Could I get some critique of part of my intro, please?

[leCiel]

Attempting to get a VN started, and I'm not a writer, so writing for this is going to be an interesting experience. I'm sort of confused about writing for VNs. Like, I'm guessing there's a style of sorts that I'm unaware of??? I tried writing with VN in mind, but I'm really out of my depth. So would anyone mind explaining a bit of the writing process?

The story starts with the MC dying, at which point they go through a journey of discovery of the unknown parts of the world around them. There's going to be demons, and 'demon hunters' (so to speak), and 'occultists' (of sorts). Essentially the MC is like an unfortunate casualty in a long-standing conflict between these factions because, up until this point, they've lived a fairly normal life. The attempted murder was sudden and unexpected, and it results in the MC ending up in limbo, with the choice to live or not. They have to figure out what's going on, how they factor into the conflicts, and what role they want to/have to/need to play. If they choose to go back. If not... well, the story doesn't end with death. There's going to be some really important choices in the intro that'll affect the path the story takes, some less important choices (RE: totally useless, red herrings, ehe), and hopefully surreality.

I would really appreciate some thoughts on my writing (style, tone, too much/too little/unnecessary detail?, scene setting, characterization, etc) and ways to use/improve my foreshadowing and such.

SFX

I remember impact and dropping like a rag doll, the crack of my head against the pavement a distant ringing in my ears.

Everything is a blurry kaleidoscope of colours and sounds and pain.


-----------------


Struggle:
I try to speak, but my tongue is lead and tastes of blood.

Hands hold me--trap me, drown me--down as I claw vainly for my life.

Saviour?

Or assailant?

The colours shift.

---

Do nothing:
My muscles twitch and spasm as I lay, waiting for some intervention.

I let my eyes close and retreat into myself.

I feel the vestiges of an awareness slipping through my thoughts.

My thoughts…?


-----------------


The world dissipates.

And I am lost.

My head throbs behind closed eyes, and my hands clench the edges of weathered rock that cuts deeply into my palms.

"What…?"

I open my eyes, and nothing is real.

I sit on the precipice of an existence vast and infinite, legs dangling over the rhythmic roar of a river far, far below.

The knowledge of <<crossroads>> and <<choices>> thrums in my veins, and I feel so, so small and very afraid.

My grip tightens, painfully so, and I inhale sharply the scent of daffodils and crisp, cool air.

I don't know how, but I am not yet dead--just dying.

The ground beneath me begins to crumble at the thought, rock dusting under my grip.

The thump of my heart is like the beat of drums in my ears, and the world is suddenly too sharp and too vivid.

After, the path diverges drastically depending on the choices.

If anyone wants/needs more info, I'd be happy to spoil more of the plot.

[Mad Harlequin]

You have a very different style from what I've usually seen here, and that's a good thing, in my opinion. It reads very much like poetry. I'm interested in seeing what kind of story you tell.

Now here's some advice: if I'm writing something that isn't poetry, I tend to start with basic research. Creating character profiles can be extremely useful. If you're creating your own setting, establishing its history and lore is a good place to start. (And if you're setting your story in the real world, you'll still want to do the research necessary for it.)

Suggested corrections:

I remember the impact. I remember and dropping like a rag doll, the crack of my head against the pavement a distant ringing in my ears.

Everything is a blurry kaleidoscope of colours and sounds and pain.


-----------------


Struggle:
I try to speak, but my tongue is lead heavy and tastes of blood.

Hands hold me down--trapping me, drowning me--as I claw vainly for my life.

Is it a saviour?

Or an assailant?

The colours shift.

---

Do nothing:
My muscles twitch and spasm as I lay, lie waiting for some intervention.

I let my eyes close and retreat into myself.

I feel the vestiges of an awareness slipping through my thoughts. (What are you trying to say here? Whose awareness is slipping through?)

My thoughts…?


-----------------


The world dissipates, and I am lost.

My head throbs behind closed eyes, and as my hands clench, the edges of weathered rock that cuts deeply into my palms.

"What…?"

I open my eyes, and nothing is real.

I sit on the precipice of an existence vast and infinite, legs dangling over the rhythmic roar of a river far , far below.

The knowledge of <<crossroads>> and <<choices>> thrums in my veins, and I feel so, so small and very afraid.

My grip tightens, painfully so, and I inhale sharply the scent of daffodils and crisp, cool air.

I don't know how, but I am not yet dead--just dying.

The ground beneath me begins to crumble at the thought , rock dusting under my grip.

The thump of my heart is like the beat of drums in my ears, and the world is suddenly too sharp and too vivid. (The drums = heartbeat comparison is cliche, but I can understand why you want to use it.)

You'll want to be careful not to make your descriptions too vague. They sound very pretty, but make sure they mean something. Otherwise they're just fluff.

[leCiel]

You have a very different style from what I've usually seen here, and that's a good thing, in my opinion. It reads very much like poetry. I'm interested in seeing what kind of story you tell.

Now here's some advice: if I'm writing something that isn't poetry, I tend to start with basic research. Creating character profiles can be extremely useful. If you're creating your own setting, establishing its history and lore is a good place to start. (And if you're setting your story in the real world, you'll still want to do the research necessary for it.)

Suggested corrections:

snip

You'll want to be careful not to make your descriptions too vague. They sound very pretty, but make sure they mean something. Otherwise they're just fluff.

I'm surprised. My experiences with poetry-writing have been even worse than those with writing. :/ I hope it'll be an interesting story; the idea seems to be growing, so it'll take a while to write 'cause of my snail's pace and how every sentence is a challenge for me (in terms of word choice and rhythm and content).

I have most of the lore down, though I'm playing roulette with the setting still. MM, character profiles are useful; however, I always feel conflicted over them. (Some of my writing/character-building process involves taking a bunch of possible scenarios, narrowing them down, placing my character into the scenario, coming up with the possible reactions to such a scenario and the consequences, and finding one that 'fits' the character. And for that, I typically don't have a concrete personality trait in mind.) I think my problem with that is that profiling strips the complexity of individuality, and then I end up trying to fit the mould, so to speak, which results in more 'cliches'.

As to your corrections, thank you. I like most of them; they make the flow better and decrease my propensity for redundancies. Though, I might keep some of them for stylistic reasons. Or try to rework them.

Right, so you caught the ambiguous statement on awareness. I did that on purpose, and I'm not sure how I feel about you having noticed it, since I was trying to be subtle. º∆º

Spoilers for important plot points:

Explanation time!
So demons, yeah? For my story, they don't actually have their own bodies, so much as an aesthetic, so to speak. What happens is that a demon's 'essence' (and I need to come up with an appropriately descriptive noun for this) latches on to a human's at birth and then goes dormant. (A side effect of this is that these human's are more resilient to damage and dying, so they're more likely to survive life-threatening wounds. This isn't a good thing for the demon, but just a result of the mixing and to prepare the body.)

Next, there are 'conditions' for awakening/possession:
1. The human has to die an 'unnatural' death (which, for the purposes of the story, includes everything that isn't death by old age).
2. Every human that has a demon latched onto them will arrive at their own personal crossroads, where they have to make the decision to live or die. This only applies to those with unnatural deaths. (Dying by old age results in the individual moving on, and the demon gaining a cursory idea of their life/experiences and attaching to the closest baby.)

Choosing to die means letting the demon take your body, and from there, their magic transitions the body into a form/aesthetic that they have/are at inception.

Because of these requirements, the majority of the populace are not aware of demon problem (RE: only the 'occultists' and the demon hunters know any of this, and not even THAT much).

Fun fact: the demon hunters use magic to fight the demons.

So, that line about awareness is the MC sort of noting the demon gaining 'awareness' (i.e. starting to awaken). But since they're in pain and dying (and they fall 'unconscious' soon after), they don't pay it too much mind. It's my attempt at foreshadowing/putting doubt into the reader for future choices.

And yeah, I realize the drums thing is cliche. I honestly couldn't think of a better simile for it.

[sasquatchii]

I'm surprised. My experiences with poetry-writing have been even worse than those with writing. :/ I hope it'll be an interesting story; the idea seems to be growing, so it'll take a while to write 'cause of my snail's pace and how every sentence is a challenge for me (in terms of word choice and rhythm and content).

I honestly couldn't think of a better simile for it.

I think Mad Harlequin did an awesome job of editing.

I'm just starting to learn how to write stories too, but one thing I've learned to do is not stress over every word in the first draft. It's just the first draft- of course it's not going to be perfect! Feel free to let loose and just write, even if you think some of its crap. Chances are it will help better your writing.

As for the heartbeat = drums metaphor, try to brainstorm different ideas to come up with something different. You can create word maps or use a thesaurus to help you. Try thinking of different verbs that describe how the MC feels, and then various nouns that might take the place of the drums.

I think your story is very interesting and reminds me of The Golden Compass (especially the part about Demons latching onto people.) I am curious as to why the demons in your story need to latch on to humans.

[Mad Harlequin]

I think Mad Harlequin did an awesome job of editing.

Oh, thanks!

I'm just starting to learn to write stories too, but one thing I've learned to do is not stress over every word in the first draft. It's just the first draft- of course it's not going to be perfect! Feel free to let loose and just write, even if you think some of its crap. Chances are it will help better your writing.

This is very important! As Sasquatchii said, don't worry too much about having everything perfect until you have a solid first draft done.