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Okay......after 2 weeks of hard work I'm finally ready to present......day of vampire love!!!! my friend checkd my speling for me so it oughta be ok........hope you enjoy..........plz.......constructive criticism......because i want to this game to be gr8!!

Download likn: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=F1IREQMA

First off, let me point out errors provided in the screenshot.

Original sentence: I shouldnt do anything maybe I'll screw it up and then she'll hate me and that'll be bad.
This conveys little to no emotion whatsoever. Besides that, you spelled a word wrong and it's a run-on sentence! You could use some more punctuation and stuff.

Revised sentence: I shouldn't do anything; maybe I'll screw it up, and then she'll hate me! That'd be bad...
With the semi-colon and comma, the reader has time to slow down and catch their breath. The exclamation point provides some emotion and gets the point across.

You should go back and check it one more time. If English isn't your first language, get a proof-reader. Also, you should provide a quick summary of what your game is about. A title alone isn't enough to make me want to download your game.

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Twinturtle Games Website

Ok yeah sorry Rewritten Ennui Youre right English isnt my first langage. And her's a sumary:

Your nam is Kikasu. Youre in love with the class present Tomomoe. An one day.....you discover a dakr sekret about Tomomoe. I don't want to spoil the.....surprise twist.

I like the flash style character art. I'll give this game a download and come back here with my thoughts on it later.

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How do you make your games? I see. Thank you for the prompt replies, but it is my considered opinion that you're doing it wrong inefficiently because I am a perfushenal professional. Do it my way this way and we can all ascend VN Nirvana together while allowing me to stroke my ego you will improve much faster. Also, please don't forget to thank me for this constructive critique or I will cry and bore you to death respond appropriately with a tl;dr rant discourse of epic adequately lengthy proportions. - Sarcasm Veiled in Euphemism: Secrets of Forum Civility by lordcloudx (Coming soon to an online ebook near you.)

The art is cute ^^

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Echo: Legend of the Centennial Bells

When I saw the heroine was called Tomomoe, I just had to download it. When I saw it was actually Tomomomoe, I was glad I downloaded it. (Are the extra mo in her name intentional? He calls her Tomomomomoe once... or however many mo are in there)

There's... a veritable room for improvement in the script; I'd really recommend you take another look at it and eliminate some of the run-on sentences, unless they're a part of the character's manner of speaking. In your enthusiasm to write you may have glossed over a few areas.

So I tried it and the story felt totally random and there are typographical errors all over the place. You also make some pretty liberal use of chatspeak shortcuts like "BTW" and "bcos" among others. Furthermore, you should drop the habit of using so many periods on an ellipsis (just three is fine like so... or more correctly like so . . .) or relying too much on ellipses in the first place.

The art is solid, but the story makes it seem like the author wasn't even trying when he wrote this. It's not just the errors which irk me but also the way the tale itself is constructed like it's some kind of wish fulfillment fanfic. There's literally no transition nor any foreshadowing from one plot point to another and things just seem to happen for no apparent reason.

Of course, this may just be because of the language barrier. I'd like to offer my help if you plan to make some revisions on the script.

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How do you make your games? I see. Thank you for the prompt replies, but it is my considered opinion that you're doing it wrong inefficiently because I am a perfushenal professional. Do it my way this way and we can all ascend VN Nirvana together while allowing me to stroke my ego you will improve much faster. Also, please don't forget to thank me for this constructive critique or I will cry and bore you to death respond appropriately with a tl;dr rant discourse of epic adequately lengthy proportions. - Sarcasm Veiled in Euphemism: Secrets of Forum Civility by lordcloudx (Coming soon to an online ebook near you.)

It was amusing - the story has some energy at least. Somehow I found the almost complete lack of structure to the sentences and punctuation added to the carefree energy of the piece.

Now, for anything longer or more serious, you're going to need to get yourself a good editor. I don't think a proofreader is enough. Also, learn to use the apostrophe - that's the one ommision I can't excuse. Otherwise, keep working at it and improving your skills.

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Mental weather report: Cloudy with a possibility of brain storms.

The game is very cute! The story gets really random once she reveals what she is, which I found amusing. And the music is very nice too.

The main weakness is the grammar mistakes and other problems with the text. I know English can be hard, it isn't my first language either, but persevering at it will make your games better!

I liked the game, but I think it would have been much more enjoyable if the text had been improved. So you might want to work on that aspect for your next game.

I have to disagree when someone says that English is a very hard language. My first language isn't English either. All you need to do is practice, practice and practice to make your grammar perfect.
And, about the game, I think the creator made it only to check Ren'py and test how good he is at programming. But I see no reason to post it in this forum.

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He who doesn't care about the environment doesn't care about his grandchildren.

Oh, I never said English was "very hard". I just said it "can be hard" when it's not your first language.

English is maybe one of the easiest languages of the world when it comes to things like grammar and sentence structure, but nevertheless it is still like any other language in that it can be hard to truly master and use well in writing.

That's all I meant, that it's good to try and persevere even when you feel that a foreign language is difficult to master. By striving to improve despite finding foreign languages hard from time to time, we have better chances of producing an entertaining game, so it's worth trying and persevering.
It was just encouragement and an attempt at soft criticism, since we were all telling him about the problems with the text in that game.
It wasn't meant as some sort of "it's hard so let's not bother" or something, just in case you got that impression. ^^;

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(I drew my avatar especially to express the scary feeling I get from the code as I type it... XD)

English is easy to learn the basics of; it's the advanced stuff that's a lot more difficult due to various exceptions to the rule and absurd little rules that aren't all intuitive for other languages. Languages like Indonesian, for example, have no changing verbs. The verb "pergi" is used regardless of the subject and doesn't change; I warrant that it is easier than English's various different forms.

That said, I believe the author's main difficulty is the use of appropriate spelling and the structure of the punctuation: I'd be hesitant to say he or she has difficulties speaking the English language. There is no problem with the use of the language itself short of a few things like "bcos" (on the other hand, this might be the narrator's way of talking) which is generally seen as chatspeak.

This game posted has room for improvement in structure and refinement, not language.

I seriously think you could have done better in all basically all aspects.
The art was fine, the game worked , but the music was sombre and didn't fit the story one bit.

I'm not going to touch on the grammatical correctness of your work.
I think the other posts have said enough. Instead, I will review the story.

Nothing that the main character did, or said, was believable.
Not one thing, the main character came off as a total tool.
Literally "OH MY GOD A GIRL LOOKED AT ME, SHE MUST LOVE ME!"
And then, basically his entire thought process worked on how events in anime/manga would reflect the real world.

All of the choices, save for the final choice, had no purpose.
They were thrown in to give the reader the illusion of choice. This is by far the cheapest way to write any VN.
The illusion of choice is great and all, but when the choices are so close together, it becomes more of a bother to the reader and less of a added perk.

Sure it might seem great for all the "Ohhh what's this button do" players out there, and if they are your target audience, that's great!

Except when they find out the buttons are all show and don't do anything.

Narration was all over the place, I couldn't tell if the main character was telling the story to me, or you were accidentally breaking the 4th wall.

The ending overall, felt rushed.
And to me, and most other readers I'd imagine, it would have felt like you got bored writing it, or just didn't know where to take it and slapped on a random ending just to finish it off.

Overall, not bad for an attempt, as I said the art was nice and the game at least worked. That is about all I can say that was good about it.

Also, is the games protagonist name pronounced "Kick-ass-su"?

Definitely not! If my understanding of Japanese hasn't grown rusty, the syllables are "ki-ka-su", all three of them pronounced equally long. That's considerably unfunnier than your interpretation, but I think it's non-negotiable.

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Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Writer for Pet Project II: Heavy Petting
More about me in my blog

If you actually say "kikasu" with a Japanese accent, it actually sounds almost exactly like "kickass," so there's that.

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I apologize in advance for being extremely opinionated.
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