Programming Service for Writing Critique

[thatsfunny]

My name is Tae, and I am a professional programmer who likes to write stories on the side. I have years of programming experience, but I am new to Ren'Py. To get some practice, I offer my services in exchange for feedback on my story found here. It's Sci-Fi Fantasy and was originally a screenplay for television but decided to turn it into a game instead. I wrote it with Final Draft and exporting it messed with the formatting and such so ignore those.

What I Offer:
Will do any type of game and create anything.
Be aware that I am very busy so time of delivery is not guarantee but it will be delivered.
I will not work on the whole game so modules or mini-games are preferred but don't be afraid to ask for more complicated things.

What I Want from the Critique:
Want your honest opinion on whether you liked it or not and why? I know my writing sucks so it's OK to be brutal.
Did you understand the story easily or did you have to reread it a few time?
Any suggestions (such as name changes, plot directions, etc.) are welcome.

Ask me what you want and when you want it. When it's ready to be delivered, give me your critique and I'll send you the stuff. Critiques for free are greatly appreciated.