension about Conrad's storyline because of the possibility of some unpleasant stereotypes getting brought in. ("The fat character claims to be on a diet, but OF COURSE is lying, because if he/she actually tried he/she would instantly lose weight and keep it off forever!" - There are a lot of people who believe this in the real world, and it causes a lot of problems and bullying.)

On the other hand, a storyline in which the heroine starts out feeling embarrassed about her 'uncool' boyfriend and wishes he would change, but eventually comes to accept him as he is, could be really sweet.

Obviously I have no idea yet where you're going with it.

[OtomeWeekend]

Really?! My simple comment gave you motivation?! >w< YAY! Work-work hard then!

Yes, I see and this is actually a very good thing- to post your characters in development and WIP phase because if you feel unsure about something- other people could help you improve what you've got and make it better. ^^ Like what is the case with the new Chica design now- Looks much-much better! :'D I am happy you followed my advice~

And yes, male bodies can be a little hard, especially if you are more used to drawing girls. But everything could be fixed with practice and looking at some refs.

I thought I was mary sue-ing my story and characters that everyone would ignore it and yeah, so I was motivated when you two said it was interesting.

Actually, I don't have much confidence in posting it finished(that's why i actually make a post in game makers with lots of questions) so i posted it in their sketch forms and so i could re-do them if i notice something's err.... :\
Besides, I haven't really been in much progress yet since i was writing a different story just a few weeks ago which i stopped for now to do this.

I dunno, I like all the character art so far. My only (very minor) quibble is that the guy (in both forms) has the same basic pose. But beyond that, he's great.

I especially like the MC's outfit. So cute.

The storyline also gets a thumbs up. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

since this is just a sketch, I still have many revisions and such(besides the heroine though i changed her hair again into straight.)
The update for the heroine is in my blog and i also revised her clothes again :T same style but different design...

But you have a great sense of anatomy, at least in my opinion.

was it good!? Somehow, for the first time i was glad i made an anatomy... though studying anatomy was like giving birth... D: (i haven't experienced it but...) researching for anatomy, listening to my science teacher for more references during biology, looking for tuts and even tracing other artists art and breaking them down to anatomy... I even have to studied 3d for it D_: somehow getting this compliment make me feel glad i studied it.... though i still make weird anatomies >_> I can't even draw hands and feet and many more poses.

Also, I dunno how to draw backgrounds too *just sharing*

I have the tiniest bit of apprehension about Conrad's storyline because of the possibility of some unpleasant stereotypes getting brought in. ("The fat character claims to be on a diet, but OF COURSE is lying, because if he/she actually tried he/she would instantly lose weight and keep it off forever!" - There are a lot of people who believe this in the real world, and it causes a lot of problems and bullying.)

On the other hand, a storyline in which the heroine starts out feeling embarrassed about her 'uncool' boyfriend and wishes he would change, but eventually comes to accept him as he is, could be really sweet.

Obviously I have no idea yet where you're going with it.

I won't give spoilers but just quote Conrad's description:"he is quite mysterious and we don't know much about him even though he as been travelling with Kazuki(2) and Lagi longer". Nothing is really knows about him but he's a gentleman, and a person who loves to eat but insisting he's on diet. I actually think conrad would be more like a comic relief. He is like a goofy person.

[Alera]

I thought I was mary sue-ing my story and characters that everyone would ignore it and yeah, so I was motivated when you two said it was interesting.

Actually, I don't have much confidence in posting it finished(that's why i actually make a post in game makers with lots of questions) so i posted it in their sketch forms and so i could re-do them if i notice something's err.... :\
Besides, I haven't really been in much progress yet since i was writing a different story just a few weeks ago which i stopped for now to do this.

Of course you have to be careful with clichés and mary-sue-stuff, but I don't think you have some great problem with that so far.

And isn't that exactly the purpose of these forums?! ^^

+Be careful when dropping stories like that! O: Just a lil tiny advice.