Hired Gun

[Wright1000]

Hired Gun- A mystical story.

About the story: The story's protagonist is a young girl named Robinette Addyson. She is very lonely and always avoids people. It was her last day at school when she witnessed the murder of an international arms dealer. She did not know why the assassin spared her life though she was a witness. The assassin did not kill her but he has plans to kidnap her. What will happen to Robinette? Can she escape from this assassin? What does the assassin plan to do with her?

Robinette Addyson: Our young 18 year old protagonist.

Carrington Frank: A boy whom Robinette secretly loved.

Amy Isabel: Robinette's only friend. But Amy can visit Robinette only once or twice a month as they both live in different cities.

Black Thunder: A tough and ruthless assassin. 'Black Thunder' is his code name. He is a very skilled assassin and that is why his organization sends him on very hard missions.

... And many more characters.

Playtime: 35 to 40 minutes. (1 hour to get all endings.)

Violence: Yes (Extreme violence.)

Romance: Yes (But this is not a romance game, so don't expect much.)

Adult content: No (Nothing at all.)

Game engine: Ren'py.

Credits:
Writer: Robinson
Programming: Robinson
Character art: Many free resources
CGI artist: Heimi (Lolita_soft)
Music: Kevin Macleod

Thanks to: Morhighan (the first person to try drawing the CGI art but I did not use it because it was not good enough.)

Special thanks to: Heimi, for drawing and coloring the CGI art in a very short time. (I think less than ten days.)

You will find this game harder than my earlier games. So, here is a guide book.

Hired Gun guide book.txt

(1.08 KiB) Downloaded 368 times

Downloads:
Windows: http://www.2shared.com/file/Y80Qn0fd/Hi ... win32.html
Linux: http://www.2shared.com/file/00XKQwuQ/Hi ... 86tar.html
Mac: Unavailable for now. Tell me if someone needs a Mac version.

[fleet]

Sending you a PM with my comments.
very respectfully,
fleet

[HigurashiKira]

(Warning: the following is my critique, it may be considered harsh by the community's standards, I do not seek to offend.)

Ok, I'm gonna be brutally honest right now since I feel you have enough experience doing visual novels; the story premise was interesting. Hell, that's why I played it. My biggest problem with the whole thing is that the narrative and characters have dull dialouge. They all speak in a robotic tone (As in, they don't use "don't" they use "do not" and instead if "I'll" they use "I will") and it gets tiresome that you state the obvious ("But I am hungry. So I will have to eat them.") The pacing is also terrible; this was worse in the beginning where you try to tell the story whilst trying to fill us in on your character.

In short, I feel as if this was hastily thrown together with little thought into it. As a visual novel, it is good, but it lacks the "soul" that a lot of games here have. It's almost like a machine created this game, not a human being.

[Wright1000]

In short, I feel as if this was hastily thrown together with little thought into it. As a visual novel, it is good, but it lacks the "soul" that a lot of games here have. It's almost like a machine created this game, not a human being.

That's my style of writing. And one more thing. If a machine created this game, there would have been no romance in the game. Because a machine does not know what "love" is.

I would also like to tell you that I spent more than one month in this game. It was not hastily thrown together.

The plot is 100% original and even if there was no proofreader, there are no grammar or spelling mistakes.

[Auro-Cyanide]

HigurashiKira is referring to the importance of contractions (I am> I'm, It is> It's, We have>We've) in writing to mimic speech and informality. English speakers almost always use contractions in everyday dialogue and so we associate it with 'humanity'. A lack of contractions comes across as very mechanical and is often read as being cold, scary, aggressive and unnatural. There are quite a few english resources and such on the internet that can tell you more. There is a general consensus that you should use them as much as possible in creative writing unless you are trying to make the character come across as cold and formal.

[manga_otaku]

I must say that even though I am only just a bit through the VN, I agree. I feel distracted due to the lack of the human feel to the characters. The writing is robotic and I believe that English is not your first language (?) so you write how you were taught. Yet, slight differences such as the abbreviations of the words "I am" to "I'm" helps with inserting a feel of life and gives a better flow to the story.

and it gets tiresome that you state the obvious ("But I am hungry. So I will have to eat them.") The pacing is also terrible; this was worse in the beginning where you try to tell the story whilst trying to fill us in on your character.

I'm afraid I have to agree with this too. Your pacing is slightly irritating in a way, even if it is your way of writing. In all of your VNs the pace and the way that you state the obvious is all very simple. My teacher always told me to "show not tell". Perhaps instead of saying "But I am hungry. So I will have to eat them." you could put something like "Hunger is something I can never resist. The sight of the food tempts me but what else can I do? Besides if they wanted to kill me they would have done it already." Yes it is longer, but it doesn't state the obvious (well that's what I think, but like you said, this is my style of writing).

Because a machine does not know what "love" is.

Well, though they might not know what love is it is possible to be programmed with specifics on what love is determined to be. And I must say, even though it's harsh, if a robot wrote romance then it would give a resemblance to how you write.

[Sapphi]

That's my style of writing. And one more thing. If a machine created this game, there would have been no romance in the game. Because a machine does not know what "love" is.

I think the "robotic" feeling everybody is talking about stems from the fact that your style of writing seems like you're writing for an English textbook. It's technically correct, but it's very formal. If you aren't a native English speaker, maybe you could write in your native language and have someone translate for you?

[MaiMai]

So I'm playing your game right now and I applaud you for being able to finish stories and program so quickly. Some of us (mainly me) wish they could do that. But that's also a double edged sword on your part because as several of us already pointed out, it weakens the quality of your writing and as a result everything including plot and characters are rushed and somewhat unfocused.

I do not find myself caring for the characters much. Even if they spoke in a proper vernacular, they are still rather flat. Better writing could help them express more depth.

What you also seem to have trouble with in this particular VN is transitioning. Visual novels are sort of tricky-- you want the right amount of words on certain screens to help the reader focus on the events, but you sometimes didn't clear the screen of words that have already been read. This could be a minor issue really, but I think it would really help the flow of the story.

I have more thoughts and doubts on the game, but I'll give them when I'm actually finished.

[Wright1000]

I already said that since I am a part-time writer for a newspaper, my writing may be robotic.
I am sorry but I cannot change my style of writing.
But if anyone in this will forum wants to help me translate my writing, I will happily accept your help.

[Applegate]

Alright, so since you offered to help me with my writing and all, and I turned you down, I felt that it was better to show you what I think could be improved about your writing, and why I don't expect it'll help me. Rather than tell you what you could do.

Mind, I haven't read beyond what I've edited thus far, so I don't really know whether characterisation is correct. It's also an unpolished rush job, so it won't look as nice as it could be. If you truly feel you cannot change your writing style (which, you have authored one that was an improvement!), I suggest you put up a Recruitment for a co-writer in your next VN, clearly detailing that all that needs to be done is for the VN to be made lively.

Just remember, for all the harsh criticism, you are someone who's proven he can finish what he starts, and for all that all the rest has lovely diction, fantastic artistic skill or a golden ear, being able to finish what you start, and do so repeatedly, is a skill worth being proud of.

chapter "Introduction"
play music "music5.mp3"
n "Ugh! What a terrible day today was!"
n "And here I'd actually felt it was going to be a great day! ... well, it was a great something alright. A great disappointment."
n "Lemme explain. I don't like people. There's just something about them that rubs me the wrong way, and I can't quite put my finger on that."
n "But then, I met Frank. Now, this'll sound cliché, but he was just... unlike anyone else. Gentle. Kindhearted. Like he actually cared."
nvl clear
n "Well, since today was most likely the last time I'd ever be in the same class as him, I gathered all my courage since weeks ago to confess to him."
n "But, sigh! I guess I'll just stick with what I've always known. People'll just hurt me again if I let 'em."
n "So, who cares! I don't need a guy, or anyone else in my life anyway!"
n "Viva la freedom!"
pause 1.0
nvl clear
n "Hey... that guy up ahead..."
n "Isn't that Frank's dad?"
pause 1.0
n "Hey, it is!"
n "That's odd. Why's he waiting at a bus stop?"
n "I don't really know what he does for a living and all, but I know he's filthy stinking rich."
n "I think Frank said they had at least five cars, so... why would he want to catch the bus?"
stop music fadeout 3
n "And wouldn't such a rich guy be surrounded by people? Employees, a wife, a mistress, I don't know?"
nvl clear
pause 1.0
play sound "car.mp3"
n "Wh, whoah. That scared me. Where'd that car come from?"
pause 1.0
n "... right... so first, you almost crash into me, now you just stop in the middle of the road."
n "Some people just don't know any--"
pause 1.0
n "Wait, what the hell? You're kidding, right? That's not...!"
n "No, it is! It's a gun! Why's someone-- oh no!"
pause 1.0
play sound "gun.mp3"
pause 1.0

[manga_otaku]

I must say, I like the revised version by Applegate so far...

[Wright1000]

It's very good.
I wish I could write so colorfully, but I was only taught to write for newspapers. So, my writing is robotic.
Anyway, thanks a lot and I am trying to add some color to my next game- Psychic Power.

[Lumen_Astrum]

Uhm, even somebody who's taught to write formally can write stories in a "colorful" way. I also write formally for school projects like science project proposals, reports or research papers(well, I know how far away that is from your position, but still..), yet I still spruce up enough color on my stories to make it non-robotic...
Have you ever tried getting an editor, though? I dunno, but it's a suggestion.
Uh, I haven't played this game yet... I'm only saying my opinion.

[Wright1000]

An editor?
What kind of editor are you talking about? A newspaper editor or and editor for my project?

[Lumen_Astrum]

An editor for your project, of course. We aren't talking about newspapers, are we? XD
I know your grammar is superb, but you'd really need an editor to rephrase it in a colorful way.
Or maybe, at least, make it less robotic.