Lemma Soft Forums

Alright, recently I've been experimenting with writing something similar to the game To the Moon - where basically, two people hop into the past to view another person's memories, and the writing alternates between the characters IN the memory and the characters VIEWING it - which actually sounds really hard to convert into written form without breaking immersion.

I made a little attempt at something similar (sample below) - where what I did was to switch between normal lines and italics as well as a pov switch - but I'd like some critique on whether or not it works, and what I can do to improve it (general writing tips would be great too!).

Thanks

Sandwiched among the crowd was a completely unremarkable young man. Barely past his teens, he had completely unremarkable black hair, wore completely unremarkable dark clothes, and stood in completely unremarkable silence. He had a thumb in each trouser pocket, his right foot was tapping itself subconsciously to each second, and he had long given up trying to look over the rest of the crowd.

The weather was starting to get cold again. The young man pulled up his red scarf to cover his nose. Perhaps it was not worth it coming this far, after all, he thought. He did not like going outdoors when it was this cold, especially not to crowded places where men and women in snow-laden woollen coats kept bumping into him.

~~~

Within the crowd stood two children whose faces could not be seen. A girl was gripping my left hand tightly with her right, and neither of us spoke. In contrast with the rowdy public, I felt terribly alone.

I pointed to the black-haired young man.

“Is that me?” I asked.

She gave me a nod. I stared at the young man who was supposed to be me. He was average in every way – the kind of person who would never stand out in a crowd. Typical in every way, except for my cause of death.

And this was three hours before I died…

“Are these my memories?” I asked.

“Mostly yours, yes. But mixed with those of the others around you too, of course. I need you to see yourself from third-person, after all, so that it doesn’t hurt you too much. You’re too fragile right now,” she adds, “to actually experience those memories and feelings fully in your own body.”

“But I want to know what I felt.”

“Do you really?” she questioned.

I sighed. “I guess not. I won’t want to feel that ever again… that kind of fear.”

With that, I continued watching.

~~~

Just when he was about to turn back, a young child tugged at his coattails.

“Mister,” she said, “I want to see the princess. Can I?”

Her cheeks were rosy, and her parents were nowhere in sight. The young man was surprised by how daring this little child was. Did she give her parents parents the slip to edge closer to the front of the crowd? Certainly, her parents must be worried. He bent his knees until he was level with the child’s head, and gave her a sad smile. “I would love to see the Prince and Princess too, Miss, but Mister isn’t tall enough to see them.”

“Oh,” the child said, puffing up her chubby little cheeks.

The black-haired young man stood up, and put a hand to his head, considering his height. He was of average height, but the burly men in front of him blocked his view completely. He looked down at the girl again, who was glancing from side to side and absent-mindedly pushing her toes into the dirt.

That was easily readable for me. I also liked your overall writing style and I think you gave enough descriptive language, which was very well done, about the character without writing too much. The only criticism I can come up with, if I'm really picky, is that maybe the scarf should be a different color other than red. Red kind of stands out. Maybe it could be a faded dark red color or something else more "unremarkable".

True, thank you! I wonder if the backwards-and-forwards switching between italics and non-italics would break immersion, though. I feel like my writing has been very awkward lately.

I think the line break and italics are enough to signal to the reader that we're having some kind of time change, and you do a pretty good job in the italics section of bringing us up to speed with what, exactly, that change is. That said, I think the transition could be a little smoother.

Within the crowd stood two children whose faces could not be seen.

This line is a little jarring, and the use of passive voice makes it hard to grasp exactly what's going on. Who are the children, and who is doing the seeing? If you started the section with

“Is that me?” I asked, pointing to the black-haired young man.

we immediately know black-haired kid is somehow looking at himself, signaling both the time and perspective shift. Going on from there, you can continue to develop the how and why, but the reader starts off on a solid footing.

Depending on how frequently you switch back and forth, this kind of shift could be a little jarring, but if you're careful to make sure the reader knows what's going on during the swap, it could develop a nice rhythm, too. From the sample you posted, it looks like you'll be going back and forth between (right before something bad happens) and (reliving that bad thing, already knowing what happened), which could make for some really interesting tension.

Also, I think the idea of re-creating a memory landscape from the memories of a lot of different people is really interesting, but I think the line

I need you to see yourself from third-person, after all, so that it doesn’t hurt you too much.

feels clunky and over-explainy; your writing is strong enough that I think you can trust the reader to "get it" if you go from "these are other peoples' memories" to "but I want to feel my OWN memories." Saying "third-person" draws more (immersion-breaking) attention to the perspective shift between the two sections than the shift itself, at least for me.

All that said, I think you probably feel like it's a lot more awkward than it is. Keep at it, and you'll find that rhythm. You've got a cool idea here!

Thanks an amazing bunch for the critique! I think I'll leave the first one as it is, because it's the first time the two appear and I thought it'll give a slightly surreal feeling by introducing them as "two faceless children", but you bring up a very very good point regarding the second one. I've removed that line - it does seem very Captain Obvious, heh. I really appreciate the comments!

You're very welcome

The image of two faceless children is really cool (and it sets up the creepiness of these two unseen people in a crowd, watching from outside of time). I think what strikes me as off about that sentence is that it's in a 3rd person omniscient, whereas everything else in that section is from a first person POV. The POV character wouldn't be able to see himself/the girl, so when paired with the next sentence, it almost sounds like the MC and the girl are looking at 2 other children. Especially since the un-italicized parts are in a close 3rd person and the italicized parts are otherwise in 1st person, that one abstract, observational line stands out.

That said, you're right - it would be pretty hard to keep the particular creepiness of that image without doing it that way. You could definitely play up the surreal quality of being in a crowded place full of people that (presumably) can't see or interact with you, but the faces are hard from 1st person. Normally I'd say make the exposition a little bit longer (describe the two faceless children, the crowd, etc. before sliding into the MC's head) to make the choice feel more intentional, but since you're already doing a big transition, that might just make it confusing. Not sure!

Anyway, just thinking out loud. Maybe some food for thought!

Coren wrote:True, thank you! I wonder if the backwards-and-forwards switching between italics and non-italics would break immersion, though. I feel like my writing has been very awkward lately.

I think if you make the image fade in and fade out every time you switch viewpoints, or use some other ques then it should be obvious enough that when your switching viewpoints. Maybe you could make their view of their environment look different. Have you ever seen the 'lord of the ring' movies? Whenever Frodo put on the ring and became invisible, everything around him looked differently and lost it's color. Maybe you could alter their viewpoint in a similar, but less drastic way, to help the reader understand what's going on.