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 Post subject: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 7:52 am 
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Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
It is Rayburn's last day at school.
He does not know what he will do now. Look for a job or go for higher studies?

If you can read fast, you can get all the endings in less than thirty minutes.

But do not waste your time looking for GOOD ENDINGS, because there aren't any.
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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 9:04 am 
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Projects: Learning to Love
downloading now

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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 7:25 am 
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Wright1000 wrote:
But do not waste your time looking for GOOD ENDINGS, because there aren't any.


I can ask, why this pessimistic lookup on a 18 y.o. 's perspective for future ?

Anyway, I'm in process of DL' it...

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.


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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 7:38 am 
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Wright1000 wrote:
But do not waste your time looking for GOOD ENDINGS, because there aren't any.


I can ask, why this pessimistic lookup on a 18 y.o. 's perspective for future ?

Anyway, I'm in process of DL' it...

Best regards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.


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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 6:53 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
I don't understand.
Are you saying I am a pessimist?

I don't care about it.
By the way, there are four endings. Did you get them all?

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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 12:27 pm 
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Posts: 759
Wright1000, the implication dott.Piergiorgio provided was that you said there "are no GOOD ENDINGS", with the summary stating nothing but "a graduate on his last day of school" - it gave the impression that the only thing awaiting a student on the last day of school were bad endings. Of course, the contents of the game do not actually deal with the theme of a "last day of school", so the point is moot, but that is how it was presented and how I initially felt, too.

On the subject of the game itself, I think there's room for improvement by familiarising yourself more with colloquial speech. Most characters spoke in very stiff English, which while it was mostly grammatically correct, came off as dry and matter-of-factual and stiff. Try reading a few books in English written from a first-person perspective, and try to figure out how these books convey emotion and more than a simple description of events, and more of an actual narrator narrating.

I think it is wonderful that you can produce these so easily, and while your narration can work for a detective story, it doesn't seem appropriate for a story narrated by a teenager. Especially not when all characters talk in the same way.

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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 3:13 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2003 8:51 am
Posts: 2630
Location: Germany
Completed: Metropolitan Blues, The Loyal Kinsman, Daemonophilia, The Dreaming, The Thirteenth Year, Adrift, Bionic Heart 2
Projects: The Pilgrim's Path, Elspeth's Garden, Secret Adventure Game!
Organization: Tall Tales Productions
DLed it, played all four endings. Here are a few words on it.

Technically, you've improved a lot since your earlier titles. Your choice of artwork and font are appropriate for the sort of story you're telling, and except for the bamboo forest (which seemed a little odd for a story taking place in a western setting), nothing seemed really out of place. I am also impressed at the speed at which you're cranking out VNs - they may be short, but they are complete, bug-free games. Kudos for being so productive!

However, your writing still needs to improve a lot. As Applegate wrote, your style is still very stiff and your dialogue sounds stilted. You have a hard time conveying emotion; your characters seem to be mostly unaffected by what's happening around them. If you took a little more time thinking about the way people speak and try to adjust your writing according to the characters you're trying to portray, your stories would have a much greater impact.

Plot spoilers coming up...
What I particularly disliked in this story was the way you presented your plot twist. So your girlfriend is secretly a terrorist and your sister is secretly a policeman, and you didn't know this until your sister suddenly decides to tell you? Why isn't there any foreshadowing, except for the other endings where a bomb goes off without explanation? And why is your protagonist so eager to believe his girlfriend knew a bomb would go off if there was no indication that she had anything to do with this at all? I expected a melancholic slice-of-life story from your game, and I got "Memory Loss 2", including the final knife-fight. That sort of plot worked in a story where you had amnesia, but here, the surprise elements feel tacked-on and unnatural.

Why don't you try something romantic for a change and focus on a classic love triangle? With your penchant for out-of-the-ordinary plot, I'm certain you would be capable of much better stories than the ones we already know from you.

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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 4:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:25 pm
Posts: 930
@Wright1000,
I sent you a pm with my comments. Your stories are getting better as you continue to write.
Very respectfully,
fleet

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All of my VNs are at http://wolflore.net Some recent works on lemmasoft:
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Something Strange (modern fantasy/romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=17127
Arnie and the Hitchhiker (vampire romance) http://lemmasoft.renai.us/forums/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=15382
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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 6:59 pm 
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I have to admit, I enjoyed this game quite a bit, just... probably not the way I should have. (I got 3 of the 4 endings.)

I definitely didn't expect
Rayburn's girlfriend to be a terrorist, so that was an interesting twist on what seemed like an otherwise mundane school story. But it seemed random, since as Applegate said, there is no foreshadowing. Because it felt like it was all coming out of nowhere, it made me laugh, which I'm guessing wasn't your goal. (The amusing music didn't exactly put me in a sober mood either, although I loved it for what it was.) Most of the reason I didn't feel sad at the end was because there wasn't enough time spent with either character to help me get attached to them... maybe that would be something to work on?

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 Post subject: Re: Last Day at School
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 7:26 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:20 am
Posts: 629
Completed: Finding A Murderer, Memory Loss, Crime Investigation, Stay away from the graveyard, Last Day at School, Lonesome, Email, Hired Gun, Dusk, Hired Gun 2, Man-at-arms, Hired Gun 3, The Phantom Caller, Street Girl, Free love, The Story of Isabel Claudia
Thank you for your comments.

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