Finished the game with Ending 5: A Bright Future.
I'll be honest. I think the story itself definitely has potential. As it is right now, however, there are problems with the flow of narration and dialogue as well as the diction. My main problem with this particular piece is that there seems to be no transition from one event or plot point to the next.
By way of example:
Fernando decides to run away. Without any planning, he hitches a ride on a train. At this point, some internal monologue narrating how he feels about his sudden decision is in order. You could have said a thousand and one things about his anxiety, the sweating, the tears that are about to fall, the determination with which he made his decision. Stuff that will allow the reader to empathize with the feelings of the protagonist. Unfortunately, there was none of that in this piece.
Next, he meets this girl named Marie who immediately latches on to him for no apparent reason. Ok, maybe by pure coincidence, they happened to be in the same predicament more or less, but wouldn't you think that one of them would be surprised at such a coincidence? You could have had the narrator think internally, "what luck!" It's not everyday that such a moment of synchronicity happens. So it's quite surprising that neither one of them even acts the least bit surprised at this.
Finally, Marie's declaration of love seemed to come from out of nowhere. Fernando may have come to know her within a month, but for the readers, we really have no clue as to what kind of a girl Marie is aside from the fact that she likes picking up random strangers and bringing them to a friend's house, no less.
To sum it up, I think this is a good plot outline of a story that you really need to flesh out a bit more. It's not about adding more word count to the story, but about choosing the words that will make your story count. (I'd be willing to help
)
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