Crysalis
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Crysalis
Hi I am posting my first game! It was for a college project were we had to develop a game. The course originally had us use flash, but I opted to use Ren'py.
This is a Visual Novel game were you are trapped in a forest and have to escape!
please enjoy!
http://mypage.iu.edu/~gidking/game/home.html
This is the reedit!
This is a Visual Novel game were you are trapped in a forest and have to escape!
please enjoy!
http://mypage.iu.edu/~gidking/game/home.html
This is the reedit!
Last edited by cappnpork on Tue May 03, 2011 10:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Crysalis
I enjoyed the story. I thought it was original. Do you want constructive criticism?
Some of my visual novels are at http://www.the-new-lagoon.com. They are NSFW
Poorly done hand-drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.
Poorly done hand-drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.
Re: Crysalis
please I know it is rough but feedback is appreciated and welcomed.
- Auro-Cyanide
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Re: Crysalis
Congratulations on finishing the game I thought it was pretty good, and the four endings were quite distinctive.
As for feedback:
1. First thing you need to do is read through the script aloud. There are many sentences that either need a comma, a full stop or restructuring.
For example you had: 'I had to go they always treat me like a child'. It should be '(But) I had to go, they always treat me like a child' or '(But) I had to go. They always treat me like a child'
2. Next step would be to get someone, even a couple people, to proofread it. Sometimes it can be difficult to pick up your own mistakes, so having someone else point them out helps a lot. For example, you had 'here' instead of 'hear', 'great' instead of 'greet' and 'reading' instead of 'readying'. Also, you wrote hilt when I think you mean scabbard. The hilt of a sword is what you hold, the scabbard is what you keep it in.
3. While I didn't think your writing was too bad, I think it could be improved. The best way to do this is to put some personality into the character. You are painting the world from their point of view, put in some adjectives and truly describe how they see it. For an example, you wrote 'a lot of gold'. A better way to describe it would be for the character to say 'enough gold to...' and use a reference that helps show the reader who this character is. Most of this will come with practice. Next time you write, really try to put yourself in the position of the character. Feel what they would feel and imagine what they see. Then describe it.
4. I think you should name the characters. It was a bit weird to have 'you' and 'friend'. It is okay to have a character for the reader to step into.
5. Your artwork wasn't too bad, not to my taste, but functional. I quite liked the little emoticon bubbles, though real expressions would have been nice in some cases, especially the more serious moments.
Anyway, I think that is the major things I noticed. Congratulations on your first game and I hope you move on to make many more
As for feedback:
1. First thing you need to do is read through the script aloud. There are many sentences that either need a comma, a full stop or restructuring.
For example you had: 'I had to go they always treat me like a child'. It should be '(But) I had to go, they always treat me like a child' or '(But) I had to go. They always treat me like a child'
2. Next step would be to get someone, even a couple people, to proofread it. Sometimes it can be difficult to pick up your own mistakes, so having someone else point them out helps a lot. For example, you had 'here' instead of 'hear', 'great' instead of 'greet' and 'reading' instead of 'readying'. Also, you wrote hilt when I think you mean scabbard. The hilt of a sword is what you hold, the scabbard is what you keep it in.
3. While I didn't think your writing was too bad, I think it could be improved. The best way to do this is to put some personality into the character. You are painting the world from their point of view, put in some adjectives and truly describe how they see it. For an example, you wrote 'a lot of gold'. A better way to describe it would be for the character to say 'enough gold to...' and use a reference that helps show the reader who this character is. Most of this will come with practice. Next time you write, really try to put yourself in the position of the character. Feel what they would feel and imagine what they see. Then describe it.
4. I think you should name the characters. It was a bit weird to have 'you' and 'friend'. It is okay to have a character for the reader to step into.
5. Your artwork wasn't too bad, not to my taste, but functional. I quite liked the little emoticon bubbles, though real expressions would have been nice in some cases, especially the more serious moments.
Anyway, I think that is the major things I noticed. Congratulations on your first game and I hope you move on to make many more
Re: Crysalis
Playing it now =]
congrats on completing your game
1. I like the mood bubbles he expresses, its a change from the usual
2. As cyanide said, I find some of the script hard to read, I'll need to read the same sentence 2 or 3 times before i get it. Also... the part where the friend arrives, i think you meant to write 'here' instead of 'her'.
3. I love the background art, it reminds me of a painting by a french artist... i forgot his name ^^" but i like it
4. In comparison, the crystal looks too rounded, in honesty i thought it looked more like a jelly mold. I would suggest looking up pictures of actual crystals and take note of their structure.
anyway, I liked the storyline, but wished it could have been longer and more elaborated
good job =]
congrats on completing your game
1. I like the mood bubbles he expresses, its a change from the usual
2. As cyanide said, I find some of the script hard to read, I'll need to read the same sentence 2 or 3 times before i get it. Also... the part where the friend arrives, i think you meant to write 'here' instead of 'her'.
3. I love the background art, it reminds me of a painting by a french artist... i forgot his name ^^" but i like it
4. In comparison, the crystal looks too rounded, in honesty i thought it looked more like a jelly mold. I would suggest looking up pictures of actual crystals and take note of their structure.
anyway, I liked the storyline, but wished it could have been longer and more elaborated
good job =]
Unsuccessful Artist
--- Blog ---> http://nana-o9.xanga.com/
Current Project:
The cow and the pretty red stone
{Sounds weird but it's for my own entertainment ^-^}
--- Blog ---> http://nana-o9.xanga.com/
Current Project:
The cow and the pretty red stone
{Sounds weird but it's for my own entertainment ^-^}
Re: Crysalis
Thnx for the feedback. Yeah the grammar is pretty bad. Next time I'll make sure to proof it. I wanted facial expressions but I ran out of time had to submit it for a grade.
Re: Crysalis
May I politely re-emphasize something that Auro-Cyanide wrote?cappnpork wrote:Thnx for the feedback. Yeah the grammar is pretty bad. Next time I'll make sure to proof it. I wanted facial expressions but I ran out of time had to submit it for a grade.
". . .get someone, even a couple people, to proofread it."
My partner reads my stuff, and both of us missed an incorrectly spelled word in my current work in progress. The third person who read the story caught the error.
Very respectfully,
fleet
Some of my visual novels are at http://www.the-new-lagoon.com. They are NSFW
Poorly done hand-drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.
Poorly done hand-drawn art is still poorly done art. Be a Poser (or better yet, use DAZ Studio 3D) - dare to be different.
- KomiTsuku
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Re: Crysalis
I could beat a dead horse about grammar and spelling, but that would be a waste of time. Instead, I took a few minutes and edited the script. It was a very quick check, so there may be one or two errors I missed. Also, I changed a bit of the narration scripting. Unless the character (You) is talking, it works better to keep it without a name at the top.
Art was good, it was what helped convince me pick up your story (I really should be working right now... ).
Anyway, I should be getting back to work. Chief has things of his own that he needs to get editing. Just wanted to say congrats on the story, hope you use the edits, and I look forward to seeing more work in the future, maybe even a longer trip through this maze.
Art was good, it was what helped convince me pick up your story (I really should be working right now... ).
A little bit of backstory, a little bit of personality, and I think you might have the beginnings to a very solid story or series of short stories. It felt like there could be a lot of potential there.Auro-Cyanide wrote:4. I think you should name the characters. It was a bit weird to have 'you' and 'friend'. It is okay to have a character for the reader to step into.
Anyway, I should be getting back to work. Chief has things of his own that he needs to get editing. Just wanted to say congrats on the story, hope you use the edits, and I look forward to seeing more work in the future, maybe even a longer trip through this maze.
- Attachments
-
- script.rpy
- (13.63 KiB) Downloaded 38 times
My common sense is tingling!
Woah! I actually have a website now. It never updates!
Woah! I actually have a website now. It never updates!
Re: Crysalis
I really apperciate the proof reading. I cant say when I'll be able to rework the game. But Ill keep the revised script. To many finals!!
- KomiTsuku
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Re: Crysalis
Glad to help.cappnpork wrote:I really apperciate the proof reading. I cant say when I'll be able to rework the game. But Ill keep the revised script. To many finals!!
My common sense is tingling!
Woah! I actually have a website now. It never updates!
Woah! I actually have a website now. It never updates!
Re: Crysalis
Have added the script into game will reload with new site. Will give you credit for proofing. Thank u.
Re: Crysalis
A linux version would be appreciated.
Re: Crysalis
That's the weird thing when i scripted the game and compiled it I told it to make a Linux version as well but i didn't i just assumed the mac version was the Linux version. Does anyone know what I did wrong?
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Re: Crysalis
I'll DL now, but the 99% of the issues with Linux is that Linux is cAsE SEnsITivE..... in an a quarter-hour or so I'll be able to report what is the actual issue....
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Re: Crysalis
Uhhh... actually seems to actually be in the other 1% of Linux issues:
I don't have an immediate explanation of this, tentatively must be something related to installed vs. compiled versions, but let's hear if Pytom has an opinion on this....
Best rregards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.
Code: Select all
pigi@Lauria:~/dload/Crysalis-win32$ python Crysalis.py
Found Ren'Py module version 6.10.1, while expecting 6.12.0.
Trying to run anyway, but you should expect errors.
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "Crysalis.py", line 145, in <module>
main()
File "Crysalis.py", line 142, in main
renpy.bootstrap.bootstrap(renpy_base)
File "/home/pigi/dload/Crysalis-win32/renpy/bootstrap.py", line 262, in bootstrap
renpy.import_all()
File "/home/pigi/dload/Crysalis-win32/renpy/__init__.py", line 113, in import_all
import renpy.display.render # Most display stuff depends on this.
ImportError: No module named render
Best rregards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.
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