Need some constructive criticism
Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 8:01 pm
I'm planning on making a visual novel called 2020: The revolution. I wrote this in a normal kindof way and not a visual novel kindof way but i would love to hear constructive criticism. Yes , before someone says anything this is partially inspired by code geass but not a fanfiction or anything like that.
I guess this is the end. I lived my life like the rest. Where did I go wrong? If I am going to die here, is it my fault? My life is meaningless then, just one of the millions who passed through the same system.
A hand grabbed the bag on my head and allowed my eyes to see the light of this world once more, my last time. A flock of people arrived at the scene flashing a wave of red, white, and blue. Anger and hatred permeated the already tense atmosphere. The only thing stopping them from brutally murdering me were the guards that were endowed with an abundance of arms. Maybe in the naivety of my younger years I would have thought that the mob would attempt something but now I know better. These people are only exerting patriotic facets for their own self-serving needs.
As my reflection stared back at me through the guard’s pistol , I remembered why I was here. If I am going to leave this world, so be it. There is no hope for it now nor will there ever be. There was an abrupt halt, the same my heart would receive in a few minutes. The guard whose chest practically shone from his medals got out his pistol and loaded it. I forced my eyes shut. If only I could have another chance. It wouldn’t turn out like this. If only I could…
I opened my eyes , it seems I haven’t ascended to death just yet. Staring at me was a piano black car that exerted radiance. No it was more than that , it was the former president’s car.
The shining metal guard raised his pistol. “Who dares to imitate the president’s transportation? I am Major Custer , I demand to know the name of the terrorist responsible for this.”
A white poster fluttered in the air , its thrower was a man in a white mask and entirely white outfit that matched his thin figure. He stood on the former president’s transport with a confident posture. Lesser men would be frightened of facing 10 guards armed to the brim with guns.
Masked Man- “I am Infinity.”
Custer – “Very well then Infinity , lets end this rude intrusion. But before I kill you , take off your mask.”
Infinity reached out to the brim of his mask as if to pull it off then tapped his foot once. The sound echoed ominously. Custer appeared unfazed until he saw what the sound had brought. Custer’s cool and confidence was quickly replaced by anger and uncertainty. It seems to be an explosive but whatever it is , it must be important.
Infinity – “Now then , do you really want to shoot?” “What do you think would happen if you missed?”
Custer –“ Damn you terrorists. What are your demands?”
Custer whispered into his communication device. “all guards go to Q1”.
Infinity-“ What I want is the man standing right next to you. Nothing more , nothing less.”
Custer –“This man is charged with high treason against his country. The killer of our president is not someone we will ever hand over.”
Infinity-“Custer , with that you are mistaken. The man who killed the president was not the man standing next to you but myself”
Infinity waved his hands in unison with his words. It seems this guy has a flair for dramatics. It’s even reached his audience of patriots in the background. “Kill the damn terrorist” and “Death to infinity” were the shouts of the already agitated crowd.
Custer raised his pistol and aimed for infinity’s head. “For crimes against this country , you shall die. Any last words?”
Infinity- “Careful , you wouldn't want the public to know about Project Blue would you?”
The already pale face of Custer went white at the words “Project Blue”
Custer – “Fine, release the prisoner.”
One of the guards went to undo the chains that bound my hands but stopped .
Custer- “Did you not hear what I said?” “That was an order!”
The guard looked at Custer’s eyes then nodded. I was finally released from deaths clutch and was walked towards Infinity. Infinity jumped down and walked towards me.
Infinity – “Well then , farewell my dear Custer.”
A button press and an explosion accompanied those words. The previously furious crowd immediately turned fearful at the immediate threat on their lives. They scattered at the sound of the explosion like the cowards they are. Custer went prone and tried to fire a few pot shots at Infinity.
I gasped in pain. One bullet hit me in the shoulder. Infinity had disappeared. I was alone in this. The sound of motorcycles graced my presence. My blood continued it flow from the shoulder wound. So this was it then. If I didn't die from blood loss the military reinforcements would get me. I could almost feel deaths grasp pulling my arm.
I tripped over a rock and grazed my knee. A hand reached to me and my hand met its grasp. Its owner was a woman on a motorcycle. So she is my savior after all. I got on the motorcycle and said a solemn goodbye to the chaotic scenery behind me. This was the end , the end of my life as I knew it and the start of something new.
I guess this is the end. I lived my life like the rest. Where did I go wrong? If I am going to die here, is it my fault? My life is meaningless then, just one of the millions who passed through the same system.
A hand grabbed the bag on my head and allowed my eyes to see the light of this world once more, my last time. A flock of people arrived at the scene flashing a wave of red, white, and blue. Anger and hatred permeated the already tense atmosphere. The only thing stopping them from brutally murdering me were the guards that were endowed with an abundance of arms. Maybe in the naivety of my younger years I would have thought that the mob would attempt something but now I know better. These people are only exerting patriotic facets for their own self-serving needs.
As my reflection stared back at me through the guard’s pistol , I remembered why I was here. If I am going to leave this world, so be it. There is no hope for it now nor will there ever be. There was an abrupt halt, the same my heart would receive in a few minutes. The guard whose chest practically shone from his medals got out his pistol and loaded it. I forced my eyes shut. If only I could have another chance. It wouldn’t turn out like this. If only I could…
I opened my eyes , it seems I haven’t ascended to death just yet. Staring at me was a piano black car that exerted radiance. No it was more than that , it was the former president’s car.
The shining metal guard raised his pistol. “Who dares to imitate the president’s transportation? I am Major Custer , I demand to know the name of the terrorist responsible for this.”
A white poster fluttered in the air , its thrower was a man in a white mask and entirely white outfit that matched his thin figure. He stood on the former president’s transport with a confident posture. Lesser men would be frightened of facing 10 guards armed to the brim with guns.
Masked Man- “I am Infinity.”
Custer – “Very well then Infinity , lets end this rude intrusion. But before I kill you , take off your mask.”
Infinity reached out to the brim of his mask as if to pull it off then tapped his foot once. The sound echoed ominously. Custer appeared unfazed until he saw what the sound had brought. Custer’s cool and confidence was quickly replaced by anger and uncertainty. It seems to be an explosive but whatever it is , it must be important.
Infinity – “Now then , do you really want to shoot?” “What do you think would happen if you missed?”
Custer –“ Damn you terrorists. What are your demands?”
Custer whispered into his communication device. “all guards go to Q1”.
Infinity-“ What I want is the man standing right next to you. Nothing more , nothing less.”
Custer –“This man is charged with high treason against his country. The killer of our president is not someone we will ever hand over.”
Infinity-“Custer , with that you are mistaken. The man who killed the president was not the man standing next to you but myself”
Infinity waved his hands in unison with his words. It seems this guy has a flair for dramatics. It’s even reached his audience of patriots in the background. “Kill the damn terrorist” and “Death to infinity” were the shouts of the already agitated crowd.
Custer raised his pistol and aimed for infinity’s head. “For crimes against this country , you shall die. Any last words?”
Infinity- “Careful , you wouldn't want the public to know about Project Blue would you?”
The already pale face of Custer went white at the words “Project Blue”
Custer – “Fine, release the prisoner.”
One of the guards went to undo the chains that bound my hands but stopped .
Custer- “Did you not hear what I said?” “That was an order!”
The guard looked at Custer’s eyes then nodded. I was finally released from deaths clutch and was walked towards Infinity. Infinity jumped down and walked towards me.
Infinity – “Well then , farewell my dear Custer.”
A button press and an explosion accompanied those words. The previously furious crowd immediately turned fearful at the immediate threat on their lives. They scattered at the sound of the explosion like the cowards they are. Custer went prone and tried to fire a few pot shots at Infinity.
I gasped in pain. One bullet hit me in the shoulder. Infinity had disappeared. I was alone in this. The sound of motorcycles graced my presence. My blood continued it flow from the shoulder wound. So this was it then. If I didn't die from blood loss the military reinforcements would get me. I could almost feel deaths grasp pulling my arm.
I tripped over a rock and grazed my knee. A hand reached to me and my hand met its grasp. Its owner was a woman on a motorcycle. So she is my savior after all. I got on the motorcycle and said a solemn goodbye to the chaotic scenery behind me. This was the end , the end of my life as I knew it and the start of something new.