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 Post subject: The Bluebirds Cage
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:44 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:25 am
Posts: 4
Hey!

I've just made my very first (very sort) visual novel! and was looking for some feed back :)


The Bluebirds cage (deviantart)

There's probably a lot of spelling mistakes...

The story is an exploration into the mind of a mad person, or maybe just yourself; and the feeling of wanting to escape and hide from reality. This led the character to create an alternate personality within himself, who he has to revisit to escape from reality. But the alternate personality becomes stronger than the original personality and takes control; keeping the original personality captive. But wasn't this what the original personality wanted anyway?


Thanks
Bobbyberta


Last edited by bobbyberta on Sat Dec 24, 2011 12:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bluebirds Cage
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:56 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:38 pm
Posts: 1488
Welcome to the forum, Bobbyberta.

It's usually a good idea to describe your story, characters, setting, and so on. While many people want to avoid spoilers, you will benefit by providing some details and explanations.

From what I found on your Deviant Art page, you've created a short story with Flash. And it has two endings. There were a few spelling mistakes, but what concerned me was...
that it was very difficult to tell what was happening in your story. It all seemed very dream-like. Who are these characters? What are their goals? What's going on?

Yes, this is a short story, and a first try. But like they say in Inception, we need to go deeper. In future stories, you will benefit from providing concrete details about who's involved, what they're doing, and why the audience should pay attention.


Sorry if this sounded a bit harsh. Honestly, this is not a bad start. Keep writing, keep using Flash and Renpy to make games and stories.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bluebirds Cage
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 10:28 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:25 am
Posts: 4
Hi gekiganwing,

Thanks for the advice :)
I was wondering when I posted the story if I had not given enough concrete detail; I was trying to get a balance between leaving the reader to decide what they were reading and giving them facts.
I will try and keep working on this in the future; and add a brief description at the top.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bluebirds Cage
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 10:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:50 am
Posts: 458
Projects: Circo della Sera
Well, that's a pretty good start for just trying out them program. Art style suited the mood and theme well :D

My thoughts:
I suppose this story was meant to be a short one, but I felt like it all went by too fast. Bam, bam, bam and then done. I honestly didn't get what was happening until I read the description you put up xD'' It could be that I was just slow though.
What bothered me I suppose was that there was no foreshadowing, eveything went by too fast and didn't give the reader enough time to absorb and adjust.

I agree with the points gekiganwing had raised, basically xD''


That being said, I'll be looking forward to your future projects~

_________________
Image | Image | Commissions opened! | My deviantart


Last edited by Tag- on Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bluebirds Cage
PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2011 11:31 am 
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Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 9:25 am
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Hi Tag-

Thanks for your comments :)
I hadn't really thought about pacing... I was more worried about getting the story down on 'paper'. It's defiantly something I shall work on for my next work!

I like to think that the first time you see the bird in the cage, you get some foreshadowing, but this is obviously something I need to work on :)


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