I tried the game. Congrats on finishing your first game C:
It wasn't bad for a first attempt, but I think the reason why it feels unrealistic and random is because of the lack of information. The whole mystery thing is cool, but sometimes writers forget that players/readers cannot see what's going on in their brains. As a writer, we sometimes get carried away with constructing this whole over-arching plot, and in doing so we take certain details for granted. So when we play our own game or read our own story, it makes complete sense to us, but it may be very abrupt and nonsensical to the player/reader.
It's like MusicaFate mentioned. The other guy's appearance is very random and sudden. Such a key player should at least have been lightly introduced somewhere along the story, even if we don't actually get to meet him.
Also, it's kinda hard to establish a connection with someone we barely get to know, so because of that the whole set up feels unfortunately pretentious.
When her boyfriend died
, I didn't even have enough time to decide on his character, let alone feel sad for him. It's kinda like what Vynuxys said. Too much and too fast at once. There wasn't any time to digest the information and even after getting all the endings, the player will have to sit there and rethink the whole thing trying to make sense. A coherent story should intrigue the reader and make him/her curious about the plot, not completely confuse and unarm him/her.
Nonetheless, it's a good attempt for a short game. Maybe the same problems won't exist in a longer game.
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it was a good start! I encourage you to make more visual novels and strive higher and higher~
