I've started on a new game.
(I'm so sorry, I've got like a million projects going on and I just seem to add more and more to my workpile...)
Anyways, it's basically a story on the self-esteem issues of a high school boy. Don't know if it's kinetic or not yet but it all depends.
I was wondering on whether on not I can get some feedback on the opening lines and whether or not I've written them just fine or if it's horrible or whatever. I just need an opinion.
Code: Select all
"When you start a portrait of someone, which place do you start at first?"
"I don't know about you, but as for me, I like to start with the face."
"First I would define the shape. Oval, square, heart, etc, etc."
"Then I'd add in the eyes. There's something rather fantastic about eyes."
"There are different shapes, shades, and sizes."
"It's as though eyes were an actual window to your soul."
"The next thing I'd put in would be the nose. There are different shapes to that too."
"Personally, I prefer a more prominent nose than the one I have."
"I feel that large noses have a certain...character to them."
"The nose is a rather interesting object of study."
"And lastly, I'd add the set of lips."
"I'm horrible at drawing a decent pair of lips. I never know quite how to shape them."
"The colors will come out just right, but when it comes to the shape..."
"Well, I'm at a loss with that."
"Add in the rest of the little details to the face you wouldn't even notice had you not been forced to draw this portrait."
"Then the hair, the ears if they are visible, and the neck."
"Put in a body if you'd like."
"And you've got yourself a portrait of someone."
"If someone were to draw a nice little portrait of me, it'd look like..."
"Round brown eyes."
"Taped up oval glasses."
"A plethora of scars and pimples on my forehead and cheeks."
"A little black mole above my right eyebrow."
"A double chin that sticks out visibly when I'm laughing."
"Thin, colorless lips that look like they've been pursed together for too long."
"A nose that's nothing really to look at."
"Incessantly messy black hair that sticks every which way without my consent."
"If you decide to add in a body for me, you can start out drawing a circle."
"No seriously, just draw a huge circle right underneath my neck."
"A pair of moobs."
"Peeking underbelly."
"Short, stubby legs."
"Overworn Converse shoes with the tips of the laces fraying."
"That's what you'd get if you drew that picture accurately."
"Or what you'd get if you looked closely at me."
"But you probably won't."
"I mean, even I try not to when I look in the mirror."
"Look at me, that is."
"But that's okay."
"Years in this world has guaranteed me a certain lack of self-esteem."
"And it's also given me a welcomed awareness of myself."
"I am a loser. And that's okay I guess."
"It's not great but, it's something I gotta live with."
"And that's okay."
"At least..."
"That's the story, anyways."
it is an interesting concept and a brave one to address like this. Plenty of stories will touch on insecurities but few ever really get too into it. You have the possibility to make something very gritty and real here- which is pretty unique. That being said I did notice some small things in the writing (nothing huge I promise.) First there are still a few grammar and spelling errors- everyone has them, just proof it rinse and repeat. Second there is the sentence flow- dont forget to spice up the sentence stucture here and there. The first part is a step by step process the character is going over- that's cool, but it can get a little dry. Try throwing in some more personal reflections like you did about the eyes. While we are on eyes I would avoid saying they are the gateway to the soul- it is a cliche (which can be easily avoided by simply acknowledging that it is one.) The last thing that I sort of noticed was the word plethora. I mean- it is the right word to use, however it is sort of an archaic word and sounds awkward imho. Keep at it! I found it enjoyable.