Critique my writing- opening scene

[jdhthegr8]

Hey guys, first post here. I'm very slowly working on a project. Most of my time has been spent just outlining but I have started writing the first few scenes of what is planned to be actual script. I consider myself to be a decent writer overall but it's the first time I've ever done creative writing so I need some input from people who have an interest in VNs and reading in general. One bad habit I've noticed is a tendency to repeat words- it hopefully won't be too evident here as I've looked through the wording multiple times just for this but it's something I'll have to pay attention to.

The VN is a military drama set in a fantasy world with WW2 and Cold War-era themes. This particular scene is an in medias res opening so even though I'm throwing some terminology and character names out of the blue they will be properly introduced afterwards.

The opening scene is approximately 1700 words long and 3 pages of reading in the Word Document I'm writing it in. I'm just going to paste the text below if that's okay but if mods prefer I add it as a file or Google Docs link I can edit accordingly. Let me know what you think as well as any room for improvement!

___

OPENING: A cool breeze rolls across the plains. From the distance, fields of wheat wave in response.
The Summer heat is giving way to Autumn. Soon the harvest will be ready.
In short time these fields will be host to all manner of machinery; Tractors. Combines. Harvesters. All working to serve the people of the city of Karlsgrad, and to all the people of Zakhyavia beyond.
Just short of the horizon, past an imaginary line drawn on a map, lay fields of wheat whose harvests are destined for elsewhere, to the various towns and cities of another state.
There are machines among the fields of Karlsgrad today, but they aren’t there to harvest.
Regardless, the wind gently blows.
Its low whistle reverberates across the whole region.
The wind blows. The wheat waves. And the jet-black hair of a girl rustles
She watches through a pair of binoculars in silence, looking in the direction of that imaginary line.

…nothing. No activity at all, other than the usual patrol

By every indication it is a normal day for the citizens of the Gustav Federation, and for the battalion of troops which are assigned to watch its border.
The girl continues to watch the small platoon in the distance.
She counts 24, both men and women divided into smaller squads which roam in the distance. Even though the binocs it is hard to distinguish all of their features.
Their rifles hang loosely at the slings.

And that there…. What weapons are those?
Are those light machine guns or anti-tank rifles?
There are 3 in the platoon, probably one to each squad.
I can’t tell…

The girl curses her tool’s low magnification. She can’t stray any further from her position to get a closer look. Pulling the binoculars away and letting them hang around her neck, she ponders.

If each of those are AT, and the Langbogen rifle can typically be deployed in about ten seconds…. Then three rifles against… at that distance… top speed of 55 kilometers an hour… factor in the element of surprise…

The risk in this particular situation is low, but she still considers every possibility. Each of her comrades’ lives are precious.
Having seen all that could be of use, she turns around and slinks back among the wheat. For just a second the Oak leaf insignia pinned to the neck of her uniform glints against the high sun. She looks at a watch on her wrist. It’s time to prepare her troops
The girl walks deep into the massive field. The tall, thick wheat blocks out the sun and makes it impossible to see more than two meters at most.
Then she bumps into a uniformed young man.
“L-Laika!”, he yelps out
She shushes him
“Not so loud, Tu’Wan! You knew I was coming back.”
“Well yeah, you just caught me by sur-“
“It’s almost time. Let’s go”
“We’re really doing this?”
“So it seems. Time to make your people proud, warrior.”
Tu’Wan can’t tell whether his captain’s last remark was sarcastic or not. Then again, neither does she know herself. He walks alongside her…
…to the vehicle they both serve in.
The tank is small compared to the average Gustavian equivalent, and its main cannon is weaker. But the speed is unmatched, and its shorter profile allows it to be completely obscured by the wheat.
Those particular qualities make it perfect for this operation. One that has been years in the making. One that will make history.

The Captain’s orders are quietly relayed to the commanders of each tank. All of “Grizzly Company”, 15 tanks in all with their crews, are hidden spread across two of these wheat fields. One by one, said crews slip back into their assigned vehicles.
Tu’Wan enters ahead of the girl, lifting himself up on a handgrip built into the armor. He drops into the open hatch on top. The driver and loader are already inside. The young man entering has a tight squeeze past them and the cannon’s breech which juts well into the tank’s interior before he can take a seat at the gunner’s chair. Which just leaves…
Captain Laika Sansara, commander of the lead tank in the Company. After slipping into the tank and harnessing herself into her station she checks her watch.

Two minutes left.
Her heart is pounding, but she dares not show it to her men. The fear she feels is not only for their well-being, but for the significance of what they are about to do.
There’s no going back from this.
She has no regrets at the thought of liberating the Gustavian people from their oppressors, but she still hopes that this will be over as quick and with as little bloodshed as possible. If all the troops on the other side just surrendered without a shot fired that would be fine with her. But there’s only one way to find out how the people across that imaginary line will react…

She puts on her headset and speaks into it:
“Grizzly Company, engines on”
With a click the tank roars to life along with the others. The engines of an entire armored company echo across the plain.
“Alright guys, remember the plan. M Particles haven’t been spread yet so we’ll still be able to talk for a little while but be ready for that to change at any moment. Once we have a good blanket they’ll tie up the AA a bit, but the flyboys still need us to deal with that equipment personally. And it has to be quick, within 10 minutes of start time. If radio contact is lost in that time stick to the command tank. If YOU get lost, then go to the rendezvous coordinates so I can grill you for it later. Does every crew understand that?”
One by one, the commander of each tank answered in the affirmative
“Excellent. Let’s do Zakhyavia proud, Grizzlies! We roll out on my signal”

They can’t wait much longer. There’s no way this much noise hasn’t tipped off the enemy.
Laika opens a pouch on her belt and pulls out a small cylinder.
Retrieving a blank mortar shell from her loader, she slides the flare into a slot on its tip and loads it into a tube near her head.
Everything is ready.
“Dial me to the Ursus command tank”
Her loader adjusts the dials of the radio set and gives her a thumbs up. She speaks.
“Ursus Command, this is Captain Sansara”
“I hear you just fine, Ursus Command!” comes the reply. The upwards inflection of the Lieutenant Colonel’s response shows no small trace of cockiness.
“Lt. Col. Solokov, Grizzly Company is ready to go on your order.”
“I’ll let you have the honor of opening the battle. My watch says it’s 12:07, so make sure yours is synced. This operation is a go as of now. Good hunting.”
“To you as well, Alexei. Over.”

Laika pulls a lever, and with a bang the flare shoots out the top of the turret.
Its red light, soaring high into the sky, is Grizzly Company’s signal. In a matter of seconds the wheat fields are smashed into the earth behind them.

The Captain looks through her view port. At this speed, her vision is shaky but she can tell the men and women in the enemy platoon are scrambling to assume safe firing positions. She reaches over to the machine gun nestled by her, aims in their general direction, and pulls the trigger.
The gun’s thunderous report reverberates through the whole cabin.
While moving this fast nothing more than luck would make the gun hit any specific target, but she isn’t aiming for anything. The couple Gustavian troops still running about hit the dirt at the sound of bullets cracking by them.

It’s taking too long for us to reach them… they’re going to fire on us at any moment!

But luck was on the side of the Grizzlies. The one squad actually equipped with an anti-tank weapon was immobilized by the machine gun fire now coming from multiple armored vehicles. Then a round met its mark. Laika’s tank, leading the charge, is just close enough for her to see the Gustavian Sergeant’s neck burst open from a .50 caliber round. His prone figure goes limp as blood sprays out, soaking the earth. Even as much as training has hardened her, Laika still can’t help but wince at the sight of a real death in battle. The other members of the squad throw their weapons down and their hands up, and with them go the whole platoon as well. One tank, selected in advance for this duty, comes to a stop to watch over the new prisoners until the rest of Ursus Battalion catches up to relieve them. Grizzly Company, however, speeds on.
Things are going well for Laika. Not one casualty on her side, and a platoon is already taken care of. Now to get to that AA…

Up ahead she sees something. The first real defensive line Gustav has made. Its fortifications are simple, but fortifications nonetheless. And the troops in it have had an extra minute to prepare.
“Load High Explosive.”
The loader dutifully pulls open the cannon’s breech, then turns around and grabs a shell marked “H.E” from the compartment behind him. In one quick motion he slides the 20 kilogram round into the breech, then closes it and locks the breech shut.
“Up!”, the loader shouts. The main cannon is loaded and ready to fire.
Just four seconds. I’ll take that over an auto-loader any damn day.
“Driver, stop. Ready, Tu’Wan?”
Laika looks down at her gunner. In spite of all his prior complaints about not being a commander he’s got a wide smile on his face right now.
“More than ever!”, he yells
“The bunker at 11 ‘o clock high”
The Captain increases the magnification on her viewfinder. The two soldiers in it are scanning a nearby street with a Langbogen anti-tank rifle; deadly to her and her crew. But they haven’t spotted her yet.
For only a second she stares. A young man and woman. People with families, perhaps their own lovers. Probably perfectly fine folk who just happened to be born on the wrong side of the line.
The girl in the bunker is aiming the rifle at an adjacent street.
The man looks directly at Laika’s tank. Through her view port she sees him shout something.
But it’s too late for either of them.
“…FIRE!”
[explosion sfx][cut to black with title]

FRACTURED SPIRITS
ACT 1: The Restless Youth

[Corban]

I'm still fairly new here, but it doesn't seem like this would be the best place for critiquing pages of writing. There's this website I used called writing.com where I would post some short stories and ask the community to critique my works. It's a great site and you can often find people who know their stuff take a look and provide input.
Of course, that's only for novel writing. Script writing is something completely different. But you could still use the site to evaluate your storytelling ability before you transcribe it to a VN script.
I've looked through your opening anyways, and I'm going to critique it as a novel (because I'm not confident in correcting sentence structure to fit a VN script), specifically grammar and what could sound/flow better.
I use arrows to indicate a change to something.

• "...machinery; Tractors." --> "...machinery: tractors." OR "...machinery. Tractors."
• Maybe rephrase "past an imaginary line drawn on a map". I get what you mean, but I think it could be phrased better. Maybe something like looking at an invisible line in accordance with the map boundary?
° Right afterwards, you use the idea of wheat fields in the distance, which is a problem because you've already established the same idea in the beginning, making it redundant. I would rephrase it or combine the two ideas.
• "but they aren't there to harvest." I love that line.
• "...nothing." the N should be capital since it is still the start of the sentence.
• I'm sure "binocs" is some in-world lingo, but it sounds awkward to me, especially since it isn't used again.
• Since this story is told from the the perspective of Laika, I would add something like "It seems" in front of "Tu’Wan can’t tell whether his captain’s last remark was sarcastic or not." Otherwise it almost sounds like we're switching to his perspective.
• "He walks alongside her…/…to the vehicle they both serve in." isn't a dramatic reveal, so I would remove the ellipsis.
• When talking about Laika's pounding heart, change "it". She can't show the men her pounding heart, so say something along the lines of "she can't reveal her anxiety"
• "...people across that imaginary line..." --> "soldiers across the field..." Personally, simply for diversity's sake
• I love the term "flyboys"
• You put "YOU" in all caps, but I think most people associate that with shouting or anger. If you want to emphasize it, I would use italics.
• "There’s no way this much noise hasn’t tipped off the enemy." but earlier Laika said "...we’ll still be able to talk for a little while...", so there's a contradiction in the urgency. I would change "...for a little while..." --> "for a minute or two..."
• "'I hear you just fine, Ursus Command!'" if Laika just contacted Ursus Command, they shouldn't address her as "Ursus Command" right? She should be addressed by her rank or squad nickname.
° Now that I think about it, if Laika is in control of the entire Grizzly Company, she would be the one in the Command Tank. If she had to make a call to her superior, it would be probably be directed to a camp or HQ away from the Company, otherwise, if there is a superior above her within the Company, it would make more sense for that superior to be giving out the orders instead of Laika.
• "But luck was on the side of the Grizzlies." in this paragraph, you accidentally switch from present tense to past tense.
° Immediately after that sentence, I would specify that it's the enemy squad you're talking about.
• "I’ll take that over an auto-loader any damn day." I won't claim to know how the tanks function, but I'd imagine that an auto-loader would be quicker than manually loading rounds, especially if the rounds are in a magazine type storage attached to the cannon. If it was something like two seconds, I'd be inclined to agree, especially if the loader did it "in one fluid motion".
• "...are scanning a nearby street..." this line threw me off because I wasn't aware they were close to settlements. I would go back and brief description of the street location before they reach the fortification.

Overall, I really like it! I have a story brewing in my head about a war set in a medieval steampunk era, so I may be a little partial to yours lol.
One major note I'll make, because you want to make this a VISUAL novel, much of the visual description is already being taken care of by the art in the game; I would suggest emphasizing the other senses in your description: hearing, smell, touch, and even taste...I can definitely picture this scene, but I can't really become more immersed than that with only visual descriptions.

Sorry for the long critique, but definitely check out the website I mentioned! Good luck on your visual novel!

[jdhthegr8]

Thanks for reading it over and providing your comments! That does look like a good site to get more input from so I'll definitely sign up for that. To respond to what you said point-by-point:

• "...machinery; Tractors." --> "...machinery: tractors." OR "...machinery. Tractors."
That particular line DID come to my attention while I was editing it more than once regarding how it flowed. The writing style of many VNs I've seen would probably separate the list from the initial sentence by a period, just making it a new one, so I'll probably change it to that.

•Maybe rephrase "past an imaginary line drawn on a map". I get what you mean, but I think it could be phrased better. Maybe something like looking at an invisible line in accordance with the map boundary?
One other person I shared this with suggested that and I initially considered it not to be worth changing, but I'll probably reconsider that

•Right afterwards, you use the idea of wheat fields in the distance, which is a problem because you've already established the same idea in the beginning, making it redundant. I would rephrase it or combine the two ideas.
Rereading this opening paragraph, I realized that I was literally referring to the wrong "field" starting off! I need to remove "From the distance," from the first sentence because at that opening line I'm referring to the Zakhyavian fields that the soldiers are hiding in, not the Gustavian ones that are "across the line". Then, when referring to those wheat fields "in the distance", I will clarify my wording to make it clear that they are OTHER ones than previously mentioned. And perhaps use something synonymous like "other plots of grain" just so I can stop using the words wheat and field so much in one paragraph, lol

• I'm sure "binocs" is some in-world lingo, but it sounds awkward to me, especially since it isn't used again.
It was supposed to be kinda, sorta slang. I've heard the word binoculars shortened to that IRL, but if that doesn't work I could use "optics" as a shortened term instead

•Since this story is told from the the perspective of Laika, I would add something like "It seems" in front of "Tu’Wan can’t tell whether his captain’s last remark was sarcastic or not." Otherwise it almost sounds like we're switching to his perspective.
The opening is technically omniscient third person, which is a big reason why there isn't any script-formatted dialogue. Perspectives will switch a lot throughout the story between characters which will be its own challenge to handle properly. That said there's nothing that says we absolutely have to read his mind right now so I could consider making that change for consistency since most of this scene does present itself following her

• "He walks alongside her…/…to the vehicle they both serve in." isn't a dramatic reveal, so I would remove the ellipsis.
My fault for not making it clear in what I posted, but the second part of that is where a CG of the tank in the field would be presented.

• When talking about Laika's pounding heart, change "it". She can't show the men her pounding heart, so say something along the lines of "she can't reveal her anxiety"
Good catch, that phrasing was a bit too literal there

• You put "YOU" in all caps, but I think most people associate that with shouting or anger. If you want to emphasize it, I would use italics.
That's one habit of mine, to emphasize with caps. One that I do too much! Italics would be better, yeah

•"There’s no way this much noise hasn’t tipped off the enemy." but earlier Laika said "...we’ll still be able to talk for a little while...", so there's a contradiction in the urgency. I would change "...for a little while..." --> "for a minute or two..."
Another thing I should have explained; Essentially the "M Particles" are an in-universe technological discovery that block out radio transmissions among other things, so the "little while" that they can talk is over the radio, after the battle has started. I'll have to find a good way to make that more clear without info-dumping right there

• "'I hear you just fine, Ursus Command!'" if Laika just contacted Ursus Command, they shouldn't address her as "Ursus Command" right? She should be addressed by her rank or squad nickname.
This has to do with how radio communications are made. I was a pilot for a little while so I know how it works but I understand how it could be a source of confusion when read. When making a call to a tower/ground/other contact you would initiate by saying their name, and when they respond affirming they are aware of your transmission they should include their name in the response; that way if part of the transmission cuts out or someone dials into the frequency halfway through what they're saying they could at least know who said the last thing in the conversation. I can probably add something small to the sentence to make it clear that the inclusion of his own title in response was intentional.

•Now that I think about it, if Laika is in control of the entire Grizzly Company, she would be the one in the Command Tank. If she had to make a call to her superior, it would be probably be directed to a camp or HQ away from the Company, otherwise, if there is a superior above her within the Company, it would make more sense for that superior to be giving out the orders instead of Laika.
Her company is one out of three in Ursus Battalion. She's dialing her superior's tank, the command tank of the Battalion. Laika's tank is in fact the command tank of Grizzly Company, and she's in charge of it. In this case the orders have already been distributed and followed: She's just awaiting for his "go" on it. They could have alternatively just gone ahead at the time as part of their plan, but I wanted to have the Lt. Col pop up just briefly in the intro via radio as he will be a major part of later plot developments.

• "But luck was on the side of the Grizzlies." in this paragraph, you accidentally switch from present tense to past tense.
° Immediately after that sentence, I would specify that it's the enemy squad you're talking about.
Both good catches

• "I’ll take that over an auto-loader any damn day." I won't claim to know how the tanks function, but I'd imagine that an auto-loader would be quicker than manually loading rounds, especially if the rounds are in a magazine type storage attached to the cannon. If it was something like two seconds, I'd be inclined to agree, especially if the loader did it "in one fluid motion".
Oooh, this is where we get to the manual loader vs auto-loader debate that so many tankies love LOL. Most of Zakhyavia's tanks have auto-loaders, but Laika will pull some strings to make sure the tanks in her Company do not. Auto-loaders are more persistent than a human being, but a skillfully-trained human can outpace them, especially in the first few shots. They typically take 5 to 6 seconds to load, which can be outpaced in opening shots. And real-world tank battles don't often last much longer than initial exchanges of fire, so her rationale is that this is the better way to go. No autoloader also necessitates having an extra crew member per tank; she doesn't get more men in exchange for her decision so it means she gets a couple spare tanks in reserve for using their crews as loaders on other vehicles. Plus the loader is one more person who could take over for another function of the tank in an emergency if someone in it were incapacitated. Both of which will be relevant in one or two later scenes!

• "...are scanning a nearby street..." this line threw me off because I wasn't aware they were close to settlements. I would go back and brief description of the street location before they reach the fortification.
That was something I should have done, yeah. My mental image was that just past the initial point of engagement was a small town which had the first real fortifications but I didn't make that clear enough

Also a really good point about the other senses. I have one character who will be particularly sensitive to smell, and so it will be a recurring presence when reading from her perspective. But the other senses overall are important to include regardless of the character. That alone will be worth looking back over the whole scene for.
Thanks a lot for your input! Hopefully my responses made sense

[Sadiesins]

You're new to creative writing, correct? I think it's seen in the voice of your writing most. It's not that you lack an ability to describe a scene, so much as, you don't have a voice that engages and entertains. You're far away. I read through your script so far, and what struck me most was 1) where you chose to start and 2) how detached the narrative feels from the action.

This is a really simple exercise you can try in any scene to help you get a more engaging voice. Visualize what's happening in your story, and instead of starting in a field, start in the tank with Captain Laika Sansara. Instead of being a narrator watching from afar, be an observing voice in the Captain's head, possibly even her voice. She's strapped into an unyielding machine of heavy metal and sharp edges. Her flesh feels the bite of the straps that keep her slender limbs and body from crashing into the hard surfaces when the firing starts. Her uniform is stiff and stern (or functional?) ready to show she is a Captain and someone to be followed (or ready for battle, where she is a killer for her people/freedom/honor.)

Her heart races with anticipation. It's like a familiar presence now, the moment before battle. The anticipation. She tastes it in the sweat dripping down her face. The tank is both her weapon and her coffin. The heated metal capsule is her only protection from the battle to come. As sturdy as the tank looks, she saw the bodies of those crushed within the giant mechs. She recognized the tender, human flesh shredded and bloody within the burnt out, jagged metal.

Nothing more than tuna crushed in tin cans.

"Stop," she demands, her hand covering her communicator so the troops can't hear her jitters. The red pulp of her lost comrades flashes in her mind as she tries to control her breathing in the suffocating space. Will she be distinguishable from her tank when the bombs hit and she's buried in the soil of her land? Or will the next death be a kid like Tu’Wan? The soldiers were depending on her to keep it together, to not let the energy of panic building in her be allowed to force her actions and distract her from the task at hand.

Lives were in her hands...

Or something. The point is, try starting in action, or immediately before action. And try and put the reader in the body, in the moment, instead of floating on a breeze. Use body sensation instead of scenery sensation. When describing a breeze, have it be... the wheat tickling at her skin, itching, each flash of gold making her wonder if an enemy was hiding within the movement... Make every aspect of your narrative contribute to the emotion you're trying to convey.

There are some great books on writing that focus on how to create a more compelling narrative. if you get used to writing in a certain voice (I used to do a lot of spamming the forum like a silly person before I started creative writing,) you can miss all the interesting, different ways to portray a story. Try being in the character's body, seeing through their eyes, and finding a voice. It doesn't have to be first person to get you that same dynamic feel.

[jdhthegr8]

Thanks for your response! This is indeed my first notable piece of creative writing. A certain amount of distance in the opening scene is intentional, as this narrative "voice" will mainly be used in transitions and one or two scenes of larger-scale exposition (though I'm not trying to use it as an excuse to "info-dump" either). Sort of like you were watching a scene from a documentary about her exploits. This, however, is not indicative of the overwhelming majority of the writing style I plan to have in the game (and for that reason perhaps I would have been better served by sharing another scene as an example). I am open to the idea of changing the opening directly to a first person perspective from Laika if that makes it more fun to read, because that is the whole point of this at the end of the day!

I had liked the idea of the immediate opening to this scene having a moment of quiet, which was the main thing I had in mind when writing up to the point she enters the tank, particularly with the "broad expository" narration of it in mind. That is by no means set in stone however and if I were to re-write this scene from a first-person perspective of her alone then I could definitely see your approach being gripping and getting the immediate attention of the reader. Even if I DID keep this opening in the "narrator" perspective though, I see how the overall level of detail and description could be increased and that's something I will want to do.

Here's another scene which is written from a character's first-person perspective. If you had time to compare the writing style of the opening with this passage from later on in the story I'm about to link it would be great, but either way what you've said so far helps:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zWd ... sp=sharing
A lot is contextually explained such that even though I haven't shared these characters you should understand what is necessary from what is described, but just a bit of background info for this scene worth mentioning is that Angelise (the perspective character of this scene) was raised in what was essentially a mansion by a wealthy elder relative. In that time she was of course greatly pampered and developed a "princess complex" accordingly. Karin was the daughter of her maid; they are 7 years of age apart and had very different class backgrounds and experiences. At 18, Ange left to spend 4 years training to become a "High Commander" of Gustav. At the time of this scene she is now 25 and has been a High Commander for 3 years.

So, when in character as Ange I want her to have a very prim and proper voice- she's had the "princess" mindset beaten out of her by the military but her high-class upbringing and private education make her speech patterns, mannerisms, and interests unique compared to other characters. Ange and Laika are 2 out of 4 "main characters" whose perspectives will dominate most of the script and I'm trying to make each one distinct in terms of their speaking styles, internal thoughts, and various personality quirks. Now that I think about it, what you're saying makes me want to re-write the opening scene from her perspective if only to compare how it would read versus the broader narrative with a quiet opening. I'll give it a shot!

[Sadiesins]

So, when in character as Ange I want her to have a very prim and proper voice- she's had the "princess" mindset beaten out of her by the military but her high-class upbringing and private education make her speech patterns, mannerisms, and interests unique compared to other characters. Ange and Laika are 2 out of 4 "main characters" whose perspectives will dominate most of the script and I'm trying to make each one distinct in terms of their speaking styles, internal thoughts, and various personality quirks. Now that I think about it, what you're saying makes me want to re-write the opening scene from her perspective if only to compare how it would read versus the broader narrative with a quiet opening. I'll give it a shot!

I would totally recommend it. A fresh perspective to a scene can really help with the voice of the piece, and, honestly, I wouldn't have even bothered to say anything if I hadn't found the intro kind of dull. I understand the intent of why you wanted to have a slow intro, but you can have an intro with little activity and still have it be dynamic and engaging.

I'm probably coming from a different perspective on this since I write for a living. If a novel or short story fails to start with action, character engagement, and/or a plot hook, I've wasted my time writing the rest of the book. If I can't ensure I hook my readers in that first scene, I have to fear not making a living. When you're competing with television and social media, snagging someone's attention and holding it is essential. I have no attention span anymore, and I have to assume my readers are the same way. ^^;

Your characters sound interesting, and you clearly have a voice for them in there. I bet if you push and play around a bit, you'll be able to flesh them out into something a little more engaging. I like to look at the elements of a scene as a device to reveal the characters. In the same way you might have light bulbs exploding to show magic in a modern world, or the ground crushing down with deep, muddy tracks to show a tank drove through, I like to ask 'how can the environment change or show this character's personality?' Would an argument reveal the character's dual nature? What about a scenario where a wounded animal is suddenly in front of her: how would she act to show her internal value system in contrast to her appearance? Can I have this scenario also drive the plot forward at the same time? That sort of thing.

Changing your perspective of the purpose of a scene can really open up different ways to approach a story too. It's fun stuff. It's like sweeping a paintbrush around to see what happens, but you're using words and perspectives as your paint.