Re: Spiral Destiny Demo [NaNoRenO 2012]
Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 5:20 am
Finally played through everything. Just some quick notes about the writing:
As PyTom pointed out, the pacing is uneven. Specifically, the "action sequences" are too descriptive, with too little emotional reaction and anticipation before choices and actions are made. Satria's reaction to the earthquake is okay, but Ratana's flight up the escalator is problematic. I recommend reading Jim Butcher's advice on how to structure reactions according to ERAC (Emotion, Reason, Anticipation, Choice) here. I'm not sure if you're trying to show Ratana's panic and numbness as a result of being overwhelmed, but if you are, it doesn't come through very well. You need to write something about the emotion (or lack of emotion) as she goes through this crisis, before each action is taken (the flight upwards, the elevators, the not-throwing-shoe, the falling asleep, the meeting with other survivors). She can be dithering and lost (which happens quite well in the underwater rescue scene), but she cannot have no reaction. People are usually frozen because of very strong conflicting instincts, not because they're numb. And they only become numb after a prolonged assault on their senses and emotions, which you haven't shown enough of to make numbness believable.
With regards to characterization, I love Satria's character voice. Very well done, the whole country-bumpkin trying to be cool in the city, but loving everything. Kanye's character is pretty believable as the older, responsible sister. Eun's character, while lovable and cute, is inconsistent with some of her actions. Specifically, for a girl who's always been lucky and had her way in everything, I would imagine her first reaction would be denial, rather than getting down to solving the problem. You show a little of this when she complains about trivial things (her knee, her shoes) while escaping, but then the whole water-bottle thing seems out of character. Kanye seems to be the more likely one to think of it, given her responsible personality and experience as a life guard. Alternatively, if you need Eun to be stronger-willed in the future, then you should show flashes of a stronger personality in the introduction. Or make it a part of her character development arc throughout the story.
Hope that helps!
-Dizzy-
As PyTom pointed out, the pacing is uneven. Specifically, the "action sequences" are too descriptive, with too little emotional reaction and anticipation before choices and actions are made. Satria's reaction to the earthquake is okay, but Ratana's flight up the escalator is problematic. I recommend reading Jim Butcher's advice on how to structure reactions according to ERAC (Emotion, Reason, Anticipation, Choice) here. I'm not sure if you're trying to show Ratana's panic and numbness as a result of being overwhelmed, but if you are, it doesn't come through very well. You need to write something about the emotion (or lack of emotion) as she goes through this crisis, before each action is taken (the flight upwards, the elevators, the not-throwing-shoe, the falling asleep, the meeting with other survivors). She can be dithering and lost (which happens quite well in the underwater rescue scene), but she cannot have no reaction. People are usually frozen because of very strong conflicting instincts, not because they're numb. And they only become numb after a prolonged assault on their senses and emotions, which you haven't shown enough of to make numbness believable.
With regards to characterization, I love Satria's character voice. Very well done, the whole country-bumpkin trying to be cool in the city, but loving everything. Kanye's character is pretty believable as the older, responsible sister. Eun's character, while lovable and cute, is inconsistent with some of her actions. Specifically, for a girl who's always been lucky and had her way in everything, I would imagine her first reaction would be denial, rather than getting down to solving the problem. You show a little of this when she complains about trivial things (her knee, her shoes) while escaping, but then the whole water-bottle thing seems out of character. Kanye seems to be the more likely one to think of it, given her responsible personality and experience as a life guard. Alternatively, if you need Eun to be stronger-willed in the future, then you should show flashes of a stronger personality in the introduction. Or make it a part of her character development arc throughout the story.
Hope that helps!
-Dizzy-
I hope the final release won't disappoint you.