Crysalis

[cappnpork]

Hi I am posting my first game! It was for a college project were we had to develop a game. The course originally had us use flash, but I opted to use Ren'py.
This is a Visual Novel game were you are trapped in a forest and have to escape!

please enjoy!
http://mypage.iu.edu/~gidking/game/home.html

This is the reedit!

[fleet]

I enjoyed the story. I thought it was original. Do you want constructive criticism?

[cappnpork]

please I know it is rough but feedback is appreciated and welcomed.

[Auro-Cyanide]

Congratulations on finishing the game I thought it was pretty good, and the four endings were quite distinctive.

As for feedback:

1. First thing you need to do is read through the script aloud. There are many sentences that either need a comma, a full stop or restructuring.
For example you had: 'I had to go they always treat me like a child'. It should be '(But) I had to go, they always treat me like a child' or '(But) I had to go. They always treat me like a child'

2. Next step would be to get someone, even a couple people, to proofread it. Sometimes it can be difficult to pick up your own mistakes, so having someone else point them out helps a lot. For example, you had 'here' instead of 'hear', 'great' instead of 'greet' and 'reading' instead of 'readying'. Also, you wrote hilt when I think you mean scabbard. The hilt of a sword is what you hold, the scabbard is what you keep it in.

3. While I didn't think your writing was too bad, I think it could be improved. The best way to do this is to put some personality into the character. You are painting the world from their point of view, put in some adjectives and truly describe how they see it. For an example, you wrote 'a lot of gold'. A better way to describe it would be for the character to say 'enough gold to...' and use a reference that helps show the reader who this character is. Most of this will come with practice. Next time you write, really try to put yourself in the position of the character. Feel what they would feel and imagine what they see. Then describe it.

4. I think you should name the characters. It was a bit weird to have 'you' and 'friend'. It is okay to have a character for the reader to step into.

5. Your artwork wasn't too bad, not to my taste, but functional. I quite liked the little emoticon bubbles, though real expressions would have been nice in some cases, especially the more serious moments.

Anyway, I think that is the major things I noticed. Congratulations on your first game and I hope you move on to make many more

[Nana]

Playing it now =]
congrats on completing your game

1. I like the mood bubbles he expresses, its a change from the usual
2. As cyanide said, I find some of the script hard to read, I'll need to read the same sentence 2 or 3 times before i get it. Also... the part where the friend arrives, i think you meant to write 'here' instead of 'her'.
3. I love the background art, it reminds me of a painting by a french artist... i forgot his name ^^" but i like it
4. In comparison, the crystal looks too rounded, in honesty i thought it looked more like a jelly mold. I would suggest looking up pictures of actual crystals and take note of their structure.

anyway, I liked the storyline, but wished it could have been longer and more elaborated
good job =]

[cappnpork]

Thnx for the feedback. Yeah the grammar is pretty bad. Next time I'll make sure to proof it. I wanted facial expressions but I ran out of time had to submit it for a grade.

[fleet]

Thnx for the feedback. Yeah the grammar is pretty bad. Next time I'll make sure to proof it. I wanted facial expressions but I ran out of time had to submit it for a grade.

May I politely re-emphasize something that Auro-Cyanide wrote?
". . .get someone, even a couple people, to proofread it."

My partner reads my stuff, and both of us missed an incorrectly spelled word in my current work in progress. The third person who read the story caught the error.

Very respectfully,
fleet

[KomiTsuku]

I could beat a dead horse about grammar and spelling, but that would be a waste of time. Instead, I took a few minutes and edited the script. It was a very quick check, so there may be one or two errors I missed. Also, I changed a bit of the narration scripting. Unless the character (You) is talking, it works better to keep it without a name at the top.

Art was good, it was what helped convince me pick up your story (I really should be working right now... ).

4. I think you should name the characters. It was a bit weird to have 'you' and 'friend'. It is okay to have a character for the reader to step into.

A little bit of backstory, a little bit of personality, and I think you might have the beginnings to a very solid story or series of short stories. It felt like there could be a lot of potential there.

Anyway, I should be getting back to work. Chief has things of his own that he needs to get editing. Just wanted to say congrats on the story, hope you use the edits, and I look forward to seeing more work in the future, maybe even a longer trip through this maze.

[cappnpork]

I really apperciate the proof reading. I cant say when I'll be able to rework the game. But Ill keep the revised script. To many finals!!

[KomiTsuku]

I really apperciate the proof reading. I cant say when I'll be able to rework the game. But Ill keep the revised script. To many finals!!

Glad to help.

[cappnpork]

Have added the script into game will reload with new site. Will give you credit for proofing. Thank u.

[Ellume]

A linux version would be appreciated.

[cappnpork]

That's the weird thing when i scripted the game and compiled it I told it to make a Linux version as well but i didn't i just assumed the mac version was the Linux version. Does anyone know what I did wrong?

[dott.Piergiorgio]

I'll DL now, but the 99% of the issues with Linux is that Linux is cAsE SEnsITivE..... in an a quarter-hour or so I'll be able to report what is the actual issue....

[dott.Piergiorgio]

Uhhh... actually seems to actually be in the other 1% of Linux issues:

Code: Select all

pigi@Lauria:~/dload/Crysalis-win32$ python Crysalis.py 
Found Ren'Py module version 6.10.1, while expecting 6.12.0.
Trying to run anyway, but you should expect errors.
Traceback (most recent call last):
  File "Crysalis.py", line 145, in <module>
    main()
  File "Crysalis.py", line 142, in main
    renpy.bootstrap.bootstrap(renpy_base)
  File "/home/pigi/dload/Crysalis-win32/renpy/bootstrap.py", line 262, in bootstrap
    renpy.import_all()
  File "/home/pigi/dload/Crysalis-win32/renpy/__init__.py", line 113, in import_all
    import renpy.display.render # Most display stuff depends on this.
ImportError: No module named render

I don't have an immediate explanation of this, tentatively must be something related to installed vs. compiled versions, but let's hear if Pytom has an opinion on this....

Best rregards from Italy,
dott. Piergiorgio.