Controlled Chaos; or, Second Origins (demo up to Ch 8)
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Controlled Chaos; or, Second Origins (demo up to Ch 8)
February 24, 2007: Please see the 10th page for the download.
I haven't hooked it to my sig yet.
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Um. This really was an overnight thing, but you could just as easily say that I'd been thinking about writing it again for years. I pushed it together into a text demo. The rest of my comments are in my dull readme file.
No, I don't smoke crack.
It's a story about a struggling android and cyborg girl, and several other characters that come into play later on. It's a bit of a dystopia, but not completely.
I haven't hooked it to my sig yet.
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Um. This really was an overnight thing, but you could just as easily say that I'd been thinking about writing it again for years. I pushed it together into a text demo. The rest of my comments are in my dull readme file.
No, I don't smoke crack.
It's a story about a struggling android and cyborg girl, and several other characters that come into play later on. It's a bit of a dystopia, but not completely.
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Last edited by Watercolorheart on Sat Feb 24, 2007 12:08 pm, edited 6 times in total.
I'm not even the same person anymore
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Sounds interesting
This is just a demo, right? I'm a bit hesitant to read through it and would rather read the completed story.
And Calculus 2 is nothing, not compared to Calculus 3 and Vector Calculus (which I failed with a solid F by the way ) Now whenever I write something initially intended to be romantic and slice-of-life it turns into an action drama complete with drive-by shootings and exploding cars.
This is just a demo, right? I'm a bit hesitant to read through it and would rather read the completed story.
And Calculus 2 is nothing, not compared to Calculus 3 and Vector Calculus (which I failed with a solid F by the way ) Now whenever I write something initially intended to be romantic and slice-of-life it turns into an action drama complete with drive-by shootings and exploding cars.
"But what she is even sadder : ..." > "But what she is, is even sadder :" ?
And just ... wow . It was a bit hard to read and comprehend but it was really captivating . It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
Well, given I managed to read this when it's just text... I should enjoy the full product muchly ^^
And just ... wow . It was a bit hard to read and comprehend but it was really captivating . It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
Well, given I managed to read this when it's just text... I should enjoy the full product muchly ^^
from the authors .txt:
If you polish the image of the distopia of humanity, you'd have a winner.
Just my 2c
I've read 10X more sci-fi novels than fantasy novels. I don't know who the other people who critiqued your work read (if anything at all), but this so far is solid. In fact, it feels very competent, if not for someone with a background in science and engineering, then definitely for someone who knows scifi literature. You have good premise and insights. This CAN work as an anime-style drama, sort of like Metal Idol Key + Serial Experiments Lain + PlanetarianI just wanted to see if anyone liked it ... I've gotten a lot of negative feedback on it, and I'm not at all enthused about continuing it ...
On the other hand, I never asked anyone who was a fan of science fiction ... I guess some people were turned off by the complexity of it.
If you polish the image of the distopia of humanity, you'd have a winner.
Just my 2c
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Any suggestions are always appreciated. I think that the dystopia is best perceived through Yukina's actual memories. Bion's bland summary of events would lose something there, don't you think?
Casualty statistics are just numbers until it becomes personal.
Um ... thanks for the few reviews, everyone, I'll try to keep on writing it.
Casualty statistics are just numbers until it becomes personal.
Um ... thanks for the few reviews, everyone, I'll try to keep on writing it.
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So, in other words, an excuse to implement a footnote system that I once asked about on the Ren'Py subforum, and bother PyTom for coding again? ^_^monele wrote: It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
Yes, hopefully with good writing, it will only improve with visuals. But, I really should be writing right now on another project, so thank you for your input.Well, given I managed to read this when it's just text... I should enjoy the full product muchly ^^
Didn't he already code something for this ? I thought it worked already ô_o... hence the suggestion.BCS wrote:So, in other words, an excuse to implement a footnote system that I once asked about on the Ren'Py subforum, and bother PyTom for coding again? ^_^monele wrote: It's the kind of game that would benefit (imo) from the "inline link" system that could give further informations on terms (such as simplified definitions and maybe your own notes about it). You could even make it pass for a data storage system of Bion ^^.
Given other comments, you can be sure you have more than a few people interested, so at least, whenever you feel like working on it again, you'll know it's not a project going to waste ^^Yes, hopefully with good writing, it will only improve with visuals. But, I really should be writing right now on another project, so thank you for your input.
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Yeah, hyperlinks have been around for a while now.Didn't he already code something for this ? I thought it worked already ô_o... hence the suggestion.
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Thanks, that's what I needed to here. As for where it's going, I think that part of it is history ... and the next important part of it will be the present. But, if I didn't set the stage with the past events, it would mean nothing to the readers.Alessio wrote:Even not being a SciFi freak I liked the introduction.
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Chapter One needs a debug to figure out why it doesn't display the proper sketches :/
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- PyTom
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You need to move the image statements up into the init block. I need to make Ren'Py complain if it sees an image statement outside of an init block... I thought it already would.
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